C&C Below. Snippage throughout.
It's been a while since I've done C&C, and Dave always makes
a nice target. ^_^ Although since he's really just putting
this out as an idea, these comments are better directed at
the person who plans to use Dave's idea.
Conflict of Interest (working title)
A Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon - The Highlander TV Series Crossover
FanFiction
Concept and story opener by D.F. Roeder
[...]
The golden rays of the late afternoon sun shone through the
meticulously cleaned windows of an ice cream shop. The light bounced
from shiny counter, to gleaming spoon, and refracted through rows of
glassware, designed with the consumption of the delectable sweet in
mind.
MOTOKI: Don't they always eat at the Crown Fruit Parlor?
UNAZUKI: Well, they used to come here...
MOTOKI: And you let them go somewhere else?!
UNAZUKI: Hey! This is the first I've heard of it!
MOTOKI: Our family is supposed to have a monopoly on all
recreational stores in Juban! How are we supposed
to collect the energy of young girls when they play
video games or gossip in the parlor if they're out
eating ice cream at our competitor?!
USAGI: Wh- What?!
MOTOKI: Oh, don't act so surprised.
It was no accident that Tsukino Usagi and her four closest friends
could be regularly found in this establishment, eagerly consuming an
army's quota of the cold dessert. The other four watched with
varying degrees of disgust as their leader inhaled her serving,
finished it, and cheerily called out for another. Her long, blonde
ponytails, descending from two odango, were almost comical as they
whipped around, following the motion of her head.
suggest: as their princess inhaled her serving.
(Sailor Venus is the leader of the scouts.)
[...]
"Reeeiii!!" Usagi whined. "I just can't get enough! And I'm NOT
fat!!"
"Yet," Rei snorted.
USAGI: Do you realize how many calories a Moon Gorgeous
Meditation burns? I *have* to eat or I'll waste away!
Usagi stuck her tongue out at the high school student-cum-Shinto
priestess.
Wow. This degenerated into a lemon
faster than I would have expected! ;)
[...]
His mouth opened and closed once. The girls were getting
uncomfortable under the scrutiny, however, but before anyone could
accost him, he finally spoke.
"Ma-- Makoto?"
suggest: "Princess Jupiter?"
(He's using her name she was given when she was born in Japan?
Whenever I've seen her past identity referred to, it's always
been Sailor, Princess, or Lady Jupiter.)
[...]
At Makoto's response, his eyes fell. "I... I see. Forgive me for
bothering you ladies, I--" He caught a good look of Usagi and
staggered. He had to fight the impulse to kneel.
"Serenity-sama..."
Is she Serenity-sama or Serenity-hime?
I'm partial to "Princess," myself. ;)
USAGI: At least my Mom in *this* life could think of an
original name for me, instead of naming me after herself!
CHIBI-USA: AHEM?!
USAGI: Uh... \\//
('');;;
[...]
"I think we should bring the Moon Cats, Usagi-chan," Ami suggested.
cap: moon cats
suggest: Luna and Artemis
(Do the characters *ever* refer to them as "moon cats"?)
suggest: I think we should go pick up Luna and Artemis before
meeting him.
"Well, we'll have to transform. We don't have time to run it."
(The first time I read this, I didn't realize that bringing
the cats would involve going home to pick them up. Luna and
Artemis are practically an over-the-shoulder fashion statement
for the blondes, so I assumed they were already present. ^_^)
[...]
"Patience," Ami said and smiled.
PATIENCE: What is it, Athena?
Rei relaxed and smiled in return; Ami always had that effect on her.
Rei always said she doesn't like guys... :j
(Anime-only fans may experience a sense of disconnection here.)
[...]
"Sorry I'm late guys, but Luna decided that she needed a bath, so I
had grab her out of the tub, of all things." She rolled her eyes in
exasperation while the rest snickered.
punc: Sorry I'm late, guys,
(She's addressing the "guys.")
[...]
"Oh!" Ami jumped and pulled out the Mercury computer. She studied
the screen for a moment. "I'm reading very weak discharges of Silver
Imperial energy about five blocks from here."
Since she's transformed, you should refer to her as "Sailor
Mercury" instead of Ami. Same for everyone else.
[...]
