"Fox The Wanderer" <fox1@colla.com> wrote:
Disclaimer : Here boy. Whistle. Disclaimer come here.
First suggestion: Delete this thing and credit Takahashi. You'll have
infinite opportunity to write funny scenes in your fanfics to impress us
with your wit. The disclaimer is the place to give credit where credit
is due to the person whose characters you're using.
As for your story... first, a couple of points on the mechanics:
* Paragraphs are your friend. Organizing your narration into paragraphs
will help people follow it better.
* Don't capitalize words just because you think they're important. Other
than the beginning of a sentence, only proper names should be
capitalized. Temple Of Immortality is fine, for example, but "demon"
doesn't get capitalized unless it's the name of a specific person or
thing. It's *a* demon, it's not *named* demon.
Now, as to the story itself, it needs, well... detail. Slow down. You
can't just say X happened, Y happened, and so on and expect the reader
to be convinced. You need to show us *how* X happened, *how* Y happened,
how one event follows from another. This goes to almost ridiculous
extremes in your ending. Oh, by the way, they lived for millions of
years and founded a whole new universe and hmmm... I wonder what's for
dinner tonight?
This is especially a problem when you try to tell us things that
contradict what we know from the manga. Akane as a lesbian, Kasumi
throwing a shishi hokodan, Ranma in love with Kasumi and vice-versa --
you're asking us to believe all these things but nothing in your story
convinces us that they're true or even plausible, given what we already
know about the characters from Takahashi.
Along the same lines, you need to show conflict. Conflict is,
ultimately, what makes any story interesting. Conflict means that
there's more than one possible ending, and that there are significant
forces (of some sort or other) trying to push the story toward each of
the endings. When an author railroads his story toward the ending that
he wants to see -- as you quite obviously do here -- there's no
conflict, and hence in a very real sense, no story.
Hope this gives you something to think about. Keep writing... but keep
working on making your writing better.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html