--
...she was taking to them like a fish takes to tartar
sauce-- that is, not exactly willingly, but, nevertheless,
very well.
-Robert Haynie, "Girl Days"
-- Attached file included as plaintext by Listar --
-- File: tango2.txt
<sploosh>
"GAAAAH! Cold cold cold cold cold cold�"
"Riiise and Shiiine!"
"Whadya do that for Po�" blink "�Nabiki?"
Ranma abandoned her battle stance in favor of looking for the
hidden cameras. Unable to find any, she began to wring out her
undershirt.
"Maaaannn, you soaked EVERYTHING."
Nabiki set her pail on the floor and laughed at Ranma's pouting
appraisal of her sleeping mat.
"Really Ranma-chan, still wetting the bed at your age?"
"What? This ain't my fault an' you know it!" Nabiki chuckled at
Ranma's outraged screech and chuckled even more when a wooden sign
bopped her on the back of the head, sending her to the floor.
"Tut, tut." Nabiki shook her head in remorse as Genma-panda made
the sign disappear and pulled his blankets over his head. "Haven't you
ever heard the saying, 'Let sleeping bears lie' ? Even more true when
they have hangovers."
Ranma moaned into the floorboards.
"Ok, where's the pants?"
Ranma held up the white shirt Nabiki had handed her. She had to
admit, it could have been worse. It was basically similar to the
undershirt she was wearing now with thicker material and a slimming at
the waist that promised split seams if she encountered hot water.
"What pants?"
"Ok, ok." Ranma sighed. She'd expected Nabiki wouldn't let her
get away with that. "Hand me the skirt."
"What skirt?"
Ranma took another look at the piece of fabric in her hands. No
way�
"This is a DRESS?"
"Of course. You can wear some pantyhose if it'll make you feel
better."
"Gaaah! No!" Ranma raised her hands in a warding guesture.
"Then here, catch."
Ranma reflexively caught the pair of panties Nabiki threw to her
and grimaced in rejection. "No way!"
"I'm sure boxers would go so well. I'm letting you get away
without a bra, you should be grateful." So, Nabiki figured, would be
the rest of the male population of Nerima.
"Nabiki, Ranma, breakfast is ready." Kasumi came out of the
kitchen balancing two bowls and a pot of tea. Ranma blushed and tried
desperately to hide the panties behind her back before Kasumi could see
them.
"My, Ranma-chan. What an interesting dress." Kasumi blithely set
the food down on the table. "I do hope you will wear the proper
undergarments. It simply wouldn't do for a woman of the household to
appear indecent."
"I�M NOT A WOMAN!"
"Of course, Ranma-chan. I believe the plain white bra would go
best." Kasumi straightened up and returned to the kitchen, oblivious to
Ranma's trapped and horrified expression. "Nabiki, do you want me to
get you something for that cough?"
"No thank you, big sister." Nabiki grinned from ear to ear. "I'm
feeling just WONDERFUL."
"No!"
"Look Ranma, " Nabiki was getting annoyed. 10 minutes of whining
and Ranma was still dressed only in her damp boxers and undershirt.
"What's the big deal? You wore a BUNNY SUIT for that stupid challenge
with Tsubasa."
"That wasn't for REAL! 'Sides, I was in disguise. Nobody but
Akane recognized me."
Nabiki ground her teeth. "Lame excuse, Saotome. This is
important. Get your ass into that dress."
"That is NOT a dress!"
"It's a lot more than you wear to the beach!"
"Swimming's different! I don't have a choice!"
"You don't have a choice now! You're going to a job interview to
be hired as a waitress. That means that unless you want to explain your
curse�" Nabiki raised her eyebrows questioningly. Ranma shook her head
emphatically. "� you have to go as a girl. And if you want to get the
job, you have to look good."
Ranma grudgingly conceded the point but not the principle. "I
always look good. And that's so� so� CUTE!"
"Sexy." Nabiki corrected. She held the dress up to herself and
twirled. "Frankly I'm jealous. I'd wear this in a second. But I guess
you just don't have the balls."
"Hey! I got a lot more balls than you'll ever have!"
Nabiki smirked and looked suggestively at Ranma's boxers.
"I don't see any."
"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! There ain't any way you can say that and
get away with it."
"Is that a challenge, Saotome?"
Ranma's face went blank for a second, then paled. "No! Not a
challenge!"
"I guess you just haven't got what it takes."
"I got everything it takes." Ranma thrust her chest out in
challenge. "No one can say I don't!"
"Here you go then." Nabiki suppressed her smirk of triumph as she
handed the dress back to Ranma. After all, she didn't want to make him
truly angry. The photos she'd take as Ranma left the house would be
more than reward enough.
