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Allyn Yonge wrote:
Whistling cheerfully Nabiki toed off her shoes and put
cheerfully, Nabiki
on her house slippers. She'd made a bundle betting long odds
on Kuno versus Akane and the Pig-tailed-girl today. Almost
three hundred yen. Stuffing the bills back in her pocket she
pocket, she
sauntered into the family room, starting slightly at the sight of a
bundle of dirty laundry in the middle of the floor. That wasn't
like Kasumi, to leave trash just lying around. The bundle
stirred, giving out a slight groan.
Might want to make that last sentence a separate paragraph, since it's a major
change in the action.
"That's a new look sis," Nabiki tossed her book bag in
look, sis." (She's tossing the book bag, not the line of dialog, and you need a
comma for the direct address.)
the corner and headed into the kitchen for a snack.
"Gosunkugi-Goth?"
AKANE: Huh? WHERE?! AAAAIIIIEEEE!
NABBY: Just kidding.
AKANE: Oh. *groan*
"Boy, you look like hell," Nabiki said, cheerfully
downing a handful of Kitty Lips. "Listen, I've got even odds
on you and Kuno Monday. So, how do you think it will go?
He's still an idiot, but he's a buff idiot and in the shape you're
in now . . ."she let her voice trail off expectantly.
Capitalize that last "she" (it's a new sentence) and put a space before it.
"Nope," Nabiki grabbed a chip from the bowl and
"Nope." (Grabbing the chip, not the dialog)
examined it critically. "bettin' on how long you last before
"Bettin' (New sentence, so capitalize)
Kuno clobbers you." She scooped up a blob of sauce and
popped the chip in her mouth with a sigh of relish, grinning at
Akane's shudder of revulsion.
AKANE: Hello Kitty chips... ick!
"I hate you." Akane moaned, burrowing deeper into the
you," (assuming she's moaning the words 'I hate you' and not just moaning.)
"Yes." Akane replied simply. She hated being so
"Yes,"
abrupt with Kasumi but she didn't know how to explain the
strange dreams that felt almost like memories. Of places she'd
never been, things she'd never seen.
Weeping over the body of her dying child.
Fighting an evil magician as her sisters died around
her.
AKANE: Going to all-night wild orgies with Yuka and then telling her father that
we'd been
studying... oh wait, that was one I *did* do.
"There now," Kasumi said comfortably. "you
comfortably. "You
or
comfortably, "you
"But I feel better with the lights on." she got down on
Capitalize 'she'
"I'm really glad you're here P-chan," Akane hugged
here, P-chan."
"But I like it when Ranma holds my hand. It makes me feel
. . .all warm . . . and safe." She punched her pillow into shape.
"Pretty silly, huh." Rubbing at the pain in her temple she
shifted, trying to find a comfortable position. "I've got to get
some sleep P-chan." She was almost crying she was so tired.
sleep, P-chan."
No bad dreams were going to get by _him_. Ignoring
the pain in his heart P-chan set his jaw, determined to stay
heart, P-chan
"You leave P-can alone," Akane tickled the piglet
alone."
"Owwww!" He tried to suck on his pig-bit finger and
rub the lump on his head simultaneously, doing neither very
well. "See if I care!" He shouted after them. "Stupid tomboy.
care!" he
"Now, you be nice to P-chan," Akane emphasized her
point by poking Ranko in the side. "No more picking on a
Unless he's still hiding from Nodoka, I don't think there's any reason to call
him "Ranko." If you want to make the point that he's female in this scene, there
are other ways to do it.
defenseless little pig." Tucking the piglet securely under her
arm Akane turned her face to the sun, enjoying her first
arm, Akane
headache free day in almost a week.
headache-free
"Hey sugar," A familiar voice hailed him from the
"Hey, sugar," a
"Hey, thanks Ucchan!" Ranko giggled and bounced
thanks,
"Watch out dummy!" With an adrenalin-charged leap
out, dummy!"
leap,
"ryouga?" Akane whispered in disbelief.
"Ryouga?"
"I can explain," The wet, naked and wishing-he-were-
explain."
"Stupid pig boy," Shan Pu tried unsuccessfully to
boy."
wrest her delivery from Ryouga's iron grip. "make Shan Pu
"Make
late with order." Giving up finally she stepped back and held
finally, she
out her hand. "Is 5600 Yen for extra spicy chicken ramen," she
ramen." She
"_You_ knew!" Akane looked at San P'u in disbelief,
Shan Pu
"Shan Pu know," The Amazon replied impatiently,
the (no caps)
more concerned about getting payed for her order. "All people
paid
"Ahhh Maaaan," Ranma kicked at the ground in disgust
"Ahhh, maaaan."
and walked over to the stunned Ryouga. "Ya just haddda make
trouble, didn't ya porky?"
ya, porky?"
