On Thu, 9 Nov 2000 SkyeFire@aol.com wrote:
In a message dated 11/8/00 3:29:06 PM Eastern Standard Time,
s2mlmill@titan.vcu.edu writes:
Eclipse of the Moon 2: Purification Day
Chapter 6
Otherwise known as "The Senshi and their Pet Punisher vs The
Terminator(s)!
"Or how I learned to stop worrying and love my gun."
What has gone before: Violence, sarcasm, and girls in short skirts,
everything that makes life fun.
Ahhhh, yes. I know *I've* been having fun -- has it been good for you?
<sniP>
I had more fun than I thought legally possible. Glad to know we're both in
a great state.
The setup seems almost a bit too long -- accurrate, but unless you're
setting up something for later, perhaps a bit oversized for the payoff.
It was some of the infrequent pure character development scenes. I really
like the characters of the Senshi and in a fic like this, I rarelly can go
into it. This seemed the perfect bit to get into their minds.
In short, three wanna-be-bullies ran like hell, crying
for their mothers as Makoto snorted in disgust. "Sheesh.
The nerve. Picking on a little kid like that for just
seventy five yen. Not even greed, just being nasty."
"Look, I understand violence. But *stupid* violence just offends me."
Insults and injuries and all that.
> haking her head in disgust, she reached down and assisted
a small child, some eight years of age, to his feet. "Are
you all right?"
"Yeah. I coulda taken 'em though." The boy, abashed at
his bleeding lip and nose, stared at the ground sullenly as
he tried to dig a hole in the sand with his shoe toe.
Ranma, right? No, wait, Ranma would have *actually* taken them.
Never mind.
A altaverse Ranma cameo with a different personality? Maybe.
"I'm sure you could have. I apologize for
interrupting. Let's just say I was not protecting you, I
was just having a disagreement with those three boys."
Makoto, trying desperately not to laugh, bowed to the young
man.
Heh. Mako-chan really *does*strike one as someone who'd be
really good with kids, doesn't she?
I can barely imagine her not.
"Yeah. But, man, now everyone's gonna say I'm such a
wimp. I needed a girl to fight for me, not the other way
around." Flushing in response to the expected slights, the
boy shrank a little farther back into himself and licked
the blood from his mouth and lips.
Would it help if you knew she can bench-press Buicks, kiddo? And quit
that with the blood -- this isn't a Vampire Princess Miyu fic, you know!
Atleast its not Usagi. How bad would being defended by the biggest crybaby
in the disrict be?
Makoto forced herself not to laugh again. It was
becoming a very difficult struggle, certainly much harder
than smacking a few kids four years younger then her once
or twice. They had thought themselves very tough and
strong, able to resist anything. That had ended when
someone actually told them forcefully enough to stop. "You
know, I don't see anyone around at this park. You could
just say I was just watching."
You used "Just" twice in that sentence. Maybe "...just say I was only
watching."
Good point. I'll do something.
The child looked up excited. "Really? That would be---
oh wait. What about them?" The boy indicated four girls
standing not fifty feet away and smiling among themselves.
I'm actually a bit surprised Usagi didn't stick an oar in, here. Then
again, since Makoto seemed to have it all under control, I suppose
she probably *would* have stayed out of it.
The Senshi rely on and trust each other a lot. Maybe Makoto asked them off
camera to stay out of it and maybe they just knew this was her areaof
expertise, not thiers. Not much a difference if you think about it.
"I can assure you they won't say a word. Now run home,
you probably want to have that lip looked at."
The young man smiled once more, even wider than
before, and darted off, already beginning to swagger as he
decided how to tell his friends of his glorious victory.
With spring in his step, he disappeared around a corner and
was gone.
And, thanks to Makoto's sop to his ego, narrowly avoided
an appointment with his mother's katana for not being a
"man among men" -- no, wait, that *wasn't* Ranma. <Beats
head against convenient wall>. NOT the Ranma, NOT the Ranma...
