A Year 2000 Halloween Special

    But first, a discussion on fear.

    What is fear?  Fear is the sensation just above worry.  Worry merely nags at the mind, often appearing as either an unknown or as a deep concern.  Fear is when the body begins to react.  There is a threat or a danger and the body begins to react.  Fear is primal, and being primal, it can be controlled.
    So, what about the fear that binds us to the point we can't move?  That is not fear.  That is the next level, Terror.  Terror is when the body and mind begin to break down as something happens.  Fear, you can still move, scream and think a little.  So, the truth is, you don't want terror.
    So, why do people love fear?  You go to horror movies, 'haunted houses', and even pull pranks to feel fear.  What is it about this oh-so-strong emotion that drives us to feel it?  It's the desire to feel disorientation, confusion and utter astoundment.
    It's the only reason I have to explain the Blair Witch Project's success.

    On with the story....

    ------------

    It was the witching hour.  And though most modern witches were probably in bed, there were some that did stay up, but only to catch the incredibly late, late, mid-afternoon-for-college-students-pulling-all-nighters, late shows.
    And then there were the crazy weirdos who were high on caffeine and thought that performing a ritual that they were going to make up off the tops of their heads.  So, they each gathered random items to bring to the stew.  Naturally, there were a few people that got the wrong impression.
    "A-kun, when we said 'stew', we didn't mean potatos and stuff." C-chan grumbled.
    "Be quiet.  I brought soda, some animates and your Megaman X powersuit." A-kun responded.
    "Well, I suppose it's fine." C-chan responded, hugging A-kun, who tried to shove her off.
    "Not in front of Ukyou!" A-kun protested.
    Already, Huh? and Noriko were cuddling and TharzZzDunN and Nabiki were exchanging stockings.  ????? and her wife had snuck out of the fanfic already.  A-chan was staring at the stew, her brain having shut off with lack of anything to work with.  C-chan hopped into her power armor and then returned to the cauldron.
    "Mine's bigger!" TharzZzDunN intoned.
    "Time for the chant." A-chan murmurred.
    "Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble..." C-chan began to chant, tossing nightcrawlers and last week's bacon grease into the pot.
    "Scooby Doo and Gundam rubble..." A-kun joined in, tossing in carrots and paprika.
    "Nakago burn while Noriko cuddle!" Noriko added, adding some old tennis shoe laces and an IRS form.
    "Heap on the juice, baby!" TharzZzDunN said, adding a wing of bat and an eye of newt.
    Nabiki said nothing, just tossed a picture of Pantyhose Tarou in for Ranma's sake.  Ukyou leapt forward and dumped in a voodoo doll with someone's purple hair stuck in it and a copy of Dr. Laura's book, "BURN BITCH, BURN!"
    "Ukyou, please!  We're going for a fake ritual!  Dr. Laura's book is like having the Necronomicon!" A-kun protested, but couldn't scoop the book out before it sank out of sight.
    "Well, the manure hit the fan now." TharzZzDunN happily noted, tossing a physics handbook at a windmill, knocking the handbook down.
    "OW!" the handbook cried out.
    Suddenly, a pillar of light spewed out of the cauldron.  Sixty-eight zombies tore out of the ground around the group.
    "Local mafia's been busy in my backyard." A-kun noted.
    The zombies began encircling the group.
    "A-kun... I'm here to check up on your first fanfic..." one zombie moaned.
    "Dear Kamis!  That one's from the 1920s!" A-kun cried, pointing out the geek.
    "Would you like a booklet on comparitive religion?" "Give auntie a kiss..." "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to keep it down..." "Darth Vader was Luke's father?  What a surprise..." "Would you like to buy some cookies?" "Trick or treat...." "Hey, have you seen this new play, the Rocky Horror Picture Show?" "Damn Jar Jar Binks...."
