[contains some lime]
All characters TM & copyright 1996 by Rumiko Takahashi.
Rumiko Takahashi�s
St. Hebereke Twins
by W*ING Higley
Chapter 1: Double Trouble
�Twins?� Genma sounded shocked. �You�re saying my wife had twins?�
The nurse smiled. �Yes, Mr. Saotome. Congratulations.�
Genma Saotome sank heavily into his chair in the hospital waiting room. He rummaged through his pockets until he pulled out a handkerchief, which he used to wipe his sweaty forehead. �Twins you say?�
�Yes.�
Genma shook his head, not able to fully comprehend all of it. �How....how could that be?�
�Your wife should have taken my advice and had a sonogram, Mr. Saotome.� Genma and the nurse turned in surprise to see Dr. Fuhiro, Nodoka�s OB/GYN.
�My wife wanted it to be a surprise....�
�Well, it certainly turned out to be a surprise.� The doctor motioned towards the delivery room. �She�s ready to see you, if you like.�
Almost in a trance, Genma nodded and got up to follow the doctor.
*****
They were adorable, Genma thought. For all his talk of manliness, he was almost in tears at the sight of his two children.
The boy (thank God one of them was a boy, Genma thought) had a wisp of black hair and was suckling gently from Nodoka�s breast. The girl had red fuzz and was sleeping peacefully.
Nodoka smiled at her husband. �Aren�t they beautiful?�
Genma put his hand on his wife�s shoulder. �They are. What shall we name them?�
His wife thought for a moment before saying, �We�ll call the boy Ranma, and his sister will be named Ranko.�
�Ranma and Ranko Saotome.� Genma said the names with pride. �Both of them will go far in this world, mark my words.� Nodoka noted that her husband had started to regain some of his former bluster. �My son shall be a fine martial artist, yes indeed.�
Nodoka turned to her daughter. �And she will be raised as a fine and proper young lady.�
*****
16 Years Later....
Ranma surveyed the valley below them, full of odd pools of water. �So, this is Jusenkyo, eh Pops?�
�That�s what the map says....�
�You sure? This doesn�t look like no training ground I ever seen.�
Genma frowned. �Well, I never got a chance to fully translate the map....�
�Oh, you no want to train here!� Genma and Ranma turned in surprise to see a diminutive Chinese man standing before them, wearing the uniform of the Ministry of Tourism.
Ranma looked quizzically at the man. �Whaddya mean?
The guide shook his head. �This is cursed springs of Jusenkyo. You no want train here, trust me.�
Genma spoke next. �What do you mean, �cursed?��
The guide spoke as he led them down into the valley. �Many years ago, these pools were cursed. By who, I no not know. But, curse say that whoever swim in pool be cursed to turn into whatever drown there�
�You�re shittin� me.� Genma frowned at his son�s use of language. Perhaps it might not have been such a good idea to train with that kung fu master in Brooklyn for such an extended length of time.
�I no shit. Observe.� The guide rummaged around in the grass until he produce a simple field mouse. The mouse squeaked in terror as the guide hurled it into a nearby pool. Genma and Ranma watched in horror as the mouse morphed into a penguin.
�BWAAK!�
�No way.� Ranma couldn�t believe what had just happened.
The guide nodded. �Yes way. Whenever cursed creature doused in cold water, it turn into cursed form. Hot water turns back to normal.�
Genma shook his head. �And here I thought I�d seen it all. Thank you, sir. You�ve saved us both from a fate worse than death.�
�Is no problem.�
�Well, Ranma. I guess we�d better get going. Tell me, sir, where is the nearest settlement? I�m getting hungry and could use some food.� Genma pointed to his portly stomach, causing the guide to wonder if he was joking or not.
�There is Amazon village up the road a bit....�
�Thank you. Come Ranma. Race you there.� With that, Genma Saotome took off.
�No way, I�m gonna let you beat me in a race, old man.� Ranma called as he chased after him.
�.....But you no want to go there, Amazons either kill you or make you love slaves.� The guide shook his head in disgust. Foreigners were so dense.
*****
The Amazon village let out a collective gasp of shock as Shampoo fell from the battle log in a heap.
Worriedly, Ranma jumped down to check on her. When she didn�t move, he began to panic. �Is she alright? Oh, man, I didn�t mean to hit her that hard!�
>From out of the crowd emerged a short, ancient woman who hobbled on a stick. She rushed to Shampoo�s sign and placed her hand on her forehead. Ranma watched in amazement as the old woman�s hand started to glow bright blue.
The old woman turned to Ranma. �She will be fine, she was merely knocked unconscious. My great-granddaughter has suffered no permanent damage.�
Ranma wiped his brow. �Boy, that�s a relief.� His eyes shot up in surprise. �You speak Japanese?�
�Fluently. My granddaughter, unfortunately, speaks very little Japanese. Hopefully that will not prove to be too big a problem during the wedding.�
�Wedding? What wedding?�
Cologne smiled sardonically. �Why yours, of course.�
Genma interrupted. �I�m not sure I understand. My son is already eng-�
He was interrupted by the sound of Shampoo stirring back to consciousness. Several of the Amazon warriors helped her into a sitting position, where she sat for several minutes as she tried to regain her senses.
