Ranma 1/2 -- The Contract
Chapter 1: Shampoo Kisses Like a Cat!
"Three deluxe ramens for table twelve!" called Cologne. Shampoo
picked up the order, remarking at how quickly the Cat Cafe had filled up
after the strange man had left. In fact, now that she thought about it,
it was odd that there hadn't been any other customers while he'd been
there... as if he'd sent them all away for a while. Shampoo delivered
the order and returned to the kitchen.
"Great grandmother, is okay I go break now? Shampoo want see how
Ranma doing."
"Shampoo, you know I think it's important that you spend as much
time as possible with son-in-law, but this really isn't a good time."
"I'll take care of it!" called Mousse from the back. "Anything to
help Shampoo!"
"No, Mousse. Shampoo can handle it herself. One more order for table
seven."
"I've got it!" shouted Mousse. He grabbed a napkin holder and ran
into the restaurant.
Cologne sighed. "You're worried about something, aren't you,
Shampoo?"
Shampoo nodded. "Shampoo think Ranma change mind about wedding
soon."
"I don't think that now is a good time to go check on him, but if
you really must go..."
"Oh, thank you!" shouted Shampoo. She threw off her apron, gave
Cologne a kiss and a hug, and ran into the street, nearly tripping over
Razor, who had just slit his own palm with one of his knives.
"Careful being where walking you," said Razor, letting a drop of
blood fall onto the paper in his hand.
"Razor, what you doing here? You supposed be getting Ranma's blood!"
Razor flushed. "Ranma's blood?" He stared guiltily at the contract,
now stained with his own name in bloody ideograms.
"Aiya! This terrible!" shouted Shampoo, grabbing the contract from
Razor. She scratched at the signature with her nails, trying to scrape
away the mark, but it remained despite her best efforts. "Shampoo no
want marry you!" She turned to the door, but at that moment, a hand
appeared in the air and ripped the paper from her grasp. The hand
retreated into the air from whence it had come, taking the contract with
it.
"Oops. Again the job screwing up did I," said Razor, bowing his head
with shame.
Shampoo raised her fists, tears welling up in her eyes. "It no can
be true! Contract no can be real! Shampoo no can marry you!" She turned
and ran toward the Tendo Dojo.
*************************************************
"Why do I have to hang up the laundry?" grumbled Ranma as he hung
another shirt on the clothesline. He glanced down at the basket. There
wasn't much left besides panties now, and he wasn't looking forward to
having to touch them.
"I told you," called Akane from the house, "Kasumi's spending the
weekend with her friends, so everyone has to pitch in and do some of the
housework."
"Who's doing the cooking?" asked Ranma.
"Don't get me started!" she returned. "I called out for pizza, all
right?"
"Great!" said Ranma enthusiastically. "I was afraid I'd starve to
death with Kasumi gone!"
"I'm sure you'd rather go eat okonomiyaki and ramen with your other
fiancees, right?"
"Well, maybe I should," replied Ranma. "Better than having to touch
all this girls' underwear." He reached into the basket and pulled out a
gi with an old man still wearing it. "And you!"
"Howdy, Ranma," said Happosai with a smile. "I'm just here to help
with the laundry."
"Yeah, by stealing it!"
"Look at it this way," said Happosai, reaching for the basket.
"Every pair of panties I put my hands on is one less pair that you have
to put your hands on."
"I don't need your help!" shouted Ranma, pulling the clothesline
toward himself.
"You're right. I can't deny you the women's undergarments you'll
need to become a real man." Ranma lifted Happosai over the clothesline.
"Hey, what are you doing?"
"Airing out some filth!" shouted Ranma, letting go of the
clothesline and slingshotting Happosai into the sky.
"Hey, lazybones!" shouted Akane. "Less talk, more work!"
"Yeah, right," mumbled Ranma. "I've got nothing better to do than
chat with freaks all day." He bit his tongue and grabbed a pair of
panties from the laundry basket. In the silence, he could hear sobbing
coming from just outside the gate. He dropped the underwear and went to
open the gate.
Shampoo threw her arms around Ranma the second he'd opened the gate.
Ranma staggered back under the weight, finally managing to grab the
clothesline to regain his balance. "Airen," sobbed Shampoo.
"Shampoo, what's wrong?" asked Ranma, anxious to get Shampoo off of
himself before Akane came out to see what the holdup was.
Shampoo stared up into Ranma's eyes. "Ranma, is you still love
Shampoo?"
Ranma backed away as far as he could while still in Shampoo's
embrace. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Answer question!" snapped Shampoo. "Is you still love Shampoo, yes
or no?"
"Well, I..." Ranma stalled for time, trying to think of a way out.
Unfortunately, nothing came to mind.
Shampoo pulled his head down to hers. "Maybe this help Ranma
decide." She kissed him. Ranma tried, as usual, to protest, but the warm
vibrations between his breasts were so pleasurable - breasts? - although
Shampoo's whiskers tickled his face...