Shall I revise it to add apigtail? It would be no trouble.
Makoto finally lost her battle of will and collapsed
into hilarity. A moment later, the four girls previously in
question made their ways over and joined her.
Surprisingly diplomatic of Mako-chan. But as noted above,
she really does seem to be good with kids. I imagine, years from
now, all the neighborhood kids will call her "Auntie Makoto," and
linger oh-so-pitifully around her house on Baking Day...
Like Kasumi, only more likely to beat some sense into you than serve tea
at times.
"You know, you could have stopped it another way,"
Rei, arraigned in white and red, scolded from smiling lips.
Ummm....I *think* that should be "arrayed," not "Arraigned"
-- the latter is part of being brought to trial for a crime. Although
since I don't have my dictionary present, there may be an
alternate meaning I'm not aware of.
I know arreignment, or something phonetically either identical or REALLY
damn close, means clothing. I'll look it up.
"Scolded from smiling lips" -- now that was *nice.*
She felt it was obligatory. And thanks for liking it.
"Nah. They would have just jumped him the next day.
Besides, I didn't actually hurt them, just bopped 'em on
the heads one." Makoto had felt that a suggestion of
further pain to come would work far better as a deterrent
against future bullying than intimidation without backup.
Very astute. A little painful head-bopping would definitely
make a stronger impression. Although if she didn't back it up
with Dire Threats of more to come if they continued their bullying
behavior, they might jump the kid even worse when they're sure
his "guardian angel" isn't around.
Nothing was ever said about what Makoto did other than smack them once or
twice. Having left that for the reader to fighure out, I would be willing
to say that is certainly a very possible event.
Besides, I have a "All bullies should be shot" policy anyways.
Bitter? Me? Naaahhhhh....
I never hadthat problem till my little brother had a problem with one.
Then, well, I was nineteen and the little bastard was eight. I will add I
didn't need to even do anything.
> he other girls were not quick to respond.
"A bop in the head is worth two in the bush," Mina
said brightly. But the author, the audience, and her friends
wisely ignored this comment....
I've always liked getting my head bopped quite a bit, but I am also one
who appreciated bopping the...nevermind.
They proceeded along their walk, no destination in
mind, and it was not long before they found themselves
meandering through a public park. Given the season, the
trees were not in bloom, but the muted greens gave the
whole area a subdued look. Occasionally smaller children
would dart back forth through the foliage, locked in a game
governed by malleable and independent rules. The five
Senshi walked on.
What season? The "muted greens" comment makes
it sound like early spring, although mid-fall might also fit
the bill. Downright lovely description, though.
Early spring. Thanks. ^_^
"I think you're wrong about that last one," with a bit
of a frown across her face, Minako criticized Usagi. "A
true friend would not have a problem laughing at you if you
trip, but she'd be the first to help you up." She had
decided that morning that this was definitely a day for
contrast and was wearing a blue and gray top with black
pants. Her hair, unbound as usual, cascaded across her
back, making her face, hair, and hands appear brighter. The
moon hanging from her right ear and sun from her left kept
with the image.
Must be the week for visual descriptions. Nice imagery. One quibble:
her "hair, unbound" made her "face, HAIR, and hands appear brighter." The
second mention of her hair seems a bit off, though not jarringly so. Maybe
"...making it, her hands, and her face..."
I agree completely on the hair thing. As for the added secriptions, I'm
trying to improve my writing technique. REsponses seem to be largely
positive.
"No true friend of mine would be laughing at me when
I'm hurt." Usagi shot the other blonde a dubious look.
Behind her Rei, Ami, and Makoto exchanged a glance and
whistled innocently.
And promptly took up (in order) "Speak No Evil, See No
Evil, and Hear No Evil" poses. Usagi and Minako noticed and
clapped their hands in unison. "Oooh! Charades! Goody!"
Exactly.
"I'm not saying when you're really injured. I'm saying
when its just a bump." Rubbing a hand over her eyes, Minako
shook her head.
