Haven't read much of the other C&C on this, so I may be repeating the
same corrections as someone else. No matter -- onward!
Allyn Yonge <ayonge@yahoo.com> wrote:
(Note: Green Lantern #16 provided the inspiration for this
story. However only the colour green remains.)
No lantern? :)
Zhang, the necromancer, turned the stone in his hands.
It wasn't really stone, but then Zhang wasn't really his name.
Not the one he'd been born with decades earlier, thousands of
miles away in the black forests of Germanica. Before the
servants of the murdered god had driven him from his home.
Thin bloodless lips curved in a small, almost smile, recalling
Suggest 'a thin almost-smile,' (doesn't seem right as written)
Stretching hugely he took a sip from his mug, grimacing
hugely, he
(I noticed this when I did the oral reading of "Yellow Tiger" at
AnimeFest last year: You use quite a lot of "Doing X, he did Y" type
sentences, and also tend to forget the comma between the two parts.)
Turning his attention back to the stone he considered it
stone, he
with narrowed eyes. At first he'd thought it was star-metal.
The ultra-fine steel that sometimes fell from the sky was
valuable enough to be worth his trouble. Yet this unformed
lump was . . .different. It called to him in subtle and exciting
ways. Pushing aside his mug and plate he began gently
removing the dark outer crust with a mixture of diamond dust
and fat rendered from murdered children.
Yes, if he doesn't kill babies for the sheer pleasure of it, he isn't a
Yonge villain. :-)
The ancient necromancer was indifferent to worldly
comfort now, the last of his human desires had been burnt
Run-on sentence. Needs to be
now; the last of his human desires had been
or
now, the last of his human desires having been
"You will be with your mother soon, little one." Zhang
one," Zhang
"But first you have to do something for me." Out of
sight Zhang slid his hand into a bag of newly tanned leather
sight, Zhang
"I find it hard to believe anyone is _that_ brave."
brave,"
"An Amazon?" Zhang said meditatively, splitting his
attention between the boy he'd been systematically preparing
for weeks and the star-stone he'd lived with for decades.
"Ahhh . . .was she a blond?" He let the child's baby fine hair,
BOY: A Chinese blonde? Whaddaya think, she uses Miss Clairol?
ZHANG: Shut up! This is anime! You aren't allowed to question such
things!
like corn-silk slip between the thin cold fingers of one hand.
silk, slip
"Mama! Mama!"
"Did she look like this?" Lazily he swung the bag aloft
Lazily, he
with his left hand, the long blond hair and tatoo easily
recognizable despite having been peeled from the living skull.
BOY: Um... no, her cheeks weren't quite so wide, and....
And with that voice came images, strange and terrible.
The ancient magician's centuries of petty murder and torture
were ripped asunder by the stone's mind-rape. A torrent of
visions flooded his mind, things that twisted the sanity of the
The "torrent of... flooded" seems a bit cliched, or at least overused,
especially compared to the overall high quality of the prose here. Maybe
you could come up with a fresher metaphor?
Adalwolfa raised her hand in silent signal. On her left
left,
Crawling slowly through grass close cropped by herds
of goats she listened to the whirr of insects and smelled the
goats, she
rich soil that she bruised in passing. The sun seemed warmer,
the sky bluer and she wondered if this would be her last day
alive. Death rested lightly on her soul. The thought of failure
turned her bowls to water. For almost two centuries the
magician had been harvesting the Amazon's like a wolf among
Amazons
Finding her position good she froze in place, signaling
good, she
the others that she had done so. This done, she waited, patient
as a stone. Or an assassin. The sun had moved barely a finger
width above the horizon when two whistling arrows screamed
into the sky from the far side of the necromancers compound.
necromancer's
In a rush, what seemed to be hundreds of Amazon's
Amazons
erupted from the ground and hurtled toward the magicians lair.
magician's
Years of observation had let the Amazon's shaman, Ilu,
Amazons'
know that every great working left the necromancer distracted
and vulnerable. And the greater the magic, the greater his
vulnerability. Her auguries had shown that the disappearance
of Galya and her son was related to Zhang's blood magic. She
convinced the War Leader, Adalwolfa, that while they could
not save Galya, her sacrifice might allow the Amazon's one
Amazons
heavy wooden stakes together, interwoven with rope spun
>from the hair of countless murdered women and men. A bright
scarlet plait gleamed in the sun, and she stumbled, tears
blinding her eyes. Red was a color rare and prized among
these dark haired easterners. Perhaps that was why her mother
dark-haired
Balanced for a moment she scanned the empty interior
moment, she
yard for traps, then fastened a line to the wall before letting it
fall behind her. Dropping lightly to the ground she heard the
ground, she
The necromancers house exploded in green fire, killing
necromancer's
a dozen warriors instantly, scattering the rest over the ground
like leaves in a storm. Dazed and bleeding Adalwolfa dragged
bleeding,
herself to her feet to see a giant, bathed in green fire stride
fire, stride
Kynthia burst from concealment, firing her composite
horse-bow at point-blank range. The heavy iron bolt spattered
against the green fire, like grease on a hot griddle, and
vanished. With a laugh like breaking stone the giant plucked
the Amazon from the ground and pinched off her arms and
legs, like an evil child tearing the wings off a fly. Casting her
bleeding, dying husk aside the necromancer looked around for
aside, the
new play things.
playthings.
