Subject: [FFML] [FFML][CHALLANGE FLYz][SEMI-DARK][YAOI][MSGW][LEMONY/LIMISH COMMING][MULTIPART]
From: Flyz Tenoh
Date: 12/6/2000, 9:39 PM
To: ffml@fanfic.com

This is my chapter one of a response to my own

challenge (weird, eh?). I had to write a new one

because of my bitch computer. Y'all can put this

anywhere if you like it, nowhere if you don't, and C&C

appreciated in any sort of forms (MSTer's, that's you

too, if you feel like it).



WARNING: This work of fiction contains bits and pieces

of scenes and language that are not appropriate for

minors or children under the age of 18. It^�s a

dark-lemony/limish thing, and the character's I used

are under no circumstances mine, I used them without

permission. Plus, the owners probably don't even give

a damn that I'm using them, so don't sue.



~End of Legal Ass-Covering~



Without further adieu:



>From the bottom of FLYz's bookshelf...

Where all of her fanfictions are found...



A Flying Banana Chair, Inc. Production





===============

Burning Smoke



by FLYz

===============



"I could spend my whole life repainting the mistakes I

made that are so small, I can't describe them, but are

so big, I can't miss them."



-The Sun, the Moon, and the Stars



===============



Chapter 1 :: Venus, Cupid, Folly, and Time



===============



	I'm not one to respect others very much. Which means

that first off, Maxwell did a damn good job of

convincing me he deserved this. Second, it means that

I'm getting to be a sentimental fool after spending

such a long time in the company of people who deem

themselves to be human. I am not human. I am a

soldier, I was a soldier, and I will always be one.

Nothing anybody can or will do shall ever change that.



	I think that's what Maxwell considers his greatest

lost to be. He couldn't get one of his friends to

loosen his ass-hole up enough to stop shitting Tiffany

cuff-rings. Figures.



	I don't claim to know Duo, although, I find that

rather regretful, looking back at it now. He was

beyond my comprehension then, and probably still is. I

may have even loved him at one point. What? Surprised

I don't anymore? Well, don't blame me. Blame Atropos,

the damn hag for ever having introduced us. The world

shouldn't have lost such a man as him.



	Then again, the world should've never had to suffer

me. Well, they live and they learn, right? Ha.



	Go figure.



*	*	*	*	*



	Thinking back, I wonder what the notion of love

actually ever was. I mean, we all have our first

loves, and nothing will ever be the same as our first

loves. They say one can never escape from the memories

of youth. They also say youth's a blessing. That has

GOT to be one of the top ten oxymoron phrases of the

millenium. But back to the point. Can you guess who my

first love was?



	What? Heero Yuy love?



	Is it that hard to believe?



*	*	*	*	*



	The most disturbing thing in my life, was what

Maxwell wrote in his diary. I mean, I knew that he was

an orphan and all that shit, but hell, I honestly had

no idea what rape truly was until I read that stuff. I

think I'm scarred for life. And I'm not kidding. Do

you know, or have any idea what kind of thought run

through peoples' minds at those moments?



	Do you know what rape does to the people it is

inflicted upon?



	You know, I found out later that it was the same day

Solo died that Maxwell stopped believing in God. He

doesn't wear the cross because he's religious. He

tells people that it's because he wants to commemorate

Father Christopher Maxwell and Sister Helene C�sakari.



	I'm not sure if that's true or not.



	In my opinion, he wears the cross to mock the people

he lost. To show them, that he believed in God, he

lost the only people he ever loved, but he still

believed in God. He had to become part of the war he

hated, but he believed in God. He was raped on the

church walls when he was not much older than a

sniveling 5 year old, but he believed in God. I think

he wears it to show that he's pissed at God. I can

relate.



	As he told me one day, he was relating his life story

to me, sitting in our dorm room, looking at the

turning leaves, "He was never human. He was never a 15

year old kid."



	Yeah. Fuck you, God.



*	*	*	*	*



	I was looking through the pilots' files the other day

and I found some interesting things out. Mostly stuff

on their background, which, for the most part, was

expected, not very shocking. Mostly. I still can't

believe Chang was ever married. For the most part,

just because he's the way he is, but another part of

me says that you don't want to believe it because it

would make him like you. You became his counterpart as

soon as your humane side died, too.



