Must defeat the dark powers or laziness. Must.
On Sun, 15 Oct 2000, DB Sommer wrote:
Not was not as if Nabiki really cared who won, though if she were running a
"Not was not"?
Satisfied all was the same as it was before she entered the room, she
departed with one last glance of disbelief at the circular object.
It really was unbelievable.
Huzzah, huzzah. I'm very curious about the 'hubcap.'
"I thought you always said, 'it's best to fight in a variety of different
surroundings because they more accurately reflected potential fields of
combat you'll likely find yourself in, rather than the staid conditions of
an ordinary dojo'," Ranma quoted.
But then, sometimes one does fight in the dojo. Unlikely an event as it
may be, it does happen, his father replied.
As Ranma tried deciding which set of red shirt and black pants to wear, he
snort
"An inquisitive nature is always a good attribute for any potential wife,"
Genma happily pointed out.
Unless you maintain a secret identity as a crime fighter and his sidekick.
he had taken the time to locate and wrap up a real hubcap to throw people
off in case someone got too inquisitive.
I'm really beginning to notice in this chapter that you're making Ranma
more intelligent than he usually comes across as. Whether it will be
enough to overcome his usual mental disadvantages and bad habits is what I
want to know.
"It's so nice of Ranma to help out Nabiki. It'll prove how well they get
along," Kasumi said, thinking they did make as nice a looking couple as
Ranma would with Akane.
"Yeah, it'll almost be like they're practically married," Akane quickly
added, smiling at this unexpected opportunity to bring the two closer
together.
Wonderful. Now Ranma's having his life plagued by not just the fathers but
the Tendo trio as well. I bet he's got to be real happy about this.
"Now wait just a minute," Ranma repeated, this time for a whole set of
different reasons. "I didn't say I wouldn't fight. I'd be glad to put some
slow, overweight guy in a giant diaper in his place."
And I see the answer to my previous question is no. He just fails more
gracefully.
The rumbling seemed to reach its peak, then in one quick motion the entryway
to the dojo slid back to reveal the source of all the noise. A troop of at
I got an extra space there. It may just be my email client.
by the bright glare of sunlight that seemed to rise from behind him. But the
burning image faded as the sun lowered behind the wall surrounding the
Tendou grounds, and allowed the others to clearly see the challenger.
comma unnecessary
Yes, I'm still big on that.
He was the largest of the men present, standing six feet tall and weighing
at least six hundred pounds, dressed in a huge white kimono that could have
doubled as a tent. A very wide, six hundred pounds. He was more akin to a
mountain, or at least a foothill, than a human being. Luckily, the entryway
to the dojo was wide, and allowed him to enter without having to turn
sideways. But perhaps the most curious characteristic of all was that the
man was clearly a gaijin. A Caucasian, to be specific.
If my memory serves, last I checked the current reigning Sumo champ was
700 and something. You may want to beef the blob up, as I recall him as
being more than human.
"Sorry for the delay," the man said in heavily accented Japanese. "Me and
the boys got hungry on the way over and decided to dine at an all you can
eat sushi bar. But then the owner keeled over from a heart attack as soon as
we entered and it postponed the meal and made us even later."
I'd nix that then, you seem to have a lot of them, and add a comma after
entered.
Blob rubbed his belly as he smirked. It didn't make a bit of difference to
him if they tried to take him two-on-one. He had fought a whole dojo once
and defeated everyone.
Dojo's don't exactly move that fast, though. Methinks Ranma and Nabs are a
bit more capable than your average wooden building.
Case in point: seeing the Blob wear nothing but a too tiny g-string.
I really didn't want to think about that, thanks.
"This is easily the most traumatic thing I've ever had to see," Nabiki said
dryly, though with an amount of disgust that, while more reserved, was equal
to Ranma's.
I'd get rid of the comma after dryly and though, but thats just me.
Actually it was lost on the men too.
I'm noticing the humor in this started slowly and is building. I like it.
"Then we can all get counseling to try to get over the effects of what's
just happened," Nabiki added.
wondeful. I can hear all sorts of connotations in her voice and its
written.
Okay, it was that bad, but the others were somewhat used to the unusual, and
therefore they adapted to the situation, looking everywhere higher than
waist level on the huge roll of fat that stomped his foot down and prepared
for combat.
Given that Sumo has very specialized rules, I'd surprised they don't lay
out the victory conditions before the fight.
the floor and redoubled his efforts to pry it out, but still his fist
wouldn't budge a centimeter.