"Man, how long I gotta sit around in this thing?"
"About another hour."
"What? Why'd ya wake me up so early then?"
"Oh please, Ranma. In this house? You know what a madhouse it is
once everyone's up. I didn't feel like dealing with you and all of them
at the same time."
Everybody else waking up� Ranma felt a vague but urgent sense of
worry.
Upstairs, a slight metallic sound followed by a thud suggested
that someone quite heavy had just tripped and fallen over something
long, sharp and pointy.
Ranma tilted her head to look up towards the source of the noise.
Her eyes widened.
"Growwf!"
"I'm sorry dear. I really should be more careful where I leave my
katana at night. What in the world is it doing out of it's sheath? I'm
certain I put it away."
Ranma mastered teleportation.
Nabiki smoothed her hair back down as a woman and a panda
descended the stairs.
"Good Morning, Auntie Nodoka."
"Good Morning, Nabiki." Nodoka looked at the empty spot across
from Nabiki in puzzlement. "I could have sworn I heard my son just a
moment ago."
"Sorry Auntie. Nobody here but us girls."
"Oh well. He wasn't in our room when I woke up. Have you seen
him?"
"I'm pretty sure he's left, Auntie."
"Bye Auntie, <gag> Uncle." Nabiki waved cheerfully as Mr. and
Mrs. Saotome walked down the street.
"I hope they find Ranma soon." Nabiki glanced over her shoulder
at her sister. "They enjoy being together so much."
"Uh, yeah, sure Kasumi." Nabiki reminded herself that there were
some things her older sister just didn't get. "I don't think they'll
run into him though."
"Oh? Why not?"
"He's still here." Nabiki walked back into the main room and
rapped on the table. "It's safe to come out now, Ranma."
A tiny voice drifted out from underneath. "You sure?"
"Hey, would I ever lie to you?"
Nabiki sat down and finished off her tea. A few seconds passed
before Ranma inched her head around the edge of the table without
releasing her death grip on the underside.
"Incredible, Ranma." Nabiki smirked at her across her teacup.
"That was one of the most impressive displays of cowardice I've ever
seen. I had no idea it was even possible to perform the Saotome Ceiling
Cling technique on the underside of a table. For an entire quarter hour
too. Your stamina is improving."
Ranma wasn't paying attention.
"Nabiki?"
"Yes, Ranma?"
"I think I'll just stay under here for a while longer."
"Why Ranma, whatever for?"
"Iiii'm toooooo young to dieeeee!"
Nabiki looked intrigued. "Do you really think you can do this for
an entire hour?"
"Hah, I could do it for three."
"Ranma, have I ever told you that you are a man of many
interesting talents?"
"No."
"Good."
Akane yawned and leisurely stretched in bed. It promised to be a
wonderful day. The sun was shining, a cool breeze was blowing through
the window, P'chan was imbedded in the wall, and she'd managed to sleep
through the Saotome morning brawl. Smiling blissfully, Akane burrowed
back under the covers and prepared to seriously sleep in.
Several minutes later, her eyes snapped open as P'chan separated
from the wallboards with a faint pop and a slightly louder "Bweeee
<thunk>".
"P'chan!" Sheets went flying as Akane practically jumped across
the room to the rescue of the concussed piglet. "Oh P'chan, what
happened to you? What monster would do something like this?"
"Bweeee�."
"That jerk! RAAAAANNNNNMMMMAAAAA!"
Nabiki glanced up from her newspaper as the house rattled. "Ah,
the sweet sounds of love."
Quiet whimpers of "Not again." and "told you so." came from under
the table.
"Where is he? I'm going to pound that jerk into a paste!" Akane
stormed down the stairs, still in her pink pajamas and pig cuddled
protectively in her arms.
"Geez Akane, couldn't you have dressed first?"
"�more'n I'm wearing."
"What was that, Ranma?"
"Ranma? Where?" Akane glared around the room. "Jerk! Get out here
and let me beat you up like a man!"
"Now, don't get me wrong Akane ("Be Quiet!")." Nabiki sipped at
her tea and 'stetched' her legs under the table ("�ow�"). "I enjoy
seeing Ranma get beaten up as much as the next sadist, but shouldn't
you wait until he's actually done something?"
"He HAS! That pervert snuck into my room and beat up P'chan!"
"Did NOT!"
"Did to!"
"Did not!"
"Did to!"
"You are soooo uncute!"
"AAAAAAHHHH! That's it! RANMA!"
