[The camera focuses on Knight and Gos having an animated conversation.]
Gos: Hey, Knight, you never did tell me about that weird baseball team.
Knight: Yeah I did. I told you they had really strange names. For
starters, Who is on first, What is on second, and I Don't Know is on third.
Gos: Who's on first?
Knight: Exactly.
Gos: No, no, no. Who is on first?!
Knight: I told you. Who's on first!
Gos: THAT'S WHAT I'M ASKING YOU!!!!
[Laura's voice comes over the ampitheater's speakers.]
Laura: Guys? Hate to break this up, but you're on.
Knight: Wha? Oh! Hi, and welcome to another edition of
Gos & Knight: K&G Fanfic Reviews!
Knight: Okay, it's a tentative title.
Gos: Anyway, no guest reviewers today. Not after that last one...
Knight: No worries, people, Phil the Dyslexic Zombie will NOT be
making another appearance on our show.
Gos: He tried to eat my freakin' BRAIN!
Knight: Must've wanted a light snack...
Gos: You jerk. [To camera]: Our next vict... err... fanfic is the
first chapter of Stallion by Chas Chas.
Knight: There an echo in here?
Gos: No, that's his handle. On with the fic!
[The camera switches to the Jumbotron, with Gos still talking.]
Gos: Okay, so who's on second?
Knight: No, who's on FIRST! WHAT is on second.
Gos: I give up...
============================
Well, try mine!
---------------------------------------------------
Knight: Eager, ain't he?
---------------------------------------------------
The disclaimer, practically every character here is NOT mine. They all
belong to their respective company. I am using a lot of them, so I can't
list them all. Beside, I am gonna add more series to the story later on.
Don't sue me. You won't get a penny out of me. Trust me, you won't. For
others, there are SOME characters I made up, but who cares? I don't.
---------------------------------------------------
Gos: Oh, THAT inspires confidence...
Knight: So, this is gonna be a huge crossover. You're ambitious,
Chas, I'll give you that.
-----------------------------------------------------
Ranma Crossover fanfic
first fanfic alert!!!
2nd draft alert!!!
---------------------------------------------------
Knight: Battle stations! All hands to battle stations!
----------------------------------------------------
and...
Ah heck, read at your own risk.
-----------------------------------------------------
Gos: Now I'm getting nervous...
-----------------------------------------------------
STALLION
Prologue.
A field.
-----------------------------------------------------
Knight: A field!
Gos: A female field!
Knight: Man, that joke stunk...
-------------------------------------------------------
A barren field, with nothing on it.
---------------------------------------------------------
Gos: I've never seen a barren field with anything else.
----------------------------------------------------------
No.
----------------------------------------------------------
Knight: Who asked you?
----------------------------------------------------------
There was someone, standing.
----------------------------------------------------------
Gos: You don't need that comma.
----------------------------------------------------------
It was a boy.
He couldn't see the face, but there was something familar about the boy.
Almost like a... memory?
The boy was crying.
In front of a body, the boy was crying.
-----------------------------------------------------
Knight: Okay, before we get too far into this, all these
double-spaces really aren't necessary. Every single line could be merged
into actual paragraphs.
Gos: I think I know what you're trying to do here, but the delivery
needs work. If my guess is right, you're trying to make us picture the
details like a jigsaw puzzle being put together. I like, but this approach
just doesn't sit too well.
-------------------------------------------------------
No.
Make that lots of bodies.
------------------------------------------------------
Knight: That last line sounds more like the author talking directly
to the reader than using narration.
Gos: Red alert! The fourth wall has been broken! Repeat...
Knight: Shut up, Gos...
-------------------------------------------------------
The field was full of dead bodies lying around. No wonder the boy was
crying.
-------------------------------------------------------
Knight: There it is, again. If this is someone else's line of
thought, make that more clear.
-------------------------------------------------------
'No......'
For some reason he felt this urge to shout out to the boy.
----------------------------------------------------------
Gos: Hate to nitpick, but "this" should be "the".
----------------------------------------------------------
'No, get away! Get away from here!!'
The boy got to get out of here, he thought.
It wasn't because of the dead bodies on the field.
It wasn't because the boy was crying.
He could feel IT was coming.
--------------------------------------------------------
Knight: Pennywise, the dancing clown?
Gos: You've been reading WAY too much Stephen King...
---------------------------------------------------------
No, he KNEW IT was coming.
IT was coming and IT was coming for the boy.
