Subject: [FFML] C&C [Smoon Xover]Purification Day 6
From: SkyeFire@aol.com
Date: 11/9/2000, 10:51 PM
To: s2mlmill@titan.vcu.edu, ffml@fanfic.com



In a message dated 11/8/00 3:29:06 PM Eastern Standard Time, 

s2mlmill@titan.vcu.edu writes:





Eclipse of the Moon 2: Purification Day

Chapter 6





       Otherwise known as "The Senshi and their Pet Punisher vs The 

Terminator(s)!



What has gone before: Violence, sarcasm, and girls in short skirts,

everything that makes life fun.



       Ahhhh, yes.  I know *I've* been having fun -- has it been good for you?

<sniP>

       The setup seems almost a bit too long -- accurrate, but unless you're 

setting up something for later, perhaps a bit oversized for the payoff.



    In short, three wanna-be-bullies ran like hell, crying 

for their mothers as Makoto snorted in disgust. "Sheesh. 

The nerve. Picking on a little kid like that for just 

seventy five yen. Not even greed, just being nasty." 





       "Look, I understand violence.  But *stupid* violence just offends me."



       > haking her head in disgust, she reached down and assisted 

a small child, some eight years of age, to his feet. "Are 

you all right?"

    "Yeah. I coulda taken 'em though." The boy, abashed at 

his bleeding lip and nose, stared at the ground sullenly as 

he tried to dig a hole in the sand with his shoe toe. 



       Ranma, right?  No, wait, Ranma would have *actually* taken them.  

Never mind.



    "I'm sure you could have. I apologize for 

interrupting. Let's just say I was not protecting you, I 

was just having a disagreement with those three boys." 

Makoto, trying desperately not to laugh, bowed to the young 

man.





       Heh. Mako-chan really *does*strike one as someone who'd be

       really good with kids,  doesn't she?



    "Yeah. But, man, now everyone's gonna say I'm such a 

wimp. I needed a girl to fight for me, not the other way 

around." Flushing in response to the expected slights, the 

boy shrank a little farther back into himself and licked 

the blood from his mouth and lips.





       Would it help if you knew she can bench-press Buicks, kiddo?  And quit 

that with the blood -- this isn't a Vampire Princess Miyu fic, you know!  



    Makoto forced herself not to laugh again. It was 

becoming a very difficult struggle, certainly much harder 

than smacking a few kids four years younger then her once 

or twice. They had thought themselves very tough and 

strong, able to resist anything. That had ended when 

someone actually told them forcefully enough to stop. "You 

know, I don't see anyone around at this park. You could 

just say I was just watching."





       You used "Just" twice in that sentence.  Maybe "...just say I was only 

watching."



    The child looked up excited. "Really? That would be---

oh wait. What about them?" The boy indicated four girls 

standing not fifty feet away and smiling among themselves.





       I'm actually a bit surprised Usagi didn't stick an oar in, here.  Then 

again, since Makoto seemed to have it all under control, I suppose 

she probably *would* have stayed out of it.  



    "I can assure you they won't say a word. Now run home, 

you probably want to have that lip looked at." 



    The young man smiled once more, even wider than 

before, and darted off, already beginning to swagger as he 

decided how to tell his friends of his glorious victory. 

With spring in his step, he disappeared around a corner and 

was gone.





       And, thanks to Makoto's sop to his ego, narrowly avoided 

an appointment with his mother's katana for not being a 

"man among men" -- no, wait, that *wasn't* Ranma.  <Beats 

head against convenient wall>.  NOT the Ranma, NOT the Ranma...



    Makoto finally lost her battle of will and collapsed 

into hilarity. A moment later, the four girls previously in 

question made their ways over and joined her.





       Surprisingly diplomatic of Mako-chan.  But as noted above, 

she really does seem to be good with kids.  I imagine, years from

now, all the neighborhood kids will call her "Auntie Makoto," and

linger oh-so-pitifully around her house on Baking Day...



    "You know, you could have stopped it another way," 

Rei, arraigned in white and red, scolded from smiling lips. 





