ffml-bounce@fanfic.com wrote:
[Synopsis List Review Newbie Patrol presents:]
[An MST3K of 'That Which Does Not Kill You: Chapter 1]
This is a Revised copy of the first 3 chapters. I lost my Prereaders
so this may be a little slipshod. Feel Free to e-mail any comments ,
suggestion ,or criticism but I'm fireproof so flames will just go out.
C: Damn you! YOUR FIC STINKS, YOU STINK AN' I WON'T TELL YOU WHY ^_^
Just kidding, just kidding. ^_^ Well, I've been doing my job as c&cer for newbies eversince SLR NP came out... but this is my first _official_ one. Well, well... will wonders ever cease?
;^_^;;: To answer that question... let's make it an MST for goodness sake!
^_^x: And just to make it more interesting... instead of getting half-assed comments from OOC characters from two totally different series... you'll be getting...
;^_^;;: Half-arsed comments from IC characters! (insert bishonen smile #34... a smile showing open friendliness and familiarity... I think...) Isn't that right, Himura-san?
^_^x: Hai, Kurama-san!
;^_^;;: Forgetting something, Kenshin...
^.^x: Oro?
;^_^;;: There we go... particular overuse of a one liner to over-emphasize IC, albeit running into cliche'!
C: ........ why an MST? Well... er... that's because of the little thing with the _whole_ in the SLR NP...
^_^x: Yup.... the both of them.
;^.^;;: (idly whistling)
C: So, here we are! The more the merrier! SLR NP Ranja, GO!!!
;^,^;;: Sorry, Chester-kun... I won't ride on with that.
^^x;: Oro?
<<snippage throughout>>
This is My first attempt at a Fanfic so all you C&C er's out there
Please be Gentle.
C: Sure. (cracking knuckles)
An I was Bored and there was nothing Better to do Production
C: Well, I'm sure that being bored to being Bored has a very notable distinction.
;^_^;;: Well... author notes should have proper sentence doings, even though they _are_ a bit informal, should at least have even a bit of proper structure. Totally IMO, but maybe you should put author notes at the end?
The Characters Speech will be Translated to English Except where I feel
it is Inappropriate.
C: I'm Noticing a Pattern here.
^^x;: Oro?
;^_^;;: We Get the Idea Already!
^^x;;: Oro?
C: Well, as your constant capitalizing is particularly good for a humorous and informal effect in author notes... as well as in fanfics themselves... there's still that tendency to overuse. Too much of anything can be annoying, at times.
^^x;;;: Ororo?
C: ....... riiight.
........................................................................
.........................................
@.@x: ..................
;@_@;;..................whoah. Headtrip.
C: Get rid of them excess periods... put the line in about the same length as your paragraphs. Just that particular second '......'
;^^;;: (looks around) Nani? No title for the first chap? Mou!
The individual in question was a 5'9" auburn haired youth wearing a vest
and jeans.
C: A nice, straightforward approach, I see. I usually prefer high-faluting, wordy stuff, but that's just me. There's no rule to style except preference.
"Thank you. I hope so too." Said the boy , although not as
enthusiastically .
"Thank you... I hope so too," said the boy , although not as
enthusiastically .
^_^x: The quote is part of the sentence, that's why there should be a comma.
"The address says it's this way. Hope it's not to far or hard to find."
Thought the boy.
"The address says it's this way. Hope it's not to far or hard to find,"
thought the boy.
;^_^;;: The comma is your friend. Use it.
C: Interesting thing? This is the same thing I had problems with during my 'newbie'ship in the FFML... as you lost your prereaders, I have you know that they're a gem to be cherished to which no spell checker can ever compare.
After wandering the streets for a little while he
finally found the right street and asked for directions to the Juuban
Apartment Complex (1).
;^o^;;: NEWBIE ALERT! NEWBIE ALERT! Common tendency of newbies #1!
C: (sigh) Can you please look it up, Himura-san?
^_^x: Hai! Let's see... (goes to the bottom page, copies and pastes the note onto a quote) "(1) if anyone Knows the actual name of this Building Please mail Me."
C: Well... for one thing, I dunno what anything about a Juuban Apartment Complex. I've watched only the anime. Sue me.
