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POKENET - The Armenhammer Armageddon
NOTE: The story you are about to read is true, except for the people,
places, and events. Well, actually, it's not very true at all. In fact,
it's about as true as a Monica Lewinsky cover story. It's as real as
Pamela Anderson's... endowments. The names have been changed because I
felt like it, so there. Deal with it.
ASH: This is the city. At least, it was the last time I checked. I could
be wrong. My name is Ash Wednesday. It's also Ash on the other days of
the week, but I don't get out much then, so it doesn't matter. My
partner Brock and I were on our toughest assignment yet, following a
limo with a very powerful foreign guy inside. We got as close as we
dared and prepared to strike.
ASH: Pikachu, Thundershock!
PIKACHU: (shaking head no) Pika pikapi! Pika pikachu pika pi pika pi
chu!
ASH: You know it's useless to chatter on like that, Pikachu! I can't
understand a word of what you're saying except for "pikachu."
BROCK: I think I know what it's saying. We're supposed to be guarding
the Archduke of Armenhammer, not attacking him! Do you know what will
happen if the Archduke is assassinated while visiting Indigo Island?
ASH: Sure. We'll go home, maybe rent a video from Brockbuster, and laze
around for the rest of the day.
BROCK: I was referring to the Archduke!
ASH: Oh, he'll get buried and people will say nice things about him.
BROCK: (sighs impatiently) I meant, what will happen between Indigo
Island and Armenhammer?
ASH: Oh, nothing much will happen there. There's nothing but ocean
between Indigo Island and Armenhammer. Maybe some fishing and swimming,
but we don't have to worry about that.
BROCK: I'm talking about politics, Ash! There'll be a war! War! Is that
what you want?
ASH: No way! "Low Rider" was the lamest song ever!
BROCK: What are you talking about?
ASH: You know the tune. "All my friends know the low rider..."
A man screams from up ahead.
ASH: See? Even the Archduke of Armenhammer hates that one!
BROCK: You idiot! You were supposed to be following him to make sure
nothing happened!
ASH: So were you!
The two hapless detectives run up to the limo in time to see a
Scyther tear open the sunroof and begin mauling its occupant.
BROCK: Ash! Now's the time to use Pikachu!
ASH: Right. Pikachu, go help that Scyther!
PIKACHU: Pika?
BROCK: Vulpix, go! Use Flamethrower!
The flame attack scares off the Scyther. It flies quickly away, its
work done.
BROCK: Yeah! All right! Beautiful!
ASH: What are you cheering about, Brock? He's dead.
BROCK: I wasn't cheering about that! Officer Jenny's coming this way!
An Officer Jenny approaches the duo.
JENNY: What happened here? You two were supposed to protect the
Archduke!
ASH: Relax. Nothing's going to happen to him. He's dead, see?
JENNY: I sure hope you're wrong. Quick, check for a pulse.
ASH: (feels his own wrist) Nope, nothing.
BROCK: I'd like to, but there's not enough of him left.
Officer Jenny peers through the open sunroof and retches.
JENNY: That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!
ASH: You haven't seen me early in the morning.
JENNY: For which I am eternally grateful. But eternity won't be long,
once Armenhammer finds out about this! If they find out that the
Archduke is dead, they'll bomb us off the face of the Earth!
ASH: No problem. We'll just pretend he's not dead.
BROCK: Pretend he's not dead?
ASH: Sure! We just tie strings around his wrists like in Weekend at
Bernie's!
JENNY: Ash Wednesday, that has to be the stupidest idea I've ever heard!
ASH: Give me some time. It usually takes me at least an hour to come up
with a really stupid idea, and he's only been dead for a few minutes.
JENNY: He's only been HERE for a few minutes! This was the procession
from the plane to his hotel room! Couldn't you even keep him safe for
that long?
ASH: Serves him right. He should have found a hotel room that was closer
to the airport.
A man in a black suit steps into their midst.
MAYOR: What's going on here? Why has the procession stopped?
JENNY: The Archduke's been assassinated!
MAYOR: WHAT? This is a disaster! No, it's worse than a disaster! This is
a catastrophe! There are no words to describe it!
JENNY: I've got two words that might do the job: Ash Wednesday.
MAYOR: I see. Say no more.
ASH: No more.
JENNY: I can't believe you two! We give you a chance to redeem
yourselves, and you start World War III!
ASH: Well, it could be worse.
MAYOR: I don't see how things could be any worse!
JENNY: Believe me, mayor. With Ash on the job, they could be a lot
worse.
MAYOR: We can't let this become an international incident! Round up the
media. We've got to cover this up! Get the papers to print a story about
how the Archduke is enjoying Indigo Island.
JENNY: In other words, we're going to pretend he's not dead?
ASH: Oh, I already tried -
JENNY: That's a GREAT idea, mayor! I'll get on it right away!
BROCK: Let me go with you, Officer Jenny!
ASH: No way, Brock. We've got a job to do.
BROCK: What job? The Archduke's dead!
ASH: Exactly. And we have to figure out who did it.
