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Nice story.
roof and splattered a scroll he'd stolen from Alexandria . .
Before or after the Library burned? If late enough so that
Christian monks are that active in Germania, I wouldn't
have thought there'd be all that many interesting scrolls
left in Alexandria, given the power the book-burning
fundamentalists held there during the Arian controversy.
removing the dark outer crust with a mixture of diamond dust
and fat rendered from murdered children.
I'm tempted to call this description 'nice', but, given
the content, this seems unwise. 'Very well done', perhaps,
or 'effective'.
and clothed him more sumptiously than the Emperor of Heaven
Might be worth adding something here for any readers who
don't immediately pick up that this is the Emperor of China.
The ancient necromancer was indifferent to worldly
comfort now, the last of his human desires had been burnt
away in a quest for power.
Also effective; quite horrifying.
"Did she look like this?" Lazily he swung the bag aloft
with his left hand, the long blond hair and tatoo easily
recognizable despite having been peeled from the living skull.
Eeeewwwwww! (Very effective.)
before beginning her advance. Today she was going to finish
the job her warrior-monk great-grandfather had started. Today
the necromancer was going to die.
While I don't personally have any problem with "...monk great-
grandfather", in context I'm not sure I find any value in this
clause worth the hassle some of your readers have evidently
found in it. Unless you're going to have Shampoo or
Cologne play a major role and trade on their descent from
Adalwolfa, I'd consider just taking this out. It's not like
this necromancer wouldn't have made plenty of deadly enemies
on his own...
magician had been harvesting the Amazon's like a wolf among
plural shouldn't have an apostrophe
into the sky from the far side of the necromancers compound.
while here, otoh, "necromancers" should have one.
In a rush, what seemed to be hundreds of Amazon's
erupted from the ground and hurtled toward the magicians lair.
Ditto; should be "Amazons" and "magician's"
Same thing occurs farther down as well.
and beasts and every living thing for a hundred li.
Given that your viewpoint is omniscient in this sentence (or
at least I think it is), I'm not sure that "li" is buying
you anything except some confusion among your readers about
how large an area is affected.
before the Amazons would be able to protect their own. They
had no choice but to flee to a land they could hold simply
because no sane person would want it.
Pretty good description of Qinghai...
One thousand six hundred years later, in the twenty
sixth year of the Meiji Emperor, the year 1894 by Western
Meaning that the aforementioned scene occurred around 294 C.E.,
meaning that Zhang was driven out of Germania "decades" before
"almost two centuries" before that... So interesting scrolls
in Alexandria works, but active, aggressive Christian
missionaries in "Germania" might be problematic. OTOH, this
is certainly before any codification of monastic rules...
"Fashion an image of Hito-Koto-Kwannon," the monk
commanded, "and your piety will be rewarded."
Very reminiscent of any number of old Japanese stories;
nice touch.
for breath. Her family had thought she was crazy to depend on
Kwannon to save her child, rather than science, in these
golden days of the Empire.
The whole family? Exceptionally progressive, then. Also,
"golden days" seems a bit optimistic for 1894: before Korea
or Russian-Japanese war, prior to the renegotiation of all
the western nations' extraterritorial rights.
"Eiku! Kiku, my son!" Tojo Yuko wept on her son's
shoulder.
I assume that "Kiku" is meant to be a second "Eiku"?
*life*
And the second seal shattered.
So, at this point, the reader can conclude that the
third seal shatters when someone calls on the stone,
or lamp, to grant "power", and that this will be a very
bad thing. Likely suspects: Akane, of course, if handed
the opportunity on a plate; Ryouga, Mousse, Kunou, ever-
questing for means to defeat Ranma. Ranma himself in dire
necessity. Nabiki, possibly, but clearly she would have to
understand "power" somewhat differently. Shampoo, Ukyou,
and Kodachi seem unlikely.
"Yeah, don't spoil it by goin' in the kitchen." Ranma
mumbled through a mouthful of cake.
And after Nabiki and Kasumi had been handling it so adroitly,
too...
"Happy birthday to you," he sang softly, blowing his
special powder through the open window. It wouldn't do to
have her wake up and spoil the surprise. "Happy birthday
_dear_ Akane." Watching her breathing deepen as the dust
took effect, he slipped inside. "Happi---- Birth----Day . . .
to . . .you."