"I only laugh at your pain and humiliation when it's
*funny.* Really!"
I've said it before and I'll say it again. A True friend is the guy who's
laughing so hard he has to dial 911 twice.
As the two debaters continued, the three who were
walking a bit behind settled into a companionable stride.
They did not have any particular desire to enter into the
other discussion though not for any real reason.
That paragraph just seems a bit awkward. I'm not sure
how I'd suggest fixing it, though.
I don't really get that feeling. Looked and loks all right to me.
As the
ground passed slowly under their feet, they relished the
sense of peace and order which profused their surroundings.
This was a day that in recent events had been all too
uncommon.
Do you mean "a KIND of day"?
Technically, you're right. But this is somewhat informal relation of
thoughts so I'm not sure.
"Hey, Ami. Guess who I see over there." Rei nudged the
object of her address and pointed well to her left. Leaning
around her, Ami took a look.
Lying on his back, one hand attending to a kite string
rising from his side, Mitoru Ryan was nodding in and out of
the world of the waking. A small form, no more than six
years of age, was quietly moving an assemblage of miniature
cars and trucks around on mat a few feet away. At the open
invitation of her friends, Ami redirected her s
e was
wearing, making sure everything was as it should be. It
was.
Ummm...I think something got lost there.
Oh yeah. My server took a bite out. If I can I'll either post a revised
edition or have someone else do it. Its bloody infuriating.
"Feeling fine. It's a beautiful day." Turning, he
addressed his charge. "If you hit me with that one more
time, no ice cream."
And there seems to be some missing exposition before
this line. Who was he responding to?
His little brother hit him with a truck. That all got lost.
Inspired by thoughts of ice cream, Usagi abruptly
returned her attention to what was going on. She smiled at
Ryan for a moment before suggesting a few of them might
want to sally forth to the vendor of aforesaid snacks who
had set up shop not two hundred yards away. A half minute
later, Ami and Ryan were alone as the other had decided to
accept Usagi's wisdom.
The otherS, I think. Is it just me, or is there some kind of Senshi
conspiracy to jumpstart Ami's love life? Heh heh heh....
Yes and ye- maybe respectively.
"I'm surprised you're not studying. Did you not intend
to this weekend?" asked Ami as she idly picked blades of
grass from the ground and began to weave them.
"Did you not..."? That seems a bit over-formal, even for Ami.
Agreed.
"Sure, I intended too. As I recall, you did too."
She smiled for a second, shrugged and poked her tongue
out at him. Ryan smiled and returned to his prone position.
Ami sighed and sat down near his head.
Wow. For Ami, this is awfully forward. She must be *really*
comfortable with this guy.
Eh, she sticks her tounge out in the intro to Supers. She also does a
couple other things over those arcs of similar nature. She's making an
effort but she does have a very deffinate side of her that leans to this.
The ten minutes of peaceful talking, bordering at
moments on verbiage which some might even consider
'flirting,' was something that both parties involved
understood to be doomed to an early ending. The ending was
not absent in its due time, as the others returned bearing
the fruits of their venture.
I might suggest "conversation" instead of "talking." And
perhaps drop "verbiage" and just go for "...bordering on what some
might consider flirting..."
And maybe "That ending..." instead of "The ending..."
I'll do the first and last, I like the verbiage though.
"I still say that a true friend isn't someone who'd
help you do something wrong. She'd look out for you and do
what's best, no matter what." Usagi was still pursuing the
previous topic, undeterred.
"No, a GOOD friend will help you hide the body. A 'regular'
friend will just help you commit tax fraud."
A true friend is the one who takes care of the body, as in, changes it
from a person to a body.
"No. If you really needed to do something, a friend
would be someone whom could be trusted. Someone to be
relied on," Minako countered.
"You're both wrong. A true friend is the guy banned
from your ICU for smuggling you a pack of cigarettes and
hitting on the nurse as a distraction while you light up."
<all together now>: CYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!