Blue flames halloed Akane's head and shoulders like some sort of
beserker angel. With the finality and certainty of an executioner's
axe, Mallet-sama rose into the air and�
Nabiki sighed. This was getting so old. Still, as long as the
dress wasn't harmed, there wasn't any real reason to interfere. Any
unsightly bruises would probably heal before the interview, and Ranma
had never let a few cracked ribs stop him before.
� was held there for several long seconds as Akane tried to find
a target.
"Where IS he?"
Nabiki blinked. Then she smiled. "5000 yen."
"�traitor!�"
"And a ten second head start." Nabiki conceded.
"Deal." The strain of holding a 50 kilo hammer over her head was
beginning to affect Akane's arms.
"Oh, and don't mess up the dress. It's mine and you don't want to
know what it costs to have dry-cleaned."
"Fine! Just tell me� dress?"
"Don't worry about it. Well, worry about IT, just don't�
whatever. He's under the table." Nabiki prudently picked up her saucer
and cup.
"Hah! Gotcha, perv�" Akane reached under the table to drag out� a
leg. Attached to a body. Which was wearing�
"THOSE ARE MY PANTIES!"
"You can HAVE them! They're too loose in the waist and tight in
the bu� uh." Ranma scratched her head and stared up at a (literally)
flaming Akane. "hehe� did I REALLY just say that?"
" 'Fraid so."
"JERK! PERVERT! IDIOT! CASANOVA! PIG MOLESTER! You, you �
HAPPOSSAI!"
"Hey!" Ranma objected. "It ain't like that! I thought they were
Nabiki's! Who'd wanna take panties from an uncute tomboy like you?"
"DIIIIEEEE!!!!"
<WHAM>
"Owwww."
<WHAM>
"the pain."
<WHAM crack>
"Wow sis. You're breaking the floorboards. Cool it off a little.
Besides, those panties are mine. Yours all have the little hearts on
the hem, remember?"
"Oh." A brief expression of guilt passed over Akane's face before
her eyes fell on P'chan. "Well, you deserved it anyway for hurting
P'chan."
"Suuure." Ranma peeled herself out of the shallow, girl-shaped
depression. "Now you tell her."
Nabiki shrugged. "Hey, I'm not a martial artist. I'm a little
slow. " Loose in the waist indeed.
"And I didn't do nothing to P'chan neither." Ranma added as she
stood up.
"Hmmph." Akane was distracted from continuing as she got her
first good look at Ranma's dress. "What are you WEARING?"
"Urm, eh, it's a dress? Without, um, the bottom part? Don't hit
me?"
"5000 yen for an explanation." Nabiki offered automatically.
"Hey, I'm family!"
"Alright. 4500." Nabiki winked. "Trust me, this is something you
definitely want to hear."
"This is so embarrassing."
"But you look so cute!"
"Shaddup."
Ranma growled and tugged at her ponytail. Akane snickered at the
look of pure disgust as Ranma was reminded of her new hairstyle. The
so-called dress was bad enough, but nobody had the right to mess with
the pigtail. Even Nabiki hadn't tried. Ranma would have kept it, too,
if Kasumi hadn't ambushed her just as she was about to escape out the
door. Before Ranma knew what was happening she was in the kitchen with
her hair washed, brushed, and pulled back by a sparkly blue butterfly
hair clip. At least she had been able to avoid any makeup.
Akane giggled as she wondered what had set off her fianc�e's
latest blush. Once again she felt a brief stab of jealousy that the
pervert looked better in a minidress than she did. Ranma's constant
blushing only made the effect worse. Though she wondered, honestly, why
he was making such a big deal out of it. After all, Ranma had worn
much, much worse in the past. But he was SO easy to tease.
"Really Ranma, I don't see what your problem is. You're such a
pretty girl!"
"Cut it out, Akane. I'm a man. A manly man! A man among men! A �"
"Cute girl in a hot minidress."
"yeah, a cute gir� No! Huh, at least there's one of us worth
looking at, you uncute, violent tomboy!"
"Ranma No BAKA!"
<wham>
"Watch it! You almost crushed Kasumi's hair clip!"
"If you wouldn't duck, it wouldn't be in danger!"
<wham>
"Akane, cut it out! I'll be all sweaty for the interview."
"AND you'll be a <wham> pancake! With a few <wham> bruises you
won't be so CUTE!"
<WHAM>
"Owww."
"Whiner. It's all your fault."
"How's it my fault, tomboy?"
"AARRGGHH! DON'T INSULT ME, STUPID!"
Akane stopped the mallet in midswing as Ranma looked up at her.
For some odd reason Ranma's expression made her feel a tiny bit guilty.
She got over it in a second, but the mallet had already disappeared.
