POKENET - The Big Egg Scramble part 3
ASH: Following the trail of a nefarious criminal, we found ourselves in
an abandoned concrete warehouse. When you�re a detective, there�s only
one thing you can know for certain: you never know for certain what you
know for certain. Of course, I knew for certain that we were entering
the certain unknown, so I decided to make a snappy decision about what
to do... Hey, what do you know? Misty hasn�t hit me over the head with
that mallet of hers! I must have finally learned how to hold a silent
internal monologue! That�s a relief, because she can be such a pain
sometimes. Always whining about this and that, annoying stuff... And
then she hits me for absolutely no reason at all! I mean, what did I
ever do to her, aside from run over her bike and say stupid things on
occasion? Honestly, that girl is so impossible...
Misty screams and bashes Ash repeatedly over the head with a mallet.
MISTY: For your information, Alfred Hitchcock, I heard every word of
that! I was TRYING to ignore it, but you just had to go and open your
big mouth � or not � and say those things about me!
JENNY: Can it, you two? Haven�t you ever tried to sneak up on criminals
before?
BROCK: Oh, shoot! I�m wearing the wrong shoes! Let me go back to the
office and get my sneakers...
ASH: Don�t bother, Brock. It would take too much work. You can afford to
be lazy right now.
BROCK: I can?
ASH: Of course. You�re wearing loafers.
Misty hits Ash in the head with her mallet.
JENNY: We have to track down the thief. He�s in here somewhere...
Jenny throws a Pokeball.
JENNY: Growlithe, find the thief!
Growlithe sniffs at the ground and whines.
GROWLITHE: Growl, lithe!
JENNY: You can�t smell anything? That�s odd... why would there be such a
strong smell of pepper in here?
ASH: If you need to find a thief, just assume it�s an attractive female
thief.
JENNY: Why would that �
BROCK: A pretty girl? Where?
Brock charges off through the warehouse, making a beeline for the
thief. The rest of the group follows him until they see him with his
arms around the waist of a woman with long red hair, sitting next to a
blue-haired man. They�re cooking something in a pot in the center of the
warehouse.
BROCK: You�re beautiful! Please say you�ll go out with me!
James punches Brock in the head.
JAMES: Keep your hands off of my partner!
JESSIE: Oh, James. You defended my honor!
JAMES: (blinks) I just didn�t want you to get dirty. Dinner�s almost
ready.
JENNY: All right, you two! I want some answers from you!
JAMES: You didn�t ask any questions yet.
JENNY: I�m getting to that. First tell me who you are.
JAMES: We�re Team Ro-
A paw reaches from behind a cement slab and smacks James in the
head.
JESSIE: We�re the Construction Crew!
JAMES: That�s right! Perhaps you�ve heard our motto...
Jessie and James take familiar poses.
JESSIE: We help people prepare for storms and other trouble.
JAMES: When they need a building, we make it on the double.
JESSIE: To erect a structure on a strong foundation!
JAMES: To house all peoples within our nation!
JESSIE: To create safe homes for truth and love!
JAMES: To give every family a roof above!
JESSIE: Jessie!
JAMES: James!
JESSIE: Construction Crew, working as long as it�s light!
JAMES: We�ll finish the job if it takes all night!
MEOWTH: Meowth! Dat�s right! Oops...
ASH: OK, I believe them. Let�s go!
MISTY: But Ash, I thought I just heard a Meowth back there! That means
they could be the thieves we�re looking for!
JENNY: And that motto sounds awfully familiar. Are you sure you�re not
members of Team Rocket?
JESSIE: Quite sure.
MEOWTH: Hey! Leggo a me, ya flea-bitten mutt!
Growlithe trots around the corner, carrying Meowth in its mouth.
JENNY: Then what�s this Meowth doing here?
JESSIE: Yelling at a Growlithe, from the looks of things.
JENNY: Is this your Meowth?
JAMES: No, it�s far too ugly to be our Meowth.
The Meowth growls at James.
JENNY: So, you DO own a Meowth...
JESSIE: No! Of course we don�t! What James meant was that we only train
attractive Pokemon. After all, you wouldn�t want to live in a building
constructed by (points to Meowth) THAT.