In broken Japanese, Shampoo asked, �Grandmother, did this foreigner beat Shampoo?�
Cologne nodded. �Yes, he did, Shampoo.�
Shampoo slowly got to her feet and walked towards Ranma. The pig-tailed martial artist tensed as she approached. Was she going to renew the attack?
Instead, Shampoo glomped onto Ranma and began kissing him. Ranma just stood there. He�d never kissed a girl before and wasn�t really sure what to do. His instincts did know, however.
Slowly, he began to respond to the kiss. First he placed his hands on Shampoo�s shoulders. Then, he moved his lips a little in response to Shampoo�s own mouth action. Finally, his hormones completely overwhelmed him and he pulled Shampoo in tight, wrapping his arms around her waist to begin a deep French kiss.
Genma began to panic. �Now see here, you can�t do this. My son is already engaged and he can�t be sleeping with some Amazo-� Genma was cut off in mid-stream as Cologne tapped a pressure point in his neck that caused the obese martial artist to collapse bonelessly to the ground, unconscious.
Cologne turned to the other Amazons and began barking orders in Chinese. �Take him to the cage and make sure he doesn�t get out until after my granddaughter and her new husband have consummated the wedding. And find Mousse and see to it he gets nowhere near the Honeymoon Hut. Do all this, now!�
The Amazons scrambled, some of them picking up Genma and hauling him to the area where prisoners were held. This went unnoticed by Ranma as he had completely lost himself in Shampoo�s embrace. His whole world had shattered and now all he knew was this woman, this kiss.
Shampoo finally broke the kiss and smiled as she saw that Ranma�s pants now bore witness to a full-on erection.
�Airen seem to enjoy kiss,� Shampoo said seductively.
�Uh, yeah. Yeah, I did.� Ranma looked quizzical. �What�s airen mean?�
�Shampoo tell tomorrow. For now, Shampoo want to show airen something, something she think airen will enjoy very much.� She took his hand and led him towards the �Honeymoon Hut.� Completely oblivious, Ranma followed without question.
*****
Two hours later.....
Ling-Ling and Lung-Lung smirked as they watched their prisoner, Genma Saotome, frantically try to pick the lock on his cage.
In Chinese, Ling-Ling said, �He can try all he likes, but he�ll never bust outta there.�
Lung-Lung nodded. �Obviously. If he wasn�t in such a hurry he�d notice it�s a Master Lock. Those things are damn near unbreakable.�
�Not that it would do him any good.� Ling-Ling pointed towards the Honeymoon Hut, where for the past few hours the entire village had bore witness to Ranma�s devirginizng.
It had taken nearly and hour-and-a-half for Shampoo to teach Ranma the basics of foreplay, and they were just now entering full-on sex.
�YES! GOD YES! THAT SO GOOD, AIREN! DO SOME MORE!�
Genma became even more frantic as he heard his son�s response. He had to stop this before...before....
�SHAMPOO! I...I CAN�T....AAAHHHHHHH!�
�AIREN!� Shampoo screamed as her own climax overtook her.
Genma dropped his lock pick. He was too late. Nodoka was going to kill him.
*****
Genma squinted at the morning light as he was awaked by the sound of someone opening the cage door. It was Cologne, he realized.
�You may leave now.�
�Where�s my son?� Genma demanded.
Cologne smirked. �Sleeping off last night�s wedding, of course.�
�Whaddya mean, wedding?� They both turned to see Ranma approaching them, wearing nothing but his boxers.�
�Yesterday, you asked my great-granddaughter what �airen� meant. It means husband.�
Ranma grew wide-eyed. �You mean...�
�Under Amazon Law,� Cologne explained, �when an Amazon warrior is defeated by a male outsider, she is obligated to marry that male.�
Genma paled, the engagement with the Tendos.
�So you mean I�m her husband?� Ranma asked.
�More like her breeding partner. Males have no rights here in the Amazons,� Cologne said.
Before Ranma could respond, he was glomped by Shampoo. �Oh airen, thank you for last night. Shampoo enjoy very much.�
Cologne smiled. �Congratulations Shampoo, your husband seems to be a strong male, especially considering the number of times he was able to achieve climax last night.�
�How�d you know about that?�
Genma face-faulted. �The whole town could here you, boy. You were quite loud.�
�Oh.�
Cologne moved next to Shampoo and touched her hand to her belly. Ranma watched as Cologne�s hand began to glow blue again.
�And now, my child, to see if you have become pregnant.� Cologne frowned after a moment.
�What wrong, grandmother? Isn�t Shampoo �with child?��
Cologne frowned. �No, you�re not.� She turned to Ranma and cupped his crotch in her hand.
�Hey, what the hell are ya� doin�?!!?�
�Be quiet boy, I have to concentrate for this one.� Cologne grimaced as her hand glowed again. Shaking her head in disgust, she turned to Genma.