    "You've been busy, eh, A-kun?" Huh? inquired.
    "I DID NOT KILL _ALL_ OF THEM!  And I certainly didn't help bury more than two-thirds of them (alive)!" A-kun protested.
    "Don't worry, my X-buster will..." C-chan trailed off as her X-buster failed to fire.  In fact, the suit powered down.
    "DAMN!  I forgot to turn the lights off and now the battery's dead!" C-chan lamented, trying to get out of the powersuit.
    "A-kun, do something!" Huh? demanded.
    "I didn't think this would happen, so my katana and SI powers are back at the house!" A-kun responded, backing away from the incoming zombies.
    "You were going to try and get Ukyou without the Aura of Smooth?" Nabiki inquried.
    "I believe in having an honest relationship." A-kun declared.
    "TharzZzy?!" Noriko asked, as C-chan and A-chan became the first victims(?) of the zombies.
    "A-kun's full of it, he led poor Miss Brandy on for over six seasons, pretending to be a former school mascot named Dean..." TharzZzDunN recounted for the amusement of the co-ed volleyball team, drifting off into a daze as he noticed the rear view mirrors watching him.
    "Curse you True-Brewing-Magnetic Man, I will have the last of the virgin pork- BLETHCrSkfgSghwahah!" Maniac Mansion TharzZzDunN screamed!
    "I was expecting the Maniac Mansion Inquisition!" TharzZzy noted.
    Suddenly, a 99 lbs. weakling slammed through the zombies, clearing a seven foot wide gap.
    "Nobody expects the Maniac Mansion Inquisition!" the weakling shrieked in a cracked voice.
    "Who are you?" Nabiki asked.
    "I'm the guy who designed it!" the weakling cried, ignoring the fact that Huh?, Noriko, A-kun, Ukyou, Nabiki and TharzZzDunN (who had transformed into a statue made entirely of Decimite) raced out through the gap he had made and let it close behind them, leaving the 99 lbs. weakling who created Maniac Mansion to die at the hands of the zombies.
    "Hokay!  We have no weapons, no powers and no way of fighting the zombies." Huh? grumbled as they got a safe distance away.
    "Not true.  If we give a video to TharzZzy, he sings Thriller.  That oughta stop the zombies for a while." A-kun noted.
    "That's not going to happen, A-kun." TharzZzDunN decreed.
    The group turned to see TharzZzDunN wearing a classic vampire's outfit with an extra-dramatic cape.
    "Okay, even I'm not that stupid." Huh? said, walking up the TharzZzDunN and tugging at the cape.
    "Ow.  Ow.  Stop that.  Ow." TharzZzDunN told Huh?, before tearing out the still living teen's throat.
    "Huh? darling!" Noriko cried.
    "Let's get the hell out of here!" A-kun said, tugging Nabiki and Ukyou along.
    "Why are we leaving Noriko?" Nabiki demanded.
    "Believe it or not, but once TharzZzDunN turns to the forces of evil, there aren't many ways to stop him from killing people.  Even Noriko's godlike strength is nothing to TharzZzDunN." A-kun replied as they broke into his house.
    He grabbed his katana as Ukyou grabbed her own giant spatula.  Nabiki got the katana.
    "You two hold them off.  I'll be back with my SI powers soon." A-kun answered.
    TharzZzDunN's marshmallow body appeared in the doorway and melted into a puddle of stale pudding.
    "Uh, is he dead too?" Ukyou asked.
    The zombies who entered seemed to ignore the mess, meaning TharzZzy was indeed in another dimension.  A-kun leapt into the living room and unleashed a single Luminaire, annihilating the zombies outright, killing the dramatic tension completely.  It was then that he turned around and found out that Nabiki and Ukyou had been turned into sexy vampires.
    "Well, shit.  Do I run or don't I?" A-kun asked himself as they closed in on him.