;^_^;;: For another... it's common for most fanfiction newbies to have notes all around their fics. Now, this may work well with those old school textbook editions of E. A. Poe's "The Cask of Amontillado," but for readers not too be _too_ annoyed, we would suggest you digress from using that.
C: It ain't wrong. It's just not preferred.
A helpful old man pointed out that they were just
up the street and after thanking him the youth waked to the building and
inside.
C: Gee... the pacing is...
;^_^;;: ... a bit on the...
^_^x: ... dragging side...
C: ... whereas...
;^_^;;: ... we dun...
^_^x: ... get...
C: ... to the point...
;^_^;;: ... immediately... ;^_^;;
^_^x: Actually, it's not _that_ much dragging... only that this is the first part of your fic. The very first thing the readers will be reading onto, of course. The old man, at this point, seems superfluous.
;^_^;;: So, the fact of the matter is, these are the crucial stages for the growth of your fic... as well as catching the attention of your reader's attention. So far, it's some guy in Juuban. Put a bit more gravity in your sentence as to _why_ we should read this fic.
C: Furthermore... this is in three chapters? Well, for my own personal preference... I prefer, even if this is a sort-of repost (I presume it is, since it's a revised copy), three separate chapters. A whole clump full of chaps doesn't work too well with me as three separate _short_ chapters. I'm lazy that way.
;^_^;; & ^_^x: (nods knowingly)
C: ........
"Lets see,"
"Let's see,"
^_^x: I see that you already know the particular rule about commas from your sentence below... only that you forgot to apply it to quotations not divided into two statements.
the boy thought," the address says apartment 316A ."
After careful deliberation he decided that three flights of stairs with
2 suitcases and a backpack were a little much so he took the elevator.
;^_^;;: Genius, isn't he?
^_^x: Er... perhaps a simple "He looked around for the Juuban Apartment Complex" will do? The whole details about the station, etc. are all too extraneous, in my humble opinion.
C: So far, nothing's happening, and you're giving all the details about _that_. I would suggest giving us a reason to read the fic as is, and not beat around the bush too much.
Arriving on the third floor he smelled something exquisite cooking in
one of the apartments.
"Well now," he thought," if it smells this good all the time I could get
^
^^x: You dun need that space.
to like this place."
;^^;;: Talking you are about what the hell? (What the hell?)
^.^x;: Bad, that it ain't Kurama-san. (It ain't that bad, Kurama-san.)
C: The grammar is a bit off here... awkward, really. I dunno... what I think you're trying to convey is:
As he smelled the exquisite aroma of food coming from one of the apartments, he thought, "Hmmm... not bad. I could get used to this."
I know, I know... half of what he was trying to say was taken off... but this is somewhat better because less is more... there is such a thing as overstating, ne?
After a few moments of checking he found 316A and
knocked on the Door. A few moments later the door opened to show Makoto
;^.^;;: Makoto? Makoto who?
C: It's Major Makoto Kusanagi... another victim of senseless fanservice!
;^-^;;: Ohhh... aren't they all?
C: (magical girl) In the name of justice and love, I will punish you! Now, lemme get inexplicably nekkid to tranform into something cute and indecent, while proclaiming a stand against indecency and somesuch!
^_^x: Oro? (ahem) Though it's a given people should have at least some basic understanding of Sailor Moon... the introduction of Makoto Kino here has been downplayed somewhat.
in an apron and the sweet smell grew in the hall.
"Excuse me are you Makoto?" The boy asked.
a. "Excuse me... are you Makoto?" the boy asked.
b. "Excuse me, are you Makoto?" the boy asked.
c. "Excuse me," the boy asked, "are you Makoto?"
;^^;;: Pick one!
^_^x: Oooh! Oooh! The third one! The third one's kinda cute!
C: Another 'why not?' suggestion would be using something formal, like Kino-san or something... unless they're already intimately familiar, they wouldn't be on a first name basis, would they? "Makoto Kino, I presume?" or something similar.
"Yes and you must be Sho." she smiled and said.
;^.^;;: Suggest taking off 'smiled,' it just doesn't belong there.
^_^x: Use some adjectives or adverbs instead. Or maybe just put in 'smile' without the 'said,' they don't exactly go well with each other.
"Yes, Sho Ishogi at your service." he said as he bowed with a
flourish.
;^_^;;: Japanese usualy bow formally.
