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POKENET - The Armenhammer Armageddon part 2
ASH: There we were, on our way to Team Rocket headquarters, the lair of
some of the worst criminals ever NOT to occupy the Oval Office. The
journey was difficult and fraught with peril. Death loomed from all
directions...
MISTY: That's because we're going to kill you for parking so far away!
JENNY: Only a few hundred parsecs left to go...
BROCK: As long as I'm with you, Officer Jenny, I'd walk five hundred
miles. Then I'd walk five hundred more, just to be the man...
JENNY: Stop right there, Brock.
Brock stops walking.
JENNY: I didn't mean... oh, never mind. Just keep walking. And
walking... And walking...
They pass a newsstand at the side of the road.
TRACEY: Extra, extra! Read all about it!
ASH: Extra? What is it?
TRACEY: It's when you have more of something than you need, but that's
not as important as what's in the news! The Archduke of Armenhammer's
been assassinated!
JENNY: What? I thought that was classified!
TRACEY: No, that's the section with the advertisements.
JENNY: People aren't supposed to know about the assassination!
TRACEY: Don't worry about that. Nobody buys my papers anyway.
MISTY: What's your name?
TRACEY: I'm Tracey Paper.
BROCK: Tracey? Isn't that a girl's name?
TRACEY: Well, don't tell anyone, but this male body is just a disguise.
I'm really...
ASH: Kenji, the helpful artist and Pokemon Watcher?
TRACEY: No way! Where would you get such a ridiculous idea? I'm a Sailor
Scout!
JENNY: Don't Sailor Scouts have to be... girls?
TRACEY: Just watch.
Tracey grabs his pen and sketches the outline of a sailor fuku in
midair. Tracey begins to glow, and his clothes vanish as he steps behind
the outline. The outline becomes a real dress on Tracey's body, which is
now a woman's body.
TRACEY: I'm Sailor Rupert!
ASH: Rupert? Is that the name of a planet?
TRACEY: Read "Mostly Harmless," you uneducated moron!
ASH: Hey! Never call me "you!"
TRACEY: Right...
JENNY: So, what's your Sailor Scout power?
TRACEY: That's the best part. By the power of Rupert... RUPERT FLASH!
Tracey lifts her skirt. Ash, Pikachu, Jenny, and Misty all avert
their eyes.
BROCK: Cool! Do it again!
JENNY: I really did not need to see that.
MISTY: Would you mind turning back into a mild-mannered newspaper guy
now?
Tracey puts on a pair of glasses.
JENNY: What kind of disguise is that?
ASH: Excuse me, mild-mannered newspaper guy, did you see a Sailor Scout
around here?
TRACEY: (brushes off the hem of her sailor fuku) Nope, sorry.
BROCK: Darn. I wanted to see that Rupert Flash move again.
TRACEY: Say, would you happen to need a lift to Team Rocket
headquarters?
JENNY: Yes please!
TRACEY: There's a map to the nearest phone booth on page seven. You can
call a taxi from there.
JENNY: Great! Can I please see it?
TRACEY: Twenty-five cents.
MISTY: Fine, we'll buy your paper.
Misty hands a coin to Tracey, who drops it into a can on her bench.
It makes a hollow clang as it hits the bottom of the can.
BROCK: Business must be slow, if you don't have any money in that can.
TRACEY: Well... it's not much of a living, and will never feed my poor
family...
BROCK: I feel sorry for you. I'll buy a copy of your paper too, as long
as you'll do me a favor.
TRACEY: (hands Brock a paper) Sure, shoot.
BROCK: If you see that Sailor Rupert, could you get me her phone number?
TRACEY: No. (takes Brock's money)
JENNY: Come on, guys. We've got a ways to go to get to this phone booth.
ASH: Is a ways shorter or longer than a parsec?
Misty bashes Ash with a mallet, and they continue on their way. As
soon as they're gone, Tracey dumps the coins from her can into a large
glass jar full of money.
TRACEY: Like taking candy from a baby.
*
ASH: Give me that!
BABY: Mine! My lolly!
BROCK: Ash, leave that baby alone! We're almost at the phone booth.
ASH: All right...