    ------------

    Ranma 1/2 - The Vampire Menace

    Ranma sighed, adjusted his glasses and went outside, "I'm going out!"
    "Hey, have you noticed Ranma is looking pale?" Kasumi inquired.
    "Now that you mention it, he's stopped eating too, he's wearing far too much sunblock and he's always wearing shades." Akane agreed.
    Nabiki huffed, "Let's not forget the top hat, cane and tuxedo with tails."
    "I don't know, his van dyke beard is kinda sexy." Kasumi noted to herself.
    Suddenly, something hit Nabiki right between the eyes.
    "Ow!  Dammit, Akane, I know you like rubber bands, but I wish you would go back to aiming at my stomach." Nabiki growled.
    With that angry comment, Nabiki headed up to her room.  As she laid down on her bed and opened a vampire novel, she realized something.
    "I could've bought this at half price or less from a booksale!" Nabiki lamented.
    And finally, the realization that Ranma was a vampire came to her, "Eh.  So long as he doesn't leave a big hickey."
    "Not-nice-greedy girl..." came a haunting voice.
    Nabiki looked up from her book and looked around.
    "Shampoo?" Nabiki asked, before opening her blinds to find Shampoo hovering just outside of her window, holding a hentai dojinshi while her eyes were glowed.
    Nabiki opened the window and pushed Shampoo.
    "AAAAAAAAHHH!" Shampoo shrieked, plummetting to the ground.
    "Oh my megami-sama!  Shampoo!  You're a vampire!" Ukyou shrieked, sticking her head over the overhang.
    "What point, Spatula Girl?" Shampoo asked.
    "What is this?!  The instant I do something, every stupid bimbo in Nerima thinks she has to copy me!" Ukyou demanded, dropping an anvil on Shampoo, crushing her head and ridding Nerima of the Vampire Shampoo, but subjecting Nerima to the Headless Bimbo Amazon Shampoo.  Within seconds, Shampoo's body was up and on a black horse and terrorizing people with the last name Whitman on bridges.
    "AAAAAH!" came a scream from downstairs.
    Nabiki dashed out of her room and, as her intelligence dictated, into the attic as fast as she could to find an enormous mass of bandages blocking out half of the attic entirely.
    "Growf." the swath declared.
    Nabiki decided not to get cursed and leapt back down to the second floor, somehow managing to bypass the third floor and the subbasement entirely.  She was in... the fifth guest room.
    "Oh, hello, Nabiki." Nodoka greeted, tearing Hiroshi open from anus to sternum (the long way) and smiled sweetly as blood gushed from the wound.
    Nabiki turned and found herself back in her room.  She looked around and found Mousse and Ryoga humping each other in her bed.
    "What?" Ryoga asked.
    "I don't mind you doing that, but I wish you wouldn't do that in _my_ bed." Nabiki responded.
    "All right, next time, Akane's room." Mousse agreed.
    "Hey, you aren't monsters or undead, are you?" Nabiki asked.
    "No." both answered.
    "Okay." Nabiki shrugged.
    Then she <strike>farted</strike> tripped and appeared in the living room to see the lich Pantyhose Tarou trying to kill Akane with his boney <strike>wang</strike> hands.
    "Stop in the name of uh... uh... uh......... shit." Nabiki faltered.
    Suddenly, Daisuke burst in, his dead body knocking Akane free of Pantyhose's <strike>sexual prowess</strike> grip and allowed her to return to <strike>rampant lesbianism</strike> normal. (We apologize for the struck items.  They made it most of the way through production without me noticing. A-kun has been punished.  Thank you. - C-chan)
    "Quick, do four hundred points of damage to him!" Nabiki commanded Soun, the Black Wizard.
    Soun used Fire 3 and burnt Pantyhose Tarou to nothing.  Then, Nabiki stepped onto Soun's altar and lit the Orb of Earth, thus completing 1/4 of Final Fantasy.  (Sorry, my mind was wandering. - A-kun)
    It was then that Ranma entered the room.
    "What's going on here?" Ranma demanded.
    "Ranma!  You're a vampire!" Nabiki cried.
    "No, I'm not." Ranma answered.
    "I'm the vampire, Nabiki." Akane declared, smiling and showing off the remains of some Tollhouse Grasshopper Fudge Mint Cookies that were still in her fangs.  In fact, she was still shoving cookies into her mouth.
    "I wonder if it's true that vampires can last from sunset to sunrise." Ms. Hinako said, strutting in from her late-night job at the Broken Octagon.
    "Riiight." Nabiki answered.
    "No, I'm serious." Ranma protested.
    "Then what about going out after the sun has set, your pale skin, the massive amount of sunblock, the lack of eating, the shades, the beard, the teeth and the clothes?" Nabiki demanded.
    "I go to parties, I eat big meals before and after, I'm having rampant affairs so the sunblock masks the smell, my pale skin and shades are because I haven't been getting any sun lately, and I play a vampire who's a gentlemen in a Live-Action Role-Playing Game." Ranma responded.
    "Well, shit.  That means you and I are in a lot of trouble." Nabiki noted as Nodoka used Kasumi as a vessel for an arch-demon.
    "Yep." Ranma answered.
    "Hey, I'm a twelfth level Vice President!" Tsubasa yelled happily as he ran in.
    "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!" the duo shrieked.

    ------------

    Some Random Stuff We Threw In

    Gundam Wing

    "Xenogears production... Mission Failure."
    "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS **!#$!%*!#%*!"
    "Yeah, even Daikatana came out better!"

    "Anyone who sees me has a date with Relena!"
    "HEY!"
    "Hehehehe..."