Senshi and Moon Cats rolled their eyes.
gram: "The senshi"
cap: moon cats
suggest: The senshi and cats rolled their eyes.
(Again with the "moon cats." [shudder])
Senshi really ought to be lowercase, as it's not a proper
noun, anymore than "soldiers" is. You'd only capitalize it
for "Sailor Senshi", which is the specific group.
suggest: "The Sailor Senshi..."
And then use "Senshi" for all later references. This way
you've established that "Senshi" is really a shortened form
of "Sailor Senshi"
[...]
The battle raged for about a minute more, but the man disarmed the
woman and took her head in a revolving follow-through.
There's one wee little problem here: there's absolutely no
way in hell Sailor Moon would let that continue; she'd run in
there and stop the fight, interposing with her own body. It's
her one redeeming attribute: she'll sacrifice herself for
anyone, and won't see anyone else sacrificed.
Fortunately, the problem's easily avoided, if they do show up
late, arriving only in time to see the killing stroke, instead
of gawking for a full minute.
All the Senshi felt ill, and Ami staggered over to the wall and
threw up her ice cream.
"Sweet Serenity," Luna whispered. Artemis grimly looked on.
SAILOR MOON: Sweets?! Where? Where? [looks around]
LUNA: ;;;
[...]
"WHO ARE YOU?!?!" Artemis yelled, clearly ready to defend his
charges with his life.
suggest: defend his words with his life.
(He's hasn't made any charges...)
[...]
"I am Duncan McLeod, of the Clan McLeod. I was reborn 400 years ago
in the Highlands of Scotland. I am immortal."
sp: MacLeod
(Any oaf knows Mac is spelled with an "A"!)
[...]
"I said reborn, because I also died at the feet of Queen Serenity at
the end of the Silver Millenium, defending her with my heart and
soul."
How come "Queen" Serenity gets an English honorific,
and everyone else's is Japanese?
The girls felt faint at the revelation, but Artemis was livid.
"IMPOSSIBLE!!! ONLY THE PLANETARY SENSHI WERE SENT FORWARD!"
suggest: ONLY THE SENSHI
(What, exactly, is a "planetary" senshi?)
MAMORU: Don't forget that I was sent forward...
JADEITE, NEPHRITE, ZOICITE, KUNZUTE, BERYL:
We were all reborn, too!
ARTEMIS: Okay, okay. "Only the plantary senshi, Mamoru,
Jadeite, Nephrite, Zoicite, Kunzute, and Beryl were
sent forward!
SAILOR CERES, SAILOR PALLAS, SAILOR JUNO, SAILOR VESTA:
How rude! You "planetary" senshi sure are so self-centered!
Do the solar asteroids count for nothing?
ARTEMIS: ...
"So you would think," Duncan said, "but that wasn't the case...
exactly."
Ami wiped her mouth with a cloth Rei had given her and said, "What
do you mean 'exactly'?"
suggest: wiped the taste of bile from her mouth
(It's been a while since the "throw up" comment, you could
probably use a reminder here of why she needs a cloth.)
[...]
Luna seemed mollified by that, but another burr got caught in her
fur. "And what was THAT all about?!" She raised a paw and pointed
back into the factory. "You KILLED her!!"
OTHER IMMORTAL: Actually, I'm feeling better.
DUNCAN: [boggle]
SAILOR MOON: Good thing I had the Ginzuisho to bring her back!
DUNCAN: Wha--? How--? You can't do that!
OTHER IMMORTAL: As for you, jerk...
When universes collide...
[...]
The girls looked at each other. "There's really only one place," Rei
finally said. The others nodded, and Rei turned to Duncan. "The
Hikawa Jinja in Juuban. Know it?"
suggest: Hikawa shrine
("Jinja" is an extremely uncommon Japanese word; I doubt
many of your readers would be familiar with it. It's the
first time I've seen it in a fanfic!)
Now why exactly would they invite a murderer to one of
their homes...? Wasn't the Tokyo Tower built *precisely*
for these sort of uneasy meetings and showdowns? ;)
[...]
Duncan hopped up and quickly exited the building. Stunned and
bewildered, the Senshi and Moon Cats made a low-profile exit through
a busted window, ran down a long alley, and took to the rooftops.
cap: moon cats
suggest: Senshi and cats made
[...]