Much as I may dislike him in general, the bizarre flair I get to use when
writing him has always been immensely enjoyable. I also think its somewhat
distinctive.
BTW: Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
PS: Was this friend anybody we know? Or might meet?
Maybe. probably not.
> s poetic and personable as ever, a man in black joined
them. "Now hurry up, I saw the big guy over- Who are you?"
Cyanide stared down at Ryan and his little brother, just
noticing their presence.
"Cyanide!" Ami, flushing bright red, admonished.
<facepalm> Ami-Chaaannn, when Cyanide shows up and
says there's trouble, you *don't* take issue with his manners --
you RUN!
Yeah. You can do something abuot avoiding trouble, his manners are a lost
cause.
"This is Mitoru Ryan and his little brother, Katsi.
This is, uh, Cyan. He's a friend of ours." Makoto dove into
the pause that followed.
Cyan. <giggle> Oh, my poor Makoto...
Well, mostpeople don't name their children after extremely powerful
poisons. Besides, she was under streess.
"Are they in the know?" Cyanide asked Minako.
Slightly flushed at both being put on the spot and
Cyanide's incredible lack of politeness, she shook her head
negative.
<eyerool> Gooood way to maintain the ol' secret IDs,
Cy.
Wonderful forethought, eh?
"You know, I am here. You can address me with your
questions."
Cyanide made a raspberry noise and waved his hand in
Ryan's face dismissively. "Whatever. Now come on. I just
saw Big and Nasty, and we'd best get away now."
Yep, that's the Cyanide we all know and love. Do they offer
Dale Carnegie courses in Japan?
Keep that in mind in future chapters. There just may be something vaguely
related to that coming up.
"Excuse me?" Ryan was quite simply shocked. He'd never
personally encountered a level of rudeness like this
before. Looking around at the bright red faces of the
girls, he noticed they were also quite upset at this
tactlessness.
"Why are you still here? Go away and bring the runt
with you before all hell breaks loose. Girls, come on."
Cyanide turned and motioned them to follow him.
Should be "...go away and take..." rather than
"...go away and bring...", I think. "Bring" suggests that Ryan
would be coming with them.
Mmokay.
Ryan rose to his feet, indignation and insult mixing
in his eyes. He took a position immediately before the
trenchcoated man and retorted, "Excuse you, you ill
mannered buffoon! Would you--graa!" His tirade was abruptly
cut short as a gloved hand caught him on the side and
forcibly hurled him to the ground. He rolled to his back
and looked up as the sound of small arms fire detonated
through the air. The girls scattered.
Saved by the automatic fire...or from. And it's nice to see that
the girls have developed good duck&cover reflexes.
Thats actually one of my big points in this. The Girls have realised that
this fight isn't love vs hate or good vs evil, its life vs death. Strength
of commitment and heart is now secondary to effectiveness in defending
those ideals. An observant reader may notice subtle shifts in their
personalities in this direction in the future and past chapters.
Striding through the park, one hand already
unlimbering an assault rifle from a duffel bag, a tall and
ominous figure approached them. Foreign features and cold,
impassive eyes decorated the head, the only section of skin
visible under the leather jacket and pants. It had studded
leather gloves on its hands. Recognition was instant for
those who knew.
Cue music: Limp Bizket's tune from "Mission
Impossible 2"
That does fit. Perhaps I'll write a spammy songfic about this series some
day.
At that moment, Pyrite made his presence known through
a little fire magic. It hit the T-101 and knocked him from
his feet.
So where's *he* been hiding out, I wonder?
Why, that would be telling.
Leaping to his side, Ami hurriedly instructed, "Ryan,
you should definitely-"
"Run, you stupid fuck!" Cyanide deposited Katsi into
his brother's hands and violently shoved them away. He then
returned his attention to the developing fire fight.
Ryan had just enough time to exchange one panicked glance
with Ami before curling his body around his little brother
and fleeing.