Ash walks dejectedly away from the crying baby. After a few steps,
he perks up and pulls a pacifier out of his pocket.
ASH: There's more than one way to steal from a baby.
JENNY: That's inhumane!
ASH: No, it's a pacifier.
They finally reach the phone booth.
JENNY: Here we are. We should call 1-900-TAXICAB. They're the best taxi
service in the city.
ASH: I'm on it.
He steps into the phone booth. Five minutes later, he steps out.
ASH: What's the number for 1-900-TAXICAB?
BROCK: I should have known better than to let Ash try to use a public
telephone. I'LL make the call.
Brock enters the phone booth. Five minutes later, he steps out
again.
MISTY: How long will the taxi take to get here?
BROCK: Oh, it's not coming.
JENNY: Why not?
BROCK: Because I was trying to dial 1-900-TAXICAB and accidentally
dialed 1-900-SEXYBABE instead.
JENNY: I should have guessed. I'll have to make the call myself.
(reaches into her pocket) What happened to my money? It's gone!
BROCK: I'm afraid I had to swipe the money out of your pocket after the
first minute. Those 900 numbers charge an arm and a leg!
ASH: I know. A good friend of mine had to get prosthetic limbs after
dialing one of those numbers.
BROCK: That's because the phone booth he was using was being serviced
while he was still on the line and he got too close to the drill.
ASH: Never use a phone with an "OUT OF ORDER" sign on it for more than
three minutes.
MISTY: Maybe I should make the call.
ASH: We could always ask if they have a free phone in this building
right here.
Ash points to a building bearing a huge sign which reads "Team
Rocket Headquarters."
JENNY: I can't believe it. The phone booth is right in front of Team
Rocket headquarters, and we didn't even notice?
MISTY: Some of their stupidity must be rubbing off on us.
JENNY: That's not the only thing rubbing on us.
She pushes Brock away, and they all enter the building. Ash
approaches the receptionist.
ASH: Excuse me, sir. Do you have a phone here?
ROCKET: It's not for public use.
ASH: Don't worry. I won't use it in public.
JENNY: Just ignore him.
ROCKET: Ignore who?
JENNY: Right. Anyway, we're investigating an incident that took place
during the Archduke of Armenhammer's welcome parade.
ROCKET: Oh, you mean that assassination thing?
JENNY: Why does everyone know about this?
ROCKET: We don't. We didn't even know he was assassinated until you
mentioned it just now.
MISTY: We didn't mention it. You did.
JENNY: And the assassin was seen getting into a helicopter with an "R"
on it.
ROCKET: That wasn't our Scyther.
MISTY: You did it again! We never said it was a Scyther!
JENNY: I'm afraid that Team Rocket is our prime suspect for the
assassination.
ROCKET: You've got nothing on us. That "R" probably stood for Richie's
Helicopter Rental. That's where we rent all of our helicopters from.
JENNY: Well, thanks for the tip, but we still need to interrogate
someone from this organization.
ROCKET: All right. I'll buzz you in to Jessie and James.
JENNY: I'd prefer someone who can give me some straight answers.
ASH: I've got an answer for you! Forty-two!
Misty bashes Ash over the head with a mallet.
MISTY: I am getting SO sick of him!
A secret door slides open, and the group enters.
JESSIE: Prepare for trouble!
JAMES: Make it double!
ASH: Two orders of trouble. Got it. Would you like fries with that?
JAMES: Oh, yes please! Can you super-size mine?
Jessie bashes James over the head with a fan.
JESSIE: James, we have to finish the motto!
JENNY: No you don't! I want to get this interrogation over with as
quickly as possible!
JAMES: Then ask your questions already.
MISTY: Watch out. Those two are pathological liars.
JESSIE: We are not!
BROCK: I see what you mean.
JENNY: Do you know anything about the incident during the Archduke's
parade?
JESSIE: Certainly not.
ASH: I knew it! They're lying! They must be the killers!
JESSIE: Why would we want to kill anyone?
JAMES: That's right! We're pacifists!
ASH: I don't believe you. Brock, take them to jail.
JESSIE: You little twerp! I'll kill you!
JENNY: Pacifists, huh?
JESSIE: Just because we're not pacifists, that doesn't make us killers.