'Get out!! Run!! Before it's too late, hurry!!'
But no words came out of his mouth. In fact, he couldn't even feel his
whole body. It was as if he... didn't exist there.
Suddenly two hands bursted out of the boy's chest. Two hands then grab the
edge of the hole and began to pull it apart, enlarging a wound that was
already too fatal for a human, let alone a boy.
----------------------------------------------------------
Knight: If that's a Xenomorph, I'm outta here.
Gos: First, "bursted" should be "burst".
Knight: Second, define "too fatal". Fatal alone would do.
Gos: Third, you have a disagreement in tense here. The whole time
you've been using past tense, and now you use present for this paragraph.
You really should fix that.
Knight: I think that about wraps up this paragraph.
----------------------------------------------------------
But the most shocking thing was that all through this, the boy didn't seem
to feel a thing. The boy kept crying, heedless to what was happening to his
own body. Not a single scream made out of the boy's mouth except the
continuous sobbing full of sorrow and despair.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Gos: Okay, this is getting weird...
-----------------------------------------------------------
All he could do was just watching with horror.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Knight: Watching with horror? So THAT'S the other name for "Dances
With Wolves".
Gos: Replace "watching" with "watch".
-----------------------------------------------------------
Suddenly the cry stopped, and a man came out of the hole, totally tearing
the boy apart. Just as soon as the man stepped out on the field, the boy's
body melted into the air from the man's hands. Not even a trace was left of
the boy's body. Now there was only the man and the lying corpses on the
field.
--------------------------------------------------
Gos: You might want to switch "corpses" and "lying".
--------------------------------------------------
It took some time for him to recover from the terrible shock he just had
received. But it was nothing compared to what he was experiencing now.
'He is... he is... this can't be!!'
Before he could speak word, the man's head turned towards him. All he could
see now was the man's eyes. Deep, dark, and empty eyes. As he watched
speechlessly, the man's face distorted into a nasty, cruel smile......
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!"
----------------------------------------------------------
Knight: Okay, who said the secret word?
----------------------------------------------------------
It was at that moment when he finally woke up, just to find himself still in
his room.
"A, a dream?"
------------------------------------------------------------
Gos: An ellipses would work better than a comma.
------------------------------------------------------------
He then realized that he was now sitting on the puddle of his own sweat.
This made him feel rather relieved, though. He was in a real world, in real
flesh. It was a proof that what he just saw was only a dream. A Nightmare,
acutally.
'But I guess I gotta wash up. I feel awful. The dream, and the sweat...
Ewww.'
---------------------------------------------------------------
Gos: A wet nightmare?
Knight: I won't even touch that one.
---------------------------------------------------------------
So he stood up, not paying attention to the loud snoring of his roommate.
Faster he got cleaned up, the better. This was just another morning after
all. He didn't want to sound nor look weak, in a dream or not. Less people
know about this, better it is......
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Gos: Yeah, but how're you gonna explain those weird stains?
Knight: Don't oblige me to hurt you, Gos...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Setsuna was, as always, sitting alone in front of Time Gate. This should
come as no surprise, since it was her sworn duty to guard the Time Gate.
But her face displayed the emotion she rarely showed in over a millenium.
The Sensei of Time was worried, and she had a good reason for it. There was
a disturbance in the timeline.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Knight: I sense a disturbance in the Force.
Gos: And you call me weird...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The Senshi of Time Gate was well-known for her always calm demeanor even in
the face of apocalyptic crisis. But right now she was anything but calm.
She could feel a headache coming from all the strain that she felt had for
last two months. It took a lot of effort to cause a tiny speck on the
timeline. Right now, the size of the disturbance was nothing short of a
disaster of the universal scale.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Knight: The plot thickens.
Gos: In the third sentence, you have a couple of words transposed.
"Felt" and "had" should be switched around.
Knight: So, Setsuna is responsible for this disaster?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The worst part of all this, at least to Sailor Pluto, was that she had no
idea what the disturbance was.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Knight: Huh? From what I got earlier, she's RESPONSIBLE for it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Guarding the Time Gate had some benefits and one of them was that she could
always find out about the events before they even happened. But this time
she didn't see anything through the Gate, nor received a warning from her
future self. She had been sitting in front of the Time Gate for past two
month to find out what was disturbing the timeline. But all she got was her
woman's "intuition," screaming its head off warning "TROUBLE!! TROUBLE!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gos: Or it's just that time of the month again.
Knight: Gos...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whatever it was, she was sure that it was big, something really big.
