It's Halloween! That means it's time for a little comedy! This fic won
second place in the Pokemon Fanfiction Academy Awards comedy category...
not bad, if I do say so myself.
As the name implies, POKENET is a Pokemon/Dragnet crossover, but you
don't need to know anything about Dragnet to understand it. (I sure
don't... I had to find a website just to remember the opening and
closing!)
POKENET � The Big Egg Scramble
NOTE: The story you are about to read is fake. Made-up. Imagined.
Fiction. The names have been changed, not to protect the innocent (is
anyone, truly, deep in their hearts, purely innocent?) but because they�
re funnier this way round.
ASH: This is the city. Pewter, I think, although it could be Saffron. I�
ve forgotten. Anyway, I work here. I�m a cop.
BROCK: Private Investigator.
ASH: Right. I�m a Private Investigator. This case started on a Monday. I
remember that because I was looking forward to the wrestling match that
night. Unfortunately, something was about to interrupt what should have
been a relaxing day...
The telephone rings, and Ash quickly picks it up.
ASH: Ash Wednesday, Private Ear.
BROCK: Private EYE, Ash.
ASH: I know what I mean, Brock. My hearing�s a lot better than my
eyesight.
BROCK: It�s short for Investigator. You know, I for Investigator becomes
Eye?
ASH: Right. Whatever. So what did you want? (listens) No, I�m happy with
my current phone company... Yes, I�m aware of the benefits of using
BS&S... I�m currently using BS&S... (hangs up)
BROCK: But QCI is our phone company, Ash!
ASH: I know that! I�ll do anything to get these solicitors off the line!
BROCK: You just don�t get it, do you? They KNOW what company you�re
using, and they�ll call back. Watch a pro at work.
The phone rings, and Brock picks it up.
BROCK: Hello. Yes, I know all about your company. I�m sorry, but we don�
t have a telephone. (hangs up) That will leave them scratching their
heads for a while.
Ash scratches his head.
ASH: But the untimely call had interrupted my peaceful morning, and I
began to wish for something to do now that I�d lost my place in counting
the number of holes in the ceiling.
BROCK: Maybe you could learn to hold your internal monologues silently?
ASH: I can�t do that, Brock. I have a responsibility to the readers to
keep them informed of what I�m thinking.
BROCK: You could inform the readers of what you�re thinking with a blank
page!
ASH:
There is a knock on the door. Ash dives under the desk.
ASH: Tell them the check�s in the mail!
BROCK: Relax, Ash, it�s probably just a client. (shouting) COME IN!
ASH: It was a girl, a redhead, who looked a little familiar to me...
MISTY: Of course I�m familiar to you, Ash! You came to my Gym just last
week asking about a suspect!
ASH: That�s right, I remember now... I was getting a room at the
Cerulean Holiday Inn when some guy in a fancy suit snatched my keys and
drove off in my car!
MISTY: That would have been the valet...
ASH: Yeah, he told us the same story but we beat a confession out of
him. Right, Pikachu?
PIKACHU: Pika?
ASH: Anyone will cave in to shock therapy.
MISTY: Well, I have a problem. My Togepi is gone! I left it outside
while I went into the Pokemart and when I came out, it wasn�t there!
ASH: Oh. You shouldn�t have left it outside then.
BROCK: Pokemon aren�t allowed into the Pokemarts unless they�re inside
Pokeballs. There�s a place to leave your Pokemon that�s supposed to be
safe, but apparently someone stole the Togepi from it.
ASH: Well, that�s too bad. I hope you find it.
Misty hits Ash over the head with a mallet.
MISTY: You idiot! You�re a detective, right? You�re supposed to find my
Togepi!
ASH: Where did you get that mallet from?
Misty hits him over the head again.
MISTY: We don�t have time to ask stupid questions! We have to get out
there right away! Togepi needs me!
BROCK: Yeah, I�ll bet it feels neglected already...
ASH: At least it hasn�t been hit over the head with a mallet since it
was stolen...
Misty hits Ash over the head again.
ASH: My head�s going to ache for hours, you know.
MISTY: That�s not going to affect your sleuthing ability, since there�s
nothing in there anyway!
