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The Horrible Fanfiction List



a rant/essay by Chris Jones

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All opinions expressed here are mine, and should be taken

as just that, opinions, rather than mandates. Non-

fanfiction related comments should be addressed in private

email.





1. The 'First Chapter'



These should *usually* be labeled 'story ideas'. Usually

this occurs when a writer has read a vast quantity of

fanfiction and feels that he or she is ready to get his or

her literary toes wet. All the ideas in the author's mind

come tumbling out onto paper, only to find that they have

nowhere to go once the author loses his direction or

interest in the project. Most 'First Chapters' see the

fabled 'Second Chapter' only if they are very lucky, or

have been written by experienced authors. Almost every

author has one or two (or more) of these lying around on a

hard-drive or fanfiction archive somewhere.





2. The 'One-Shot'



Usually 'One-Shot' stories are a little better thought out

than 'First Chapters'. While they may indeed have a sequel,

each story is a self-contained unit with a distinct plot.

If these get too many sequels, they degrade into fanfic

type #6, The 'Cruel Abandonment'. These can be funny or

moving, but are usually thinly disguised spam.





3. The 'Mega-Crossover'



Mega-Crossovers occur when the author matches all his

favorite characters together from whatever series he

chooses. If the plot does not descend into unmanageable

chaos almost instantly, the author must work the entire

time to manage multitudinous story threads. When these

stories are created by a talented, experienced author, the

results can be magical. They're out there, but they are few

and far in between. Unfortunately, these frequently degrade

into 'First Chapter' or 'Cruel Abandonment' type stories.





4. The 'Pointless Crossover'



The author brings together favorite characters from two

different shows that have nothing in common and has no

ideas about how to make them work together. The plot is

forced, the dialogue is stilted, and if it doesn't degrade

into a 'First Chapter' or a 'Cruel Abandonment', then it

frequently becomes two separate stories with the same

title.





5. The 'Multi-Author Cluster-#^@&'



This dreadful event occurs when a multi-author fanfiction

is planned and goes dreadfully awry. In the best case, a

few 'One-Shot' type fics are published, but in the worst

case, the fic can turn into a flame war or a pointless

power play.





6. The 'Cruel Abandonment'



This lamentable occurrence happens when a series is

abandoned by its author after more than a few chapters due

to pressing obligations or lack of interest. When

perpetrated by a talented author, this can be particularly

cruel and painful for dedicated readers and reviewers.

Sadly, this is the fate for a great number of good series.





7. The 'Semi-talented Eroticist'



Good, well-crafted lemons are a pleasure to read.

Unfortunately, these are few and far in between. Like most

porn-crafters, authors of erotic fan-prose find themselves

disregarding characterization and plot in favor of 'huge,

throbbing cocks' and 'slick, velvety pussies' that produce

enough body fluid to irrigate a small town in Arizona. Ad

infinitum, these are repetitive and boring to read. Without

the mental and emotional aspects of sex that go along with

proper characterization, pointless lemons just loose their

appeal. The authors of these stories might find themselves

better suited to writing original fiction.





8. The 'Cheating Copout'



This is a variation of the 'Cruel Abandonment' in which the

author of a series he or she no longer has interest in

writing decides to create closure by writing a manufactured

ending. While the characters of the story may find that

their problems magically disappear and all their

relationships resolve themselves, a 'Cheating Copout' is

more often achieved by mass amounts of gratuitous violence

and out of character behavior. This is most painfully

obvious in multi-author fics in which one author has

decided he no longer wants to write and is not content to

just walk away. It's the literary equivalent of a

disgruntled postal-worker taking his frustrations out with

the aid of firearms.





9. The 'Please Kill Me'



Occasionally an author writes for the sake of writing

rather than for the sake of telling a story. While these

types of stories can be enjoyable, if the author is not

very talented, they can grow repetitious and boring. Again,

this type of author is usually better suited to try writing

original fiction.





10. The 'Inevitable Crossover'



Every once in a while, a story or concept comes along that

enflames minds and inspires passions. Then, when another

comes along, inexperienced authors inevitably attempt to

cross the two. Sometimes this is very successful if the

concepts of the two stories are similar. Frequently,

however, one ends up reading something like the

interminable 'The Matrix/Anime Series X' crossovers that

almost always fall into the 'First Chapter' or 'Cruel

Abandonment' categories. A sub-species of this particular

type of fanfic is:





11. The 'Obligatory Crossover'



If there is a popular series, you can bet that it will

eventually be crossed with one or more of 'Star Trek',

'Star Wars', 'Babylon 5', 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer', or

'Hercules/Xena, Warrior Princess'. This is not entirely a

bad thing, since many 'First of Genre' fics are crossovers.

Many anime series fanfiction genres begin with 'Ranma' or

'Sailor Moon' crossovers. More often than not, however,

these are completely disposable and can be completely

recast with a quick 'global search and replace' command.