Sick at heart Adalwolfa watched her Amazons strike
heart,
with spear and sword and arrow. And striking, die. Each
warrior as helpless against the emerald fire as a naked infant
Suggest: warrior was as helpless
against a steel sheathed warrior. Knowing she would die but
steel-sheathed
having no heart to outlive her people, Adalwolfa snatched a
broken spear from the ground and drove it into the giants side.
giant's
Enraged Amazons tore rope woven from the hair of
their dead sisters from the smashed palisade and tied them to
the shafts of their headless spears. As if gaffing a trout they
pierced the flying magician with wood, tangled him with ropes
and dragged him back to earth. Too new to his power, shocked
and disoriented by pain and fear the magician needed time to
fear, the
develop a counter to this attack. Time the Amazons were not
going to allow.
Stabbing and hacking the maddened Amazons ripped
hacking, the
Calina paused at the top of a hill to look back into the
blasted valley. The green fire had lapped at the base of the far
hills, then fallen back like a storm tossed sea. In it's wake
its
Only the children remained of the Amazon nation, and
only the fleetest of those. Even if the very land had not been
killed they could not stay. It would be generations, if ever,
before the Amazons would be able to protect their own. They
had no choice but to flee to a land they could hold simply
because no sane person would want it. Shouldering her pack
pack,
One thousand six hundred years later, in the twenty
sixth year of the Meiji Emperor, the year 1894 by Western
reckoning, a woman prostrated herself before the statue of
Senjiu-Kawannon as she prayed for the life of her child. She
had visited the three and thirty temples sacred to the Goddess
of Mercy around Kyouto and walked the thirteen hundred
kilometer pilgrims path around Shikouku, praying and offering
gifts at each of the eighty six temples begging that her sons life
son's
be spared.
And as she left the very last temple, the clouds suddenly opened, and a
booming voice called out, "FORGET IT, LADY. HE'S TOAST!"
Everyday his breathing was a little more labored.
Every day
(As one word, this is used as an adjective, e.g. "This was not your
everyday Japanese kid.")
Everyday the shadows in his eyes grew a little deeper and her
Every day
heart grew heaver. The doctors had given up hope weeks past,
heavier.
declaring that his fate was beyond modern medicine. And
perhaps beyond even the help of the gods.
And besides, the kid didn't have insurance.
And so at last she had come to the Ni-gwarsu-dou on a
path of blood, as she crawled the fifty kilometers from the
coast on her knees. The "Hall of the Second Moon" was
famous for it's statue of Kwannon-of-the-thousand-hands that
its
Prostrating herself before the image she prayed with
image, she
"Your prayer will be answered!"
"Really?"
"Yup. The answer is... no! Sorry about that!"
The sudden voice almost caused her heart to stop,
thinking the icon had given tongue. Then she noticed the black
robed monk, face hidden in the shadows of his deeply conical
black-robed
straw hat.
"R . . .reverend one?" She whispered hoarsely, hardly
she (no caps; same sentence, since she's whispering the line of dialog,
not just whispering)
daring to hope that this monk might offer some mystic
treatment, some devine intercession.
divine
"I don't understand." The woman stammered tearfully,
understand," the (see above)
Silence was her only answer. She looked up to find the
monk gone and a polished stone that shimmered with a soft
green glow resting in his place. With trembling hands she
reached out and took the thing from the floor. Turning back to
the icon of Kwannon she found the statue had vanished.
Kwannon, she
Sitting beside her son's bed she listened to him fight
bed, she
Placing the lightless lamp beside her dying son she
son, she
The future prime minister of Japan returned the hug
weakly as the rising sun filled the room with a ruddy light, like
new spilled blood. A new day had come to Hiroshima.
*life*
And the second seal shattered.
A few days later, the kid was flattened by a bus. Go figure.
WOMAN: Hey! He said it was 1894!
ME: Oh. Accidentally stabbed to death, then.
WOMAN: That's better.
"What a lovely birthday party,"Tendou Kasumi smiled
"Party." Tendou
(she's just smiling, not smiling the line of dialog, so the description
is a separate sentence from the dialog)
at her baby sister while she deftly removed the decimated
remains of cake and ice cream, "and so many lovely presents."
cream. "And (again)
"Let me help you with that Oneesama." Akane started
to her feet, only to be waved back.
