[SCENE: The Cat Cafe kitchen. Shampoo is busily slicing up vegetables
when Cologne rushes in.]
COLOGNE: Shampoo! We must prepare ourselves. I've just received word
that great danger is imminent.
SHAMPOO: Ai ya! What is it? Great-grandmother's favorite TV program
being canceled?
COLOGNE: Worse even than that.
SHAMPOO: Why Great-grandmother waste so much time watch so much junk?
COLOGNE: Never mind, child. I've just spoken by telephone with the
Amazon village seer. At precisely midnight on Halloween night, the Cat
Cafe is going to be visited by... a vampire!
SHAMPOO: Oh NO! Halloween is today! That too, too terrible!
COLOGNE: Indeed.
SHAMPOO: Cat Cafe close at EIGHT tonight! Stupid vampire come at
midnight, no going to get served!
[Cologne sighs, rolling her eyes]
COLOGNE: Shampoo, do you know what a vampire is?
[Turning her head, Shampoo contemplates for a moment. Then she holds two
fingers of her hand out.]
SHAMPOO: Steeeee-RIKE!
[Cologne shakes her head ruefully]
COLOGNE: A vampire is an undead creature of evil, Shampoo. It stalks
through the night, preying on attractive young women like you and me,
paralyzing us with its hypnotic stare so that it may plunge its fangs
deep into our necks and feast on the very blood that flows within our
veins.
SHAMPOO: Me and who?
COLOGNE: Never mind. There isn't much time, and we must prepare.
Vampires are a tough lot, and clever, but with a little preparation, we
should be able to trap this one.
SHAMPOO: You not going to... [she faces forward, with a very worried
look; dramatic music swells up] ... to send someone out as... bait?
[the music abruptly cuts off]
COLOGNE: No.
SHAMPOO: Oh.
[Cut to Tendo Dojo, where female Ranma breathes a sigh of relief.]
[Cut back to Cat Cafe.]
COLOGNE: I know exactly what to do. There's an ancient Amazon trick for
dealing with vampires. Just come with me, and do exactly what I say.
SHAMPOO: Yes, Great-grandmother.
[Fade]
[SCENE: Nerima under dusk. A shadowy figure stalks the streets, its arms
raised menacingly, its black and red cloak billowing behind.]
VAMPIRE: AH! AH! AH! I moost find zome sveet yoong voman and feast upon
her BLOOD! AH!
[Pan in closer. Our vampire is dressed in an old European-style full
formal tuxedo. His hair is slicked back, and fangs protrude from his
opened mouth.]
VAMPIRE: Vot is dees? [stops and reads the Cat Cafe sign] AH! Surely a
quaint estableeshmeent like zees vill employ many loovely vaitresses!
Zey shall be unable to reseest my vampiric charms! AH!
[He pushes on the door, and it slowly swings open. Cut to interior
scene. The vampire enters to find row upon row of rollaway carts, each
bearing a different variety of food under a heat lamp.]
VAMPIRE: AH! Zees moost be vun of zose all-you-cahn-eat Chinese places!
Oh, how I used to loove zese places vhen I vas a leetle bat-boy back in
Transylvania! [glances at the stairs, then back at the food] I shall
sample joost a few delicacies before I return to the hunt. AH!
[Cut to exterior shot to show the passage of time, then back to inside.
The food tables are now partly empty, and our friend has a pile of dirty
plates on the table in front of him.]
VAMPIRE: Oh, how deeleecious zat vas! But I moost be going. [stands up
from his chair, then turns back to the food bar] On the other hand, vun
more bowl of vonton soup wouldn't hurt! And maybe a few spreeng rolls!
[Another exterior shot. Dawn is beginning to creep in at the edges of
the sky.]
[Cut back to interior. The food tables are all empty, except for the
garlic chicken which is untouched. The vampire sits at a table on which
rests a huge stack of plates. He pats his very full stomach.]
VAMPIRE: Oh, I am coompletely full. But I moost queeckly return to....
[Suddenly, light begins to stream in through the window.]
VAMPIRE: AHHH! Eet ees ze sun! I am deestroyed! Vot a peeser! AAAAAA!
[The vampire begins to smoke, and his body deflates like a punctured
beach ball, leaving only a pile of clothes behind. After a few minutes,
Cologne and Shampoo poke their heads down the stairwell, and then emerge
from hiding.]
COLOGNE: You see? He's dead. I told you it would work.
SHAMPOO: Great-grandmother very smart. Where get such good idea for
trap?
COLOGNE: Actually, it came from one of those TV shows that you think are
a waste of time.
SHAMPOO: TV Show?
COLOGNE: Yes.
SHAMPOO: Which one?
COLOGNE: "Buffet, the Vampire Slayer."
SHAMPOO: Oh.
[Fade to black. End.]
Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html