'Ah, sweet relaxation,' Shinji thought to himself. 'No angels, no
father, no loud-mouthed German girl, just me, my
SDAT, Pen-Pen, and a complete set of Life Sized Electric EVA Pilot
Blow-Up Dolls (With fully removable plug-suits and head
spinning attachments that play Fly Me to The Moon)
## I'd like to buy a couple. Do they have those at www.jpop.com?
started to pound his eardrums as if they were bongos. Doing a remarkable
impression of Unit-00, he turned and started to
pound his head against the wall. When that didn't work, he tried the
doll, at least that felt better.
## At least he's sort of thinking rationally, in a weird sort of way...
Pen-pen looked up from where he was blowing up his Life Sized NERV
Operations Commander Doll (with Beer attachment
and choice of formal or black mini-skirt uniform) to raise an eyebrow
and go back to his blowing.
## *Cough* *cough* *choke*
The door to Shinji's room slammed open. His face a mask of terror,
Shinji turned to see who has just discovered his
private vice, was it Misato? Ritsuko? His father? Maya? Or could it even
be his mind whispered, Rei?
## Or could it even be, his mind whispered, Rei?
He screamed again, this
time in horror at what he saw. For there, on the other side of his room,
in the middle of the other side, away from
everything else on the other side, stood Asuka. Dressed in her
'therapeutic' red leather dominatrix suit that was high slit,
low cut, missing a lot of it, and what it did have was mostly stringy...
with kawaii puppy dog eyes and tears flowing down
her face. They flowed softly, gently, and, well, kawaiily. (SD Nene: Is
that even a word?)
## It's a cross between a Japanese word and an English suffix. So, no.
"Shinji!" She boo-hoo'd, "It's terrible! It's awful! It's the End Of The
World As We Know It! (SD NERV Staff: And we
feel fine!)"
## odd ReferEnce nuMber one...
She advanced on Shinji who backed up even farther into 'Rei', shaking
his head. "What shall we do Shinji? What
shall we do?" Asuka pleaded.
"WHAT?" Shinji bellowed.
## Might want to make that plain ol' ? a ?! just cause he's shouting a
question.
A look of annoyance crossed Asuka's face; she pulled the earphones off
Shinji, causing the boy to yelp in pain. "I
said, what shall we do, Baka-Shinji!" Then she stopped as she heard,
'Hello it's me again! It's been so nice talking to
myself' from the phones. "Oh, is that were I left my disc?"
## No no, you messed the lyrics up! Those two parts are several minutes
apart... and the wording's different... *starts slobbering and slavering
maniacally*
Shinji blinked, Pen-pen blinked, behind them 'Rei' blinked.
## Very anatomically correct.
"Come again, Asuka?" Shinji asked after a few minutes.
## ASUKA: Considering how it only took you a few minutes last time; no,
I don't think so.
"I said it's the END OF EVANGELION! (SD NERV Staff: And we are
confused!)"
## Even after finishing the fic, I am too.....
"I'm sorry," Shinji immediately said, thus once again displaying the
'take charge' kind of action that he was famous
for.
## At least this part isn't OOC.
"IT YOU BAKA!"
## "IT YOU, BAKA!"
Asuka blinked, "Ano... Who's turn is it now?
"I don't know! (SD Washu and Skuld: Third base!)"
## Forgot the " at the end of the first sentance, and I'm not sure who's
talking in the second one. Shinji?
Shinji and Asuka both blinked. Silence, except for the frenzied
puff-puffs of Pen-pen's blowing descended on the
room.
## Jeez, how long has he been at it? Must be his first time...
Finally, slowly and with great clarity, Asuka spoke, "The end of the
world has come. Someone has been going through
Tokyo-3 and stealing our most important treasures."
## HAPPOSAI: Eee, hee hee heee...
Shinji's eyes grew wide with fear; his face was a rictus of horror,
"Y.y.you mean that they actually..."
## A rictus is an open mouth, or a grimace, which I think you mean here,
so it might be more clear to replace it with grimace.