Ranma pulled Shampoo away from her chest. "Meow!" protested Shampoo.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaah!" Ranma leapt up and grabbed the roof of the Tendo
house. She breathed heavily, wondering where the cold water had come
from. She hadn't felt any water, certainly.
"Ranma, you get down from there!" shouted Shampoo. "No run away from
Shampoo!"
Ranma turned to look down at Shampoo. She had returned to human
form. "Hey, what gives?" asked Ranma. "You turned into a cat!"
"Aiya! You turn into girl!" Shampoo realized. "But Shampoo turn
back! Why you no turn back?"
Ranma shrugged, causing her to lose her grip on the roof and crash
to the ground. "Why did we change in the first place? You don't think it
had anything to do with that kiss, do you?"
Shampoo's eyes grew wide, and she shook her head. "No, is not true!"
"What?" asked Ranma. "What's not true?"
"Shampoo!" Mousse ran into the yard shouting. "You're needed at the
restaurant! The customers are rioting!" He grabbed Ranma and lifted her
over his shoulder.
Shampoo spun Mousse around and kissed him. Mousse's excited shriek
turned into a quack about halfway through, while Shampoo once again
turned into a cat. Mousse pulled his bill away from Shampoo and
retreated to a safe distance. As soon as her lips left his, Shampoo
became human once again.
"It's definitely the kiss," decided Ranma.
"Ranma, get down from roof again," said Shampoo. "Shampoo have bad
news to tell."
Ranma leapt to the ground. "What is it?"
"Is hard to say... strange man come into Cat Cafe today and give
Shampoo contract. He say whoever sign contract have to marry Shampoo.
You supposed to sign, but..."
"You were going to make me sign a marriage contract?" Shampoo shrank
from Ranma's fury.
"Shampoo sorry. Wish could take back, but no can. Man take contract
away. Is too late now." Shampoo stared at Ranma with such sad eyes that
Ranma couldn't stay angry with her. "Contract already signed."
"Quack!" screamed Mousse, hurling himself at Ranma.
"Hold it a minute, duck! I haven't signed any contract!"
"It... it..." Shampoo burst into tears all over again. "It RAZOR!"
"Razor? The backwards kid with the knives?"
Shampoo nodded. "Shampoo give contract to Razor for to get you sign,
but stupid Razor sign himself! Stupid, stupid Razor!"
"Quack, quack!" said Mousse, tears running down the length of his
bill.
"Contract signed in blood," explained Shampoo. "It have powerful
magic to make sure it not broken."
"So that's why you turn into a cat whenever you kiss someone else?"
Shampoo nodded again, her shoulders shaking with her sobs. "Shampoo
have to marry Razor. No can even kiss other man."
"Well, what are you going to do?" asked Ranma.
"Shampoo not know what to do! Shampoo want marry Ranma!" She
squeezed Ranma for all she was worth.
"Quack!" protested Mousse.
The front door slid open. "What's taking so long, Ranma?" asked
Akane. Her eyes narrowed as she set them on Ranma and Shampoo. "Oh, I
see. Please don't let me interrupt."
"Akane, wait!" shouted Ranma. "Shampoo just came to tell me she
can't marry me anymore!"
"That's exactly what I would have guessed," said Akane
sarcastically. "Can't you at least come up with a better lie?"
"I'm not lying! Look!" Ranma lowered her head and kissed Shampoo
square on the lips.
"I can't believe you!" shouted Akane. "Right in front of me, no
less!" She slammed the door.
Ranma opened her eyes. Shampoo was still fully human, and appeared
to be enjoying the kiss. "I don't get it," said Ranma. "You didn't turn
into a cat this time."
"Is because you girl," said Shampoo. "Maybe Shampoo could learn to
love girl Ranma." Shampoo held Ranma close, and their breasts rubbed
together. "No, this not work. Shampoo love boy type Ranma." She pushed
Ranma away and turned away from her.
"Don't cry, Shampoo," urged Ranma. "Maybe you'll be happy with
Razor. At least he doesn't have any other fiancees, does he?"
Shampoo shook her head. "Razor not want fall in love. He think he
hurt who he in love with."
"I can understand why," said Ranma.
"Ranma, you no understand anything!" Shampoo ran to the gate and
threw it open, surprising the pizza delivery boy.
"I've got three anchovy, pickle, and garlic pizzas for an Akane
Tendo," said the delivery boy.
The front door opened again. "I'm Akane Tendo!"
"You sure have strange taste in pizza toppings," said the delivery
boy, handing the pizzas to Akane. Akane sniffed at the boxes and gagged.
"What did I order? These pizzas can't possibly be edible!" She
turned to Ranma, who was busy making choking noises and clutching her
throat. "Stop that!"
"Even when ordering out you can't get the recipe right!" said Ranma.
"If you don't like it, maybe you should get Shampoo to cook for
you!" retorted Akane. "After all, she'll be doing it every night when
you're married, won't she?"
"Shampoo's marrying Razor!" shouted Ranma.
Akane dropped the pizzas. "She's WHAT?"