The Meowth leaps up and scratches Jessie and James� faces.
JAMES: There, see? Would it have done that to us if it was our Meowth?
ASH: I could see it happening...
Ash takes a step away from Misty.
JENNY: Then you won�t mind if I ask it a few questions.
MEOWTH: (shakes head) Meow... Meowth meowth!
JENNY: You can�t fool me, Meowth. As a trained police officer, I speak
fluent Pokemon.
ASH: I can speak fluent Pokemon too!
MISTY: You, Ash Wednesday? You can barely speak English!
ASH: Just watch me. I�ll translate what the Meowth is saying.
MEOWTH: Whateva. Let�s just get dis interrogation ova with.
ASH: Aha! It said, �You caught me red-handed. Please torture me and take
me to jail!�
Misty hits Ash over the head with a mallet.
BROCK: I have a question: Why won�t any girls ever go out with me?
MEOWTH: Have you eva looked in a mirra? The goils won�t go out with ya
cause you�re a monsta!
BROCK: Ohhhh... (pause) I didn�t understand a word of that.
ASH: It said, �Scratch me behind the ears and I�ll purr like a kitten.�
MEOWTH: What�s da problem? Ya can�t undastand me when I�m talkin� plain
English?
MISTY: Well, your accent IS a little hard to understand. Have you tried
elocution classes?
MEOWTH: It�s dis hairball dat got caught in my throat a long time ago.
It makes it impossible fah me ta talk so dat people can undastand me!
JESSIE: And all this time we thought he was just trying to imitate
Groucho Marx...
ASH: Try applying a vinegar solution... that helps loosen those nasty
hairballs.
MISTY: How do you know � actually, I really don�t want to know.
The Meowth grabs a bottle from Jessie�s purse and gargles with it.
It spits out a hairball, which Ash picks up and pockets.
BROCK: Ash, you want a hairball?
ASH: Evidence, Brock. Always think of the evidence. If ever there�s a
crime committed, we can use this hairball as evidence. Who cares what
crime scene we got it from?
BROCK: Ah... you�re such a great detective!
Meowth speaks in a perfect Noel Coward voice.
MEOWTH: Ah, that�s much better. Disengage the sinuses and dramatically
enhance comprehensibility.
ASH: I still don�t understand him.
MISTY: At least now you�re willing to admit it.
ASH: Anything to avoid getting hit with that mallet again.
Misty hits Ash over the head with a mallet.
JENNY: What was that for?
MISTY: I just realized that I hadn�t hit Ash for a long time, and he
definitely deserves it.
JENNY: Okay, Meowth, now I�ve got a few questions for you. Who is your
trainer?
MEOWTH: I never did get myself trained. My advice is to keep a bottle of
carpet shampoo handy.
Jenny wrinkles her nose.
JENNY: Do you know these people?
MEOWTH: To whom are you referring, Team Ro- the Construction Crew, or
the stupid detectives?
ASH: What stupid detectives?
JENNY: The Construction Crew, of course!
MEOWTH: You want to know if I know Jessie James and James Jessie, the
greatest Pokemon thie- building specialists in the entire world?
JENNY: I can�t think of any other reason I would have asked...
Meowth stares at Jessie and James with a critical eye.
MEOWTH: I�ve never seen them before.
Everyone except Ash facefaults.
ASH: OK, I believe it. Let�s go.
Misty hits Ash over the head with a mallet.
BROCK: This all seems pretty suspicious, but I just can't figure out
what's wrong with this picture.
MISTY: I just know my Togepi is around here somewhere!
JENNY: I'm afraid I can't do anything else here unless I have some
evidence...
BROCK: Ash! Show her the hairball!
JENNY: (quickly) REAL evidence...
JESSIE: Well, it looks like you've got nothing on us, so...
JAMES: Looks like Officer Jenny's blasting off again!
JENNY: (sighs) Well, we'd better leave. But I warn you, we'll be coming
back with a search warrant!
ASH: Bye, Construction Crew! See you again next Halloween!