And, when he's stuttering, it should be something like "Y-y-you" or, for
a slightly different effect. "Y... y... you"
Shinji gulped and continued, "They took... They actually took"
## They actually took..."
"They took my father's glasses?"
## Ha! Heh heh. Good one.
Shinji looked at her blankly; someone had forgotten to draw in his eyes.
(SD JG: CUT! Redo it, and someone give the
kid back his eyes!)
## This is a fanfic! No drawing is required! Oh well, it's all in fun...
Shinji looked at her blankly, "Which other greatest treasure are we
talking about Asuka?"
## talking about, Asuka?"
Asuka sighed with longing as she thought about it, "Just the most
wonderful thing in Japan."
## You might want to make her actions and statements two seperate
sentances, or else it's a run-on.
She turned her usual
glare at Shinji, "Come on, Third Children, I'll show you."
## Wouldn't that be "Third Child" since there is only one, and not
several, Shinjis?
Dragging Shinji by the ear, she plopped him down in front of the TV and
with a flick of her whip, turned the set on.
On it, a cute Japanese girl with a face that was almost cat like and
brown hair was announcing the news.
## almost cat-like
Kenusuke, standing at attention barked out,
## at attention, barked out,
The reporter sweat dropped, so did everyone else in Tokyo-3.
## I think "sweat dropped (which might be one word, or connected by a
hyphen), AS did everyone else" would work better.
The girl quickly recovered her composure, "The super secret NERV
organization that is run by the UN and we're not
supposed to know about had this to say."
## The verb in her actions doesn't have anything to do with speaking, so
they should be seperate.
The screen cut to a news conference in the GeoFront. Standing behind a
podium with the NERV logo on it, in front of
a banner with the NERV logo on it, reading from notes stamped with NERV
logos, and wearing a NERV uniform with NERV logos
sewed on, Lieutenant Maya was reading the following statement. "NERV,
which we can neither confirm or deny the existence of,
cannot comment at this time of the thefts, but promises any and all
cooperation, that it may or may not have, to the local
authorities, assuming an Angel, which we are still not commenting on the
existence thereof, attacks."
## Loved this speech!
"You're upset because someone is stealing Sailor Moon stuff?"
## I'd give them an award, myself.
As he passed Asuka, he shrugged once, "It's just Sailor Moon after all."
## Again, the verbs in his actions don't have anything to do with
speaking, so they should be separated, or add a verb that shows he's
speaking (said, shouted, mumbled, ect.) instead of something like
"shrugged." and
"It's just Sailor Moon, after all."
"Just Sailor Moon?" Asuka asked from between firmly ground teeth.
"Well yeah, it's just one of those silly shoujo things." Shinji started
down the short fall to his room, not hearing
Asuka's low growl, nor the whistle of her whip.
## I thought they made more of a cracking sound, myself...
"But the Terror was not supposed to have appeared till after the 28th
Angel," that was SEELE04
## Forgot a period at the end.
"Correct," SEELE03 this time, "The fact that it has struck now is
completely against all our scenarios. Ikari, what
is going on?"
## Again, the verb not matching the speech. I won't mention these
anymore, just be sure to fix them.
"Hit Ikari, he's stuck again."
## Heh.
The jury was still out on that one... with massive heartburn. (SD
Everyone: 'GROAN!')
## No kidding... :)
Securing his climbing gear, once again silently thanking Kaji for giving
him lessons on how to escape a bedroom when
those who would terminate your existence lurked nearby, he opened his
window and with a fearful look backwards (which didn't
turn him into a pillar of salt),
## Now WHO the heck is gonna get that? I'm surprised enough that I get
it.
Which turned out to be really soft, kinda bouncy, and, given this is not
only an anime but also one done by Gainax,
went 'boink' when Shinji ran face first into them.
## Since the noun you're talking about is "destiny," and not "breasts,"
I suggest you change that last "them" to "it."
Shinji froze again,
he knew who this was.
## again; he knew
One, because it wasn't latex
that he ran into, and two, only Kaji's melons were bigger.
## Bleah.
Besides, only
one person in Tokyo3 had breath that smelled like a
freshly open can of beer.