Cy finishing Ami's sentence: Cute. Heh. Nice to see Cy's
on the ball and being protective, too. And Ryan shows a pretty
decent head on his shoulders, too -- too many people would
freeze up in that kind of situation.
Unintentionally finishing a sentence, admittadly, but I think he says
something a wee bit different from what Ami intended. Cy's usually on the
ball, he's just a <insert 12 page list of negative adjectives here> at the
same time.
The Senshi looked around. Everyone in sight either
already knew or was running like hell. Wasting no further
time, they transformed.
Unfortunately, the reporters were running like hell *towards*
them, and had their cameras rolling. But it all turned out okay,
because Cyanide shot the cameras with incendiary bullets.
Sad part is he would too. He's a boy who doesn't look for the complex
solutions first.
As sparkling lights danced through the air and bizarre
music emanated from the earth around them, each of the
girls rose into the air. Denuded and reclad, their forms
spun gently in the air as they collected the power of their
respective planets. Moving sigils of eldritch magicks and
echoing glimpses of places too ethereal to exist danced
through the air, omens and portents of that which was being
unleashed. The backlash of such arcane might created a haze
and fields of polychromatic insanity. It also had the
unfortunate effect of sending Cyanide into an acid
flashback, thus eliminating him from the events that
followed. Well, some people considered it unfortunate.
Well, *I* would -- he's the only hero there with
Big Guns.
He doesn' have that bit of charm.
Although I thought that Heroin was Cy's problem --
I don't recall any mention of his having experience with LSD...
Cyanide was exiled for heroin usage and other problems relating there too.
In actuality, he didn't really care what drug he was on, he just wanted
to be high. Think of it. Would underage smoking cigarettes really matter
compared to the serious drugs? Also, I've dropped a hint or two that not
all of his violent tendencies came to light on Nemesis.
Cyanide: "Well, y'see, Meatballz-for-Brainz over there
accidentally brought back Jerry Garcia when she revived the
world after the Deep Freeze. He decided to put together a
new band called the Ungrateful Resurrected, and I got a job
as a roadie for a year...or was it two?"
Now thats a spamfic that just needs to be written.
"Mars Flame Sniper!" Mars had recalled from her prior
battles with this thing that flame, while ineffective
against the armored innards, was capable of burning the
false skin from its exterior. Knowing that with its ability
to camouflage itself as normal human compromised the
machine would pose less of a threat, Mars attempted to burn
the psuedoflesh away. She was unsuccessful but did manage
to temporarily incapacite its vision as the flames caused
the clothing it wore to combust. Engulfed in a crimson
pyre, it continued to fire randomly.
I'd suggest rearanging the camouflage sentence.
Maybe something like "Knowing the machine would pose
less of a threat with its camouflage compromised, Mars...."
I'll move a few words around and add a comma, but I'm hesitant to change
the sentence that much. I want the reasons for her action clear so I can
draw some contrasts later.
Diving to his side, Pyrite was able to hit the ground
before a bust of nine millimeter rounds passed through the
space he had just recently occupied. Lying down while
waiting for his adversary to either run out of munitions or
cease its haphazard barrage of small arms fire, Pyrite
found himself next to Jupiter, similarly seeking refuge on
the ground. He spared a glance at her.
"So, ah, what are you doing later?"
You're not the first one who's drawn attention to this. I wonder if theres
anything to it?
Suggestion: swap "ammunition" for "munitions."
I liked munitions. Its uncommon and does fit.
She met his eyes and held his gaze for a moment. It
might have been longer save the arrival of Moon. She landed
from an impressive leap directly between them and curled to
her knees. As she pulled her head down, a tree exploded not
thirty yards away. Flaming wreckage and splinters of what
had once been a mighty sylvan giant fell to the earth all
around them. The machine continued to fire, undeterred.
<blink> Who blew the tree up? Small-arms fire won't do
that -- despite what Hollywood shows, trees don't have gas tanks.
The T-101 shot it with a grenade, he's got a few of those too, and we're
operating under hollywood law. What would an Arnold reference
be without wildly unlikely explosions?
