RANMA 1/2 -- The Contract
Chapter 3: Ukyo Kuonji's Contract Conundrum
Ukyo dialed the familiar number with trepidation. She still had no
idea what she was going to do with the contract, but it didn't seem
right to force it on Ranma. If he signed the contract, it would be by
his choice. And if he refused... well, she'd just tear it up, then. His
other fiancees might be willing to do whatever it took to win Ranma's
hand in marriage, but Ukyo Kuonji would never stoop to their level...
"Hello?" asked the voice in her ear. "Is anyone there?"
"Y-yes," stammered Ukyo. She'd been so wrapped up in her thoughts,
she hadn't heard Akane pick up the phone! Her heart sank. She knew what
Akane would think if she asked for Ranma, and in this case, she wouldn't
be very far from the truth. Ukyo decided to simply go see Ranma in
person later.
Before she could apologize for dialing a wrong number, however,
Akane cut her off. "Ukyo?"
"Um..." Akane had recognized her voice! The wrong number excuse was
out, obviously.
Fortunately, Akane spared her the trouble of coming up with an
alternate excuse. "I'm glad you called. Ranma needs to talk to you about
something. He was just about to go over there."
"Really?" asked Ukyo, barely able to contain her relief. "I'll just
wait until he gets here, then."
"Well, it's really important," said Akane. "He'll want to tell you
as soon as he can."
In the background, Ukyo heard Ranma's voice. "Hey Akane! I'm on my
way to Ucchan's!"
"Hang on, Ranma," said Akane. "Ukyo just called. She's still on the
line."
"Great! Can I talk to her?"
"Here you go." Akane handed the phone over to Ranma.
"Ucchan, I need to ask you a favor," Ranma began.
"What is it?"
"Well, this may sound kinda crazy, but... if some guy in a big cloak
tries to sell you a marriage contract in exchange for food, could you
hang onto it for me? It's really important. And don't sign it!"
Ukyo didn't have to feign surprise. "What do you want a marriage
contract for?" Ranma quickly explained the situation to Ukyo, including
a description of Razor, whom Ukyo had never met. When he had finished,
she had only one thing to say. "Oh."
"What's wrong? You sound... disappointed."
"Nothing's wrong," Ukyo assured him. Actually, she was a bit worried
about Ranma. He'd sounded almost desperate in his plea... but why? Was
Shampoo really that important to him, that he would go out of his way to
help her when he'd finally found a way to get her out of his hair
forever? Ukyo was rather looking forward to seeing Shampoo marry someone
else and be out of contention for Ranma's hand in marriage once and for
all. How could she help that Amazon hussy?
"You still there, Ucchan? Will you keep an eye out for that guy with
the contracts?"
Ranma's voice sliced the stone away from Ukyo's heart. He really did
care, whatever the reason... and she had the only means of helping him.
She simply couldn't bring herself to lie about something so important.
"Ranchan... I already have one."
"You do? Great!" He paused. "You didn't sign it already, did you?"
"No. I wanted to talk to you about it first."
"Okay. Stay right there. I'll be over in a few minutes. Don't do
anything with that contract until I get there, okay?"
"Sure thing." She hung up the phone and realized that her hands were
shaking. Why was she so nervous? It wasn't as if Ranma knew she had been
planning to get him to sign it... but what else would she do with it?
For that matter, what had Shampoo intended to do with her contract?
Oddly, Ranma had skipped over that part of his story, if he knew the
answer himself. Had Shampoo also intended to get Ranma's signature, and
merely fallen victim to yet another Plan Gone Hideously Wrong? If so,
what did that bode for her own plans? Perhaps it would be better to
simply destroy the contract as soon as Ranma had found what he needed
and not give fate a chance to destroy her life as well.
Sighing, she pushed her troubles out of her mind for the moment and
set to work preparing the restaurant for the upcoming lunch crowd. No
sense letting worrying ruin her business. Ranma would show up in a few
minutes, get the information he needed from her contract, she'd tear the
damn thing up, and then everything would return to normal. Well... what
passed for normal in this crazy place, anyway.
"Ucchan? We're here!" called Ranma as he crossed the threshold of
the restaurant. Shampoo, Razor, and Nabiki were right behind him,
Shampoo leading Razor by the hand to prevent him from wandering in the
wrong direction. Ukyo had to suppress a snigger at the backwards boy's
similarity to Ryoga in that respect.
"What's with the crowd?" asked Ukyo once she had recovered from her
near-mirthful outburst.
"Well, Razor and Shampoo are the ones who signed the contract,"
Ranma reminded her, "and Nabiki's going to act as our translator."
"I deal with contracts on a regular basis," added Nabiki. "For a
small fee, I'll cut through whatever legal obfuscation there may be and
find your nullification clause."