## Oh c'mon, more than ONE person in the entire city HAS to drink beer.
Shinji gulped, "Uh, sorry, Misato-san," he tried.
Misato grinned, "That's ok Shinji. You're a growing boy after all."
## "That's okay, Shinji." (Just spell it out, it looks better. And
don't forget the comma. You should always put one right before a
characters name if it is at the end of the sentance, as long as the
person speaking is talking to the person being named. i.e. "That is
spring of drowned fanfic writer, Mr. Customer." or "I'm gonna kill you,
pops!" or "You suck at your job, Mr. Jusenkyo Guide." (not you, the
actual guide.)
Shinji smiled weakly, he was willing to put up with teasing if he could
just manage to get away from here.
## Run-on.
"Y.yes, I
guess."
## The stuttering thing again.
'Ut-oh, got to think fast, I have to run away.'
## 'Uh-oh,
"Nope, not after that grope. Sorry Shinji, good
try though."
## Grope of who?
Misato reached around Shinji and pressed stop on his SDAT that had
started playing when Shinji had backed into the
wall. (SD JG: "What? I like Queen.)
## Heh. Me too.
"Nope, now turn around and march
into the kitchen young man. You are going to be eating
with us tonight!"
## kitchen, young man
As Misato started to repel down the side of the building to the walkway
she stopped and looked back at Shinji, "And
trying to choke your self won't work either!"
## walkway, she stopped
"Don't worry, dinner's almost dea... I mean ready!"
## Heh.
"Are you pondering what I'm pondering?" Kaji asked?
## period at the end instead of question mark.
"I? Ikari has me tracking down the thief who is stealing all the Sailor
Moon items. Like Ritsu's Mars fuku."
## "Me? Ikari has
"Heel!"
"Yes mistress," Shinji sighed.
## Heh.
"Heel!"
"Yes, Ma'am." Kaji said quickly.
## Bwa ha ha!
Asuka planted the tracer into one of her precious sailor plushies.
Crying all the while. "I'm sorry, Rei-chan, but
it's the only way!" she wailed.
## I suggest that you might wanna change the name of the senshi here,
since there is a "Rei" in this series too, and it causes the reader to
stumble for a brief half-second.
Asuka was crouched in Shinji's room, with the
said occupant of the room lying bound and gagged, concentrating on the
tracker she held in her hands.
## Why is he bound and gagged?
have the graveyard shift, the casual mugger and grave robber, an Angel
that NERV had missed, and some poor boy who kept on
asking directions to a dojo.
## Weird reference number... oh, who knows.
Shinji looked around, "I think Rei lives near here." He noted.
## near here," he noted
"Away from you and in her arms," Shinji almost said, but realized that
he didn't have a spine and saying that would
be wildly out of character for him. (SD Skuld: Like this whole story
isn't?)
## Good point, Skuld-chan.
As one bounced over to Shinji's foot, he picked it up, it was
Sailor Pluto.
## it up; it was
"Of course not! It's stupid, and childish, and Usagi's voice makes me
want to puke!"
## Go Shinji!
"Nooooo, I don't want to be brainwashed into being a moonie. Someone
help!" he begged desperately.
## I suggest you make the "Nooooo" into a "NOOOOO" and put an
exclamation point at the end, or else it sounds like he isn't very
enthusiastic about escaping.
"But this is for your own good. Until you worship at the Church of
Serenity, we will not
be a real person."
## we?
the same poses at the same time, the two exclaimed, "Tsuki ni kawatte
oshioki yo!"
## Eh?
The pressed 'Play' on the VCR.
## They
2 hours later, NERV security picked up the Third Children's scream
coming from the First Children's apartment.
"Lovely!"
## I first got the image that this was Shinji saying "Lovely!" But, he
can't become a Moonie in only two hours, so that leaves....who?
The End.
## Phew! Too much Eva weirdness at once...
Author's squawk box.
## Reader's squawk box.
Pretty funny, and goofy, and weird, and hopefully not plausible. I like
just about anything with enough weird references in it that I can catch,
so that's one thumbs up. You had a few grammar errors, but I pointed
them all out. Good work!
Leif Johnson
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