    "Heero, I am the ghost of Christmas...."
    "Milliardo?!  But I killed you!"
    "You will be visited by three ghosts...."
    "Uh-huh."
    "The first.... will... mess with the lights!"
    *CLICK**CLICK**CLICK**CLICK**CLICK**CLICK**CLICK**CLICK**CLICK**CLICK*
    "AAAAAAHHHH!!!"
    "The second will..... mess with your monitor!"
    *POP* "HI! I'm downloading AOL!" *POP*
    "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!  And the third?"
    "The third.... will.... mess with the lights again!"
    *CLICK**CLICK**CLICK**CLICK**CLICK**CLICK**CLICK**CLICK**CLICK**CLICK**CLICK**CLICK**CLICK**CLICK**CLICK**FFFZZZT**POP*
    "Dammit!  Now you've blown the fuse!"

    "They say that once you see a Gundam, your pants will be dancing with pigs."
    "WHAt?!"

    "And if you say 'Bloody Relena' five times in a dark room, she talks with a sassy british accent!"

    "Destruction of Panzer Dragoon video tapes?  Mission accepted with f^(king glee."
    "That boy do luv his werk."
    "BURN BITCH, BURN!"

    ------------

    Dragon Ball Z

    Nappa built up his power, preparing to erase Gohan from existance.  Opening his mouth wide, he spat a beam of power towards Gohan's terrified form.  Picollo leapt forward into the path of the attack and was engulfed in the light.  A massive explosion ensued, kicking up dirt and sand.  Eventually, it began to clear, revealing....
    "WHAT?!  How is that possible?!" Vegeta demanded.
    ...Picollo was looking up at Nappa.  Picollo's clothes weren't ruffled, his skin wasn't singed, even the Hot Pocket he was munching on wasn't even a bit warmer.
    "I'm touching home base." Picollo answered.
    "D'OH!"

    "Go-gohan..." Picollo whispered.
    "What is it, Mister Picollo?" Gohan asked, teary-eyed as the Namekian began fading into the next dimension, thanks to Nappa's attack.
    INSERT YOUR FAVORITE LINE FROM BELOW HERE!
    "Green wizard is about to die!"
    "Green wizard needs food, badly."
    "Continue? Y/N"
    "Continue? 10...09...08...07..."
    "Insert Coin to Continue.  4 Credits Left.  10...09...08..."
    "Gohan.... under... the third block.... on Stage 1-3 is a..... 1-up.... get it...."
    "Gohan.... take... this.... fire flower..." *PT-PT-PT-PT-PT-PT*
    "Do it..... for..... the.... munchies...."
    "Hey, Gohan.... I'm.... like.... so..... baaaakked....."
    "Hey, Gohan.......I....see London..... I see France..."
    "It.... really.... was... better.... to have... Puffed and lost... than to have never Puffed.... at...... all....... Blossom... she is the (something something) leader.... Bubbles... she is the joy and the laughter.... Buttercup......... she is the toughest figh...ter...... Power....puffs save.... the day....-*"
    "Gohan, I'm so hungry, tell your mother!"
    ".... Gohan....... Juri Arisugawa..... is..... sagaciously witty...."
    "Is... any...one...else angry that.... Survivor.... actually.... got... the attention... that it did?" "YES!"
    "Gohan.... Sinfest.... is.... a delightfully amusing..... comic... by five-time Olympic Gold Medalist.... Tatsuya Ishida..... at http://www.sinfest.net/ .... aaaaaaaagGGGK!  MONIQUE HAS A MAGNIFICIENT A$$! AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHKK!  BRaAAGUGGGLLLLLLRK!!"
    "Dammit.... this is... supposed.... to be tragic.... not a comedy.... you f**king a$$holes....."  *flips off A-kun and TharzZzDunN*

    Nappa built up his power, preparing to erase Gohan from existance.  Opening his mouth wide, he spat a beam of power towards Gohan's terrified form.  Picollo leapt forward into the path of the attack and was engulfed in the light.  A massive explosion ensued, kicking up dirt and sand.  Eventually, it began to clear, revealing....
    "WHAT?!  How is that possible?!" Vegeta demanded.
    ...Picollo was looking up at Nappa.  Picollo's clothes weren't ruffled, his skin wasn't singed, even the Hot Pocket he was munching on wasn't even a bit warmer.
    "Simon didn't say." Picollo answered.
    Nappa's head exploded.