ASH: Realizing that sitting around the office wasn�t going to get us
anywhere, I quickly made two important decisions. First, I decided to
get into the car and drive over to the Pokemart to investigate...
BROCK: That�s a great idea, Ash!
MISTY: What�s so great about that idea? Even I could have thought of it!
BROCK: Then why do you need Private Investigators?
Misty hits Brock over the head with a mallet and storms out of the
office.
ASH: ...and second, I decided to learn how to hold a silent internal
monologue.
*
ASH: The girl�s name was Misty Skies. I knew she�d be trouble from the
minute she stepped into the office, but a case is a case, and so Brock
and I got in the car and �
BROCK: Hey Ash, can I turn off the radio? This cop show is putting me to
sleep.
ASH: Sure, Brock.
The car backs up and there is a loud crunching sound. A fist bangs
on Ash�s window.
MISTY: Hey! Watch where you�re going! You just ran over my bike!
Ash opens the window and sticks his head out of the car.
ASH: What was your bike doing behind my car?
MISTY: The bike rack is right behind your car! The road is in front of
you!
ASH: Oh yeah. I knew we shouldn�t have painted the side of our
headquarters to look like the road.
Misty hits Ash over the head with a mallet.
MISTY: Now I have to get a ride from someone!
BROCK: You could ride with us!
MISTY: I�d rather throw myself in front of your car than get inside it.
ASH: Yeah, that would be safer. We�re still in reverse gear. Anyway, we�
re off to investigate the Pokemart. We�ll let you know if we find your
Togepi.
The car drives off. Seconds later, it reverses and pulls back up to
Misty, who has to get out of the way before it backs over her.
ASH: What is a Togepi, anyway?
MISTY: On second thought, I�d better come with you. This investigation
won�t get anywhere with only the two of you working on it.
Misty opens the back door and gets in. The car drives off down the
road.
MISTY: Where are you going? The Pokemart is the other way!
ASH: I know that! I need a big running start!
There is a loud crash from inside the car.
BROCK: Wow! That mallet�s even bigger than the car is! How do you do
that?
There is another crash, similar to the first.
ASH: With fresh headaches, Brock and I set off with our client to find
the missing Togepi.
BROCK: The radio�s turned itself on again, Ash!
ASH: Pikachu, don�t touch the radio! It�s a boring show!
BROCK: Funny how the detective sounds just like you, Ash.
ASH: Yeah, and he can�t keep his internal monologues silent either.
The car stops in front of the Pokemart and they all get out. Ash
walks up to the box with the sign on it that says �Leave your Pokemon
here� and stares at it through a magnifying glass.
ASH: Yep, just as I suspected. It�s a box, all right.
Everyone facefaults.
MISTY: Brilliant, Sherlock! Can�t you figure out anything that�s not
obvious?
ASH: It appears that a Togepi was sitting on this box at some time, but
it�s not there now... that must mean that... it went to the bathroom!
Misty hits Ash over the head with a mallet.
MISTY: Togepi wouldn�t go to the bathroom without telling me! It�s been
properly trained!
ASH: Oh, really? Then what�s that?
He points to a puddle of water on the box.
ASH: I think that�s Togepi pee!
Brock sniffs the puddle and promptly falls unconscious.
JENNY: Stay away from that box! It�s covered in chloroform!
ASH: I used to play with those! It was fun peeling off the stickers and
putting them on the pretty backgrounds over and over again...
Misty hits Ash over the head with a mallet.
MISTY: Not Colorforms, you idiot! Chloroform! That�s why Brock is
unconscious.
ASH: No, he always does that when he sees a pretty girl.
MISTY: Well, he didn�t do that when I walked in the office!
ASH: Like I said, he has to see a PRETTY girl.
Misty screams and pounds Ash�s head into the ground with her mallet.
Ash�s flailing foot hits Brock in the head and brings him around. Brock
looks up at Officer Jenny and leaps to his feet.
BROCK: Good day, um, officer...
JENNY: I�m Officer Jenny Rienna Cacher. (pronounced like ca as in car
and sha as in shame)
BROCK: Officer Jenny, will you go out with me?
