"David Choi" <choi175@home.com> wrote:
Some C&C would be GREATLY appreciated!
you can see other works by me at http://www.geocities.com/choiboy5_2000
please send me some response! I'm literally dying (my zeal for fanfiction I
mean) without any response from people!
Well, here ya go. As always, here's the obligatory reminder that the
best way to get a lot of responses is to *give* a lot of them.
A man walked. Normally this would be nothing to be concerned about. In
fact, there is nothing disconcerting about in this.
However, this man was walking through an apocalyptic ruin of what once
was a city.
This opening really doesn't work for me. Not only is it rather worn-out
and cliched, but the attempt at cleverness actually distracts from the
mood of the scene you're trying to show. Just try to describe the scene
as your character perceives it; that's difficult enough. :)
There were broken alabaster pillars lying on the ground in a state of
ruin. Skeletons littered the ground in an eerie sort of way. Arrows,
swords, shields, and many other equipments of war were almost casually
strewn about. Death was upon this city.
This is much better. This gives us a much clearer sense of the scene.
None of this had an effect on him. What did effect him was the sight of
a child-sized skeleton gripping a small teddy bear in its skeletal
hands. Tears came to his eyes at the sight before him.
RANMA: Oh WOW! All my life I've looked for a bear durable enough to
survive this kind of holocaust!
A beam of green light burst from the aforementioned hand to create a
crater. He picked up the small skeleton and the little teddy and
tenderly placed them in the newly created grave. He carefully covered
the grave with dirt and knelt.
You're using a lot of "He did this" sentences. Try to vary your
structure to avoid the tedium of repetition.
It was a dark and stormy night. Lightning and thunder erupted across the
Urk. You may not be aware that "It was a dark and stormy night" is
considered to be *the* most cliched opening line in the
One man wore a light red vest, loose black kung-fu pants, wrist bracers,
and black lithe slippers. He sported a pig-tail that reached just under
his shoulders.
His name, Ranma Saotome.
His name, Ken Inuyisha.
What, the same guy? Or the other one? You've only described one of them.
"I don't have to answer to scum like you!" Shouted Ken in defiance.
shouted (no caps; the verb refers directly to the line of dialog, so
it's the same sentence)
"Alright!..... I'll...... tell you" Ken quickly said in desperation.
"Just..... let me...... down."
Ellipses should be three dots, or four if they end the sentence. Also,
you need a comma after 'tell you'.
He stooped over the body and searched for any signs of where to go about
finding out something about the killers of his sister. He came up with
nothing.
"Damn!" Seethed Ranma, "This piece of trash is clean!"
Um... wasn't Ken going to tell him something? I'm confused here.
Also, no caps on "seethed" for reasons previously given.
"I wonder what that means..."
---------Elsewhere
You don't need the linking caption. Just skip a little extra space,
maybe with a section divider header of your own choice, and give enough
description so that we can tell the scene's changed.
A figure looked in the cauldron that was reviewing the recent events.
"Hm... Interesting." Said the figure rubbing its chin. "It
Interesting," said
(Look for this sort of thing elsewhere; I'm going to stop pointing them
out.)
The figure gave off a hideous laugh and threw its cloak to the ground
revealing the figure to be a female that would have been considered
beautiful if it were not for her evil heart.
Considered by whom? And the "evil heart" seems rather cliched.
Ranma was travelling on the road to Tokyo when all of a sudden he was
ambushed by a group of ninjas dressed similarly to Ken (1).
Ugh. Don't put footnotes in a prose story. They're very distracting.
Work essential information into the text of the story and put the rest
in your author's notes or just get rid of it. For example, here you
could just write 'similary to Ken who had attacked him earlier.'
Ranma then had to duck to avoid a thrust to the head by a sword-weilding
sword-wielding
So far, I have to admit I'm pretty confused. Who the heck are all these
people and why are they attacking Ranma? We don't need the whole thing
explained here (in fact, that would be a bad idea) but we do need some
indication of what the heck is going on.
However, one thing that was important to him was his memories. Memories
of his mother, father, and sister. Memories of his friends. Memories
that would not, could not afford to lose.
that he would
At this moment he was thinking of the time that he first learned he
would have a sister...
-------flashback
You don't need the flashback indicator. Just let the context of the
story show the reader where the flashback begins and ends.
"No son," replied Nodoka in a gentle voice. "You are going to have a
"No, son,"
"Whoever told you that Ranma?"
that, Ranma?"
"Father did." Nodoka sighed at the news.
"Yes he did Ranma."
did, Ranma."
-------end flashback
An older Ranma sighed and was depressed, knowing that he would never be
able beat up his father like he used to.
able to beat
I'm getting more and more lost as this goes on. What did that scene have
to do with anything?
[skim through to end]
Well, that was... confusing. I'm sorry I can't tell you anything more
helpful. I really didn't get enough of a feel for what sort of world
this is supposed to be in, or why all these people would be after Ranma
and his little sister.
Giving out information in a story is a balancing act. Too much
exposition can drag down action and plot and make your story read like
an encyclopedia article; not enough can leave readers scratching their
heads and saying "huh?" This story, at least for me, was a case of the
latter.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html