    "Go-gohan..." Picollo whispered.
    "What is it, Mister Picollo?" Gohan asked, teary-eyed as the Namekian began fading into the next dimension, thanks to Nappa's attack.
    "I want you to know, you can have... my stereo..."
    "YES!  SWEET!"
    "What are you giving me, Picollo?"
    INSERT YOUR FAVORITE LINE FROM BELOW HERE!
    "THIS! SUCK IT!" *Crotch chops*
    "MY FOOT UP YOUR ASS!"
    "The bill for my funeral service....." "You suck, Astro Boy."
    "Here.... this is..... the Crono Trigger.... Tell them... Frog died well.... And tell Magus.... I did.... his sister.... huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh...."
    "I pity the Foo'......*"
    "My...... TV.... Guide.... collection.... but.... only... the ones.... that the.... cats spit up on...." "I didn't know you had cats." "Oh... yeah.... big f**king tigers..... it's funny as hell.... when they.... cough up..... a whole.... man's head... or this one time... Mittens had this guy's a$$..... stuck in her molars.... look.... at this.... slideshow... I'll narrate...  Oh, this is.... from my vacation.... twenty years ago..... we'll work through... this... then.... get to the... other slides.... VEGETA!  WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?!" "Aaaah, to take a dump?" "YOU S#!T YOUR PANTS TEN MINUTES AGO, NOW GET BACK HERE AND SIT THE HELL DOWN WITH THE REST OF US!"

    Nappa built up his power, preparing to erase Gohan from existance.  Opening his mouth wide, he spat a beam of power towards Gohan's terrified form.  Picollo leapt forward into the path of the attack and was engulfed in the light.  A massive explosion ensued, kicking up dirt and sand.  Eventually, it began to clear, revealing....
    "WHAT?!  How is that possible?!" Vegeta demanded.
    ...Picollo was just fine.  Picollo's clothes weren't ruffled, his skin wasn't singed, and he seemed as startled as everyone else.  Only Nappa seemed to be understanding what had happened.
    "NAPPA!  What the hell just happened?" Vegeta demanded.
    "I MISSED ON A 9!  DAMMIT!  I SHOULD'VE WORKED UP MORE EXPERIENCE!" Nappa raved.
    "What are you talking about?" Vegeta growled.
    "MY THACO!" Nappa responded.
    Everyone face-faulted.
    (For non-RPGing freaks, THACO means To Hit Armor Class 0.  It's used in D&D, AD&D and Forgotten Realms to help and penalize players)

    "Go-gohan..." Picollo whispered.
    "What is it, Mister Picollo?" Gohan asked, teary-eyed as the Namekian began fading into the next dimension, thanks to Nappa's attack.
    "BLEARGH!"
    "JAYSUS CHROIST!!" "That green prick nailed me from a hundred yards with that spew!"
    The grinning Namekian faded in a pouf of smoke, leaving behind several keys, two clay jugs marked 'XXX', and a small wooden chest.  Gohan touched the chest, causing it to pop open and a flaming brand of wood rose into the air.
    "Congratulations Sir Gohan, you have found a Torch!"
    "Yes! A Torch!  WOO-HOO!  Krillin, do you know what this means?" Gohan exclaimed to his shiny-headed friend.
    "Yes Gohan, we can finally explore the Wizard's Wine Cellar without getting decapitated by a flying weasel!" Krillin high-fived his young, foul-smelling, friend as they danced the touchdown dance of victory.
    "Yeah, sucks to be Yajirobe."

    ------------

    And finally, what Halloween fic would be complete without some nice warnings and some debunking of myths.
    Fog lights do nothing in fog except make it a bright wall of misty water (No, not the Pokemon Trainer).
    Travel in groups for additional safety.
    Scary costumes are nice, but if you do wear black, make sure to have an easily visible sack (not THAT kind) or a bright light with you [The halogen sort to ward off annoying drivers] (What?  They offed the Torch Bearer again?!).
    Watch carefully for cars.
    If an approaching driver seems drunk, get off the road and as far to the side as possible.  The more a car has to turn in order to hit you, the less likely it actually will.
    Don't wear a restrictive costume if it keeps you from getting candy.
    Unless you know the person at the house to be a friend, never tell them who you are. (Sometimes, they give out crappy stuff just to you while other kids get tons of stuff)
    If you are at home, leaving a light on shows that you are giving out candy to Trick or Treaters.
    Only visit houses that have a light on.
    Tales From The Crypt's: Bordello of Blood is fun to watch if you like Dennis Miller and don't mind suggestions of rampant fornication and some lesbianism.
    Try to keep a jacket if you're up north.  Halloween tends to be colder than Hell up here (Actually, that's kinda easy).
    Alcohol doesn't equal fun.  Neither does smoking.  Police tend to bust parties like that.
    Be sure that a costume isn't too heavy or you'll have to stop trick or treating early.
    And have a spooky, but safe Halloween.

    Happy Halloween, you fools!  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

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