"Ohhhh, nice." A tiny grandmotherly woman gushed,
nice," a
"Yeah, some steamed buns would hit the spot right
about now." A young office lady commented.
now," a
"Pretty skinny, I'd say." Came a comment from the
say," came
"Man, you're pathetic," Ranma said disgustedly
said, disgustedly
"I believe Akane didn't enjoy her time out with Ranma
and P-chan." Kasumi understated, looking up the stairs, a
P-chan,"
If a pig could look depressed, this one did, Nabiki
thought looking at the limp black form. Only the faintest of
motions showed the tiny animal was still alive. Nabiki never
thought she would ever feel sorry for Rouga but----
Ryouga
"Here," she reached out and took the unresisting form
"Here." She
from a surprised Ranma. "his pack's in the doujou. You fill
"His
"No, you _don't_ think," Nabiki curled her lip in a
fashion that indicated what she thought of Ranma's cognitive
abilities.
Probably don't need the explanation there.
"and don't hurt yourself by starting now. You just
"And
"You are one pitiful piece-of-shit." Nakiki remarked
shit,"
"She bought me an ice cream cone," Ryouga began in a
whisper, "strawberry swirl. For keeping the bad dreams
away----" his voice broke, and Nabiki waited for him to
His
" . . .an' then she just _looked_ at Ryouga." Ranma
Ryouga,"
Stupid. She was so _stupid_! Akane lay staring up at
the ceiling, with eyes dry and aching from crying. How could
she have been ----Closing her eyes she turned over, burying
Comma after 'eyes', and space before 'Closing'.
She'd trusted them. Her father, Nabiki, Kasumi, Ra----
she'd trusted all of them. No one else hid their curse. Shan Pu,
Mu Si, even Tarou . . .why should she have expected _him_ to
hide his curse.
Shouldn't that end with a question mark?
Her thoughts kept chasing themselves around and
around, like a snake eating it's own tail as, exhausted, she fell
its (only use "it's" when you mean "it is")
into dream troubled sleep.
dream-troubled
Soon, all too soon, the prey flagged. Stumbling,
gasping for breath. It's skin hanging off it in strips.
Its
She killed it then. Slowly. Preserving it's brain until
its
the end. Savoring the terror. All too quickly it's pathetic life
its
Extending her senses to their utmost she could detect
utmost, she
only a few of these creatures left. The sickly remains of a race
that had once spanned the planet. It was time to leave. To find
new hunting grounds. Suiting thought to deed she reformed
deed, she re-formed
herself, surrounding the sensitive electric field that was her
body with a shell of protective metals for the long journey
through space. Twisting the planetary gravity field with
unconscious ease she launched herself into the void.
ease, she
The descent through the planets gas envelope warmed
planet's
No others of her kind had ever ventured this far and
she was weak after her millennia in stasis. Too weak to break
free of the shell that had protected her during her voyage. The
shell that was now her prison. But there was a solution. And
so she waited, not patiently, for that was not the nature of her
kind, but she waited. Until finally she touched a mind similar
to her own, in the way that playground fight is similar to a
that a playground fight is similar to a
or
that playground fights are similar to a
Time passed. She rested and gained strength from the
normal pain and grief of the prey that passed, all unknowing,
past her prison. Until the day she touched another mind. And
saw, dimly in her diminished state, how to manipulate the
currents of chaos to bring fire and terror to her resting place.
She chose life therefore, and in the choosing ensured a future
of flames--and a hundred thousand shrieking souls rode an
atomic flame to hell.
Oh, sure, blame it all on her. :p
Tossing and muttering in her sleep Akane was locked
sleep, Akane
in the grip of a nightmare. Unseen by human eyes green sparks,
eyes, green
"Mama! Mama!" Five year old Tendou Akane was
bored. Daddy had taken her sisters out to the park but _she_
had to stay home. "Let's play Mama!" It wasn't _her_ fault that
stupid old wall had broken. She only nudged it . . .well maybe
she had hit it. But only a little bit. And mama had told her to
Mama (caps)
Biting back hot tears Akane moved stiffly toward the
trash can, trying to ignore the whispers and giggles of her
classmates. Carefully she tore and re-tore the large colorful
card, expressionlessly watching as "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"
vanished letter by letter. Finally nothing recognizable was left
but "KIM", written in a large childish scrawl. Neatly Akane
Neatly, Akane
"I'm Ranchan's _cute_ fiance."
fiancee." (2 "e"s for a woman)
"You're _not_ his fianc^�!" Akane whirled to face her
fiancee!"
"Please." She begged. "Please stop."
"Please," she
"C'mon Akane," Ranma tried not to sound as worried
"C'mon, Akane."
