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QAA21991
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----- Original Message -----
From: Miller, Bert <bert.miller@unisys.com>
To: 'Allyn Yonge' <ayonge@yahoo.com>; <ffml@fanfic.com>
Sent: Wednesday, November 22, 2000 9:05 PM
Subject: [FFML] Re: [fanfic][Ranma/GL] Bedlam Fire chapter 1
Nice story.
roof and splattered a scroll he'd stolen from Alexandria . .
Before or after the Library burned? If late enough so that
Christian monks are that active in Germania, I wouldn't
have thought there'd be all that many interesting scrolls
left in Alexandria, given the power the book-burning
fundamentalists held there during the Arian controversy.
Nobody said WHEN Zhang stole it.
While I don't personally have any problem with "...monk great-
grandfather", in context I'm not sure I find any value in this
clause worth the hassle some of your readers have evidently
It isn't. It all began as a throwaway comment, which others
disagreed with..
found in it. Unless you're going to have Shampoo or
Cologne play a major role and trade on their descent from
Adalwolfa, I'd consider just taking this out. It's not like
this necromancer wouldn't have made plenty of deadly enemies
on his own...
Meaning that the aforementioned scene occurred around 294 C.E.,
meaning that Zhang was driven out of Germania "decades" before
"almost two centuries" before that... So interesting scrolls
in Alexandria works, but active, aggressive Christian
missionaries in "Germania" might be problematic. OTOH, this
is certainly before any codification of monastic rules...
Yes, not to mention the establishing of monasterys.
Notes on "The Amazon Nation":
I'm assuming the Chinese Amazons are the remnants of a
group of the original Amazons that, according to legend,
were captured in battle and carried of into slavery. On
board ship they killed their captors. Unfortunately the
Amazons weren't sailors and couldn't find their way
home. I've changed the legend slightly by assuming that,
for various reasons, they or their descendants
eventually ended up in China. I've used
several existing or past mountain cultures as a
template to build the present day Chinese Amazons. I'm
also assuming that the Chinese Amazons have a great deal
of adoption from outside the tribe to keep the gene pool
diverse. Further I'm assuming that names are not
necessarily reflective of racial characteristics. For
instance, Aziza had an Arabic name, due to familial
relationships, but was more nordic in type. ^_^
Not sure why you're using the putative Scythian derivation.
"Amazon" is something Viz introduced, not from Takahashi;
the original "Nujiezu" or "Joketsuzoku" just means
"women hero tribe". Given what you say about "using
several... mountain cultures as a template", I don't
see why you want or need the Scythian connection (which
I, for one, find annoying when I see it).
In connection with the Joketsuzoku or with Amazons in general?
OTOH, I like the exile to Qinghai based on a search
for land they don't need to defend. Given the source
material, any background for the Nujiezu must situate
a clearly Han culture as an enclave in a Tibetan
territory; defeat and retreat works well for this.
Your early, incidental characters you manage to make
quite appealing without much space: we care what
happens to them. This contrasts very oddly with your
handling of the familiar Ranma characters: I find I
care less than usual about almost all of them. Unless
you're going somewhere VERY strange, I'd suggest giving
us some aspirations or something for one or two, at
least, so that we care more. Or tone down the misbehavior
of the ones you're going to hurt the most; right now,
I'd wouldn't MIND if you killed off the whole cast.
Patience, patience...
(I just finished pre-reading it, hopefully catching all
the mistakes)
Hans Holm
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