12. The 'Semi-Original Fanstory'



This happens most often when information is not readily

available about a particular series or character. An author

is required to fill in the gaps by him-- or herself.

Sometimes, this can be magical. More often than not,

however, this rapidly degrades into pointless, repetitive

drivel. The ones that are good reads frequently inspire

other authors to create:



13. The 'Fanfic-based-Fanfic'



These can be either very good or very bad. As with Ranma

and Slayers fanfiction, many minor characters are fleshed

out and characterized by talented authors. Other authors

tend to 'borrow' these revamped characters for their own

stories. Unfortunately, this can lead to

overcharacterization and flame wars about a character's

behavior even if he or she only appears in one anime

episode or manga issue.



14. The 'I Hate My Life'



Many authors of fanfiction are teens or young adults. Many

are introverted, introspective souls, seeking to unleash

their feelings through prose. Sadly, a disproportionate

number are depressive, or using their fanfiction to

alleviate depressive feelings. What results is angst and

suffering for pain's sake. A normally cheery series like

'Ranma' can descend into untold realms of horror and

depression at the hands of this kind of writer, and a

serious story like 'Evangelion' can twist into a horror

that will warp the mind of any casual reader, frequently

permanently turning that reader off the original work as

well as the fan work. This kind of author should attend

self-affirmation classes and consider professional therapy.



15. The 'Apocalypse Now'



Violence for violence's sake is never pretty to live

through and even more pointless to read about. While many

young men ages 12-17 get excited reading about wartime

combat, non-stop martial arts, and crime and punishment,

serious readers call this material 'Pulp' for a reason.



16. The dreaded 'Self Insertion'.



Also referred to as the 'Mary-Sue' in non-anime fanfiction

jargon. I don't even have to discuss this one at length.

They usually start with an idea like 'Wouldn't it be cool

if I lived at the Tendou Dojo' or something similar. They

almost always degrade into 'First Chapters' or 'Cruel

Abandonment'. If an author is particularly perverse, these

may degrade (or even start as):



17. The dreaded 'Self Insertion Lemon'



These start with an idea like, 'Boy,

Ranma/Akane/Usagi/Tenchi/Sasami/Zelgadis/Xellos/Misato/Rei

is a hottie. I sure would like to

lick/suck/screw/boink/noodle/procreate with their <insert

body part here>', and degrade from there. These are

frequently thinly disguised as stories with plots like

'Fanboyite rapes/seduces the Sailor Senshi' or 'The master

of Fanboy-fu comes to study at the Tendou Dojo and bag all

the Tendou girls and girl-type Ranma while he's at it.'



18. The 'Backstory Missing'



This occurs when an author has an idea for a story, but

lacks the patience or talent to properly develop it. This

results in stories that are so far removed from the

original work as to be unrecognizable and uninteresting.

This type of author is best suited for original fiction or

'One-Shots'.



19. The 'Another Lame New Character'



Authors frequently find the need to insert new, fan-author

created characters into their fan stories to help

characterize the original cast and help move the plot

along, frequently as the main antagonist. All too often,

these characters become the main protagonist of the story.

Worse, the author will often slip, allowing his 'Another

Lame New Character' story to become a dreaded 'Self

Insertion' story.



20. The 'Perfect Fanfic'



This kind of story has a beginning, middle and end. It has

rising conflict, a climax, and satisfying conclusion. While

the author may engage in questionable practices or

controversial plot, he or she takes the time to

characterize the original characters and make them his or

her own. He or she takes the time to fully understand the

plot they've created and revise it and re-revise it and re-

re-revise it. The 'Perfect Fanfic' is a tribute to the

original and a work of art in its own right. It leaves the

reader with a burning mind and enflamed passions, wanting

more. Unfortunately, readers may try to improve upon a

winner and create a 'Fanfic-based-Fanfic'. Like successive

VHS or Xerox copies, these can and do degrade over time.

While the author of the 'Perfect Fanfic' may be happy with

his or her chosen hobby, he or she should definitely

consider experimenting with original fiction.



Summary:



Most authors are guilty of at least some of these sins at

one point or another, including the author of this essay.

Most authors are also avid readers, and willingly subject

ourselves to these sins on a regular, sometimes daily,

basis. The only real way to avoid these horrors is to

persevere when writing and be honest with yourself and

others when you are unable or unwilling to write.



Rather than flaming newbie fanfiction authors, it pays to

gently encourage them, politely offering comments and

criticism on mistakes and plot. New authors eventually

become old hands. Those with talent and the gift of prose

tend to stick with it when they are able, and grace us with

enjoyable fiction.



Remember that when you are writing fan-fiction, you are

writing for enjoyment's sake. If you're writing for other

reasons, such as depression, anger, or a need for approval,

you need to reconsider your motivations. You're writing

because you love the characters and the story. Keep that in

mind, and the world can become a happier place if you let

it.





C. - 11-06-2000

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C. Jones - guilty@furinkan.net

http://www.furinkan.net



Watashi ha ultra-relakusu!