       Ummm....I *think* that should be "arrayed," not "Arraigned" 

-- the latter is part of being brought to trial for a crime.  Although

since I don't have my dictionary present, there may be an

alternate meaning I'm not aware of.  

       "Scolded from smiling lips" -- now that was *nice.*



    "Nah. They would have just jumped him the next day. 

Besides, I didn't actually hurt them, just bopped 'em on 

the heads one." Makoto had felt that a suggestion of 

further pain to come would work far better as a deterrent 

against future bullying than intimidation without backup. 





       Very astute.  A little painful head-bopping would definitely 

make a stronger impression.  Although if she didn't back it up 

with Dire Threats of more to come if they continued their bullying

behavior, they might jump the kid even worse when they're sure

his "guardian angel" isn't around.

       Besides, I have a "All bullies should be shot" policy anyways.  

Bitter?  Me?  Naaahhhhh....



       > he other girls were not quick to respond.



       "A bop in the head is worth two in the bush," Mina 

said brightly.  But the author, the audience, and her friends

wisely ignored this comment....



    They proceeded along their walk, no destination in 

mind, and it was not long before they found themselves 

meandering through a public park. Given the season, the 

trees were not in bloom, but the muted greens gave the 

whole area a subdued look. Occasionally smaller children 

would dart back forth through the foliage, locked in a game 

governed by malleable and independent rules. The five 

Senshi walked on.





       What season?  The "muted greens" comment makes 

it sound like early spring, although mid-fall might also fit 

the bill.  Downright lovely description, though.



  

    "I think you're wrong about that last one," with a bit 

of a frown across her face, Minako criticized Usagi. "A 

true friend would not have a problem laughing at you if you 

trip, but she'd be the first to help you up." She had 

decided that morning that this was definitely a day for 

contrast and was wearing a blue and gray top with black 

pants. Her hair, unbound as usual, cascaded across her 

back, making her face, hair, and hands appear brighter. The 

moon hanging from her right ear and sun from her left kept 

with the image.



       Must be the week for visual descriptions.  Nice imagery.  One quibble: 

 her "hair, unbound" made her "face, HAIR, and hands appear brighter."  The 

second mention of her hair seems a bit off, though not jarringly so.  Maybe 

"...making it, her hands, and her face..."





    "No true friend of mine would be laughing at me when 

I'm hurt." Usagi shot the other blonde a dubious look. 

Behind her Rei, Ami, and Makoto exchanged a glance and 

whistled innocently. 



       And promptly took up (in order) "Speak No Evil, See No 

Evil, and Hear No Evil" poses.  Usagi and Minako noticed and 

clapped their hands in unison.  "Oooh!  Charades!  Goody!"





    "I'm not saying when you're really injured. I'm saying 

when its just a bump." Rubbing a hand over her eyes, Minako 

shook her head. 





       "I only laugh at your pain and humiliation when it's 

*funny.*  Really!"





    As the two debaters continued, the three who were 

walking a bit behind settled into a companionable stride. 

They did not have any particular desire to enter into the 

other discussion though not for any real reason. 



       That paragraph just seems a bit awkward.  I'm not sure

how I'd suggest fixing it, though.              



As the 

ground passed slowly under their feet, they relished the 

sense of peace and order which profused their surroundings. 

This was a day that in recent events had been all too 

uncommon.





       Do you mean "a KIND of day"?



    "Hey, Ami. Guess who I see over there." Rei nudged the 

object of her address and pointed well to her left. Leaning 

around her, Ami took a look.



    Lying on his back, one hand attending to a kite string 

rising from his side, Mitoru Ryan was nodding in and out of 

the world of the waking. A small form, no more than six 

years of age, was quietly moving an assemblage of miniature 

cars and trucks around on mat a few feet away. At the open 

invitation of her friends, Ami redirected her s                             

                                                                            

                                                                            

                                                                            

                                                                            

                                                                            

                                                                            

                           e was 

wearing, making sure everything was as it should be. It 

was.