"Which reminds me," said Ranma, "you never mentioned what exactly
that fee will be."
"I wanted to wait until I had an impartial witness," replied Nabiki.
"Ukyo, you'll probably enjoy this."
"Amazingly enough, that sounds really bad," said Ukyo. "I don't
think I like it."
"How much do money girl want for read contract?" asked Shampoo,
taking out her wallet.
Nabiki crossed her arms. "I resent the implication that I have no
interests other than cold cash. It just so happens that my fee for this
particular service has nothing to do with money."
"That scares me even more," said Ukyo.
"Spit out already," hissed Shampoo. "What you want?"
"If I tell you how to break your contract," said Nabiki, "you have
to make me a promise. An unbreakable promise on whatever symbol Amazons
make unbreakable promises on."
"Anything! Shampoo promise anything!" she shouted, desperately.
Razor flushed at this display, but said nothing. "What you want?"
"If I read the contract," repeated Nabiki, "you have to agree to
give up on Ranma."
"WHAT?!" asked Shampoo, Ranma, and Ukyo in unison.
"You heard me," said Nabiki. "I've watched you go after him ever
since you arrived in Tokyo, and I'm sick of it. More importantly, it's
depressing Akane." She received the stares of shock without flinching.
"I'm not the heartless bitch you all probably think I am. Akane comes to
me sometimes when she gets depressed. When she can't let out her
emotions by breaking bricks, she cries on my shoulder and tells me about
her problems. And a lot of those have to do with a certain Amazon
lavishing affections on her fiance."
"She tells you about her problems?" asked Ukyo skeptically.
Nabiki shrugged. "Kasumi's an okay listener, but she tends to be too
blindly optimistic to cheer anybody up. She's incapable of real
sympathy. And Dad... well, he cries even more than Akane does."
"You okay, Shampoo?" asked Ranma.
Shampoo was still slowly shaking her head, her eyes and mouth
hanging wide open. After her initial shocked reaction, the truth of
Nabiki's demand had hit her like a bonbori to the skull. If she didn't
agree to Nabiki's price, she would be forced to marry Razor. But if she
did, she'd be free to pursue whomever she wanted... except for Ranma,
the man she truly loved. How could she agree to such a thing?
Surprisingly, it was Razor who came to her rescue. "To your price
agreeing cannot Shampoo. That Ranma marrying must she stating Amazon
Law. Unbreakable being this law, even with you of agreement for sake."
"I've named my price," said Nabiki flatly. "I'm tired of Shampoo's
antics depressing my sister, and I won't stand for it any more. Whether
it's because Shampoo agrees to give up on Ranma or she's forced to marry
Razor, it doesn't matter to me. I'm sure you can find a way around the
law if you put your twisted mind to it. It'll damage your pride, but not
as much as tying the knot with Mr. Reverse."
"Nabiki..." began Ranma, but Shampoo held up a hand to silence him.
"Shampoo agree," whispered Shampoo, sniffing in her tears. "Shampoo
no more marry Ranma."
"You don't have to do that, Shampoo," insisted Ranma. "I'll talk her
out of it. We'll figure the contract out ourselves."
"Good luck," said Ukyo. "I tried already. It hurt my head just to
look at the damn thing."
Shampoo ignored Ukyo's comment and glared at Ranma. "Shampoo give
word. You want Shampoo go back on word? Shampoo rather die than do
that." She grabbed the contract from Ukyo's pocket and handed it to
Nabiki. "Read. Tell how to break."
"Sure thing," said Nabiki. She donned a pair of reading glasses and
glanced at the text, then quickly averted her eyes. "Yow. You weren't
kidding, Ukyo."
"Razor managed to read it, didn't he?" asked Ranma. "How'd you do
it?"
"To me quite a headache giving did the paper reading I," said Razor.
"But it reading me ordering did Shampoo."
"Shampoo order you to read so you supposed to NOT read," she
reminded him. "You supposed to do what Shampoo say backwards!"
"Not if it's got to do with a knife, right?" asked Nabiki.
"That right. Why?"
"Read the first sentence of the contract. Right here." She pointed
to the words as she read them. "'By the power of the knife yadda yadda
yadda.' In other words, forwards territory for the backwards boy."
"Shampoo so stupid!" she berated herself. "No did read contract
before give it to Razor!"
"I don't blame you," said Nabiki. "I don't know how much of this I
can get through in one sitting. The characters keep swimming in and out
of focus."
"No excuses," snapped Shampoo. "Shampoo give word, now you keep own
end of bargain. You no want Kiss of Death, Shampoo think."
"Keep your pants on," said Nabiki, prompting Shampoo to stare at her
own legs. "Figure of speech. It means that I'll figure this thing out.