Ranma breathed a sigh of relief as the hammer dissolved inches
from her face. Picking herself up from the crater in the sidewalk, she
hastily examined her clothes for damage.
"Awww, Akane. You got powdered cement all over me. How am I gonna
get it all offa me in time?"
Akane's sarcastic reply was interrupted as Ranma solved the
problem with a full-body shake. When the dust cloud settled Ranma was
no longer in the middle of it.
"What the?" Akane checked up and down the street (and the walls
of nearby buildings and tops of telephone poles, just in case).
"That JERK! He DITCHED me!"
"Stupid Nabiki. Stupid Akane." Ranma bounced down an alley and
landed on the next street. "Why'd she follow me anyway? How'm I
supposed to make a good impression if she's screamin' at me the whole
time? Man, I'm gonna be late if I don't hurry."
"That jerk." Akane scuffed her feet. "I can't believe he ran away
from me." Akane scowled at the sidewalk. A piece of shattered concrete
reminded her of why Ranma had disappeared. Akane kicked it down a
gutter. Well fine then. See if she cared. The obnoxious pervert could
go to his new job all by himself. It didn't matter to her at all.
Why couldn't Ranma ever be nice to her? And after beating on
P'chan this morning too. She'd had to mallet him. Ranma needed her to
keep his obnoxious, perverted nature in check so he could be the guy
she lo..lo.. lived with. Just look at Mr. and Mrs. Saotome. Maybe if
she traded the mallet for a katana?
Akane continued on her way, totally absorbed in considering the
relative merits of edged vs. blunt incentives and totally unaware that
her feet had turned down a street that didn't lead to the Tendo Dojo.
Many people dreamed of finding a way to avoid rush hour traffic,
red lights, oblivious pedestrians, and the thousand other irritants of
street travel. In Nerima, a small, select group of exceptional people
have discovered the solution. Think Vertical. Or, more importantly,
don't think about the laws of physics.
Physics never was Ranma's best subject, so she happily made a
credible imitation of a rubber ball in a red wig and bounced her way
over the streets of Nerima. She felt sorry for those stuck down below,
but training since before she could walk entitled her to SOME perks,
right?
As she reached the apogee of another bounce, another figure was
making its own way across the rooftops. Ranma saw it and groaned. The
person was wearing a black ninja suit and had a huge bag over his or
her shoulder. Aww MAN, she didn't need this now. If the old pervert got
even a peak at what she was wearing it would take HOURS to pry him off.
Time to disappear.
Wait a sec. That wasn't Happosai. Happosai didn't have a long,
black ponytail. Now that she thought about it, he wasn't taller than
her either. Ranma suddenly grinned and ascended into the air again.
This person she could spare a minute to talk to. There weren't many
people who were safe for Ranma to do that with.
"Hiya, Konatsu! What's in the bag?"
Konatsu bowed in midair before hopping along a row of chimneys.
"Ingredients for Ms. Ukyo, Mr. Ranma."
"C'mon, Konatsu. Ya don't have to be so formal."
"My apologies, Mr. Ranma." Konatsu bowed again. "It will be as
you wish."
"Uh, sure." Ranma sighed in resignation. Konatsu seemed to feel
he owed Ranma something, and the ninja was disrespectful about as often
as Kuno was sane. "What's the rush? I mean, you don't usually use the
rooftops to do your shopping, do you?"
"Mistress Ukyo was kind enough to ask me to pick up ingredients
for an order of 20 deluxe super large Okonomiyaki." Konatsu bowed yet
again, lower. "Please excuse my rudeness. I must get back as soon as
possible."
"Uh, sure. See you around, Konatsu." Ranma waved as Konatsu leapt
away. Who in the world ordered 20 deluxe, super large Okonomiyaki at
10:30 in the morning?
Nearing her goal, Ranma began to look around for a convenient
place to touch down without attracting a lot of attention. Alleys were
out, ca..ca.. scary things lurked in them, just waiting for an innocent
martial artist to fall into their clutches. The park offered several
options, small secluded spots in the park. She had to be careful,
though. A few times had been REALLY embarrassing when she found others
were, <ahem>, using it already.
Picking a small tree no one seemed to be sitting under, Ranma
landed on the branched and dropped easily to the ground.
Credits:
Rights to Ranma, ect. Owned by Pioneer, Rumiko Takehashi and
probably a whole bunch of other people who are not me.
Thanks to C. Casta�eda for his criticism on the FFML.
Next Time: Ranma meets his new boss and coworkers. Will they be
normal? Or will Ranma's working life be as messed up as his love life?
Take a wild guess.
William Little