JENNY: I�m afraid I�m on official police business. I�m trying to find
the thieves who set up this phony box to steal Pokemon.
MISTY: Phony box?
JENNY: That�s right. There�s no law that says you can�t bring Pokemon
into the Pokemart. This box is a fake. The thieves use chloroform to
knock out the Pokemon and then steal them.
BROCK: That�s just downright mean! We have to do something!
JENNY: You don�t need to worry. Officer Jenny is on the job!
ASH: So are we! I�m Ash Wednesday, and this is my partner, Brock Oli. We
�re Private Noses.
BROCK: Eyes.
ASH: And Ears, Mouths, and... something else. Anyway, we�re trying to
find a missing Togepi that was taken from this box.
JENNY: I�m afraid I can�t allow you to jeopardize this investigation by
interfering.
ASH: Who said anything about game shows? We just want to find that
Togepi so Misty will leave us alone and I can go back to my office and
watch wrestling!
MISTY: You destroyed my bike, Ash Wednesday! I need you to find my
Togepi so that I can deduct the cost of my bike from your fee!
JENNY: I�m sorry, but I�m going to have to ask you to leave. This is
police business.
ASH: We�re with the police! Think of us as police officers without
badges...
BROCK: Or a patrol car or gun...
ASH: And we don�t answer to the police chief...
BROCK: Or wear a blue uniform...
ASH: And we don�t eat donuts all the time...
BROCK: Except on Sundays when you get a free donut with every dozen you
buy...
ASH: And our names aren�t Jenny!
MISTY: Also you�re not very intelligent...
ASH: That�s right! We never went to police school! But we�re Private
Investigators, so we have as much right to work on this case as you do.
JENNY: No, you don�t. Get lost, all of you, before I have to arrest you
for trespassing.
Jenny enters the Pokemart, leaving the others outside.
BROCK: Oh well, I guess that�s that. I don�t think she wants to go out
with me.
MISTY: Are you just going to give up then?
BROCK: You heard Officer Jenny. I can�t argue with a pretty lady like
her.
MISTY: (fuming) Oh, but you can argue with me?
ASH: Come on, Brock, let�s just get out of here.
BROCK: For once you�ve said something intelligent, Ash.
They all get into the car and drive forward. There is a loud
crunching sound. They get out.
BROCK: Ash! You just ran over Officer Jenny�s bike!
ASH: Well, she shouldn�t have parked it there. See, it says NO PARKING.
BROCK: The NO PARKING sign is where you were parked.
ASH: Yeah, so she should have known better!
BROCK: Well, we�d better go inside and tell her you destroyed her
bike...
Brock and Misty step into the Pokemart. Ash is about to enter, but
stops to look at the sign on the box, then lifts Pikachu onto the box
and enters the Pokemart. From inside...
JENNY: YOU WHAT?! MY BIKE!
Officer Jenny storms out of the building with Ash, Brock, and Misty
close behind.
JENNY: You destroyed my bike! How could you?
ASH: Well, my car�s a lot bigger than your bike is, and it had a lot of
momentum, so...
JENNY: Shut up! Now how am I going to get around to do my investigation?
BROCK: You could ride with us! We�ll help you investigate!
JENNY: (sighs) I suppose I don�t have a choice, do I?
ASH: Hey! My Pikachu�s gone! I left it here on this box, and now it�s
not there!
MISTY: You idiot! Don�t you remember what Officer Jenny said? That box
is fake!
ASH: No kidding... it looks like a real box to me.
Everyone facefaults.
JENNY: The Pokemon thieves are using that box as a trick to kidnap
Pokemon. That�s why the box is covered in chloroform.
ASH: Really? Are you sure it�s chloroform?
Ash sniffs the puddle and promptly falls unconscious.
JENNY: This is going to be such a long investigation...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" where we make things up as we go
along, whether they make sense or badger.
JOHNNY BRAVO: *sigh* The only woman I ever really loved... and she's
gone. I wonder if I'll ever get over - Hey! Nuggets!
JACKIE CHAN: Oh, sorry. I broke your spy camera! (pause) SPY CAMERA?!
My webpage: http://www.rose-hulman.edu/~katinamp