rob reynolds wrote:
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters and I appologize to
Konami for all of the problems. Please do not hunt me down
Most times they don't hunt down people, unless you are gonna make money off
of the offending product.
Behind the Gaming: Metal Gear Solid
by: TJ Depp
Any Relation to TJ Hooker <sounds of a pan hitting a head can be heard>
(This opens with a scene of the Alaskan Tundra. Shots of a lone man,
jumping and dodging bullets while covering the white ground flashes on
the screen for a few seconds. Then, the scene cuts to the same man and a
new woman. In this shot, they are shooting and running through a
compound of sorts. Another scene flashes, this one contains many
sinister
men standing around, talking.)
Oh how come they have to be sinister? How come we never see well dressed
men standing around talking in the Alskan Tundras?
Narrator: (while images are flashing) Metal Gear Solid: One of the
most
intriging video games every created. Millions have bought this
game and played through it. Some have even tried to become the
characters (flashes of an overweight man dressed like Solid Snake)
The fans of this game saw the idelism it created and the creativity
that was unleased. But under all this glamor, lay a world of
deception that was almost unbelievable in its Hellish qualities.
Second only to Star Trek. Flashes to a man in his late 90's wearing a
classic Star Fleet uniform.
(Cut to the same man that was in the previews for the game. He is
lounging in a director's chair and a huge poster promoting the MGS video
game is in the background. Printed in the lower left hand corner of the
screen is the name Solid Snake. Below his name is printed: Star/Co-
Director/Co-Writer of Metal Gear Solid)
Solid Snake: What scared me the most was that my brother aquired a
British accent after four years of college in the Mid-West United
States.
Solid Snake: We sent him to the James Bond school of acting.
(Cut to Meryl Silverburgh, who was also seen in the inital clips with
Snake. Her name is also printed in the lower left hand corner of the
screen. Under her name is: Large Breasted Damsel in Distress. She was
seated in a plastic lawn chair in front of a spacious garden.)
Meryl Silverburgh: Since I was dating [Solid] Snake, I guessed I was
required to take the role. I blame him every day for it.
Meryl Silverburgh: And he is such a bad kisser! He would always have
little bits of lettuce stuck in his teeth.
(Cut to Liquid Snake, who looks exactly like Solid Snake in the face.
Except, his hair is longer and his clothes are very smarmy. He is seated
in
a large leather chair, with a large white cat on his lap. His name is on
the
screen with the words Evil, Nasty, Bad, Villian/Co-Director/Co-Writer
underneath.)
Not to mention James Bond wannabe.
Liquid Snake: (while petting the cat) Solid and I didn't think it'd go
this
far. Especially after I cussed out the caterer.
James the Caterer: Yea that one weirdo Liquid Rat cussed me out but I got
even when I beat the crap out of his cat. I swear to God he is sleeping
with that cat. He is always petting that cat.
(Cut to more scenes from Metal Gear Solid.)
Narrator: Tonight, Metal Gear Solid like you've never seen it before
on
Behind the Gaming.
(The promo for the show comes on, screen captures from the game flash
up on the screen while words follow them: CARDBOARD BOXES
WOMEN GUARDS MONEY FAME . The words flash again with
clips and then we fade to the start of the program.)
(Scene opens on a small town covered in snow)
Beats a Large town Covered in Sand.
Narrator: Metal Gear Solid's breathtaking success started here in the
small
town of Dead Horse, Alaska when two brothers (a home movie of
a very young Liquid and Solid Snake pops up on the screen. They
smile and wave at the camera) Liquid and Solid Snake fell upon a
dream. The two, who emensly loved video games and war stories
told by their grandfather, set to work at the ages of 16 to create the
ultimate video game. (Another home movie of Liquid Snake
getting into a Hippie painted van is shown and Solid waves
disparingly at this brother) However, the game was put on hold
when Liquid was accepted at the prestigous Truman State College
in Kirksville, Missouri. (quick shot of Truman State) Liquid
maintained good grades in his studies and played varsity football
for the Truman Bulldogs (reel of Liquid receving a touch down
pass in the end zone, then promptly runs into a goal post and falls
down) Meanwhile, his younger brother stayed in Alaska to help on
their family farm.
(Cut to Solid Snake)
Solid Snake: When my brother left, I thought that the video game dream
was over. I would have written on it but I had to do ALL THE
FRIGGIN' FARM WORK!
Solid Snake: Hums a line from a song called Dirty Deeds Done with sheep.
(cut to Liquid)
Liquid: I know he resented me for the whole college thing, but what can
I
say? I couldn't stay in that frozen desert forever.
Liquid: I was not going to be Damned to a life of a farmer. I wanted more
from the world. I
Narrator: Four long years passed and Liquid Snake graduated at the top
of
his class. He obtained a double major in Forgein Languages and
Nuclear Scinces. (shot of Liquid wearing his graduation robe,
Grade point Metals and diploma) When Liquid returned home to
his native Alaska, he was shocked to find that his parents
were dead and that his brother had turned their farm house into a
brothel. (framed photo of Solid Snake smiling out side of his
souped up farm house, tons of beautiful women around him)
Liquid: Yeah, I was pretty (bleep)ed ... for about three seconds!! (he
smiles) It was nice to see my brother had made something of
himself.