^_^x: It's usually those foreigners that do not address the simple courtesy of bowing and play with it as such!
C: Or maybe it's just a nitpick... as far as I know, Japanese take into consideration bowing as much as we do on handshakes... any deviance... say, prolonged handshaking or tighter grip, as well as bowing with a flourish (?)... would usually convey a different message.
"Bring in your stuff and I'll serve you some dinner while we get
you unpacked and settled in." said Makoto.
C: ...? Just met, and this? And I thought Filipinos were hospitable ^_^
;^^;;: So far... nothing yet has been shown as to who this boy is, what's he doing in Juuban, why he's so readilly accepted by Makoto... instead of taking so long describing his going from point A train station to point B Mako-chan's residence, you could have just at least hinted at the "who, what, why" of Sho Ishogi.
^^x: Even though it's apparent that he's a stranger, by Makoto asking, "Yes and you must be Sho," he was still easilly taken in by Mako-chan. Though he isn't necessarily a Annoying New Character yet, he has ANC tendencies... that is, being easilly trusted by people around him, even if he's a complete stranger.
A few hours had passed during which Sho ate and unpacked into
^
^_^x: Er... put in a subject over there, like "Sho ate food (creative, ne?)" or something... just to avoid confusion and to make the sentence more formal.
the small spare room. They had talked a little during the move and now
were
;^_^;;: Interchange were and now. In speech it's ok to be informal... in narration, to be sure, the author must try to more or less make sense with what he's narrating.
sitting in the kitchen and talking.
"Sho I've been meaning to ask you,
^
C: Comma.
;^_^;;: You look like you're in one.
C: .....shut up.
If you're an American Exchange
student why are your looks and speech so Japanese?" Makoto asked
"Oh, that one is simple my father was the grandson of a Japanese
^
C: Period. Run-on.
;^_^;;: Get. A. Life. Get. Some. Life.
C: ...... Kurama no baka!
(SQUEEK! SQUEEK!)
^.^x: Whassat?
C: .... damn. It's am inflatable squeeky mallet. (SQUEEK! SQUEEK!)
;^v^;;: Heh heh! No violence around h--(mmrpph!)
^.^x;: That's not nice, Chester-kun... stuffing that inflatable squeeky mallet over his mouth...
immigrant who came to America in 1909, and my mother is a Japanese
student who fell in Love and attained citizenship 17 years ago. So if
you want to be real technical I'm only American by birth and education
both of my parents were of Japanese descent." Sho explained. "Also that
is why I speak such natural Japanese I'm bilingual because my mother
spoke Japanese and little English so I learned to speak Japanese For my
mother." ^
C: You dun need to capitalize... particularly since this isn't necessarily a humorous moment or meant to be one.
"Well that makes sense.
^
;^c^;;: Repeat after me... ~The comma is my friend, use it til the end... try to make amends by seeing through this trend!~
Did you learn anything else from your
parents?" Makoto asked.
"Does being a 4th degree Black Belt in Jujitsu count. "Sho
smiled. ^
^_^x: (Sho) That's a statement, not a question. ^_^
C: Put in a question mark over there, since it's in question form. Even if a character meant a question to be a statement, it is usually still ended with '?'
Makoto stared thinking "Good looks and discipline, thank you
Kami."
;^.^;;: Oh Kami... sound the alarms! ANC alert! ANC alert!
^_^x: (Makoto) Kami-sama... despite the fact that he can't compare with my sempai or the fact thathe's a complete stranger... I can't help myself! (blush) Of course he's cute and disciplined and I completely trust him from the start! That's what the author told me to do!
"4th Degree Black in Jujitsu. I only know a couple of people in this
city who are that good and even less who are better." Makoto stated.
"It was nothing, my dad was an instructor and I started training
as soon as I could walk." Sho stated proudly.
^.^x: (Makoto) Ranma, is that you?
"I also know a little of
the Shinto religion from my mother she was a Shinto priestess in
training when she decided to go to school in America and gave it up."
C: Of course you were...
;^_^;;: (author) Hmmm... yes, yes... he's a martial artist teen and... and... a shinto priestess! Yeah, that's it! His mother was once a shinto priestess... oh, while we're at it, let's make him Endymion's brother! He'll be Sailor Dirt--I mean, Earth! A-and he'll have a kame-hame-ha like powers, and laser beams and...
