Short C&C, since I don't have time to go into detailed analysis.
Usagi stirred. "Did I fall asleep?"
"No, you fell asleep," Rei replied.
Huh? Confusing...
I just...Don't look at me like that."
Not sure if D should be capitalized or not here.
You're using a lot of ellipsis in this scene. I don't know if the out of
breath characterization was what you were looking for.
Ukyou stopped poking at Ranma's luggage. "I thought I saw a
spider. Really."
Heh
Shampoo frowned. "I'm not having much luck with Mamoru either."
I STILL say that all things being equal, she should have kicked his ass.
Oh well.
"Wow," Setsuna said again, still not entirely
running on all
cylinders.
Noticed messed up formatting starting around here, and continues for a
short clip.
Ranma poked his head into Ukyou's tent. "Hey, you
awake yet?"
Upon which she promptly killed him for the "You can marry Tsubasa"
comment. The end. ^_^
The spatula came around, sending him flying through
the top of the tent. As he flew over the shrine, Ranma
thought, well, that went better than expected.
I was right. ^_^;;;
You'll be a great martial artist one day, Genma
thought.
"You'll" or "He'll"?
They must be related to Ryouga, she thought.
...
Finally, it might be good to make the first reference to Saturn as
"Guardian Saturn". When I read that for the first time, I keep thinking
Planet Buster Girl for two seconds before I remember.
-Natsume Ranma Ranma
-------
The sardines weren't worth the trouble. A few more shots, then Ryoga-san
would overheat and explode. Ducking around a corner, I managed to lose
him as I entered the ramshackle residence of my Anime supplier.
One look at his face and I knew that I had been betrayed. "Tell me,"
I insisted. He refused, so I slammed him against the wall.
"Last chance. Where can Ranma-Ranma find good fanfics?"
"Try Jason Liao," he whispered, before he slumped to the floor.
I heard the sounds of a door splintering as I left through the
window, one step ahead of Tendo Heavy Industries...