MISTY: It's not Halloween yet, Ash!
ASH: Oh? Then why are the Construction Crew wearing Team Rocket
uniforms?
Everyone facefaults.
MISTY: He's right! Those are Team Rocket uniforms!
JENNY: I think that's reason enough to search the premises!
JESSIE: Feel free... we have nothing to hide.
Jessie surreptitiously reaches down to slide her purse under a
cement block.
JESSIE: Hey! My purse has been stolen! James...
JAMES: What? I didn't steal your purse! It must have been some other
thief!
BROCK: Maybe she keeps a picture of herself in here...
Brock digs through Jessie's purse and pulls out a tiny bottle.
BROCK: Well, at least I can smell her wonderful perfume.
Brock opens the bottle and sniffs its contents. He falls instantly
unconscious. Ash picks up the bottle and reads the label.
ASH: Way to go, Brock! You found the chloroform!
Ash slides the chloroform into his pocket while Officer Jenny leers
at the Team Rocket members.
JENNY: I knew it! Jessie and James of Team Rocket! You're the ones who
have been stealing Pokemon from innocent trainers. I hereby place you
under arrest!
JAMES: Never! Meowth, get her!
JENNY: Growlithe, go!
Growlithe bares its fangs and growls at Team Rocket.
JENNY: That's odd... where is Meowth?
MEOWTH: You'll never find me, flathead!
JENNY: I think the expression is "flatfoot."
MEOWTH: Not any more, it isn't!
Meowth drops a cement block onto Jenny's head, knocking her
unconscious. James grabs a ladle of pepper stew from the pot and throws
it into Growlithe's eyes, blinding it.
JESSIE: Thanks for stopping by, detectives, but I'm afraid it's time for
Team Rocket to make like a Bellsprout and leave!
ASH: You're just lucky that Brock is unconscious or he'd have beaten you
up for what you did to Officer Jenny. So now it's up to me to teach you
a lesson.
Ash gestures with his hands clenched into fists.
JAMES: You want to fight? Then we'll fight! Hand to hand!
ASH: Fine by me!
MISTY: Ash! Don't be dense! He's twice your size! He'll clobber you!
ASH: And you haven't done that to me enough already?
Misty hits Ash over the head with a mallet.
JESSIE: Just get on with the fight! I've got a hair appointment in ten
minutes.
Ash takes off his jacket and hands it to Jessie.
ASH: Be a good girl and hold this.
James takes a fighting stance. As Ash raises his fists, Jessie falls
to the floor.
JAMES: What happened to Jessie?
MISTY: Ash was so dumb he forgot to close the bottle of chloroform
before he stuck it in his pocket! The fumes must have knocked her out!
JAMES: Well, you won't defeat me so easily!
James charges at Ash, who trips and falls on the floor. James
stumbles over Ash and lands face first in the puddle of chloroform near
Brock.
MISTY: Ash! Did you plan that move all along? Maybe I misjudged you...
ASH: Move? That was just my usual clumsiness.
MISTY: Then let's see your usual clumsiness save you from THIS!
Misty swings her mallet at Ash, who has chosen this exact moment to
bend down and retrieve his jacket. The mallet misses Ash and instead
hits Misty in the foot. She hops up and down holding her foot in pain as
Ash turns around to look at her for the first time.
ASH: Is that some kind of dance step? The "Misty Hop?" Looks
complicated...
Misty grabs her mallet to swing it at Ash, but loses her balance and
falls over.
ASH: (shrugs) Everyone wants to be a comedian...
There is a loud thumping sound and Ash begins to hop up and down,
holding his foot in pain.
MEOWTH: (sighs) At times like these, I'm etoinally grateful dat I'm a
Poke- Rats! Dat hairball's back again!
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Welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" where we make things up as we go
along, whether they make sense or badger.
JOHNNY BRAVO: *sigh* The only woman I ever really loved... and she's
gone. I wonder if I'll ever get over - Hey! Nuggets!
JACKIE CHAN: Oh, sorry. I broke your spy camera! (pause) SPY CAMERA?!
My webpage: http://www.rose-hulman.edu/~katinamp