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POKENET - The Armenhammer Armageddon part 4
ASH: I'm not going to say anything this time... I figured out that if I
don't say anything stupid, Misty won't hit me with her mallet.
MISTY: How long did it take you to figure that out, Sherlock?
ASH: Oh, it was pretty tough. I'd say at least a week, give or take a
couple of months.
JENNY: This is useless! We have to get all the way across town to
Richie's Helicopter Rentals, but Ash sold the car and we don't have
enough money for a taxi! How the heck are we going to get there?
ASH: I have an idea!
MISTY: What, click your heels together and say "there's no place like
home" until your fairy godmother shows up and magically whisks us all
away?
ASH: (pause) That's even better than my idea! (clicks heels together)
There's no place like home!
Misty bashes Ash on the head with a mallet.
JENNY: Incidentally, what was your idea?
ASH: I figured my peanut butter sandwiches would be softer if I took the
peanut butter out of the jar first.
BROCK: Hey! You might be right! (pause) But what about the jelly?
ASH: Don't be dense. Jelly doesn't come in peanut butter jars.
Misty raises her mallet to bash Ash, but a young woman with long
brown hair and a flowing robe floats down from the sky and lands next to
Ash.
JENNY: Oh my god... I really do not believe this!
WOMAN: It's "goddess," actually. I'm a goddess. My name is Belldandy.
Sorry I'm late, but I had so much paperwork to take care of!
MISTY: So clicking his heels together really did work!
BELLDANDY: What? That's only in fairy tales! Ash dialed the Goddess
Hotline while he was trying to reach the taxi service way back in part
2!
MISTY: Why didn't you tell us you called the Goddess Hotline?
ASH: You never asked.
BELLDANDY: Ash, because you're such a loser, I'm here to grant you any
wish you want.
BROCK: I wish I had a girlfriend like you, Belldandy!
BELLDANDY: (sweatdrops) Sorry. You may be a loser, but it's Ash's wish.
MISTY: Come on, Ash! Make your wish already!
ASH: I don't know what to wish for!
JENNY: Wish us to Richie's!
MISTY: Wish for a brain!
BROCK: Wish for Belldandy to be my girlfriend!
ASH: I know! All that talk about food made me hungry. I wish I had a
peanut butt-
Misty bashes Ash with her mallet.
MISTY: Don't you dare waste this wish!
ASH: You're right! Wishing for a peanut butter sandwich would be a
waste!
MISTY: Then what are you going to wish for?
ASH: I wish I had two peanut -
Misty bashes Ash with her mallet.
ASH: Fine, I wish -
Misty bashes Ash with her mallet.
JENNY: Aren't you at least going to let him start his wish?
ASH: Yeah, I was going to say, "I wish I had a great big p-"
Misty bashes Ash with her mallet.
ASH: (rubs head) I really wish you'd stop hitting me, Misty.
Misty raises her mallet, but her arm stops in mid-swing.
BELLDANDY: Okay! She won't be hitting you ever again!
JENNY: Ash! How could you? Now we'll never finish this investigation!
ASH: But at least I won't have to endure any more pain.
Pikachu zaps Ash.
ASH: I'll never win...
BELLDANDY: Well, my job is done. Goodbye, everyone!
ASH: Goodbye, Belldandy!
MISTY: Belldandy, wait! Can't I get a wish too?
BROCK: Be my girlfriend, please!
Belldandy flies into the sky and out of sight.
ASH: Well, I didn't get to wish for my great big Plymouth Ranger.
MISTY: You were going to wish for a new car?
ASH: Yeah, so I could drive us to the helicopter rental place. What did
you think I was going to wish for?
Misty bashes herself repeatedly in the head with her mallet.
JENNY: (sighs) Looks like we're still stuck here. What do we do now?
BROCK: I have an idea. As long as I can't have Belldandy...
Officer Jenny raises her fist to punch Brock, but a woman with long
wavy white hair and a flowing black robe lands next to Brock.
ASH: You must be Belldandy's mother!
WOMAN: (fumes) I'm her sister Urd, actually. This pervert called the
Goddess Helpline, and now I have to grant him a wish. Belldandy refused
to come anywhere near this group again.
BROCK: OHBOYOHBOYOHBOY! I wish I had a girl like you for my girlfriend!
URD: A girl like me, eh? Well, I'm a bit busy at the moment, but my
younger sister Skuld might be available...