BROCK: We know who did it. A Scyther.
ASH: But whose Scyther?
BROCK: It's trainer's, probably.
ASH: That makes sense. Well done, Brock. That's this crime solved.
MAYOR: Tell me, Officer Jenny, are they actually going to be working on
this case?
JENNY: (sighs) Probably. Once they're on the job, there's no getting
them off.
MAYOR: Well, you're going to get them off of it! The future of our
nation depends on it! Use any means necessary. Don't hold back.
JENNY: You don't mean... excessive force?
MAYOR: That's exactly what I mean.
JENNY: But only as a last resort, right?
MAYOR: Right, only if you get the opportunity. Try to make it look like
an accident.
JENNY: But mayor, wouldn't it be better to work with them instead of
against them?
MAYOR: Well, since you put it that way... no.
JENNY: Elections are coming up next month.
MAYOR: Exactly why we need them as far from the investigation as
possible!
JENNY: But it won't look very good in your campaign to kick the
Archduke's bodyguards off the case.
MAYOR: That may be true, but are you sure it's wise to let them
investigate this case?
JENNY: I've worked with them before. Even though they're complete
idiots, they somehow manage to get the job done.
MAYOR: I'll have to see it to believe it.
ASH: Aha! I found a clue! This card was in the Archduke's car! The
Scyther must have dropped it when it attacked him! Whoever the card
belongs to is the assassin!
BROCK: Let's see... "Official Diplomatic Identification, Archduke Baking
Soda of Armenhammer."
ASH: That's it! The Archduke staged his own murder!
BROCK: You mean he's just faking it? (looks into the car) That's the
most convincing fake death I've ever seen.
ASH: That's exactly what he wants you to think! (reaches into the car
and taps what might once have been the Archduke's shoulder) Wake up,
Archduke Baking Soda! We know you're just pretending!
JENNY: On second thought, excessive force is beginning to look very
appealing right about now.
MAYOR: The investigation is in your hands, Officer Jenny. Do whatever
you think is best. And remember; if things go well, I was the one who
put you in charge. If they don't, I've never seen you before.
JENNY: Understood, Mayor Governor.
Officer Jenny approaches Ash and Brock.
JENNY: Boys, we've got some serious investigating to do.
ASH: But we've already solved the crime!
BROCK: Shut up, Ash! Let me handle this! So, Officer Jenny, how long do
you think the investigation will take? Two weeks? Three weeks? I'll stay
right by your side for as long as it takes!
JENNY: We have to track down the killer immediately! Every second he's
free, we run the risk of Armenhammer finding out about the assassination
and launching a massive attack against us.
BROCK: Aww... do we have to hurry? Why don't you let me take you out for
a cup of coffee and dinner?
JENNY: We don't have time for your pathetic attempts at romance! We have
to find a lead right away!
ASH: Hang on. I'll be right back!
Ash vanishes into the crowd.
JENNY: Wait, Ash! Where are you going?
BROCK: Don't worry, Officer Jenny. He'll find us a lead. In the
meantime...
JENNY: No.
BROCK: All right! I was going to say, "In the meantime, let's NOT go
someplace more private."
JENNY: No you weren't.
BROCK: Darn! Outsmarted again!
JENNY: I bet that happens often.
BROCK: Not really. Only about eleven times an hour.
ASH: I'm back!
Ash returns dragging a Growlithe on a leash.
JENNY: What does this Growlithe have to do with our case?
ASH: Nothing. I just thought you wanted to use its lead.
He hands the leash to Jenny. She takes it, stares at it for a few
seconds, then throws it angrily to the ground.
JENNY: That isn't the kind of lead I meant! I meant we should find a
lead on the Scyther that killed the Archduke!
GROWLITHE: Grow growlithe! Growlithe! Growlithe growl growl lithe
growlithe!
JENNY: Really? Well, that's something.
BROCK: What did it say?
JENNY: It said that just after the screaming stopped, it saw a Scyther
heading away from here. It got into a helicopter with a big "R" on the
side.
ASH: So... all we have to do is find a Scyther that knows how to fly a
helicopter!
BROCK: You're lucky Misty isn't here, Ash. She'd hit you over the head
with that mallet of hers.
JENNY: Now I remember how I survived our last case together... come on.
We're going to investigate Team Rocket, but first we're getting Misty's
help.
ASH: How does Misty help? All she ever does is hit me on the head
whenever I say something stupid!
JENNY: Exactly.
ASH: What do we need her for? I can do it myself!
Ash hits himself in the head and knocks himself out.
BROCK: Pikachu, wake him up please.
PIKACHU: Pi?
BROCK: Yeah, it may not be the best idea, but we need him to drive the
car.
PIKACHU: Chuuuu...
Pikachu jolts Ash awake with a mild electric attack.
ASH: Holy cow! I'm late!
BROCK: Relax, Ash. It's not a school day.
ASH: Exactly! I'm missing all the best shows on TV!
JENNY: We're not going to watch any TV until we find the killer!
ASH: Well, hurry it up! "Indigo's Most Wanted" is coming on in half an
hour and I want to see if I've moved up since last week!