"Oh really I'll have to introduce you to my friend Rei she is a
Shinto priestess in training at the shrine on Cherry Hill." Makoto
started
^_^x: (Makoto, smacking herself) What a coincidence!
;~,~;;: (Author, sneezes)
,"But watch what you say around her she has a little temper
problem."
;^_^;;: (Sho) Ohaiyo!
C: (Rei) ... DIE, SCUM!!!
"It must be part of the training my mother could verbally flay
someone who set her off and boy does she set off easily." Sho laughed.
C: ... and then took in short breaths as it was hard for him to say his run-on sentence in one breath.
Just then there was a knock at the front door. Makoto went over
to the door and walked back with Minako and Artemis in tow. "Sho , I'd
like you to meet my good friend Minako Aino and her little friend there
is Artemis, Minako this is Sho Ishogi , a Foreign Exchange Student from
America. He'll be staying here with me during the school year." Makoto
introduced.
"Good to meet you, hopefully you and Makoto can be my friends
while I'm here." Sho Bowed deeply.
C: As opposed to bowed deeply, which, in essence, cannot quite compare to a deep Bow.
;^_^;;: Nitpicker.
C: Nu-uh! This is very contructive criticism!
Minako's eyes lit up as Sho bowed and her brain went into
boywatching mode" Good looking and polite I think I'll be visiting
Makoto a lot lately"
C: wtf?
;^^;;: Lemmme get this straight... Minako will be visiting Makoto (in the near future) lately (at present)? Man, that's... I dunno what it is, man...
^^x: Let's put it this way... fix tenses. If you meant future, stick to future tense, if present, present tense... etc. etc.
She thought. Minako turned to Makoto " Oh , I
almost forgot why I came over," Minako started," Rei , Ami , Usagi and I
were going shopping at the mall this evening and were wondering if you
wanted to tag along. Sho I'm sure the girls wouldn't mind a new face at
^
;^_^;;: You know what to do.
the mall with them, if you want to come too." ,Minako smiled thinking
^ ^
space comma
"At least this one won't."
C: Er... Sho's face won't mind the girls? Maybe you were aiming for "At least they won't with this one," though _that_ sentence in itself is awkward. I suggest revising somewhat said sentence.
"I'll go if Makoto goes , else I'll probably never find my way
back." Sho Smiled
^,^x: (Makoto) Oh... so it's you, Ryoga-kun?
After he left Minako whispered to Makoto. "By Kami he is gorgeous."
Artemis laughed at this.
C: (Artemis) Hahahaha. Minako and Makoto have fallen for the old ANC mind trick and I find it humorous. Hohohoho. Hahahaha.
Makoto glared at Minako "Hey I saw him first and he's staying
with me!"
Minako eeped and backed up a step" Chill out I was just commenting."
^ ^
put it beside 'Chill' comma (sigh)
"Sorry that was a little possessive of me." Makoto apologized.
^_^x: (Makoto) My, my... I apologize for my possessiveness, Minako-san.
;^_^;;: (Minako) Think nothing of it, Makoto-san. I was merely commenting on the handsomeness of this particular individual, nothing more.
As Sho walked back in he handed a box to Makoto and Minako.
"What's this?" The girls stereoed
"A surprise." Sho grinned evilly and said.
;^_^;;: ... as he crossed his fingers, anticipating his inflatable tentacle monster toy to be a hit among the girls...
^^x: Grinned evilly?
The girls opened the boxes and ahh'ed .
^c^x & ;^c^;;: (Makoto & Minako) Ahh'ed.
Minako's box held a
charm bracelet with a heart on it. Makoto's had about $200 American in
Yen.
^,^x: $200 American?
;^,^;;: In yen?
C: Somehow, that didn't quite sound right...
"Oh Sho you didn't have to do this we just met." said Minako.
;-_-;;: Oh bother. Comma, spacing, run-on... you know the drill.
"Ya Sho you didn't ." Makoto echoed
^_^x: (Makoto) Like, ya! Totally! (giggle)
C: I suggest... Makoto simply nodded in silent agreement, 'coz I myself do not know what to suggest for that particular statement.
