On Tue, 7 Nov 2000, Jason Liao wrote:
Short C&C, since I don't have time to go into detailed analysis.
Fair enough.
Usagi stirred. "Did I fall asleep?"
"No, you fell asleep," Rei replied.
Huh? Confusing...
It's sarcasm.
I just...Don't look at me like that."
Not sure if D should be capitalized or not here.
You're using a lot of ellipsis in this scene. I don't know if the out of
breath characterization was what you were looking for.
I tend to use it either to represent someone switching sentences before
they finish, or trailing off.
"Wow," Setsuna said again, still not entirely
running on all
cylinders.
Noticed messed up formatting starting around here, and continues for a
short clip.
Doh, fixed it.
Ranma poked his head into Ukyou's tent. "Hey, you
awake yet?"
Upon which she promptly killed him for the "You can marry Tsubasa"
comment. The end. ^_^
Heh.
The spatula came around, sending him flying through
the top of the tent. As he flew over the shrine, Ranma
thought, well, that went better than expected.
I was right. ^_^;;;
Heh.
Finally, it might be good to make the first reference to Saturn as
"Guardian Saturn". When I read that for the first time, I keep thinking
Planet Buster Girl for two seconds before I remember.
Righto!
Thanks for the Comments!
John Walter Biles
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu
rhea@tass.org http://www.tass.org/~rhea/falcon.html
rhea@maison-otaku.net http://www.maison-otaku.net/~rhea/
"The connection is so abstract, that we have people whose job
it is to make sure the paperwork doesn't get totally disconnected
from the world. Theoretically, I handle millions of dollars a day,
but it is less real than this e-mail. I have never seen our product.
I have never seen the sales people. I have never seen a customer."
--Robert Lane describes his work as an accountant.