You're mixing metric and english. I would recommend picking a story and
sticking to it.
"Ha! Whatcha' going to do now, lightweight?" The Blob began laughing hard, a
deep nasally thing that involved a lot of snorting and caused him to jiggle
like a bowl full of jelly... on a lifeboat in the middle of a typhoon.
nasally intentional? extra space ^^
"Hardly. You should see what he can do with a cream pie," Genma said
ominously.
And we see that there are no depths DB will not go too to make a joke.
Were they not really funny, I would be saddened.
ones. A hard slap to the Blob's ear stunned him further, and a stomp into
the big man's foot made him crash to the ground hard, shaking the dojo to
its foundations. Several more hard blows landed before the Blob regained his
footing and prepared to fight back.
perhaps a vicious attack instead? repitition of the word hard and all.
It quickly became obvious as the fight progressed that Sumo techniques were
ineffectual as Ranma deftly avoided every one of them and, retaliated with a
nix comma
Nabiki's eyes took on a calculated gleam. "I wouldn't want to be accused of
preferring one of my sister's over the other. Since I love both of you
equally, it's only fair that both of you go out with him. Besides, don't you
think it's best that Ranma has equal opportunity to see which of his two
potential fiancees is the one most suited for him?"
Wow. Thats straight up kinky. Go Ranma.
Standing on her toes, Nabiki unleashed the Anything Goes Osculation
Technique (without tongue. There were limits, even for Nabiki)
I'm sure you've heard it before. but eeeewwww.
The Blob panicked as he felt his feet lose contact with the ground before he
could regain control. Without it, his mutant power was useless and he became
comma after useless
balance and at last forced the Blob off his shoulders and down in the
direction that he wanted him to go...
...headfirst into the koi pond.
You do know fat poeple float, right? And someone as portly as the Blob,
unless he's especially dense, would pop right to the surface like a cork?
Ranma could stand on the guy and they'd still not sink. Or is this
authorial license?
"And in all of the names of the gods above, do you swear never ever, ever to
wear a g-string again?"
The feet began kicking forcefully once more. In response, Nabiki, Soun,
Genma, and Akane helped hold the Blob where he was. After a full minute of
struggling passed, a reluctant, "yes" again emerged from the pond.
A true victory for the forces of good.
Genma tried to console him. His claim that "Money isn't everything," was met
by an angry, "Obviously it doesn't mean anything to you since you don't have
any and are content to leach off mine." Ranma followed as Genma tried to
followed who?
Kasumi gave her normal sweet smile, which caused Nabiki even further worry.
Kasumi said, "Akane and I decided the fairest thing to do would be for both
of us to go out with Ranma together, as in at the same time."
Nabiki stared at her sisters, slack-jawed. "But that means-"
-Ranma is so lucky Miashara just pounded his head repeatedly into a brick
wall? Why yes, yes it does. Now if this were real instead of fictitious,
I'd really be green.
actually found their tension drift away for a moment as they found
themselves, while not necessarily attracted (they told themselves), not
quite as disinterested in their date as they were a moment ago.
I'd switch attracted and a different word. Interested would be my
suggestion. As is, there is some ambiguity as "date" seems to be refering
to both the event and the person with whom it will be held.
"Why don't we find a middle ground? You don't refer to me in any
affectionate culinary terms, and I won't kick you in the balls hard enough
to make them come out your backside?"
That would seem to be very fair to me.
"Oh yeah. I knew from the moment you sucked my face you were steaming hot
for me. But don't worry, I like playing things slow. There's no reason we
can't go on several dates first before we go back to my place and do the
horizontal mambo. Got the bed specially re-enforced so I can give you a real
wild ride." He swayed his hips to add to the effect of the come on.
Oh God.
"These girls are scary," he murmured under his breath.
"But cute." he didn't say a moment later.
On the whole:
Little development of how the Tendo's and Ranma both have absolutely no
idea what's going through the other's head. I noticed this seemed to have
lots more Ranma dialogue than usual. And you put the blob in the g-string.
Two of the above were good, one made me violently ill. Respectively, so
keep your dirty mind away from my sweat, pure, and innocent one.
As always, I'm happy to see new chapters of this as I love the way you
write Ranmarian social interactions. Yes, it's a word. I invented it.
Miashara
-Almost through with the backlog on this computer. Then I get to start on
my _other_ computer and the really late ones.