Fortunately, or in some people's points of view UNfortunately, she was
rarely wrong involving the future. After all, that's what she has been
doing for millenia. Unfortunately, which in this case applies to all points
of view, she was also rarely confused like this time.
The part that really confused her was that whatever was coming, it wasn't
threatening but rather... familiar? It was chaotic in nature, but somewhat
stable at the same time. The magnitude of the disturbance was very
dangerous, but Setsuna couldn't help but to feel comfortable watching it.
But if this was something safe, why did she felt so worried? She asked
herself over and over again but she couldn't answer the question.
Setsuna sighed deeply. She had to do something if she was going to protect
the remaining members of the Moon Kingdom. Whatever the cause of this
disturbance was, the Princess must be safe to ensure the future of the Moon
Kingdom and she was going to do everything in her power to make sure of that.
If only she knew...
------------------------------------------------------------
Knight: Not bad, not bad. If the Senshi of Time doesn't know what's
going on, then things are bound to get interesting. I like the tone of this
part, I really do.
------------------------------------------------------------
One fact is known throughout the universe. You do not want to see angry
Washu. Of course, you do not want to see too HAPPY Washu either, especially
when she has you tied up in the experimental pod hanging on the ceiling.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Gos: Kinky!
Knight: That was sick, Gos.
------------------------------------------------------------
Sadly, Tenchi was in that very situation. Even more sadly, or rather,
horrifyingly, Washu was MAD.
'*gulp* Help.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Knight: My sentiments exactly.
Gos: Also, "horrifyingly" should just be "horrifying".
-----------------------------------------------------------
The Light Hawk(1) was now in a deep trouble, and he knew it. There she was,
the smartest, and the maddest, genius scientist in the universe, typing
frantically on her floating keyboard, with a frown that could melt an
iceberg by just telling the ice about it. Whatever it was, Washu was very
upset with it and that made the already-bad situation REALLY REALLY worse.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Gos: Okay, time for a quick deconstruct.
Knight: The footnote indicator has got to go. Author's notes are
fine, but you really don't have to footnote them. All that does is break up
the flow of the text.
Gos: The two "REALLY"s aren't necessary, either. The prose would go
better without them.
Knight: I know this is jumping a bit, but take out the "a" between
"in" and "deep" in the first sentence.
---------------------------------------------------------------
"Um, Washu-CHAN? Are you okay?"
----------------------------------------------------------------
Gos: There's no real need to put "chan" in all caps here. If
Tenchi's as nervous as he has every right to be, then that's out of place.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Washu made no reply to Tenchi's question, still busy with her keyboard.
Knowing too well about an upset female(after all, he lives with four of
them, very powerful ones at that(2)), Tenchi kept his mouth shut. He was
still alive and he wanted to keep it that way. Beside, Washu can take care
of her own problem, can't she?
------------------------------------------------------------------
Knight: Smart man. Anyway, you don't really need what's in
parentheses here. Again, that just breaks up the flow of the text.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
"I don't understand."
Of course, you don't often hear that sentence coming out of Washu, either.
Tenchi, out of curiosity, decided to take a chance and asked her.
"Um, what do you mean?"
"I don't understand this."
"Um, hehe, um, what are you talking about?"
"......"
'Uh-oh.' <Tenchi>
-------------------------------------------------
Gos: If this is Tenchi's thought, then say so. Don't put his name in
brackets like that. It also breaks up the text.
-------------------------------------------------
Then suddenly, Washu exploded.
------------------------------------------------
Knight: Eeeewwwwww...
------------------------------------------------
"AAAAAAACCKKKKKKKKK!!! This doesn't make sense at all!!!"
"EEEEEEEP! Washu-sa, I mean CHAN!!! Washu-CHAN!! Calm down!!"
"What's going on here? What the $%#%@$ is this? Why in the h***'s name is
it here?!? WHERE IS THIS FREAKING SOB!?!?!?!!"
--------------------------------------------------
Gos [as Washu]: HAVE ANY OF YOU M*^(#&#((S SEEN MY D((*N SOB?!
--------------------------------------------------
Tenchi was confused. Washu didn't even notice his slip. He didn't even
want to imagine what would've happened if she did especially in such foul
mood. Whatever was disturbing her, it seemed that it had nothing to do with
him.
'Well, I won't be in any more experiment now, as long as she doesn't pay
attention to me. That's fine with me. Then I should at least be safe.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Gos: There's a couple of ways to re-do this. You can either make
"experiment" plural...
