Welcome! My name is Chris Sweeten. This is truly a honor for me to finnally
write a fic, after reading more or less all of them on the net. Send me your
C&C, or don't. Silence is Conformity. Anyways, here's my Thanksgiving present
to everyone.
{note: if this was posted by another name of mine, its purely a fault on my
part.}
I don't own any of these characters, cause if I did, I would probably be
laughing and bathing in money.
[Hats off to Rumiko Takahashi, and everyone else involved in the process of
Ranma 1/2]
"The Horror On the Table."
A Oneshot by Gravityfalls.
******************************
"Dammit Ranma!! Get back here and die like a man!!" taunted a very, very
pissed Ryouga, who was struggling to keep up the faster Saotome's dodging on
the Tendo rooftop.
"Ahh, hell. What'd I do this time?" spoke Ranma, dodging blows thrown by
Ryouga, obviously severely outclassing the much slower boy.
"Grrr..." fumed Ryouga. "Do I even need to say it, you ingrate! How dare you
insult beautiful Akane's cooking?!?!?!" screamed a furious Ryouga as he
continued his assualt on Ranma.
"Cooking? Cooking!?!?! You didn't even have to look at it, let alone taste
it!" yelled a now angry Ranma from just in front of Hibiki's face. "I think
I'd rather never eat again than eat a bite of that twisted concoction of
her's!!" commented Ranma as he dodged one of Ryouga's kicks to the
midsection, in turn landing on the angered lost boy's head.
"Ranmaaa......" seethed Ryouga. "If you were a real man, you'd eat that
cooking and you'd like it."
Ranma, choosing this moment to turn to stone, promptly fell off the lost
boy's head.
"What!! Thats as bad as stealing panties from Happosai?" said Ranma from his
prone spot on the ground. "You want me to kill myself?" shouted Ranma as lept
to his feet. Ryouga just grinned the way a vampire does before he goes for
the kill, fangs and all.
"Are you not even man enough to even eat your own fiancee's cooking, Ranma?"
Questioned Ryouga. " I proclaim a match of who can eat more of her cooking, a
eating contest if you will. The winner is either gonna be me , Ranma!"
Chomp. Welcome to Transylvania, Mr. Saotome..
"Or will just go ahead and admit defeat, here and now?"
Slurp. Here goes the vampire, at it again.
Ranma, stubborn as usual, bit on the proverbial foot lodged in his mouth. He
knew he couldn't back down, this was a challenge afterall, and what had the
old man always said?, inquired the gears in his head. 'It's your's if they
aren't lookin' laughed the face of Genma Saotome in his son's psyche.
Forgetting that thought, he turned to Ryouga, and said the only thing he
could. "Nannichuan water, behind you!"
Ryouga, being a rock hard case of 'dumb as a bag of bricks', turned to his
head and looked down at the tiles in front of him. The next thing he saw was
a foot semingly belonging to Ranma Saotome headed for his head, and the words
'I accept' written very poorly on the bottom.
***
It had been a while since Ranma had booted Ryouga, and all the moving had
done nothing for him. "I'm soooo hungry....'" muttered Ranma. Well, almost
nothing. Of course, Ranma wouldn't dare think of touching food now,
especially not after those horrifying moments at breakfeast, where he would
'til his dying day say he saw true evil. No. Food was off bounds now.
But... there was also Ryouga's challenge... "Damn Bacon-bits, challenging me
to eat the remains of hell itsel...." said Ranma, before a hammer connected
rather gracefully into his forehead.
"*What* was that about the remains of hell itself, Ranma? Honestly." said
Akane, as she removed the object from the skull of one Ranma Saotome.
Leaping from the floor, for the second time today, Ranma regained himself. "I
wasn't talking about your cooking, Akane. Jeez, Its not bad in the least." to
the rapidally brightening face of Akane.
"Really Ranma? You mean it?" asked Akane.
"Yep." Nodded one Ranma Saotome.
At this, Akane almost broke out in tears. He was finnally going to admit she
was a good cook! She hadn't been this happy since...
"Nope. I wouldv'e called it the remains of whats left of the remains of hell
after you cooked it." Interruppted Ranma, always the smart-ass.
Akane remembered when the last time she was happy was. With Ranma, her
mallet, and his head.
Smash. Crash. Boom.