Definite tone change from standard Ranma; Happi would
never get this far, or try this with onna-Ranma, in canon.
(Since he was established as interested in Akane, this counts
as a tone change rather than anything else.)
Happousai froze as Akane's back arched and she half
rose from her bed with a gasp. Strange. She shouldn't be able
to move----
**Her shinai! Gratefully her hands closed around the
smooth familiar shape----**
A sharp flash of green light blinded the ancient master
for a moment. Just a moment----
Hmmm... wouldn't this count as Akane calling on the statue
for power, already? Maybe she has to verbalize the desire?
"I didn't sleep well." Came the mumbled reply. Maybe
if she snuck up on the sucker? Tofu was tricky.
Heh. Interesting change in tone, side-by-side from the
warning signal of Akane's unusual tiredness.
"Great as always Oneesama." She absently patted the
I believe Nabiki tends to use "Oneechan" for Kasumi.
Akane a gift." She nodded in the direction of the life size Kuno
bust that recited poetry when a button was pushed or when a
heat sensor indicated someone was in the room. It had taken
her two hours to figure out how to pull the plug on the darn
thing.
Eeeeewwwww! Just like Kunou, too. Congrats: you're starting
to think like him. ;)
"There's always the chance of infection." Nabiki put in
from the corner where she was reading a fashion magazine.
Nabiki is home? Isn't this during lunch at school?
"Are you sure you're OK?" Ranma tried not to look
like he was hovering as he walked beside Akane down the
hospital corridor. "Not that I'm worried or nuthin."
Good dialog for Ranma, by the way, throughout this section.
OTOH, characterization is a tad TOO stock to be as interesting
as you may want it.
More generally, at this point I'm not sure which Ranma
character(s) your story is focusing on (I think Akane, but
I'm not sure). I'd think you'd want that particular
character or characters to be showing a bit more than "normal"
characterization at this point, if for no other reason
that better reader identification with whoever gets hurt
in this dark (I assume) tale. So far, just about everybody
is straight stock.
"The police report is still pending," the doctor moved
her aside as several nurses rushed in with a crash cart. "but it
looks as if he were beaten rather savagely with a stick."
It will be interesting to see that Tendo/Saotome reaction
to this statement; will they accept this on its face?
I shouldn't think so.
Notes on "The Amazon Nation":
I'm assuming the Chinese Amazons are the remnants of a
group of the original Amazons that, according to legend,
were captured in battle and carried of into slavery. On
board ship they killed their captors. Unfortunately the
Amazons weren't sailors and couldn't find their way
home. I've changed the legend slightly by assuming that,
for various reasons, they or their descendants
eventually ended up in China. I've used
several existing or past mountain cultures as a
template to build the present day Chinese Amazons. I'm
also assuming that the Chinese Amazons have a great deal
of adoption from outside the tribe to keep the gene pool
diverse. Further I'm assuming that names are not
necessarily reflective of racial characteristics. For
instance, Aziza had an Arabic name, due to familial
relationships, but was more nordic in type. ^_^
Not sure why you're using the putative Scythian derivation.
"Amazon" is something Viz introduced, not from Takahashi;
the original "Nujiezu" or "Joketsuzoku" just means
"women hero tribe". Given what you say about "using
several... mountain cultures as a template", I don't
see why you want or need the Scythian connection (which
I, for one, find annoying when I see it).
OTOH, I like the exile to Qinghai based on a search
for land they don't need to defend. Given the source
material, any background for the Nujiezu must situate
a clearly Han culture as an enclave in a Tibetan
territory; defeat and retreat works well for this.
Royal Household.)However the real reason is that
translating Japanese epithets and exclamatory remarks is
more difficult than it's worth.
But it might be good for a laugh and/or educational.
Summary: punctuation check, particularly apostrophes,
needed. Otherwise technically good.
Plot very intrigueing. Settings and descriptions early
on very good and evocative. You handle some very
tricky tone changes extremely well, IMO.
Your early, incidental characters you manage to make
quite appealing without much space: we care what
happens to them. This contrasts very oddly with your
handling of the familiar Ranma characters: I find I
care less than usual about almost all of them. Unless
you're going somewhere VERY strange, I'd suggest giving
us some aspirations or something for one or two, at
least, so that we care more. Or tone down the misbehavior
of the ones you're going to hurt the most; right now,
I'd wouldn't MIND if you killed off the whole cast.