A young girl with a large mallet strapped to her back appears next
to Brock.
SKULD: Hi! Want to go out with me?
BROCK: A mallet! AAAAAAAAAH! I want to change my wish!
URD: (shrugs) Whatever you say.
MISTY: Look, before these guys put their feet any deeper into their
mouths...
Ash looks up from trying to swallow his own foot.
ASH: Hmph? Mrmrglmph?
JENNY: I did not need to see that.
MISTY: I'd like to act as Brock's official spokesperson and translator.
URD: Come on, make it snappy! I've got business to attend to.
MISTY: Brock wants to wish for us to have a new car.
BROCK: I do?
MISTY: Of course you do. Think of what the women will think if you have
a cool new car.
BROCK: Hey, right! I wish for a really cool car!
URD: Done. Goodbye.
She flies into the sky.
MISTY: Hey! Where's the new car?
Skuld stands next to Ash and looks up into his eyes with a big smile
on her face.
SKULD: You're kind of cute.
ASH: Thanks. You're not, but I won't hold it against you.
Skuld bashes Ash with her mallet, still smiling broadly.
URD'S VOICE: Skuld! That mallet is only for smashing Bugs!
MISTY: Here, Skuld. You can use mine.
Misty hands her mallet over to Skuld.
SKULD: Thank you! How can I ever repay you?
MISTY: Well... could you hit Ash with it every time he says something
stupid?
SKULD: No problem. I'll be seeing you all soon!
She flies into the sky.
ASH: What does she mean, "I'll see you soon?" I sometimes go ten seconds
without saying a single stupid thing! (pause) No, actually, I've never
gone that long.
Skuld swoops down from the sky and bashes Ash with a mallet.
MISTY: That was close. I was afraid Ash would be able to get away with
stupidity from now on!
ASH: Oh, I get away with it all the time. It just gives me a huge
headache.
Skuld swoops down and hits Ash with a mallet.
JENNY: Wow. She's a tough judge of stupidity.
ASH: I like to consider myself the ultimate authority on stupidity.
After all, nobody does it better than me!
Skuld swoops down from the sky and hovers next to Ash.
SKULD: You know, this is really cutting into my work schedule. Why don't
I just give Misty back her power to hit Ash and call it even?
ASH: Hey, no fair! Then I don't get my wish!
SKULD: I'll owe you!
She tosses the mallet to Misty, then flies into the sky and
vanishes. Misty bashes Ash with the mallet.
MISTY: Ahh... what a relief.
ASH: Yeah. Compared to Skuld, you hit like a feather!
Misty screams and bashes Ash extra hard with the mallet. Ash
staggers woozily into the street, right in front of an oncoming van.
JENNY: Ash! Look out!
The van swerves to avoid Ash, smashing into the nearby building. A
blue-haired man climbs out of the BUTCH'S BUTCHERY van and speaks in a
froggy voice.
BUTCH: Oh man... if Cassidy finds out I wrecked her van...
BROCK: You have girl troubles too, huh? That's a shame...
BUTCH: You have to help me! Take my van, so I can tell Cassidy it was
stolen!
He hands the keys to Brock.
ASH: You sound like you have a frog stuck in your throat.
BUTCH: It was a bet. Long story. Just take the van and go!
He runs off down the street, leaving Brock staring at the keys in
his hand. He looks at the van, then back at the keys.
BROCK: Hey... my wish really did come true!
MISTY: I thought you wished for a COOL car!
BROCK: Yeah...
He climbs into the driver's seat and shivers.
BROCK: The freezer's on the fritz. You don't get much cooler than this!
Everyone else climbs into the van, Ash letting himself into the
freezer through the rear door while the girls take the remaining front
seats.
MISTY: Brrr! I'd rather ride in an ice truck! It'd be warmer!
JENNY: It has wheels, and we have the keys. I'm not going to complain.
MISTY: But it's so cold!
JENNY: Right. Brock, step on it. I'm declaring this a police emergency.
You can run whatever red lights get in our way!
Brock hits the gas, and they drive off.
JENNY: You know, I kind of feel sorry for Ash, back there in the
freezer.
MISTY: How can you feel sorry for him? It's freezing up here too!
JENNY: I don't want him to freeze to death! Some poor fool might think
he was a side of meat and try to eat him!
MISTY: Knowing Ash, he'd probably try to eat himself.
ASH: (from the back) Mmmm! Delicious!