Knight: Or you can take out "more". Either way would work.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
It was right at that moment when Washu exploded again.
--------------------------------------------------
Knight: Man, that girl needs to come with a warning label...
-------------------------------------------------
"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!! This is driving me crazy!!!!!!"
Then Washu smashed the keyboards out of frustration, which was very unusual
thing for her to do.Then the keyboard malfunctioned, which was very unusual
thing for Washu's machine to do.
So Tenchi was now in BIG trouble, which was very usual thing for him to be.
----------------------------------------------------
Gos: I kinda like this style of humor prose.
----------------------------------------------------
He knew that, and knew that well. Tenchi screamed his lung out.
----------------------------------------------------
Knight: Hey, Gos, I didn't know Tenchi only had one lung.
Gos: I think he donated it to science.
Knight: While he was still alive?
Gos: Washu. Jurian DNA. Think about it.
----------------------------------------------------
"HHHHEEEELLLLPPPP!!!!!"
Unfortunately no one was there to listen. Washu was there, but she wasn't
listening.
The pod suddenly turned into a torture chamber. It stretched, shrank,
twisted, and spun. Tenchi, being tied to it, stretched, shrank, twisted,
and spun with it, making unholy sounds in every part of his body.
CRACK! CRUNCH! POW! CRASH!
-------------------------------------------------------------
Knight: Holy cheap sound effects, Batman!
-------------------------------------------------------------
"OW! OUCH! AACK! KEK! UMPH!"
All the while, Washu was oblivious to the outside noise, in deep thought.
'What was that disturbance? What did my sensors pick up? I thought it was
Tenchi-dono at first, but his data hasn't changed at all. Somehow,
somewhere on this planet, there was a huge energy spark that almost broke my
sensors. I have been looking for it for two months now! Only possible
origin I could think of that magnitude is the Juraian Power inside of
Tenchi-dono, but it's not! What else could there possibly be? Whatever it
is, I will find it! I must! After all, I am the greatest...'
"Mommy..."
"...mommy in the universe!! Huh? That didn't come out right. Who was
that? OOPSIE."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Knight: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Gos: That was just TOO funny. Not bad.
------------------------------------------------------------
Washu turned around to find Tenchi, still in the pod which was now stretched
at the bottom and shrank at the top, all the while twisted and spinning.
Washu hurriedly turned off the machine. Now the pod was dangling in the
ceiling only by a strand of string. Washu scratched her head.
'He is already passed out, thankfully. But when he wakes up, he's
definitely gonna feel it.'
Snap!
CRASH!!!!!!!!!!
'Yep, he's definitely gonna feel it.'
------------------------------------------------------------------
Gos: That oughtta leave a mark
Knight: By the way, Chas, you really ought to put some kind of line
between one scene of the story and another. It makes the change less abrupt.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Urd."
-----------------------------------------------------
Knight: Excuse me.
-----------------------------------------------------
"Huh? Why?"
-----------------------------------------------------
Gos: Because that's what you usually say.
-----------------------------------------------------
"Are you sure this is the place?"
"How many time do I have to tell you? YES, I AM SURE!"
"THEN WHY CAN'T WE FIND ANYTHING HERE?!?"
"Um, that is..."
--------------------------------------------------------
Gos: Because good Chinese food is so hard to find?
--------------------------------------------------------
The goddess of the past, and self-proclaimed goddess of love(despite not
being able to solve her own love problem), was lost in words. It wasn't her
style to plan ahead, so it wasn't all that rare for her to be stuck in her
own words like this.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Knight: You have "words" twice in the same paragraph. You want to
avoid repetition.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Right now Urd was with her youngest sister in the other part of the city,
far from her home. They had been searching for something for last hour, but
with no avail. It was Urd's idea to come all the way here in the first
place, so she couldn't say anything to her sister's accusing tone.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Gos: Okay, this paragraph starts out kinda funny. They were in the
other part of the city from whom? "In the city" would do much better.
----------------------------------------------------------------
"Beside, why can't Belldandy-neesan come with us? I know she has some
houseworks to do, but I really don't like leaving her alone with Keiichi!"
------------------------------------------------------------------
Knight: Housework.
Gos: Also, these fics are primarily written in English. We tend to
avoid gratuitous use of Japanese while writing, except when there's no real
translation handy. Using Japanese in an English fic this way kinda upsets
the flow of the words.