Ahh hell, add your own sound effects. They probably happened.
"Ranma you idiot!!!" screamed Akane as the offender quickly took to the skys,
not too unlike a crippled pidgeon being thrown by a supersonic slingshot.
"The boy never learns, does he Tendo?" chided Genma Saotome to his old freind
Soun Tendo, sitting across the room from Akane.
"No Saotome, I don't believe he'll ever learn the art of subtleness..." Half
wept, half spoke Soun Tendo.
Akane Flinched. More than visual, but the two old men didn't seem to notice
her anymore.
"Ahh, but of course Tendo, the boy has trouble accepting his fiancee's...
unique way of cooking." Saotome said, still blunt to his daughter-in-law's
flaring aura.
"Unique? My little girl can't even cook eggs!!" cried Soun to his old friend.
By this point, Akane could have made nice fried eggs on her hands, with a
aura that would've made Satan himself cringe on his hinges.
"Tendo, lets not kid ourselves. We've both feared food because of her..."
Genma Saotome started a nice arc in the air, via the Akane express. Like
father, like son.
Soun Tendo just cried some more, at the loss of a good friend.
***
Foom!
Ranma landed with a splash. "Well, 'least her aim is gettin' better... unlike
some aspects of her" spoke Ranma, shuddering at the thought of Akane's
horrible food as it returned to her. How anyone could make such a culinary
massacre every occasion was just horrible to even think about.
Then, Ranma took the time to notice where she had landed. Outside the
UCCHANS. ::Man, what luck:: thought Ranma happily to himself. Least he could
get some decent food now.
With that, the female side of Ranma Saotome was almost down the block to
UCCHANS...
Just in time to see Konatsu exit the restaurant, and place the 'Closed' sign
in front.
With this, a very annoyed Ranma ran to Konatsu. "Hey man, why the closed
sign?"
Sighing, Konatsu spoke. "Miss Ukyo has decided to attend the match tonight,
and shes invited me along." ::Because she loves me!!:: added a delirous
Konatsu.
Hearing the word 'match', Ranma Saotome began to inquire. "Match? Tonight?"
"Yes, Mr. Ranma. Its a match, between Mr. Ryouga and...." pulling a flyer
from the folds of his dress, "and, well, you, Mr. Ranma."
"What??" screamed a furious Ranma. Calming down a little, he turned to
Konatsu "Umm.. Sorry 'bout that." Then headed off for the Tendo Dojo.
"My, Mr. Ranma was nice today... Ohh well, off to watch his fight with Miss
Ukyo at my side...." dreamed a hazy Konatsu from the curb outside UCCHANS.
***
Akane Tendo was quite pleased with herself. Ryouga had asked her to cook 40
dishes of food for him. ::Odd, isnt it?:: Thought the side of reason, but
that thought was quickly silenced to the thoughts of ::Ranma was wrong, I'm a
good cook!! At least sweet Ryouga sees that! ::
The even odder thing was, he wanted them laid out on a table in the dojo.
::Weirder things have happened:: thought Akane sweetly to herself as she
unknowing mixed window cleaner and bacon into a lovely cake.
***
Ranma had arrived just in time. Everyone in town was here to watch. Colonge,
Shampoo, Mousse, Ukyo, Konatsu, Happosai [complete with bag of panties], the
angry girls currently smashing the form of the old pervert, some of the
elderly from around town [Yeah, the old lady with the ladel too. Ladel in
hand], and the residents of the Tendo home [excluding Genma Saotome, having
not yet returned from his morning flight], complete with looks of puzzlement
at the table which held the unspeakable horrors 'neath its underbelly,
besides Akane, looking like a light bulb next to dim candles.
Then there was Ryouga, staring at Ranma with a menacing look in his eyes.
"Good thing you showed up Ranma. I thought I'd have to find you and ram all
this food down your throat." smirked the Hibiki boy, in a rather uncharistic
way.
::Hmm.... everyones here [cept that damned old man... where is he?.... and
why the hell has Ryouga been so cool today:: thought Ranma, taking his seat
in front of Ryouga.
"OK." stated Nabiki Tendo from the side of the table. "There are two rules to
this match. Number one : oponent cannot feed the other opponent food
forcefully."
Ranma cringed. Dammit! The one good idea he had all day.