"How 'bout yah lay one on me?" He danced in front of
his steadily jogging fiance. "Right here?" Closing his eyes he
fiancee.
"C'mon Akane. We didn't mean nuthin' by it."
"C'mon,
"C'mon Akane," Ranma wheedled, "It ain't the end of
"C'mon,
"don't. call. me. stupid." She whispered with dreadful
stupid," she
AKANE: What was the middle thing again?
"You filthy pervert," her voice was an ugly rasping
pervert." Her
sound. "I'll teach you to paw me with your dirty hands." Like
a thunder bolt her hand hit him again and he felt something
thunderbolt, her
break deep inside.
"T . . .truly thou ar . . .art like Diana," he couldn't
Diana." He
or
Diana...." He
"Why . . ." Ranma licked his lips and tried again,
choosing his words carefully. "why don't you . . .uhhhh . . ."
"Why
he gathered the unconscious Kuno carefully in his arms.
He
"Look, I'm sorry. I was wrong. Me and Ryouga," he saw her
Ryouga." He
lips tighten at the name and hurried on, "we're sorry. We
on. "We're
"Yeah. Uhhhh . . .maybe you should go see Dr. Tofuu?"
Toufuu (extra-u romanization; correct this throughout)
Ranma watched her until she was out of sight beyond
the gates. "Better get you some help." he muttered to his
help," he
"Maaan, don't you _ever_ give up?" Ranma asked, not
really expecting an answer. He could feel Kuno's ribs grate
slightly and shifted his grip so as not to jostle him. The bloody
froth was a worry but his color was good and his pulse steady,
if a little fast. From his own experience with broken ribs
ribs,
Ranma figured blunt trauma had probably ruptured some blood
vessels. Moving cautiously Ranma headed for the school
cautiously,
"Thank you for lending me your literature notes,
senpai." she said shyly, bowing as she held out a notebook.
senpai," she
"Y . . .you can call me Fumiki," she replied daringly.
"if . . .if you want." She peeped up at him through her lashes to
daringly, "if
or
daringly. "If
Akane never made it to Dr. Tofuu's. Instead her
footsteps lead unconsciously home. Almost blinded by the
led (past tense)
pain in her head she staggered up the stairs to her room,
ignoring Kasumi's worried call. Reaching her room she shut
and locked the door behind her. Without thinking about it she
grabbed the statute of Kwannon from her desk and , clasping it
and, (remove extra space)
to her breast, fell into bed. The sudden secession of pain was
such a relief that the was dizzy for a moment. Grateful for the
that she was
respite she cuddled the statue to her and fell asleep almost
respite, she
immediately. Green fire seemed to crackle between the statue
and the sleeping girl for a moment. When the fire subsided
there was a faint flush to the sleeping girls cheeks. And the
girl's
"Whadya mean she's not here?!" Ranma was not
having a good day. First Akane had half killed Kuno. Then the
half-killed
idiot had tried to challenge him as they were loading him in
the ambulance. After that the principle had caught him as he
principal
"Idiot!" Ranma sagged in relief on seeing Ryouga still
alive, then smacked him on the head, ripping the map from his
hands. "You're still in Nerima!" Before Ryouga could
completely digest that Ranma grabbed him by the arm,
that, Ranma
dragging him out the door behind him. "C'mon Bacon-Boy,
"C'mon,
"Let them go father." She smiled gently. "I'm sure
go, Father."
Dammit! Kuonji Ukyou brushed futilely at the stained
crease in her uniform jacket. Didn't the Tendou's _ever_ clean
Tendous
Ranma-honey was acting _much_ too concerned about
Akane, she thought, dusting herself off. The dratted girl was up
to something and Ukyou needed to find her first and put an end
to her underhanded manipulations. Ranma sugar was entirely
Ranma-sugar
End Chapter 2
My overall opinion of this's about the same as before... the story looks like
it's going to be interesting, but it's taking a heck of a long time to get
anywhere. Some of the other things going on, like Ukyo's confused admirer, could
be interesting on its own, but in the context of this story just seems to get in
the way of the plot. Other things seem to be there to drive Akane to the point
of "I'm mad as hell and not going to take it anymore," but it's one heck of a
coincidence for them to be happening just when a source of power has fallen into
her lap.
One thing that might help would be to try to tie some of the other developments
into the main story. For example, P-chan being revealed by an accident seems
terribly ad hoc and forced, considering the number of times he's avoided such an
incident in the manga. If you established that the alien power was subtly
influencing things -- perhaps it wanted to get her away from P-chan because it
wanted her to itself, or whatever reason -- then it would fit together a bit
better, I think.
Anyway, the writing's good as usual, give or take a few million punctuation
errors. :) Looking forward to the next part.
Gary