ASH: Of course it does.
Misty bashes Ash over the head with a mallet.
ASH: That's it... Misty's not a pacifist.
MISTY: Well... show me someone around here who is a pacifist!
ASH: I'M a pacifist!
Ash takes the pacifier out of his pocket and puts it in his mouth.
JENNY: Just keep that there for a while, won't you?
JAMES: Do you have any questions for us or not?
Ash removes the pacifier from his mouth.
ASH: Where were you on the night of August 27?
JAMES: Stealing Pokemon from the Pokemon Center.
JENNY: That's interesting... but it has nothing to do with our
investigation! Misty, if you please...
MISTY: Gladly.
Misty winds up and bashes Ash on the head with her mallet.
JENNY: Where were you during the procession for the Archduke?
JESSIE: In the Pokemon Center.
JAMES: Stealing Pokemon.
ASH: Aha! Why would they be stealing Pokemon from the Pokemon Center
again?
JAMES: Because we didn't get any the first time.
BROCK: Did you get any the second time?
JAMES: No.
JESSIE: Why do you think we've never been arrested? We've never actually
stolen any Pokemon.
JENNY: Do you have a Scyther?
JESSIE: We wish we did. At least then our lives wouldn't be such a
slice.
JENNY: I'm afraid I'll have to fine you for that pun.
JAMES: That's fine with us.
PIKACHU: Pika!
Pikachu zaps Jessie and James into unconsciousness.
JENNY: Thanks, Pikachu. Now we need to search this place for any traces
of a Scyther.
ASH: But Tracey's all the way back at the newsstand.
Misty bashes Ash over the head with her mallet.
MISTY: Don't you have some kind of device that will do that?
ASH: Why do you need a device? Your mallet's working well enough so far.
MISTY: I meant a device to track down nearby Scythers!
ASH: Well, you can't use a mallet for that! It's for hitting people!
MISTY: You mean like this?
Misty bashes Ash once again, knocking him to the floor.
BROCK: Aren't Scythers attracted by red things?
JENNY: That's right. But we'll need to find something red.
ASH: No problem. I've got lots of red right here.
He stands up, his face covered with blood.
BROCK: I think that proves that there are no Scythers here.
MISTY: It also proves that I don't know my own strength.
JENNY: Anyway, there's nothing for us to do here. We'd better go check
out that helicopter rental place the receptionist mentioned.
BROCK: But Jessie mentioned the Pokemon Center! Let's go there instead!
JENNY: It has nothing to do with our case, Brock.
BROCK: But Nurse Joy will be there! We have to go!
MISTY: It is on the way to Richie's. Maybe we can stop there along the
way and ask if they've seen any Scythers around recently.
BROCK: That's just what I was thinking!
JENNY: I'm sure that's EXACTLY what you were thinking.
BROCK: Ha, I fooled you! I was really thinking about Nurse Joy, Officer
Jenny, and a huge tub of vanilla yogurt.
ASH: That's disgusting!
MISTY: You're telling me!
ASH: I hate vanilla. Can't you think up some banana yogurt instead?
BROCK: Mmmmmm... banana yogurt...
JENNY: If he's going into the Pokemon Center, I want to stay outside!
Jenny, Brock, and Misty leave the room. Ash starts to leave, but
glowing eyes appear in the shadows, and he stops. Scythers appear from
all directions, swarming all over Ash and slashing at him.
PIKACHU: Pika! CHU!
Pikachu zaps the Scythers, and they all retreat.
ASH: Thanks, Pikachu. I didn't know you cared about me! That came as a
bit of a shock.
PIKACHU: Pika!
Pikachu zaps Ash as well.
ASH: As I collapsed, unconscious, I made a mental note to myself: OUCH!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
BURNS: What is this? Some kind of force field around these vegetables!
HOMER: That's the sneeze guard. You have to lean under it to get food or
sneeze on stuff.
JOHNNY BRAVO: *sigh* The only woman I ever really loved... and she's
gone. I wonder if I'll ever get over - Hey! Nuggets!
JACKIE CHAN: Oh, sorry. I broke your spy camera! (pause) SPY CAMERA?!
My webpage: http://www.rose-hulman.edu/~katinamp