"Number two : no food fights. Too many civilians around. This stuff could
harm someone, seriously." Akane was in too good a mood to notice Nabiki's
joke.
And so, the horror began.
***
"Horrible.... Horrible..." croaked Happosai, currently under the foot of a
young, pissed off lady. Genma Saotome was still on his trip back from the
sky.
"My little girl!" wailed away Soun Tendo from the sidelines. Kasumi, Ukyo,
Konatsu, Cologne, Shampoo, and Mousse had all turned their heads at the loss
of such valiant soldiers. The elderly citizens of the Nerima district had all
passed out, whilest the younger female population were taking turns smashing,
crushing, and beating Happosai into a bloody pervert paste. Nabiki Tendo was
too busy betting on whether the old pervert paste would be more edible than
any of the other food on the table.
Ranma and Ryouga had hardly noticed the food, both too busy staring the other
down.
No, this wasn't a war going on. Akane had just unveiled the food under the
tablecloths. And it was time for the battle to begin.
***
Ranma glared at Ryouga. Ryouga returned the glare, just as menacing. This was
going to be a contest between men, and neither was going to back down...
Generally, that meant neither wanted to make the first move.
Ranma made his move first. It would've resembled a gunfighter going for his
six shooter, except with more sweat and a whole lot more procrastination. He
stared down the end of a deadly pair of chopsticks, at what only Akane, and
maybe... no, not even the starving would call this food.
Gulp. ::Ranma, good luck...:: He proceeded to raise the fork to his mouth...
"Come on Ranma, eat it already!" shouted the lost boy. Ranma just glared at
him.
As the fork moved closer, Ranma could feel his head start to spin, the idea
of the food giving him nightmares alrea..
Foom!
In traditional form, Genma Saotome chose this moment to fall from one of the
holes in the roof, rather ungracefully [some would say this WAS graceful for
the fat man...], landing square between Ryouga and Ranma smashing the table,
and most of the food on it. Sighs of relief could be heard all around, the
house had been purged of the true greatest evil in all of Japan. Happosai
would've kindly agreed at the moment, aside from the fact that his spine was
being crushed at its tip. The back of his head.
The rest of the onlookers did what onlookers do best. Ran for the hills.
***
Ryouga froze. The last thoughts through his head were ::No Dammit!! This was
suppost to be my victory!! Now theres no food left to eat...:: That was
before Ranma knocked him for a whirl. And beside the fallen Genma, is the
spot on the floor where Hibiki decided to fall, having never taken a bite of
the sinister stew, the molten mashed potatos, or the beastly broccoli plate.
Ranma, seeing the departure of the Hibiki boys conciousness, formed a plan.
And with a smirk on his face, picked up his tea, and drank the whole glass,
even ate the lemon. ::Heh. Nobody ever said WHAT I had to eat, did they?::
said Ranma, grinning to himself the whole time. One more win in his column
against Ryouga, he guessed. Things turned out OK afterall. ::Where'd Kasumi
go? Ohh well, guess I better find her if anyone around here is gonna get
anything to eat.:: With that, a victourious Ranma walked out the door,
searching for the one person in the house [besides himself, of course, but he
prefered Kasumi's food over his any day of the year] that was worthy of the
title Chef.
***
Akane was mad. Not just mad, really. More like violently infuriated. Luckily,
she could beat on TWO Saotomes for todays incidents. She kicked a fallen
Genma into the sky, before she headed out the door, after a better target....
***
Ryouga Hibiki would not loose. He couldn't. If you believed in yourself hard
enough, you could manage anything. At least this is what the book Nabiki
leant him had said. Putting his mind to it, he dipped his finger in what
appeared to be... well, for all intents and purposes, one would guess it was
melted plastic. ::Heh.. too easy.:: he inwardly cackled.
Then he licked his finger...
***
"Uhh, Captain. You might wanna look at this..." said Private First Class
Ohara, who just happened to be stationed in Kyoto at the moment.
"What is it, Private?"
"Sir.. It appears to be a human, clad in black, flying through the air at low
earth orbit."
"Origin?"
"Tokyo. Seems to be from the Nerima ward."
A quick nod passed between the two.
"Very well."
"Sir, how shall I report this?"
"Don't."
"Yessir."
*******************************
"Like the coldest winter chill, heaven beside you. Hell within."
Alice in Chains, Heaven Beside You.