"Yes I did . The money is to help with my staying here and the
charm bracelet, well, I brought some gifts for when I made some friends
and Minako seems friendly." Sho explained.
;^_^;;: ... to which the girls stereod "Huh?"
C: The sentence is in mish-mash here... at first it sounds like the money was there as payment for Sho and the charm baracelet's stay in Makoto's apartment... then it becomes a run-on with different tenses (made some friends... Minako seems friendly...) which almost rendered the whole thing as nonsense. Suggest:
"Yes I did. The money is payment for my stay here, Mako-chan. The bracelet, on the other hand," Sho smiled, "was bought for friends... and Minako seemed friendly enough."
Or something. I'm sure you can easilly fix this.
"In that case we'll take them." The girls said after a few
moments thought.
;^_^;;: That's right... let 'few moments' do the thinking!
^_^x: I would suggest putting 'of' before 'thought' and after 'moments'
"Then shall we go."
C: Question statement, comma usage. Sorry, no half-arse jokes... wait, does this count?
Said Sho as he thought, "My God I'm going
shopping with two beautiful girls ,and, I haven't even seen what the
other 2 look like." ^
^ DUN put a comma over there
use two instead
After about a half-hour walk they arrive at the temple . Minako and
Makoto walk right in with Sho right behind them.
C: About your sentences being straightforward? I'll tell you about them later in the ending notes...
Makoto and Sho were barely inside the shrine when Ami asked. "Why are
all the intelligent good looking ones taken." Ami Sighed .
C: It has been confirmed.
^,^x: (noddding eagerly)
;^_^;;: Code Red, we have an ANC!
C: Damn... what about the plot!?
^.^x: There was one?
;^.^;;: (shrugging) News to me.
"So you're staying with Makoto." Said Rei after being
introduced.
"Yes. By the way I have something for you. Makoto said you were
a Shinto priestess in training so I thought you might like This." Sho
said as he held out a Haraigushi(2).
;^^;;: Ummm....
C: Why'd you put in the ending notes "Haraigushi" as well? I still have no idea what it is.
"Oh this is made in the old style where did you get this!?" Rei
asked.
"My mother used to be a Shinto priestess in training herself.
She made me two in case I lost mine but I thought it would make a nice
gift so it's yours." Sho smiled.
C: Suggest: So Sho related the story of his mother being once a Shinto priestess.
"He's so thoughtful and a hunk too." Rei Thought. "I appreciate
this Sho , I can use one this well made." Rei thanked him.
C: Ahhh... so the plot totally rests upon...
;^^;;: ... this supposed hunk...
^^x: ... who came into Juuban for no rhyme nor reason...
(all three look at each other)
(and shudder)
"Sho, Sho hello anyone home."
;^^;;: Remember the comma ditty? Here's more... ~Question mark, question mark... signifies I'm in the dark... as the sentence form inquires,the said mark is what is desired.~
She says while waving a hand in
front of his eyes. he shakes his head as his eyes return to normal.
"That was strange I saw five planets and then the moon in quick
succession . Then I saw your hand and was back here." Sho said a little
in awe.
"And this was your first Try." Rei asked .while Makoto sat
digesting what he had just said.
;^^;;: His First Try.
^^x: Is it anyway like the First Lady?
C: Aw gawd... ANC tendency no. 2... incredible skills... or so the author says...
"Why, yes I am." started Usagi," Minako tells me you are staying
with Makoto, Sho."
"She has been very kind to let me stay as a guest in her home
while I'm in Japan."
;^_^;;: Ah yes... the old exchange student routine. Been there, done that...
^_^x: Seen it a dozen times... gaijin goes to Japan, strangely becomes Japanese for some reson, lands on his fave series, has a dozen or so abilities similar to the residents (so as to establish kinship and relation), be seen as an extraordinary person with handsome looks, great skills, etc. Yup... seen this one coming a mile away.
Usagi (already halfway through the box) mumbles around the gummy
Taffy ,"Thamk oo Shuu."
C: Ahh... stereotyping. Dun you just love it?
^^x: Oro?
"Yes. I'll go catch up with the girls and this Sho and you stay
here in case there is trouble. I may need backup and if we both go noone
C: Typo.
is left to pull our fat from the fryer." Artemis replied.
"Ok ,but you're the only fat one here." Luna said in a sarcastic
voice.