"No is true!" insisted Shampoo. "Just because Shampoo no can kiss
boy type Ranma, only over dead body marry Razor!"
"Can't kiss Ranma? What are you talking about?"
"You watching close now," said Shampoo. She grabbed the delivery boy
and kissed him. As Akane watched, Shampoo turned into a cat as soon as
their lips touched. The delivery boy screamed and dropped her onto the
ground, where she turned back into her girl form.
"I just want the money for the pizzas!" protested the delivery boy.
"Shampoo no want be here any more!" sobbed Shampoo. She leapt to the
roof of the house and took off across the rooftops of the Nerima
District.
"What's going on?" asked Akane. "Ranma, get down from there and
explain this!"
Ranma leapt down to the lawn once again. "Shampoo signed some kind
of contract thingy that says she's gotta marry Razor. So every time she
kisses another guy, she turns into a cat, and if he's got a Jusenkyo
curse, that gets triggered too."
Akane gasped. "No wonder she was so upset!"
"Yeah, I guess so."
"Well," prompted Akane, "aren't you going to go after her?"
"What for? She signed a contract. There's nothing I can do."
Akane crossed her arms. "Don't you care about her at all?"
"Well, gee, Akane; if you care so much, why don't YOU go after her?"
"Quack quack!"
"Yeah, I know YOU care about her," said Ranma. Mousse quacked
angrily and brandished a wingful of knives. "All right, I'll go!" She
leapt to the rooftops and started after Shampoo.
The delivery boy looked back and forth between Akane and Mousse.
"So... will the duck be paying for the pizzas?" He tentatively held out
the bill. Moving so quickly that he appeared to be perfectly still the
whole time, Mousse speared the bill, the delivery boy's hat, and the
pizza warmer with three consecutive knives, sending them all flying
across the yard to be tacked to the wall.
"I think that's a no," said Akane, pressing a wad of bills into the
delivery boy's hand. "I'm really sorry about all of this. Keep
whatever's left."
"Sure," said the delivery boy as he deliriously made his way back to
his bicycle. "Remind me never to deliver to this place again!"
Nabiki stepped out the door. "Akane, have the pizzas arrived yet?"
Akane surreptitiously pushed the pizzas under a bush with her foot.
"I don't think they're coming. It's every girl for herself tonight."
Nabiki sighed. "Honestly, considering the amount you've got to pay
to get anything done right in this city, you'd think everyone around
here was me."
*************************************************
"You're crazy!" shouted the man as he ran out the door of the Cat
Cafe.
Cologne sighed deeply. "That's the last of them." She hopped to the
door and hung up the "CLOSED" sign. "I can't believe Shampoo would run
off like that, leaving Mousse in charge. That fool can't get anything
right. And then Mousse deserts too, when he's supposed to be bringing
Shampoo back. There's no way I can handle a capacity crowd on my own."
"You helping did I," said Razor proudly, putting his knives away.
"That's what made them so hard to handle," replied Cologne. "Razor,
stay here for a while and see if you can stay clear of Shampoo. If you
do bump into her, don't let slip that I could use her help here."
Razor left the Cat Cafe, leapt to the rooftops, and ran toward the
Tendo dojo, searching for Shampoo. When he found her, she was crying,
curled up into such a small ball that he nearly tripped over her before
spotting her. "Shampoo, at restaurant you needing Cologne."
Shampoo looked up at him. "Razor, go away."
Razor sat down next to Shampoo. "Why crying you, Shampoo? Of the
contract signing did I because crying you?"
"Shampoo said go away." Shampoo's head drooped. "That right. When
Shampoo say go away, you come close."
"Yes," said Razor. He stopped to think. "Coming close again should
I?"
"Hurry up," snapped Shampoo. Razor didn't move. "Oh, you stupid!
What Shampoo have do to get rid of you?"
"Why of me getting rid wanting so badly you?" asked Razor.
"Shampoo no love you! No want marry you!"
"Then me marrying not will you," said Razor. "For me hating you
reason enough being not that."
"You no understand," replied Shampoo. "Contract you sign say we have
to marry."
"Me marrying having maybe not you," said Razor.
"What you talking about?" asked Shampoo. "You know way to get out of
contract?"
"No, but if contract seeing again we, perhaps nullification clause
finding might we."
"Oh, you too smart!" shouted Shampoo, throwing her arms around Razor
and kissing him. She held the kiss for a few seconds before remembering
herself and backing quickly away.
Razor paled with embarrassment. "Why me kissing did you, if me
loving not you?"
"Shampoo no turn into cat, and you no turn into demon..." Shampoo
blinked back her tears. "It true. If we no can break contract, Shampoo
and Razor..." She leapt down to the ground.
Razor breathed in sharply. "That the arrangement changing could I
wishing I, but than me Shampoo hurting more this." He lay back and
stared up into the sky. "Wondering I... if cursed being not I, me loving
could Shampoo? Because... Shampoo loving could I, then..."
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along, whether they make sense or badger.
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