       Ummm...I think something got lost there.





    "Feeling fine. It's a beautiful day." Turning, he 

addressed his charge. "If you hit me with that one more 

time, no ice cream."





       And there seems to be some missing exposition before

this line.  Who was he responding to?





    Inspired by thoughts of ice cream, Usagi abruptly 

returned her attention to what was going on. She smiled at 

Ryan for a moment before suggesting a few of them might 

want to sally forth to the vendor of aforesaid snacks who 

had set up shop not two hundred yards away. A half minute 

later, Ami and Ryan were alone as the other had decided to 

accept Usagi's wisdom.





       The otherS, I think.  Is it just me, or is there some kind of Senshi 

conspiracy to jumpstart Ami's love life?  Heh heh heh....





    "I'm surprised you're not studying. Did you not intend 

to this weekend?" asked Ami as she idly picked blades of 

grass from the ground and began to weave them.





       "Did you not..."?  That seems a bit over-formal, even for Ami.  





    "Sure, I intended too. As I recall, you did too." 



    She smiled for a second, shrugged and poked her tongue 

out at him. Ryan smiled and returned to his prone position. 

Ami sighed and sat down near his head.





       Wow.  For Ami, this is awfully forward.  She must be *really* 

comfortable with this guy.





    The ten minutes of peaceful talking, bordering at 

moments on verbiage which some might even consider 

'flirting,' was something that both parties involved 

understood to be doomed to an early ending. The ending was 

not absent in its due time, as the others returned bearing 

the fruits of their venture. 





       I might suggest "conversation" instead of "talking."  And 

perhaps drop "verbiage" and just go for "...bordering on what some 

might consider flirting..."

       And maybe "That ending..." instead of "The ending..."



 

    "I still say that a true friend isn't someone who'd 

help you do something wrong. She'd look out for you and do 

what's best, no matter what." Usagi was still pursuing the 

previous topic, undeterred.





       "No, a GOOD friend will help you hide the body.  A 'regular'

friend will just help you commit tax fraud."





    "No. If you really needed to do something, a friend 

would be someone whom could be trusted. Someone to be 

relied on," Minako countered.



    "You're both wrong. A true friend is the guy banned 

from your ICU for smuggling you a pack of cigarettes and 

hitting on the nurse as a distraction while you light up." 





       <all together now>:  CYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

       BTW:  Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

       PS:  Was this friend anybody we know?  Or might meet?



       > s poetic and personable as ever, a man in black joined 

them. "Now hurry up, I saw the big guy over- Who are you?" 

Cyanide stared down at Ryan and his little brother, just 

noticing their presence.



    "Cyanide!" Ami, flushing bright red, admonished.





       <facepalm>  Ami-Chaaannn, when Cyanide shows up and

says there's trouble, you *don't* take issue with his manners --

you RUN!





    "This is Mitoru Ryan and his little brother, Katsi. 

This is, uh, Cyan. He's a friend of ours." Makoto dove into 

the pause that followed. 





       Cyan.  <giggle>  Oh, my poor Makoto...





    "Are they in the know?" Cyanide asked Minako.



    Slightly flushed at both being put on the spot and 

Cyanide's incredible lack of politeness, she shook her head 

negative. 





       <eyerool>  Gooood way to maintain the ol' secret IDs,

Cy.  





    "You know, I am here. You can address me with your 

questions."



    Cyanide made a raspberry noise and waved his hand in 

Ryan's face dismissively. "Whatever. Now come on. I just 

saw Big and Nasty, and we'd best get away now."





       Yep, that's the Cyanide we all know and love.  Do they offer

Dale Carnegie courses in Japan?





    "Excuse me?" Ryan was quite simply shocked. He'd never 

personally encountered a level of rudeness like this 

before. Looking around at the bright red faces of the 

girls, he noticed they were also quite upset at this 

tactlessness.



    "Why are you still here? Go away and bring the runt 

with you before all hell breaks loose. Girls, come on." 

Cyanide turned and motioned them to follow him.