"Come on! Venus and Mercury are waiting by that
fountain. There are too many people around here, so we're
going to try to lead it away. Ready?"
"Sure. Say when." Makoto pulled herself up into a
runners crouch and peaked around, pinpointing where their
adversary was. It was not a difficult task. The immense
individual was striding slowly towards them, unceasingly
firing at any target which presented itself and a few that
did not. As it came closer, the three tightened themselves.
Runner's crouch -- missing apostrophe.
"peaked around" what?
There was a clause in there that was a victim of an editing mistake. I'll
put it back.
"Tightened themselves" strikes me as awkward.
Maybe "coiled to spring"? Or "prepared to sprint"?
Really? It sounded better to me. Let me try it out and see what I like.
And Cyanide, still seeing things that were both not
there and probably better for it, stumbled directly into
its path. It took only a moment for him to be targeted
through the flames that encased the assailant.
Jerry Garcia: "Bummer, dude. He was a really good
roadie, too...when he straight. When he was stoned, we
used him as a replacement drummer. Got great reviews..."
He did these paradidles that never quite seemed to stay the same. I always
told him that he was missing his true calling.
'Yes!' Pyrite resisted the urge to leap into the air
and pump his fist. He considered it to probably be
unpolitic.
Oh, yeah, that's Pyrite, all right. Jerk.
They don't like each other. Maybe I'm being to subtle...
Suggest: "He suspected the Senshi would consider it
impolitic, at best."
or downright suspicious at worst. Yep. I'll modify.
"No!" Moon's attention and intent instantly changed.
Suggest: Changed instantly.
I don't really see the effect of that difference but okay.
> he was up and running in a heartbeat as Mercury funneled
her considerable occult aptitude into covering the area
with a dense cloud of azure mist. The terminator,
registering and correctly analyzing the sounds of Moon's
footfalls, turned and took aim.
Ami: "The bad news is, the fire that was blinding him
is out. The good news is, he's still just as blind as he was."
Mina: "But can't he aim by sound, like a bat?"
Ami: "D'oh!"
Thats the really bad news.
Pyrite unleashed some lightening. As the amperage
coiled and wove around the machine, Moon grabbed the
insensate gunman and started running. Jupiter reinforced
their attacker's incapacitation with her own magic and
followed her leader. Pyrite, deeply regretting the probable
survival of Cyanide, muttered to himself and went after the
others.
Lightning (sp). Aside from that, a very nice paragraph.
okey dokie and thanks again, respectively.
Within moments, the park was empty.
Nice. This chapter seems very different from the
precedding ones, so far. The humor is still there, but
much more sutble and understated. Several slapstick
opportunities are left ungrabbed, in favor of a serious
fight scene.
This is more in flavor, comedy wise, with the preceding chapters and I
think I'll slide a little farther back towards them.
The girls really do seem to be getting a
good handle on this -- their reactions are faster and
better than before.
They're learning and changing. If they survive this I'll probably write a
few quick outakes about how their changes affect the latter parts of the
original series.
And Cyanide, of course, is still the
universe's designated whipping boy. Heh.
Just because the author can't stand him and would deeply like to write his
gory death doesn't mean his universe is out to get him. Don't answer that.
Also, lots more visual descriptions than I recall in
previous chapters. Very *nice* visual descriptions, too.
The effect of Mina's hair and outfit were particularly vivid
-- I don't think I've seen her described quite that way before.
Again, I'm trying to improve a couple parts of my style that I can easily
see the holes in. As for Mina, that was pure authors mental picture
finding itself typed.
Cyan. Heh. Oh, but I can see some humor mileage
coming on THAT one.....
It may come back here or there, provided I can think of something I find
amusing.
I'm glad this chapter seems to work for you. Its something of a transition
but I'm happy with it. Thanks for the reply!
--
David McMillan, Imagineer at Large.
Miashara
-Freelance bum
Yes, its a reference.