"I wouldn't question her," a new voice said from the shadows of the
entryway. Everyone jumped. "I've found her reasonings to be quite
sound, when she shares them." Duncan stepped into the light and
examined the pensive faces. "I'm not your enemy. I served
Serenity-sama just like the rest of you."
gram: I've found her reasons to be quite sound, when she shares them.
or: I've found her reasoning ... when she shares it.
[...]
Usagi calmed down and walked over to Duncan, bowing before him.
"Thank you, good sir knight, for defending my mother--"
cap: Sir Knight
(I'm pretty sure...)
[...]
Groans echoed in the room, and Mamoru helped Usagi to her feet.
"She's, ah, still growing," he grunted as he lifted the love of his
life to her feet.
"I... see," Duncan said with a raised eyebrow.
For some reason, that brought the house down. Even Luna chuckled.
The Sitcom Laugh. I was wondering when you'd use it. :j
[...]
Duncan graciously accepted the chair, giving Luna back the hairy
eyeball she was giving him. "I suppose the story starts after we
died." Everyone shivered again, but not pleasantly this time.
suggest: accepted the chair, returning the hairy eyeball
(Avoid repeated "giving")
LUNA: Fine, if you don't want a Hairy Eyeball,
will a Fuzzy Navel do?
DUNCUN: I'd like a non-furry drink, if you please...
[...]
"All of us are born and age normally until killed. We resurrect and
become immortal.
Huh? I think you need to clean up your tenses here.
Or at least establish a sense of now vs. then...
[...]
A shadow in the corner of the room seemed to thicken and stretch
upwards. Meiou Setsuna stepped out in her seifuku, holding the Time
Key.
I think it's called the Time Staff. [scratches head]
[...]
Setsuna straightened and regarded the other members of the Sailor
Senshi. "If any of you harbor doubts about this man, put them aside.
He is what he claims. I vouch for him completely." She looked at the
Moon Cats. "That includes you two."
LUNA: And who's vouching for *you*, Miss I-Have-My-Own-Agenda?
[...]
"He doesn't, really," Setsuna said. "They act more like
suggest: "They -- the immortals, that is -- act more like
(You need to say who "they" are.)
[...]
I certainly think this is an interesting idea, but it needs to
be handled carefully. As anyone who's seen the Sailor Moon S
arc knows, Sailor Moon doesn't feel it's necessary for anyone
to sacrifice themselves to save the world. So certainly, there
should be absolutely no need for killing!
That kind of tension plays perfectly into the Sailor Moon mythos.
Sailor Moon would refuse to let Duncan kill (or more likely,
fail to arrive in time to stop him from killing), but Duncan
feels that he has to kill in order to save the future.
In the Sailor Moon universe, Usagi would be right. You don't
have to kill people *bearing* the energy; you only need to stop
(or convert) people trying to accumulate said energy for evil.
That's one possible direction to take the story. Maybe Duncan
will watch as Usagi turns enemies into friends, and he has to
come to terms with the possibility that he *didn't* have to kill
all those immortals...
Alternatively, Duncan's right: people must die to stop a
millennium of darkness. I can't see Usagi readily accepting
this. If people need to die for it to come about, then there
doesn't need to be a Crystal Tokyo, and she'd refuse to become
the queen by such a means.
That way you get a stronger conflict between characters. Would
the scouts be forced to pick sides? And if Usagi really does
refuse to ascend, then they're screwed even if they "succeed".
How far will they go to "convince" her?
Anyway, there's plenty of opportunities for some tension and the
themes from both series can play well with each other. Certainly
fertile ground for a crossover!
...Although it's missing one tiny little
element to make it a real D.F. Roeder fic...
MOON: Since you'll working with us, now, we've
decided to make you an honorary Sailor Scout!
DUNCAN: Uh, thanks, I guess...
MOON: Your name will be Sailor Scot!
VENUS: And your attack will be Scot Slashing Decapitation!
DUNCAN: [puzzled] Attack? What are you talking about...?
MOON: Just say "Scot Crystal Power Makeup!" to transform!
DUNCAN: [backing up] Now wait a minute...
;)
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall
http://www.dougmacd.net "This is NOT a kilt!"