       Should be "...go away and take..." rather than 

"...go away and bring...", I think.  "Bring" suggests that Ryan

would be coming with them.





    Ryan rose to his feet, indignation and insult mixing 

in his eyes. He took a position immediately before the 

trenchcoated man and retorted, "Excuse you, you ill 

mannered buffoon! Would you--graa!" His tirade was abruptly 

cut short as a gloved hand caught him on the side and 

forcibly hurled him to the ground. He rolled to his back 

and looked up as the sound of small arms fire detonated 

through the air. The girls scattered.



       Saved by the automatic fire...or from.  And it's nice to see that

the girls have developed good duck&cover reflexes.





    Striding through the park, one hand already 

unlimbering an assault rifle from a duffel bag, a tall and 

ominous figure approached them. Foreign features and cold, 

impassive eyes decorated the head, the only section of skin 

visible under the leather jacket and pants. It had studded 

leather gloves on its hands. Recognition was instant for 

those who knew.





       Cue music:  Limp Bizket's tune from "Mission 

Impossible 2"





    At that moment, Pyrite made his presence known through 

a little fire magic. It hit the T-101 and knocked him from 

his feet. 





       So where's *he* been hiding out, I wonder?

       



    Leaping to his side, Ami hurriedly instructed, "Ryan, 

you should definitely-" 



    "Run, you stupid fuck!" Cyanide deposited Katsi into 

his brother's hands and violently shoved them away. He then 

returned his attention to the developing fire fight.

Ryan had just enough time to exchange one panicked glance 

with Ami before curling his body around his little brother 

and fleeing. 





       Cy finishing Ami's sentence:  Cute.  Heh.  Nice to see Cy's

on the ball and being protective, too.  And Ryan shows a pretty

decent head on his shoulders, too -- too many people would 

freeze up in that kind of situation.  

       



    The Senshi looked around. Everyone in sight either 

already knew or was running like hell. Wasting no further 

time, they transformed. 





       Unfortunately, the reporters were running like hell *towards*

them, and had their cameras rolling.  But it all turned out okay, 

because Cyanide shot the cameras with incendiary bullets.





    As sparkling lights danced through the air and bizarre 

music emanated from the earth around them, each of the 

girls rose into the air. Denuded and reclad, their forms 

spun gently in the air as they collected the power of their 

respective planets. Moving sigils of eldritch magicks and 

echoing glimpses of places too ethereal to exist danced 

through the air, omens and portents of that which was being 

unleashed. The backlash of such arcane might created a haze 

and fields of polychromatic insanity. It also had the 

unfortunate effect of sending Cyanide into an acid 

flashback, thus eliminating him from the events that 

followed. Well, some people considered it unfortunate.



       Well, *I* would -- he's the only hero there with 

Big Guns.  

       Although I thought that Heroin was Cy's problem --

I don't recall any mention of his having experience with LSD...

       Cyanide:  "Well, y'see, Meatballz-for-Brainz over there 

accidentally brought back Jerry Garcia when she revived the 

world after the Deep Freeze.  He decided to put together a 

new band called the Ungrateful Resurrected, and I got a job

as a roadie for a year...or was it two?"





    "Mars Flame Sniper!" Mars had recalled from her prior 

battles with this thing that flame, while ineffective 

against the armored innards, was capable of burning the 

false skin from its exterior. Knowing that with its ability 

to camouflage itself as normal human compromised the 

machine would pose less of a threat, Mars attempted to burn 

the psuedoflesh away. She was unsuccessful but did manage 

to temporarily incapacite its vision as the flames caused 

the clothing it wore to combust. Engulfed in a crimson 

pyre, it continued to fire randomly. 





       I'd suggest rearanging the camouflage sentence.  

Maybe something like "Knowing the machine would pose

less of a threat with its camouflage compromised, Mars...."