KASUMI: That won't be necessary. I can handle this Oneesama by myself,
thank you.
AKANE: This is how missing commas can cause trouble.
"No work for the birthday girl," Nabiki smiled
girl." (again)
sardonically from her position holding up the wall. "This is
_your_ day."
NABBY: The *other* three hundred and sixty-four, you'll be doing *all*
the housework.
"Yeah, don't spoil it by goin' in the kitchen." Ranma
kitchen," Ranma (and again)
"I've got fifty that says they both end up in the koi
pond." Sayuri countered as Nabiki rapidly scribbled bets in a
pond," Sayuri (and once more)
"More party games?" Kasumi returned from the kitchen
to scoop up soiled linen and crumb filled plates. How nice."
MIssing a " before How.
She paused in the midst of her cleaning to pluck an irregular
object from the debris. Turning it in her hands she examined
the thing, which looked like a Salvador Dali painting stuffed
inside a Klein bottle during a storm at sea. "Did you bake this
Akane?"she asked in a mildly accusing tone.
RANMA: Of course not! This Akane was baked long before I showed up!
(MIssing comma, and need a space before 'she')
"Aaaaaak!" Ryouga wrenched free of Ranma's hold
and made a desperate grab for the thing in Kasumi's hands.
"T . . .that's mine," he stuttered. "Ummmm . . .it's for you," he
said blushingly, thrusting what was now revealed to be a
Suggest: he said, blushing,
(Presumably the blushing refers to the way he looked, rather than to his
manner of speaking?)
She . . .she touched me, Ryouga thought, weeping tears
of joy. Now I can die a happy man.
A bit extreme for him, IMO. This is Ryoga, not Gosunkugi.
"Happy birthday to you," he sang softly, blowing his
special powder through the open window. It wouldn't do to
have her wake up and spoil the surprise. "Happy birthday
birthday,
The Master of All Evil's eyes gleamed in the
moonlight as he stared at Akane. Licking his lips he moved
closer. This would be even better than the time he hit her
shiatsu sleep-spot, or when he used the dream incense, or that
time at the hot-springs , or . . .
Well, he should hope so. Because every one of those times, Ranma chased
him off before he could do anything. :)
**Wildly Akane fought to run away, step by agonizing
Wildly,
step, as if she were running through mud. And the spider just
kept coming, skittering across the floor, closer and closer. It's
closer, its
All he had to do was touch Akane with the "Staff of
Eros" and she would fall madly in love with him. Almost
And he right away went to use it on her? With so many beautiful women in
the world, that's awfully decisive for him. :)
swooning at the thought Happousai stretched out his hand . . .
thought, Happousai
**With all her strength she brought the flexible bamboo
down across the spiders fat body. Again. And again. Until she
spider's
felt it crack like a strawberry basket. She kept smashing at the
loathsome bug until it's legs stopped twitching. Shuddering in
its
revulsion she flicked the horrid thing out of the window with
revulsion, she
the tip of the practice sword. Grimacing at the bug guts
smeared on the end of the shinai she tossed it out the window
shinai, she
"Hey Akane, get movin' or you're gonna be late," a
"Hey, Akane,
"Man, you look like sh----" Rama stumbled over his
tongue as Kasumi moved gracefully from the kitchen with miso
soup and rice. "Ummm . . .thanks for the breakfast, Kasumi."
Kasumi,"
"I didn't sleep well." Came the mumbled reply. Maybe
well," came
if she snuck up on the sucker? Tofu was tricky.
KASUMI: [dreamy look] Oh, I know.
AKANE: That's not what I meant!
"Nightmare," now where had that sneaky . . .ahaaa . . .
"Nightmare." Now
"Ooooo," Ranma said tauntingly, dangling some
noodles on the end of his chopstick in front of her face. "is the
face." Is
or
face," is
"Great as always Oneesama." She absently patted the
always,
groaning Ranma on the shoulder as she walked past. "Don't be
late to school. I've got four to one odds you'll make it to class
on time. And six to one Kuno gives a gift to his pig-tailed-
goddess before lunch." At Kasumi's questioning glance she
added, "He doesn't want her to feel slighted because he gave
Akane a gift." She nodded in the direction of the life size Kuno
bust that recited poetry when a button was pushed or when a
heat sensor indicated someone was in the room. It had taken
her two hours to figure out how to pull the plug on the darn
thing. And she'd only charged Akane three hundred yen for the
Suggest: how to get the batteries out of the darn thing. (I mean, c'mon,
now. Any idiot knows how to pull a plug. Of course, Akane could've
simply smashed it, or buried it six feet deep....)
"Nihao Airen!"
"Nihao, Airen!"
"Shan Pu bring too, too good lunch."
AKANE: Two? Then give one to me.