JENNY: After this, you'll probably be on "Internationally Most Wanted!"
ASH: (sighs happily) All I want is to be wanted.
JENNY: Oh, you're wanted all right. In every city on Indigo Island, at
least.
ASH: I had no idea I was that popular.
BROCK: You have no idea about anything. You're a complete moron.
ASH: Yeah, I forgot about that.
JENNY: Aren't you forgetting something else, too?
ASH: Let's see... I still remember what three times twenty-three is... I
can't think of anything else.
JENNY: The investigation! We have to go find Misty!
ASH: Oh yeah! I remember now!
Ash hits himself on the head, knocking himself out again.
BROCK: Pikachu, --
JENNY: No, Brock. On second thought, let's leave him unconscious. He'll
be easier to manage this way.
BROCK: But who's going to drive the car?
JENNY: We'll walk. Pick him up and let's go.
BROCK: Go where? We don't even know where Misty is.
JENNY: I'm not going to get any respite, am I? We're going to wake him
up, aren't we?
BROCK: I'm afraid so. He gets all the funny lines. It just wouldn't be a
comedy without him.
JENNY: All right, Pikachu. Make sure to give him plenty of juice.
Pikachu smiles broadly and draws a large electric charge.
JENNY: Careful! We've already got one murder on our hands today.
PIKACHU: (deflated) Chuuuuuu...
Pikachu jolts Ash awake.
JENNY: Don't say a word, Ash Wednesday. We're going to go find Misty,
and you're going to drive us. You will not hit yourself on the head, you
won't say anything stupid, and you DEFINITELY won't do anything to annoy
me that I haven't considered. Capice?
ASH: I got it, all except one thing.
JENNY: Let me guess... you don't know what "capice" means.
ASH: Of course I do. I drive one. I just didn't know how I was supposed
to answer you without saying a word.
JENNY: (groans angrily) I should have killed you when I had the chance!
BROCK: You'd better find Misty pretty soon, Ash. I'll never get Officer
Jenny to agree to go out with me while she's angry.
ASH: You don't need to find Misty. She just shows up whenever she's not
wanted. That's how obnoxious she is. Not to mention rude, annoying,
aggravating, flat-chested...
Misty appears out of nowhere and clobbers Ash with a mallet.
BROCK: Wow, that one needed to be malleted so much that it drew her all
the way here!
MISTY: For your information, I was here watching the procession along
with the rest of Indigo Island! I should have known Ash Wednesday was
involved as soon as that Scyther showed up!
ASH: You didn't? And here people say I'M slow.
Misty hits Ash over the head again.
JENNY: I'm so glad you're here, Misty! Now we might be able to conduct
this investigation in a sensible fashion.
MISTY: You don't mean like last time, right? I remember tying up a Nurse
Joy for no reason, letting Team Rocket escape because we were too busy
bashing each other's brains out, getting arrested ourselves while the
kidnappers went free...
JENNY: You're right. I suppose sense is too much to ask for, isn't it?
Well... as long as we get the assassin, that's really all that matters.
ASH: I know who we haven't considered yet! Misty admitted to being here
at the time of the murder, AND she knows about the Scyther! Brock, check
her out.
BROCK: I think in her case we can dispense with the strip search.
There's nothing to see.
Misty clobbers both detectives.
MISTY: Let's just get on with it!
JENNY: Right. To Team Rocket headquarters! Where's your car, Ash?
ASH: I parked it outside Team Rocket headquarters.
MISTY: Please don't tell me we have to walk all the way there!
ASH: Okay, I won't tell you. You'll have to figure it out yourself.
BROCK: I told you we should have gotten here earlier to get a better
space.
JENNY: What are you talking about? There was a space for you guys right
here!
She points to an empty parking space nearby.
ASH: But that space is marked "RESERVED."
MISTY: Who do you think it's reserved FOR?
BROCK: Whoever they are, THEY didn't have to walk here from Team Rocket
headquarters.
ASH: Of course not. They didn't even show up at all.
BROCK: I can't believe people could be so inconsiderate to reserve a
space and not use it!
MISTY: "Inconsiderate" is not the word.
JENNY: Come on! At this rate, it'll take us all day to get to Team
Rocket headquarters!
ASH: Actually, we've moved only twenty-two and a half feet in the past
eighteen minutes. At that rate, it will actually take us eleven days,
four hours, eighteen minutes, and fifty-seven seconds to get there.
Everyone stares at him.
ASH: Sheesh! And I thought a keen sense of detail was appreciated in a
detective!
-------------------------------------------------------------
BURNS: What is this? Some kind of force field around these vegetables!
HOMER: That's the sneeze guard. You have to lean under it to get food or
sneeze on stuff.
JOHNNY BRAVO: *sigh* The only woman I ever really loved... and she's
gone. I wonder if I'll ever get over - Hey! Nuggets!
JACKIE CHAN: Oh, sorry. I broke your spy camera! (pause) SPY CAMERA?!
My webpage: http://www.rose-hulman.edu/~katinamp