    Diving to his side, Pyrite was able to hit the ground 

before a bust of nine millimeter rounds passed through the 

space he had just recently occupied. Lying down while 

waiting for his adversary to either run out of munitions or 

cease its haphazard barrage of small arms fire, Pyrite 

found himself next to Jupiter, similarly seeking refuge on 

the ground. He spared a glance at her.





       "So, ah, what are you doing later?"

       Suggestion:  swap "ammunition" for "munitions."

       



    She met his eyes and held his gaze for a moment. It 

might have been longer save the arrival of Moon. She landed 

from an impressive leap directly between them and curled to 

her knees. As she pulled her head down, a tree exploded not 

thirty yards away. Flaming wreckage and splinters of what 

had once been a mighty sylvan giant fell to the earth all 

around them. The machine continued to fire, undeterred.





       <blink>  Who blew the tree up?  Small-arms fire won't do 

that -- despite what Hollywood shows, trees don't have gas tanks.



    "Come on! Venus and Mercury are waiting by that 

fountain. There are too many people around here, so we're 

going to try to lead it away. Ready?"



    "Sure. Say when." Makoto pulled herself up into a 

runners crouch and peaked around, pinpointing where their 

adversary was. It was not a difficult task. The immense 

individual was striding slowly towards them, unceasingly 

firing at any target which presented itself and a few that 

did not. As it came closer, the three tightened themselves.





       Runner's crouch -- missing apostrophe.  

       "peaked around" what?  

       "Tightened themselves" strikes me as awkward.  

Maybe "coiled to spring"?  Or "prepared to sprint"?





    And Cyanide, still seeing things that were both not 

there and probably better for it, stumbled directly into 

its path. It took only a moment for him to be targeted 

through the flames that encased the assailant.





       Jerry Garcia:  "Bummer, dude.  He was a really good

roadie, too...when he straight.  When he was stoned, we

used him as a replacement drummer.  Got great reviews..."





    'Yes!' Pyrite resisted the urge to leap into the air 

and pump his fist. He considered it to probably be 

unpolitic.





       Oh, yeah, that's Pyrite, all right.  Jerk.

       Suggest:  "He suspected the Senshi would consider it

impolitic, at best."

             



    "No!" Moon's attention and intent instantly changed. 





       Suggest:  Changed instantly.



       > he was up and running in a heartbeat as Mercury funneled 

her considerable occult aptitude into covering the area 

with a dense cloud of azure mist. The terminator, 

registering and correctly analyzing the sounds of Moon's 

footfalls, turned and took aim.





       Ami: "The bad news is, the fire that was blinding him 

is out.  The good news is, he's still just as blind as he was."

       Mina:  "But can't he aim by sound, like a bat?"

       Ami: "D'oh!"





    Pyrite unleashed some lightening. As the amperage 

coiled and wove around the machine, Moon grabbed the 

insensate gunman and started running. Jupiter reinforced 

their attacker's incapacitation with her own magic and 

followed her leader. Pyrite, deeply regretting the probable 

survival of Cyanide, muttered to himself and went after the 

others. 





       Lightning (sp).  Aside from that, a very nice paragraph.  



    Within moments, the park was empty.





       Nice.  This chapter seems very different from the

precedding ones, so far.  The humor is still there, but

much more sutble and understated.  Several slapstick

opportunities are left ungrabbed, in favor of a serious 

fight scene.  The girls really do seem to be getting a 

good handle on this -- their reactions are faster and 

better than before.  And Cyanide, of course, is still the

universe's designated whipping boy.  Heh.

       Also, lots more visual descriptions than I recall in

previous chapters.  Very *nice* visual descriptions, too.

The effect of Mina's hair and outfit were particularly vivid

-- I don't think I've seen her described quite that way before.

       Cyan.  Heh.  Oh, but I can see some humor mileage

coming on THAT one.....



-- David McMillan, Imagineer at Large. Chief Systems Analyst and Integration Engineer, Exotic Technologies Division, KUKA GmbH. Mecha and Weapons Design Specialist. "Agent Mulder? My name is Neo. I believe I may be able to show you part of the truth you've been searching for. I should warn you, however -- it's not what you think." --
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