SHAN: I say two two. That make four.
Akane looked up wearily from where she sat beneath
the tree, too tired to chew, almost too tired to breath. The brief
breathe. Breath is the noun.
"Why you Chinese hussy," Ukyou stomped forward
"Why, you Chinese hussy."
"Get----," she wiggled the spatula back and forth as
she pushed forward,
"Off----," grunting with effort she put her back into it,
"MY----," Damn, she was going to have to order that
new hydraulic upgrade from Spatula Monthly.
Similarly, all of the three dialog snippets should end with periods, not
commas, and the sentences that follow need to start with capitals.
"FIANCEE!!!"
"FIANCE!!!" (Only one e when it's a male)
Ukyou gave a tremendous heave and Shan Pu broke
suction with a wet popping sound. Flipping neatly through the
air the amorous Amazon landed on her feet, facing the
air, the
obstreperous okonomiyaki chef.
(consults dictionary) Um... yeah, okay. Just checking. :)
"Interfere Amazon and husband mean death." Shan Pu
death," Shan
Ukyou countered with her battle spatula held high over
her head in both hands, the blade slanting down behind her
back in what looked like a modified "molinello" stance. The
apparent opening was offset by the tremendous power of the
stance. It was also an attempt to lure the Amazon into an
attack. As soon as Shan Pu thrust, Ukyou would counter with a
time-cut to her leading arm to remove the offending limb and
follow that with a return cut to her head that, if successful,
would leave Shan Pu staring back at her own body from
several feet away.
_ If_ she were serious.
A little reluctantly Ukyou decided using the edge
_might_ be just a tad extreme. At least with so many
witnesses. She would have to be satisfied with just hurting the
little tart. Repeatedly.
Eep. I mean, I like to piss off the Ukyo fanboys as much as anyone, but
this is rather extreme for her. Suggest taking out the de-limbing and
decapitating references, unless you *want* to develop Ukyo goes killer
as a significant part of your story.
"Yeah?" Ukyou frowned, noting male reaction to Shan
Pu's "personality". "Well, no silicon strumpet's gonna get
_my_ sweetie!" She stalked forward a step.
"SILICON!" Shan Pu half-shrieked in outrage. "What
you saying?" Replacing her knives Shan Pu stomped to within
SHAN: Word is SILICONE! Ha ha! Stupid girl no speak very well Japlish!
"Look like dried up cow poo-poo," the Amazon
sneered. "husband deserve only _Best_!" Shampoo whipped
"Husband (it's the start of a new sentence)
"Oh YEAH!" Ukyou ripped off her bindings and,
aggressively, went nose-to. . .nose with the Amazon, proudly
upholding the honor of Japan. "Top _these_ you bimbo."
_these,_
"I can't find my noodlestooper." Akane replied very
noodlestooper,"
"Oh Ranma," Tendou-san, weeping a river, fell on
"Oh, Ranma."
"Stupid old man," Ranma slapped the hat away, "You
man."
away. "You
"It's wonderful news," Soun blubbered, gathering
Since you're using the "Extra U" romanization, his name's Souun.
"There's always the chance of infection." Nabiki put in
infection,"
"You're a good daughter," Soun wept, taking a deeper
pull at the bottle. "to cheer your old father so."
bottle, "to
"Heh," Ranma smirked, "a gorilla girl even when you
"Heh." Ranma smirked. "A
"Fortunately she out grew the nightmares at about the
same time she stopped wetting the bed."
"Kasumiiiii!" Akane hissed, blushing furiously.
KASUMI: Oh, Akane, that was a long time ago! Nearly three years!
The green clad figure turned away from the monitors,
green-clad
"Buck up Tendou,"Genma patted his old friend on the
up, Tendou."
"Hey doc," Nabiki stopped just inside the door, "any
"Hey, Doc."
door. "Any
"The police report is still pending," the doctor moved
pending." The
her aside as several nurses rushed in with a crash cart. "but it
"But
End Chapter 1
Hokay, let's step back and look at the forest rather than all of these
trees. :)
The story seems like it's going somewhere very interesting; however,
it's taking an awful long time to get there. The stuff with the
necromancer and the dying son are both interesting enough to stand on
their own, but they're (presumably) not what the story's about, and at
the end of the first chapter we're still only barely getting into it.
So what would I suggest? Well, cut the stock Ranma interactions down to
bare minimum. Introduce the new element (the thingy that is no longer a
lantern) with a minimum of other distraction. Another idea, which may
not be workable but I'll throw it out for consideration anyway, would be
to put the two backstory segments (Zhang and Mother Whatsername) in
between blocks of present-day Ranma story in which Akane's power-up is
introduced, so that the readers don't have to wait a whole chapter for
the introduction of the main conflict.
That's my 2 yen on this one. Hope to see more whenever it's ready.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html