Liquid: Yea he went from a guy who (bleep)ed Sheep to a regular Pimp.
Solid: I was expecting Liquid to be (beep)ed, but he seemed pretty
happy
to be knee deep in sultry, sultry bodies. I had accomplished so
much since he'd left: I hired a business partner (shot of a large
Native Alaskan American shaman, smiling and holding a beer) as
well as a lovely girlfriend.
Solid: I missed the days of my (bleep)ing Sheep. But oh well.
(A film reel of Meryl Silverburgh comes up, showing her running around
in a bikini and spraying Solid Snake, who has on only swim shorts, with
a
water hose.)
Narrator: Meryl Silverburgh. Once a homeless vagrant looking for a
place
to get away from the harsh cold, she now was the personal brothel
woman for Solid Snake. The two were smitten.
(cut to Meryl)
Meryl : Sure, he was hot. But he was also very intelligent. That's what
attracted me to him.
Meryl: That and the money. He was loaded!
(cut to Solid)
Solid: (Snake is holding a nondescript jar of beer nuts and smiling)
Shh,
listen, this is a trick I used to play on my brother. It's acutally got
those pop out paper snake inside but it says BEER NUTS.. so he
THINKS it's Beer Nuts. .... mmm ... beer nuts.. (opens the jar and
the snakes spring forth.) AHHH!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!! (throws down
the jar in fright)
(cut back to Meryl)
Meryl: Uh, (glances around nerviously) okay, I lied. It was his looks.
Meryl: And the money.
Narrator: After Liquid Snake's return to the Alaskan farm, the brothers
decided to revive the idea of a video game. (show the script sitting
on a desk and Liquid Snake with his brother huddling over it) After
a long discussion and many cartons of ciggerettes, the video game's
story line had been finished.
(cut to the large Native American Shaman, Vulcan Raven, who is Solid
Snake's business partner. He is wearing a huge fur coat and sports large
diamond rings on his fingers while a large necklace, reading PIMP
DADDY, graces his throat. On his head is a brimmed hat with a peacock
feather stuck in the side. He is surrounded by beautiful women on a
thick
couch.)
Vulcan Raven: I didn't even know that this video game existed. When
Liquid came to me and said "We're puttin' the brothel on hold,"
I was pretty (bleep)ing upset. But after he explained what this
other venture was, I was coo' wit' it. I mean, I was all , "Let him dig
his own grave. I don't give a (bleep)."
Narrator: But others did give a (bleep). Mainly Meryl (picture of Meryl
reading over the script to the brothers' video games, with slender
reading glasses and a cup of coco in one hand) Silverburgh threw
herself into the video game writing process, and even ghost wrote
a portion of the story line. Months of total dedication to the game
passed, and before long, the earnings that Solid had saved from
the brothel began to dwindle. To help with expenses, Meryl went
to work a local Bar *The Icy Submarine* while Liquid became a
Piano man for the same establishment.
(cut to Liquid)
Liquid: I never thought that my 4.0 GPA and double majors would land
me a gig in some dammed bar. I can say with ablsolute certanty
that it was the bloody worst job I'd ever had.
Liquid: I was a Boncer in the Blue Oyster.
(cut to Meryl)
Meryl: It wouldn't have been so bad if the place hadn't been themed. I
didn't like being a 16th century bar wentch ... or wearing the dress.
Meryl: I prefer to run arounnd Naked.
(cut back to Liquid)
Liquid: (blushes) No comment.
Narrator: While his brother and girlfriend worked to support the dream,
Solid Snake stayed home with the script. (picture of a haggard
Solid hunched over a typewriter, peering at the words) On a
dreary Saturday afternoon, Solid Snake finally finished the script.
(cut to Solid)
Solid: I can't remember a happier time in my life. I was so thrilled.
The
first thing I did was... well, bathe. I had been working 24-7 and I
didn't smell very good so ---
Solid: I was also hungry so I went to Mcdonalds.
(cut to Liquid)
Liquid: I came home one night and I heard the shower going. I knew from
that moment that either Solid had given up or the thing was
finished. For my sake I went with the latter.
Narrator: Yes, it was true. The video game script was finished. All
that
was left was the title.
(cut to Meryl)
Meryl: Actually, the title came to us by accident. In his haste to take
a
shower, Solid had knocked over a clock in the foyer. He and
Liquid were trying to fix it. (show picture of Liquid and Solid
trying to fix a busted grandfather clock) Liquid was getting
(bleep)ed off because Solid kept (bleep)ing up the instructions.
Anyway, Solid put in an aluminum gear that was to go in the face
of the clock. Liquid was pissed and yelled "No, the METAL
GEAR, SOLID!!!" They both stopped and looked at each other. It
was like they'd seen the Holy Light of God.
Meryl: Well those two bastards Better pay me my money soon.
TBC
Notes from myself
I just had to add to this it was funny when I read this story. The Song
Dirty Deeds Done with Sheep is a Parody of A ACDC song that was played on
the DR Demento show. You can Find it on Napster if you want it.
Tara, Keep the stories coming.
Robert
Robert, thanks for the little "insights" I should actually amend them to
the story! I love the little things about Solid and the sheep. I never
thought about that :) I have anothe rpart but I think I'm going to
finish the section before I post it! THanks for the support!!
~Tara