Hiya, folks... I'm kinda sorta maybe-just-a-little-bit back from
the dead. Weird things, long days, odd schedules, and general chaos (the
condition, not the person) have been wreaking havoc with my life lately...
with the obvious result of me not getting ANYTHING done. Including C&C.
So, anyway... I'm trying to start back into it. Here's hoping I
haven't lost my touch... :)
At 02:45 PM 11/21/00 , Knight Writer exposited:
I picked this project up from Jeremy Evans a while ago, and have let
it sit around collecting dust due to lack of ideas. Well, I'm gonna try to
pick it back up, and would appreciate ideas, input, etc.
Oh, you would, would you? ;) Well, FINE, then. Take THIS!
=========================================
Yaukza. Triads. They're no better than any other sort of scum on the
sp: Yaukza -> Yakuza
[snip]
The moon rises in the infinte darkness above, a pale sliver in the
night sky. Some of the streetlamps are busted, what few left struggling to
hold the night at bay. This is one of the more destitute sections of the
city, one of the places you don't see or hear about. Urbanization wasn't all
it was cracked up to be, and everyone seems to deny it.
According to the "official" reports, Japan is just this side of
Eden. Unofficially, crime is as big a problem here as it is anywhere else.
There are junkies, pedophiles, and all sorts of other examples of human
trash. The streets may be reasonably clean, but the evil is still there
lurking beneath the surface.
I lovingly stroke the cold metal of the Benelli M39 pump-action
sawed-off I keep tucked away. This thing's a monster at close range, and I
intend to get very close. The leaf blades are strapped to my stomach beneath
the coat, with an entire arsenal of other blades and spare ammo for the
shotgun tucked away in the sleeves.
Hmm... while it's not impossible, I suppose, I'm given to
understand that guns are very uncommon in Japan. A pistol would seem a lot
more likely to me than a shotgun, to be honest.
The upstairs lights are on, filtered through the filthy windows of
the dingy warehouse in front of me. The acrid stench hit me three blocks
off, and got worse the closer I came. The whole thing is so amateurish, it's
almost laughable. Almost.
Acrid stench of what?
[snip]
I see them in the middle of the warehouse amongst piles of crates
from America, Germany, Britian, and elsewhere. Five men ragged clothing with
sp: Britian -> Britain
Also, 'Five men ragged clothing' doesn't make much sense. You
meant 'Five men in ragged clothing', right? ;)
two more wearing expensive suits. Those two are the chief torpedoes, the
others merely grunts doing the backwork. I can take them out in one go,
before they even realize the danger.
I throw my arms outward. Each blade is tipped with a quick, and
lethal, poison, guranteed to put them down quick and hard. The thin knives
Hmm... that last sentence is a bit... I dunno. I'd suggest:
Each blade is tipped with a quick and lethal poison, and
guaranteed to put them down fast and hard.
(Also, you used 'quick' two times in close succession -- which
isn't necessarily wrong, just uncommon -- and 'guranteed' is missing a
letter. :)
find their marks, embedding themselves into the soft flesh of the targets.
Within seconds, three of them is on the floor, either dead or quickly dying.
is -> are
(is = singular, are = plural)
A couple more blades send the final two down before they can even thnk of
typo: thnk -> think
drawing their weapons.
After only a few steps into the light, I feel the eyes on my back.
Looks like I didn't get them all. The knife leaves my hand as I spin,
hitting the remaining man square in the throat. That oughtta.... oh, FUCK!
I dive behind a crate just as a bullet screams past my ear. Stupid,
didn't think that any others would be here. I'm running low on blades, but I
use another nonetheless as the final guard goes down.
I ste out from behnd my cover, every sense on high alert scanning
ste?
I'm assuming you mean 'steal', but I'm not sure...
the silence for signs of anyone I missed as I approach the crates the now
dead men were standing over. Inside the wooden boxes are bags of a fine
now dead -> now-dead
[snip]
Nobody ever comes down here anymore, one of the main reasons I chose
this place to hide my weapons. The old sewer tunnel had been abandoned since
the fifties, blocked off as the system had been steadily improved. Despite
its disuse, the smell still lingers in the air. I'll have to clean this
suit pretty soon.
I hang the bodysuit on the hook I screwed into the wall, just a
black shirt and jeans, really. I haven't been able to score any kevlar yet.
Next comes the coat and sash of leaf blades.
I take off the wrist gauntlet which houses my Sig and place it in
A Sig too?
the inside pocket of the coat. I hide the shotgun next to the bangstick in
the corner of the abandoned tool closet. I haven't had the cause to use that
Whoa, hold up. A pistol and two big guns? Er...
I suppose it could work, but I'm not sure if it'd work in a Ranma
fic. After all, you don't see ANY guns (AFAIK) in Ranma... which implies
that that universe's Japan is at least as ardently anti-gun as our Japan is.
You might want to re-think this part. Why are so many weapons
necessary? Or, perhaps, why can't he/she/it/whatever use, say, a
bow? Ancient weapons would be much easier to steal/buy/make than shotguns
and pistols.
And it'd be simple enough to add firepower to arrows, if it's
really necessary (flame, smoke, what-have-you).
[snip]
Well, you might be able to deduce who this is. Or maybe not. Either
way, I'd appreciate any and all comments and criticism. Flames will be met
with my fire extinguisher. ^_^
Hmm... my money's on Kodachi. :)
So far, so good. I like the premise, although I do think you need
to re-think the whole weapons bit. It could work as-is, I admit... but it
makes it just that little bit more difficult to believe. :) And besides...
I think ancient weapons would be cooler.
I'm not quite sure where the plot is going, though... all I've
gathered is that whoever this is is pissed about the lack of justice, and
has taken matters into their own hands. Fair enough. But that's it, at
this point. That may be what you intended, it may not. YMMV. :)
Later!
Brian Payne
sofaspud@sofaspud.org
http://www.sofaspud.org