Knight: Also, not every one on the list speaks Japanese. Some might
not know what "Belldandy-neesan". means. That could throw them off.
Gos: It's just a matter of preference, really. Use your own judgment.
------------------------------------------------------------------
"Ah, come'n. He isn't that bad. Beside, what could possibly happen?
------------------------------------------------------------------
Knight: That would be "c'mon".
-----------------------------------------------------------------
This's Keiichi we are talking about."
"Well, you are right. But still..."
"Just forget it and let's look for that thing, shall we?. I'm sure they'll
be fine."
'They better be more than fine,' Urd thought. It wasn't that often when
those two can be by themselves. It was especially hard when Belldandy's
over-protective younger sister was around. So Urd brought Skuld with her so
the two lovebirds can have some "quality" time together. 'She is such a
trouble maker,' Urd thought as she smiled at her youngest sister(3).
Then she frowned. It had been two months since she felt a mysterious power
surfacing in the city. Even Skuld was able to pick it up(even though it
cost her another electrical gadget she was working on). But even Belldandy
couldn't tell what it was either. When they called their Office to inquire,
their father couldn't give an answer.
'Or wouldn't. What is he hiding?'
10 minutes later.
"Urd."
-------------------------------------------------
Knight: Man, what did you eat, Gos?
Gos: Shut up, Knight.
-------------------------------------------------
"Huh? What's it?"
"Let's go home~."
"Eh? What'cha you mean? We've been here for only an hour."
----------------------------------------------------
Knight: Huh?
Gos: I didn't know Urd spoke with a phony Italian accent.
Knight: You should fix that to read "What do you mean" or something
along those lines.
-----------------------------------------------------
"But we can't find anything! My "Mr. Looky"(4) isn't picking up anything.
Let's come back again later with Belldandy-neesan, neh? She is good at
those kind of things. Pleasssssseeee?"
"...good at only those kind of things. If she was good at EVERYTHING then I
wouldn't have to bring YOU around..." Urd muttered.
"Urd? Did you say something?"
"No-nothing. Okey-dokey, kiddo. Let's go home. We're not finding anything
anyway."
"Yay!"
With that, Skuld ran to the closest water puddle. Sighing, Urd turned to
the nearest TV shop. It was true. She couldn't find anything anyway. Even
though she was sure that the mysterious power was in this town, she couldn't
pinpoint the exact location. She just came here because it was the last
place she had felt the power resonating. In fact, the entire point of this
search was mainly to give Keiichi some time alone with Belldandy. If they
DID find something, it would have been a side benefit.
'Yeah, as if things would be THAT easy.'
She rolled her eyes as the thought crossed her mind, and she walked through
a big TV screen, not noticing a wide-eyed salesperson staring at her
disappearing into the TV.
-------------------------------------------------------
Gos: Again, you have a word repeated in a paragraph. You really want
to avoid doing that.
-------------------------------------------------------
"KEIICHI! WHAT DID YOU DO TO BELLDANDY-NEESAN!?!"
"No, nothing! I swear! This is just misunderstanding!!"
"LIAR! WHY ELSE WOULD BANPEI-KUN ATTACK YOU??"
"I don't know! I swear! I really didn't do anything!!"
Urd sighed, as she heard Skuld's shouting and Keiichi's whimpering as she
arrived at the living room through their TV.
'Banpei. Forgot about that. I should have done something with it.'
It seemed that Keiichi failed at another romantic attempt... Typical day at
home, Urd mused.
"KEIICHI, YOU PERVERT!"
KONG!
"Ouch!!!!"
"Oh, Skuld. Welcome home. Oh my! KEIICHI-SAN!! Are you okay?"
'Typical day indeed...'
At the same time, inside a downtown TV shop,
"Sir! A woman, blonde, gorgeous, tanned, TV, big screen, walk, through,
disappeared, a woman, gorgeooooouuus, DISAPPEARED, TV!!!!!"
-----------------------------------------------------------
Knight: Dimple monkey twice the pudding octopi for Tangoman.
Gos: I'm sensing a little confusion...
----------------------------------------------------------
"Sigh. Kasuke. Didn't I tell you not to drink so much last night? Why
don't you take a break?"
-----------------------------------------------------------
Knight: Okay. "Sigh" is a sound effect, so you shouldn't just have
the character say it. That really ruins the effect.
Gos: Try something like "The other man sighed" or something along
those lines.
----------------------------------------------------------
"Not, beer, drink, TV, gorgeous!!!!"