It just might take a while." She lowered the contract and rubbed her
eyes, then continued to read. "Let's see... the usual disclaimers,
definition of involved parties, obligations and terms... so far, it's
all pretty standard stuff." She committed a few of the stipulations to
memory - who knew when she'd need a few powerful phrases for an
important contract of her own?
"Skip all the mumbo jumbo," said Ukyo. "Get to the nullification
clause."
"Okay, here it is," said Nabiki. "'In the event that another
agreement of equal obligatory merit conflicts with the terms of this
contract as stated above, blah blah blah, the conflicting member may
elect to nullify either or both contracts to obviate this discrepancy."
"What does that mean?" asked Ranma.
"In plain language, it means that if either Shampoo or Razor signs
another contract that prevents them from marrying each other, then
they're off the hook."
"Amazon Law..." began Razor.
"Is not written in blood," interrupted Nabiki. "I think the only
agreement powerful enough to count here is the one I'm holding in my
hand."
"Then give!" shouted Shampoo.
"Hey!" shouted Ukyo. "That's MY contract!"
"I'll make it up to you, Ucchan," said Ranma. "I promise."
"Really?" asked Ukyo. Ranma nodded. Ukyo briefly considered possible
payment options. "Will you go on a date with me tonight?"
Ranma sighed. "Sure," he said at last. "If we can have the contract,
I'll go out with you."
Ukyo jumped for joy. "In that case, I withdraw my objection!"
Shampoo snatched the contract from Nabiki. "Razor, give knife."
Razor handed a knife to Shampoo, who pricked her finger with the tip and
let a drop of blood fall onto the contract. The blood formed the
characters of Shampoo's name, which immediately began to fade. Within
seconds, the paper was unmarked except for the shifting words on its
surface. "What happen? Why it not work?"
"Probably a double indemnity clause somewhere," said Nabiki,
rereading the contract.
"A what?" asked Ranma.
"Here you go. '...furthermore agree to abstain from entering into
any other agreements, in any form, ex post facto, which would in any way
hinder the aforementioned circumstances.'" Before anyone could ask, she
translated, "It means that she can't sign any more contracts."
"Then the nullification clause is a dud?" asked Ukyo.
"Shampoo give up Ranma for nothing!" sobbed the female Amazon. She
ran out of the restaurant. Razor stood still, watching her go, then
sadly shook his head.
"Come on, Nabiki!" said Ranma. "Be more helpful!"
"Well, her signature did appear on the paper for a second," said
Nabiki. "That could very well be enough."
"How?" asked Ukyo.
"Terms of signing. 'From such time as two signatures adorn this
page, et cetera...' In other words, once there's already a signature on
the contract, Shampoo can sign it, and it will be just as binding as the
one she signed with Razor. Then, she breaks both contracts, and bingo!
Everything's back to normal. Except, of course, that Ranma will be free
of her attentions from now on."
"That was really rotten, Nabiki," said Ukyo.
"My family comes first," replied Nabiki. "Now, are we going to do
this thing or not?"
"I'll do it," said Ranma, picking up the knife that Shampoo had
dropped in her haste to leave the scene. He drew a slash across his
fingertip and squeezed a drop of blood onto the paper, where it formed
his signature.
"Aren't you going to get Shampoo first?" asked Nabiki.
"I'll go get her now," said Ranma. "No sense getting her before
signing the contract, right?"
"Um, Ranchan," began Ukyo. "Are you sure you want to do that?"
"Of course," replied Ranma. "Why wouldn't I?"
"Because Shampoo doesn't have to break both contracts," Ukyo pointed
out. "She could always just break the contract with Razor and keep the
one she has with you."
"She gave us her word that she wouldn't," said Ranma.
"But a blood contract supersedes any other agreement," said Nabiki.
"Technically, once her signature goes on that paper, her agreement with
me is legally nullified as long as the contract is in effect."
"Why didn't you mention that before Ranma signed the contract?"
asked Ukyo.
"I didn't think of it at the time." Nabiki sighed remorsefully.
"Outsmarted by a piece of paper and a brainless Amazon... I never
thought I'd see the day."
"You think what you want," said Ranma, "but I trust Shampoo to do
the right thing. I'm going to get her to sign this contract, and that's
final!"
"Ranma, wait!" shouted Ukyo, stopping him with one foot out the
door. "It... looks like it's going to rain," she said sheepishly. "Let
me give you something to put the contract in so it doesn't get wet."
"Good idea, Ucchan," Ranma commended her. "I'd probably better get
some kind of umbrella too. I don't want to think about what will happen
if I'm a girl when Shampoo signs the contract."
Ukyo returned from the back with a long tube. "Here, I'll put the
contract in this." She took the paper from Ranma, rolled it up, and slid
it into the tube. "Here you go. Good luck."
