My initial gut feeling on this is that it's too explanatory. It feels
less like I'm watching the story unfold and more like it's being
distantly related by someone.
Part of the problem, I think, is that the narrator is trying to impose
value judgements on us. You will be disturbed, the story decrees. :)
IMO, it would be better to simply show the scene; give us the
characters' reactions, but let we the readers decide for ourselves what
*our* reactions are.
You mean replace the last sentence with their reactions? Or replace
the last two sentences? I'll see if this can be somehow changed.
I'm not sure how to interpret this. Is the kind and forgiving part
Akane's opinion of herself, or is the omniscient narrator telling us
this? If the former, I think it could be clearer. If the latter, it's
again a case of the narrator telling us what to think -- and in this
case it's especially unconvincing because Akane's actions in the story
don't really jibe with this statement.
"Akane really wanted to say that" is also rather vague. Can you describe
her feelings here more specifically?
It's the former.
For a moment it seemed as if Ukyou was fuming as Shampoo and Kodachi
were laughing. "Of course not. I just gave him some okonomiyaki
specially mixed with your cooking. Potent stuff that was."
Um... okay, but how would she have gotten her hands on some of Akane's
cooking?
She had leftovers from when Akane tried to cook okonomiyaki ^_^
Now it is known that when swallowed, the mushroom's magic can cause
whoever ate it to do anything and this includes telling the truth.
Then again, it never did go against anything as strong as Ranma's self-
denial.
Again, here's the narrator trying to explain things to us directly. This
kind of thing isn't very convincing.
Could change it so it describes what's going on inside of Ranma's mind.
All that was left of the girls were Ukyou and Akane. Seeing Akane's
stunned expression, Ukyou decided to talk with her. "Don't feel so
bad, Akane. He almost always ends up unintentionally hurting someone.
Remember the wedding? If you guys did go on with it my honor would
have been completely destroyed. Especially since you guys tried to
have it without informing me. Ranma wouldn't have realized that. In
the end someone might have their feelings torn up. Hopefully it won't
happen to anyone."
Gack. Sweet, noble, saintly Ukyo. Gag me with a spatula. :/
Heh, done completely on purpose for what she says next. Seems I got
the 'Saint Ukyou' description right ^_^
Seriously,
this characterization is very hard to reconcile with her actions in the
manga. And of course they informed her. She was even invited to the
ceremony!
I thought the other fiancees weren't supposed to be invited (or even
know about the wedding) and that the only reason they knew about it was
because of Nabiki's greed (I think Akane was shouting at her for
inviting them).
All Akane could do was say "Eh...." as she saw Ukyou leave the dojo.
Once she left, Akane turned her attention back to Ranma. <He didn't
say 'I love you.' back at Mount Phoenix. That means.... all this time
that I've been acting extra-nice to him and not doing anything when he
insulted me was for _nothing_! Even the time he tried to use my food
HAS she been acting extra nice to him? If that's the case, maybe you
should've showed it in the beginning.
Can add a scene earlier on that shows why Akane didn't want to knock
out Ranma.
First fanfic that I finished... yay.
Well, I'm sorry to have been so negative on it, but I calls 'em as I
sees 'em.
No problem.
Thanks for the C&C.
Ginrai