"I know our TV's are gorgeouse. That's our shop name. 'Gorgeous TV's.'"
---------------------------------------------------------
Gos: You misspelled "gorgeous" there.
---------------------------------------------------------
"Not, woman, big, screen, breast, a woman!"
"You need a girlfriend, Kasuke."
Prologue ends.
----------------------------------------------------------
Gos: Notes begin.
----------------------------------------------------------
(1) Tenchi can summon three Wings of the Light Hawk. I am just calling him
because I think it's a suitable nickname for him. End of discussion!
----------------------------------------------------------
Knight: O-kay....
Gos: What are you calling him?
-----------------------------------------------------------
(2) It is true Tenchi is living with 6 females, 7 if you count Ryo-oki, and
8 if you count Kiyone who comes out in the TV series(She appeared in the 2nd
edition of the OAV briefly, but that's just because she got popular in the
earlier TV series). For the record, I will use OAV series for the main
storyline of Tenchi Muyo but I will put Kiyone too. She is just too good to
be ignored ^^ Ahem! My point is, Sasami is a very sweet kid and she rarely
gets angry with Tenchi. Mihoshi is a bubble head so she practically NEVER
gets angry. Ryo-oki? Don't even mention it. Mayuka is a pre-schooler by
now. However four of those females get angry in regular interval. Ayeka?
Because of Ryoko. Ryoko? Because of Ayeka. Kiyone? Because of Mihoshi.
Washu? Mainly because of Mihoshi. That's why I am mentioning only "four" here.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Gos: So, this is "Tenchi for Dummies".
Knight: That was a bit long-winded. I think you should have ditched
these notes, or at least shortened them, and answered these questions as
readers put them to you.
Gos: Hey, why are we reviewing the author's notes?
Knight: Other MSTers do it, why not us?
--------------------------------------------------------------
One of the readers : "But you didn't mention Mayuka in the previous
draft...?"
You again!! Why don't you just rest in peace!?!?!
TADADADADADADA!
Ignore this machine gun in my hand, and please keeping sending me C&C's.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Knight: Has anyone ever told you that you have a SEROIUS anger
control problem!
--------------------------------------------------------------
(3) As if you are not, Urd.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Gos: Huh? I'm not Urd. Are you?
Knight: Nope.
---------------------------------------------------------------
(4) I don't know why but Skuld seems to be lacking a sense in naming her
gadgets. I thought if she doesn't, why should I give her one now?
3rd draft. I read through this again and I can't help hitting myself over
and over. What kind of idiocy made me think that I can write a fic?!?!
Well, I will end what I started. Thank you again for all of your comments.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Gos: No problem.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
For any C&C, send it to chaspark@hotmail.com
------------------------------------------------------------------
Knight: Huh? You volunteering to do C&C work?
Gos: Generous fella.
------------------------------------------------------------------
[The camera fades in on Knight and Gos, who are busy munching popcorn.]
Knight: Not too shabby, Chas. I like how you're not revealing too
much, and just hinting at something very bad coming. Nice.
Gos: But the main problem here is the delivery. What you need to
work on is, for one, descriptive prose. The opening scene could have really
used some.
Knight: Also, you really need to work on formatting. Double-spacing
between paragraphs should be reserved for changes in character perspectives.
Like when you switch from Tenchi to Washu. That makes POV shifts easier to
detect.
Gos: And you really should use something to denote a change in
scene. Use a short row of dashes or asterixes. As it stands now, the changes
in scenes could wind up with some readers getting lost and wondering just
what happened.
Knight: I like the premise so far, though, and I look forward to more.
Gos: Actually, we DO have more.
Knight: Huh?
Gos: Chas sent us the later parts. All seven of them.
Knight: WHAT?! [To camera]: Okay, we must have forgotten to mention
this, but PLEASE don't send us your entire fic.
Gos: Just one chapter at a time, please. We don't really have the
time to MST an entire series at one whack.
Knight: Anyhoo, this has been another Knight and Gos MSTing. Until
next time!
[The camera fades out while Knight and Gos keep talking.]
Knight: Like I said, Who's on first.
Gos: I don't know.
Knight: No, he's on third.
Gos: What?
Knight: Second base.
Gos: I don't give a darn!
Knight: He' s the shortstop.
Gos: RRRAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!
============================================
This was not meant to insult Chas Chas, his fanfic, or anything
else. All opinions in this MST are my own, and do not reflect the entire
FFML community.
Knight Writer.