"Thanks, Ucchan," said Ranma. "Nabiki, you'd better come with me and
make sure Shampoo doesn't try anything funny. Just in case."
"It'll be my pleasure," replied Nabiki.
"Razor, you stay away from me." Ranma left the restaurant with the
other two right behind him.
Ukyo sighed as she watched them leave. "Ranchan... I hope I've done
the right thing."
*************************************************
"Shampoo!" shouted Ranma as he finally caught up with the distraught
Amazon.
"Go away!" shouted Shampoo. "Shampoo want be alone!"
"Nabiki says we can still sign this contract! I just had to sign it
first!"
Shampoo turned around. "Is true? Can break contract?"
"Yep," said Ranma, opening the tube. "All you have to do is sign.
Razor, knife please."
Shampoo took the paper from Ranma and the knife from Razor. She
unrolled the contract and squinted at it. "What this? You making joke?
Shampoo not think it funny!"
"What are you talking about?" asked Ranma.
"This one wrong paper... is not contract."
"Of course it is! I saw Ukyo put it in the tube!"
"Contract not say, 'Recipe for very very tasty okonomiyaki sauce,'"
said Shampoo.
"Sleight of hand," said Nabiki admiringly. "She must have swapped
that paper for the contract somehow."
"Why she do that?" asked Shampoo, confused.
"She thinks you'd keep the marriage contract with Ranma and only
break the one with Razor," explained Nabiki. "Given your track record,
I'd have to say that's a pretty likely scenario."
"No!" shouted Ranma. "She'd never do that, even if it wouldn't be a
violation of her promise to Nabiki!"
"It not violate promise?" asked Shampoo.
"Don't even think about it, bimbo!" threatened Nabiki. "As far as
I'm concerned, there's not enough blood in the world to cancel our
agreement!"
"What you talking?" asked Shampoo. "Amazon never break word!"
"I'm sure," said Nabiki. "It takes one to know one, right? Well, I
am one. And I doubt you'd pass up a perfect opportunity to cement your
marriage to Ranma with a blood contract."
"Shampoo not... what is word you use?... heartless bitch you think I
am. Shampoo not be happy married to Ranma if he always worry about
Akane. Shampoo agree for Akane sake, not just to break contract. If ever
Akane no want marry Ranma and no get depressed anymore, then Shampoo
maybe try to marry Ranma again. But only if Akane say so."
Nabiki grinned cruelly. "You almost convinced me. Fortunately, I'm
not gullible. You're trying to get me to release you from your agreement
so you can keep the contract with Ranma and not feel guilty."
"No!" Shampoo insisted. "Shampoo never do that! Only want break
contract with Razor!"
"Aha!"
"That not what I mean! Shampoo want sign contract with Ranma so can
break both and not have to marry Razor!"
"I'm sure that's EXACTLY what you meant," snorted Nabiki.
One of Razor's knives was at Nabiki's throat in a flash. "What
saying she meaning does Shampoo! That doubting wanting you?"
"I'd watch it, Nabiki," advised Ranma. "He's not bluffing."
Nabiki swallowed carefully and backed away from Razor. "Okay, I
believe you. But someone more important than me apparently doesn't."
"Who you talking about?" asked Shampoo. Ranma paled and ran down the
street. "Ranma! Where you going?"
"We've got to get back to Ucchan's fast!" shouted Ranma. "She's
still got the contract, with my signature on it!"
*************************************************
"Ranchan, I hope you can forgive me. But I have to save you from
your own stupidity." She grabbed the contract in both hands and pulled
at it, but it refused to be torn. "There's got to be a way to destroy
this thing!" She held a corner of the paper to the grill, but it refused
to catch flame. "What is this made of, asbestos?" She picked up a knife,
laid the contract down on her cutting board, and sliced at it with the
sharp blade. The metal made a horrible scraping sound as it slid across
the surface of the paper, but the contract remained intact. "I guess
once it's signed, it can't be destroyed..."
Ukyo stared despondently at the signature on the paper. Ranma had to
have discovered her substitution by now, and was probably on his way
back to claim the real contract. There was only one option, one way to
prevent Shampoo from having her way with Ranma. Holding her breath, Ukyo
drew the knife across her palm and let her own blood spill onto the
contract just below Ranma's. The splash of blood took the shape of her
name, and a hand reached from nowhere to pull the signed contract out of
existence.
Ukyo brushed a tear from her eye. "Ranchan... I'm sorry."
------------------------------------------------------------
Welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" where we make things up as we go
along, whether they make sense or badger.
JOHNNY BRAVO: *sigh* The only woman I ever really loved... and she's
gone. I wonder if I'll ever get over - Hey! Nuggets!
JACKIE CHAN: Oh, sorry. I broke your spy camera! (pause) SPY CAMERA?!
My webpage: http://www.rose-hulman.edu/~katinamp