Light Hawk <LightHawk@nc.rr.com> wrote:
Previous chapters can be found at
http://www.geocities.com/LightHawk19/THOTW.html
Just to let you know: Your author's notes in one of the previous
chapters said that the conflict in the story would begin with this
chapter. Therefore I didn't read the previous chapters. If this is where
the conflict starts, it's probably where you should have started telling
the story. You can always fill in the backstory as you go.
Ryoga was lost. This fact was not unusual because Ryoga is always
lost. What was unusual, however, was that he was lost hundreds of feet
Urk. I can't remember how many times I've seen a Ryoga scene start off
this way. While originality is difficult to acheive, we can at least try
to avoid the horribly overused. :)
Meanwhile, up at the surface, three figures could be seen performing
a ceremony of some sort in a cave somewhere. Two of them were busy
painting a magic circle in the middle of the open cavern while the third
was going over a scroll to make sure it was done correctly. The smaller
of the two working on the circle seemed quite agitated as she went on
with her work.
IMO, it would help if you were clearer about what point of view you're
using for the narrative. There's a quick essay on the topic at
http://www.akane.org/gary/fanfic/povessay.txt in case you're interested.
The paragraph above, for example, seems to vaccilate between a cinematic
POV where we only know what can be seen and heard in the scene, and a
fully omniscient one where the narrator knows what all the characters
are thinking.
"You know Akira, you could come down here and help out instead of
"You know, Akira, you
sitting on your ass and telling us what to do. This isn't the easiest
The rough language here is rather jarring -- mainly because it's not
what I'd expect from this type of secret mystical cabal guys. They're
your chacters; if you've thought about it and this is how they'd
normally speak to each other, then that's fine. Just make sure that it's
really the way you see them.
of chores you've made me do, you know." By the sound of the voice, it
was obvious that the person was a girl. It was also obvious that she
was very annoyed with having to do much of the work herself.
"Quiet you," replied Akira without looking up from his reading.
"Quiet, you," (missing comma)
"I wonder where I am now?" muttered Ryoga as he climbed out of his
self-made hole. Only after he dusted himself off did he notice the
three vary pissed off people staring at him with murder in their eyes.
very ("vary" means roughly "to change.") You might also want to
reconsider the use of "pissed off." Again, think about narrative point
of view and try to establish a consistent tone.
"Um, excuse me but did I interrupt something?"
"Oh, you can say that," replied the tallest one holding a scroll.
He was shaking visibly with fury, more so than the other two. "Sachi,
Ran get 'em!"
Missing a comma after "Ran."
At first, it seemed Ryoga had a distinct advantage. Ran and Sachi
were not good martial artists and could gain no advantage over their
quarry. This did not make this an easy fight on Ryoga, however. In
fact, it was quickly becoming the hardest one he had ever fought. The
Phoenix Tribe and Lime of the Musk were easy compared to who he was
fighting now. The problem with Ran and Sachi was, they could not be
hurt. This was obvious when Ryoga snapped Ran's shoulder with an ax
kick. Ran simply stepped back while the shoulder visibly set back into
place before resuming the fight. Sachi also had the same powers of
regeneration when several cuts and scrapes healed instantly.
Okay, this fight scene definitely needs work. As is, it reads more like
an explanatory summary than a scene. Some suggestions:
1) Describe the action in the scene in enough detail that your readers
can see (and hear, etc.) the action. For example, "Ran and Sachi were
not good martial artists" doesn't help us picture anything. What is it
about their stances, their attack forms, or whatever else that leads
Ryoga to conclude this?
2) Give judgements and conclusions *after* you describe the sight,
sound, etc. of whatever led to the conclusion. That R and S can't be
hurt is a conclusion on Ryoga's part. The snapping of the shoulder and
subsequent healing are what leads him to it. Therefore the latter two
things should come *first.*
Also, slow down a bit. Don't try to cram so much action into a single
paragraph.
Jump in, dodge, punch, block, kick, jump out. Ryoga was doing his
utmost to find a weakness he could exploit. His powerful combinations
had little effect on the two he fought. One would step back to collect
him/herself while the other pressed on only for the viscous cycle to
vicious ("viscous" refers to a stiff fluid, such as 20W-50 motor oil)
start again. Jump in, dodge, punch, get hit, hit back harder, jump out.
As the fight drug on, Ryoga was becoming visibly tired while Ran and
dragged
Sachi seemed as fresh as when they started fighting, despite the fact
that they had been hit far more times than they hit back. The way
than they had hit back.
things were going, it was clear to Ryoga who was going to win this
fight, and it was not him.
"Getting tired, little man. We'd be more than happy to put you to
man? (It's obviously being asked as a question)
It was then that Ryoga really looked into his adversary's eyes for
the first time and noticed they were as black as purest obsidian. Not
just the irises, but the orbs themselves. There was not the hint of
whiteness anywhere. This showed him just how desperate the fight was
getting. These guys weren't human. Thoughts of Akari and Akane never
seeing him again and not knowing why drove him into a deep depression
and Ryoga began draw into himself.
began to draw, or began drawing
The figure stepped into view. He was tall with closely cropped
brown hair and an diamond earring. The man was wearing an odd set of
black, loose clothing with a cape. He was instantly recognized as the
one who called the attack before. "I congratulate you on beating those
who had called
Ryoga quickly realized that this was going to be a different fight
than the one before. While the first two were merely brawlers, this one
was a martial artist. And a very good one at that. Ryoga had to use
every bit of his strength and endurance just to stay alive during the
fight. Akira was giving him no breaks during his furious onslaught.
His speed nearly matched Ranma's and his strength close to Ryoga's.
This made a deadly combination, which was the point of its use.
Again, show the fight, don't summarize it.
So, what do you think? Wanna know who those people in the cave were
and
what they were doing? Who's this boss person and when will he wake up?
I'm interested enough at this point to want to see more... but I hope
you'll work on the kind of things I mentioned above.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html