Misty and Jenny sweatdrop.
MISTY: He couldn't be...
JENNY: Of course not. There's lots of meat in there. He must be eating
some of that.
MISTY: But still... he was trying to eat his own foot a few minutes
ago...
JENNY: Ash, what are you eating back there?
ASH: I'm eating me!
JENNY: Did he say "I'm eating meat," or "I'm eating me?"
MISTY: Sounded like "me" to meat.
JENNY: What?
MISTY: Don't be silly! Even Ash Wednesday isn't THAT stupid!
JENNY: Ash! Did you say "me" or "meat?"
ASH: Me!
JENNY: Spell it!
ASH: I-T.
JENNY: No, spell what you said before!
ASH: M-E. Me. I'm eating ME!
MISTY: That's what I thought he said.
There is a short pause.
MISTY AND JENNY: WHAT?!
BROCK: Maybe you'd better go back and check.
MISTY: Maybe we should.
Misty opens the access door and peers into the freezer. Ash waves to
her with the hand that isn't holding a paper-wrapped slab of meat. His
face is covered in meat juice.
ASH: Hey, Misty. You should come back here. It's nice and warm!
MISTY: Warm? How can it be warm?
ASH: The freezer's broken.
MISTY: Why didn't you tell us it was warm back there? We've been
freezing up here!
ASH: You never asked.
MISTY: (fumes) Never mind. What's that you're eating?
ASH: It's me. See, it says so on the wrapper!
Ash hands over the package, pointing to the letters "ME" on the
wrapping. Misty unfolds the paper to reveal the covered "AT."
ASH: Oh, meat! That's a relief. For a second there, I thought I really
was eating myself!
Misty hits Ash on the head with the slab of me. Er, meat.
BROCK: Hey, quit fooling around back there. We're at Richie's.
Everyone gets out of the van.
JENNY: Finally, the investigation is back on track!
MISTY: No, Ash, we don't mean the railroad tracks.
ASH: Sure we do. We're parked across them.
JENNY: We WHAT?!
A train passes by, smashing the meat van to bits.
ASH: What did you expect, if you let Brock drive? Too bad there wasn't a
fire hydrant around. Parking tickets are a lot easier to deal with than
a totally totaled car.
MISTY: If you knew Brock was parked across the train tracks, why didn't
you say anything?
ASH: You never asked!
Misty bashes Ash over the head with her mallet.
MISTY: From now on, don't wait until I ask the questions before giving
me important answers!
ASH: Okay. Answering the questions you haven't asked yet, because you
told me to, no, yes, a five hundred pound eggplant.
MISTY: What was that all about?
ASH: I already answered that question. I answered the important
questions you haven't asked yet.
MISTY: Why?
ASH: Because you told me to.
MISTY: Did you really know what questions I'm going to ask?
ASH: No.
MISTY: Then you're just making it up, aren't you?
ASH: Yes.
MISTY: What do you take me for, anyway?
ASH: I think I'd better not answer that one...
MISTY: Too bad! You already did, and I remember what your answer was!
Misty bashes Ash in the head with her mallet.
ASH: Probably never.
MISTY: When are you going to stop being so stupid?
ASH: Sure, I think it is too.
MISTY: Do you know how annoying it is when you keep answering my
questions before I ask them?
ASH: Another cameo, lots of blood, and Officer Jenny without her clothes
on.
JENNY: Let's just stop this whole thing right here. We've got an
investigation to conduct.
BROCK: I'm looking forward to finding out what the question was!
JENNY: Look elsewhere, buddy. It was probably "What three things is
Brock least likely to see anytime in the foreseeable future?"
BROCK: Can't be! There has to be another cameo! You don't break a
winning pattern!
MISTY: If things are this crazy now, what could possibly be left for the
next part?
ASH: I already answered that question.
BROCK: YES!
JENNY: Oh my god... Belldandy! Urd! Anybody! I need to use my wish now!
-------------------------------------------------
BURNS: What is this? Some kind of force field around these vegetables!
HOMER: That's the sneeze guard. You have to lean under it to get food or
sneeze on stuff.
JOHNNY BRAVO: *sigh* The only woman I ever really loved... and she's
gone. I wonder if I'll ever get over - Hey! Nuggets!
JACKIE CHAN: Oh, sorry. I broke your spy camera! (pause) SPY CAMERA?!
My webpage: http://www.rose-hulman.edu/~katinamp