�Your son is sterile.�
�Huh? What�s she mean, Pops?�
Now Genma sweatdropped. �She means, boy, you�re shooting blanks. You can never have children.�
�Oh, well that ain�t so bad, right? I never much liked kids anyways.�
�Oh, it is very bad indeed,� Cologne said.
�Great-grandmother, does this mean airen can no be father for Shampoo�s children?�
�I�m afraid not, child.� Cologne sighed. So close, she had been so close.
�Than this mean that Shampoo can give airen �Amazon Right of Divorce?��
�Yes, it does child.�
Shampoo smiled. �Good.� Turning to Ranma, she said. �You no good in bed anyways, stupid virgin. Shampoo fake all her orgasms last night.� With that, she grabbed Ranma and booted him into Low Earth Orbit. Genma soon followed.
�The Amazon Right of Divorce is now concluded,� Cologne said morosely.
*****
Later that evening....
The two Saotomes sat around their campfire, each lost in their own thoughts.
Ranma�s mind was in turmoil. Before yesterday, he�d never really given much thought to women. He could never figure them out and hadn�t really seen much need to.
But after last night, Shampoo had shown him the incredible pleasures that a woman could give to a man, and that a man could give back to a woman.
Regardless of whether Shampoo had been telling the truth when she said she had been faking it, Ranma was very eager to experience those pleasures with a woman again.
Genma, meanwhile, was depressed and confused. His son was sterile. He could never produce an offspring with a woman, a Tendo woman to be exact. Everything, the whole training trip, hell, even his birth, had been for the sole purpose of uniting the Tendo and Saotome Schools of Anything Goes Martial Arts. Now, that would never happen.
Oh, he supposed, Ranma and his wife could adopt. But the whole idea of the arranged marriage had been to unite both the schools and the genes of the Tendo and Saotome families. And an adopted child would not posses Ranma and his Tendo wife�s superior (at least in Genma�s mind) genetic traits that allowed them to practice such amazing martial arts.
Idly, he glanced at the postcard he had written the day before, announcing to Soun that he would be bringing Ranma back to Japan for the marriage. Sadly, he began to tear it up. When that was done, he began to write a new postcard that said:
�Tendo,
Hate to say this but the arranged marriage cannot go through. Will explain later.
Saotome Genma.�
�Um, Pops?�
�Yes, Ranma?�
�Uh, are we goin� anyplace else?�
Genma shook his head. �No, Ranma. The training trip is finished.�
�You mean....�
�Yes, Ranma. Tomorrow we�ll start our journey back to Japan, and home.� It would be good to finally see Nodoka again, Genma thought.
Ranma grinned. �An� I can see mom and Ranko again?�
�Of course Ranma.�
Ranma paused. �I�ll have to go back to school, won�t I?�
Genma nodded. �Of course.�
�Where will I go?�
�The same high school as your sister, boy.�
�But I thought Ranko was goin� to some all-girls school. I�m a guy, not a girl!�
�It used to be an all-girls school,� Genma explained. �but the other school in the area, Furinkan High, shut down last year due to lack of funds, so your sister�s school was forced to go coed to pick up the slack.�
Ranma sobered. �Oh. What�s the place called?�
�St. Hebereke, I think,� said Genma Saotome.
*****
Dear Reader: Greetings, my name is Rumiko Takahashi, the creator of the original Ranma 1/2 manga series. I have not had many chances to visit your country, but when I visited San Diego earlier this year to make an appearance at a local comic book convention, I noticed something at the airport bookstore. I saw a great many young girls in their early teens flipping through books with titles like �Sweet Valley High� and �The Bobsey Twins.�
My translator explained that these were referred to as �teen romance novels� and that they focused primarily on soap opera like romances in a high school setting. I was quite taken with this idea and contacted my very good friend Trish Ledoux at Viz USA about possibly starting a �teen romance� series based on Ranma 1/2.
Ms. Ledoux was herself keen on the idea and began the process of hiring American writers to write the series.
What you see here is the end product of that process. I must apologize for certain elements of lewdness, but Mr. Higley, the American author, assures me that it was necessary to �get the ball rolling.� As it is, I thank you all for purchasing this book, and hope you enjoy it.
Rumiko Takahashi
Nagoya, Aiichi 2000
Notes From W*ING Higley: You remember back in elementary school and jr. high how every couple of months there would be a book fair? And how all the girls in class would scream with delight as they grabbed the latest volumes of �Sweet Valley Twins� and �Nancy Drew Files?�
Yes, I thought so. I�m shuddering just thinking about it.
Now, one thing I�ve noticed, and one thing that not many people would like to admit to, especially folks like Taleswapper, is that a lot of Ranma 1/2 fics are really nothing more than teen romance novels with bad grammar and punctuation.
That, or their story is a rip-off of an �erotic teen horror� novel from Christopher Pike.
And that�s what this fic is, an attempt to parody the Ranma/teen romance hybrid that�s become the norm on this mailing list.
Stick around, I think you�ll enjoy it.
W*ING Higley
Kennebunkport, Maine 2000
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