	Well, Wufei, I guess that makes us a pair of cold

hearted mother fuckers, don't it? You know, I'm

probably just mad at him because he deals with it

better than I do. That's no reason to be a bitch about

it, I know, but I'm going to be pissy anyway.



	But I found some other stuff out I sort of wish I had

never known. Mostly stuff about Winner and Maxwell,

since those two were the happy people of the group.

There was also some scary shit on Barton. Or rather

Bloom, since he's not really Barton, is he.



	Apparently Quatre was a decent guy, came from a

family of 50... he was the youngest, and the only

male, yada, yada, yada type stuff. I also learnt that

he had needed psychiatric help for the past 5 years,

and was on a dose of Paxil which had just been

alleviated 6 months prior to the beginning of

Operation: Meteor. Oh, did I forget to mention the

fact that he'd also tried to commit suicide 4 times

already? Cut the wrist, shot himself in the stomach,

and tried drowning himself twice. But according to his

file, he was now a happy, mentally stable young man.

Nothing to worry about.



	Right.



	As for Duo, well, he was orphaned after being beaten

as a child for 2 years, then was raped 3 years hence

at the age of 8, repeated attempts at suicide, almost

anything in the book, you name it, he had tried.

Apparently gave up dying at the age of 13, hasn't

attempted since. And was certified insane. Nothing too

unusual.



	Trowa was a recovering alcoholic (?) and apparently a

manic depressant. Apparently obsessed with knives, he

decided to see what would happen if he cut out a star

in his hand. After that, at age 11, sailing was clear.



	And these were the men that I worked with? Lord help

me, Lord fuck me, and hit me, I was truly the only

normal one. Except for Chang.



	Well, Wufei, I guess that makes us a pair of cold

hearted mother fuckers, don't it?



*	*	*	*	*



	I don't know who I should hate or love. I am a

confused little boy, sometimes, and it makes me sick

to think about it. People always view me as cold. In

truth, I just don't know how to feel. There is a

difference. Really.



	I have never attempted suicide, as much as that may

surprise you, except upon orders, but that's

different. I usually hold conversations to myself, not

with others, so as to prevent being judged. Is that

surprising? What, did you just think I had nothing of

value to say, or that maybe I didn't posses the

ability to voice what I think? Amusing thought.



	Allowing one's self to be judged is the ultimate form

of respect in my opinion. Those who offer themselves

openly do not earn my respect. See how Maxwell is

quite the exception? I am not the man you thought I

was, was I?



	I was?



	Oh.



*	*	*	*	*



	I...



	I don't know...



	Oh, screw it to Hell, I just don't know!



*	*	*	*	*



	Damn it.



	Go to Hell and leave me alone! I don't want to think

about the consequences of my actions today! Today, I

just want to live, and for once do things the right

way! Voice my opinion, kiss the girl, the heroic

stuff!



	I thought that once, damn it.



	And here I am, Heero Yuy, still in the army at age

24, a janitor/floor waxer for the president of the

Preventers. Yeah. I'm a fucking janitor.



	You know, it's amusing, now that I think about my

short childhood, if you can even call it that anymore.

Of all the things I regret, even more then blowing up

that shuttle back when I was 15, is that no matter

what I did, it just wasn't good enough. It provided a

momentary satisfaction, but then, the fleeting feeling

was gone. Une once said, when she was a Lieutenant

that, "Heero Yuy, you fight for the colonies now, and

you are a hero now, but mark my words boy, that you'll

have to do better then to re-unite the colonies with

Earth to be remembered as more than a redundant

soldier, 10 years from now."



	Amusing to think that what she said was true, that

nobody, save a few special people even remember my

name sake, let alone my person. It's AC 205, and

nobody knows who Heero Yuy is anymore. I am no hero.



	I never lived up to my name. All my enemies, Zechs,

Treize, Une, are you happy now? You have your revenge.

I'm a nobody, not a friggin' hero. Ha fucking ha



	Get it? Heero's no hero.



	Well isn't that surprisingly ironic.



*	*	*	*	*



~End Of Chapter 1~	





okasan8675@yahoo.com (FLYz)



!OWARI!

!OWARI!







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