C: ?
;^^;;: I dun get it.
"This is Great," thought Sho, "Here I am in Japan only a few
hours and I already managed to make four friends."
C: Even he notices it... his affliction of ANC is worsening... soon he'll be destroying planets, stringing around girlfriends, resolved all conflicts in SM, made a crossover with Ranma... it's Armageddon, I tell ya!
Ami was standing off to the left of Sho holding a box which held
a Dazz drive for her computer at home, which Sho had gotten her earlier,
thinking "Sho is such a nice boy but with him staying with Makoto it may
cause problems if the Senshi are needed."
"Hey how bout we get something to eat guys." Usagi((of course))
said.
"Is there anytime you aren't hungry Usagi." Rei started
A tongue war started between Usagi and Rei
;^.^;;: Ewww... not another SM lemon!
(the others look at Kurama suspiciously)
Makoto runs over to Sho and pulls the table off of him. She then
turns to the creature and says" That is going to cost you extra freak."
The girls noticing that the restaurant is empty now cry out.
Moon Crystal Power Make Up...
Mars Star Power Make Up...
Venus Star Power Make Up...
Mercury Star Power Make Up...
Jupiter Star Power Make Up...
C: I would suggest short-cutting it, since it neither adds nor detracts to the story... but this can be fine as well.
"You hurt my friend and now by the power of Jupiter you'll pay."
Sailor Jupiter stuck a pose and cried out." Take This. ......SUPREME
THUNDER......" and a blast of lightning flies at the creature and hits
it knocking it down.
Sailor Moon then cries out, "MOON HEALING ESCALATION..."and a bright
white light destroys the creature. The Senshi then turn around and go to
Sho to make sure he's alright. Artemis runs in Just as Sho regains
consciousness with a groan.
Sho shakes his head a few times and then says, "Hey Makoto
what's with the Getup."
The Senshi all gasp.
^.^x: So lemme get this straight... this Sho, who has this and that kind of ability, handsome, smart (no indication of this 'cept when Ami said so), as well as skilled in the martial arts, saw through the 'disguise' of the Senshis? Hmmm... verdict?
;^.^;;: This entire fic is based on what we would call... The Annoying New Character. A very fitting term in this circumstance. You've been stringing us along a story whose _entire_ plot was based on an ANC. As a newbie, it's an understandable tendency...
^.^x: Coupled with the fact that this was caused by a Strange Dream You had one Night after eating a Pastrami Sandwich, we'd call it forgivable.
C: But the story can attain some merits. The problem with story themes nowadays is that they've been done many times over but ti is rare to see them done _properly_ and _great_. With a bit of tweaking on the plot and giving consideration to all the plotholes, you may be able to make a halfway decent story in the end.
;^,^;;: What was so annoying with the Sho is that he got the girls believing in him so easilly. Coupled with the fact that he's supposedly handsome, smart, skilled etc., there's not much conflict left of him... instead it becomes a gratuitous self-gratification in his part that as he came over to Japan, he has become this special superman-type of character with everything given to him etc. etc. It is our real fear that he becomes some sort of stereotypical new character that the author 'forces' to be cool. Coolness, my friend, is not forced.
C: Again, with the fact that you lost your prereaders (I keep myself constantly in touch with mine ^_^), it is understandable why you have had such a hard time fixing the sentence structure errors found in this fic. I myself have been suffering til my prereaders came along and gave me a crash course in both English and Japanese, canon and non-canon, and somesuch. As I said before, prereaders are a treasure, and I sincerely hope that you can find some new ones to help you. I found my grammar and sentence structuring improved because of them. ^_^
Oh... just remember... the commas, the spacing, the periods and the run-ons... those are the things to fix...
;^_^;;: Your writing style, as Chester-kun mentioned earlier, takes on a straightforward textbook-like style... now, all this is all the author's preference. But a writer really should experiment with his own style to grow, such that it doesn't come to a single level only and stay there. I would suggest livening up your sentences a bit... given _this_ as an example:
The individual in question was a 5'9" auburn haired youth wearing a vest
and jeans.
can be changed to:
The person being referred to was a tall youth... with auburn hair resembling an oak tree in fall season. His features were smooth, yet his dark brown eyes has a certain strength in the way they glinted in the light. The vest and jeans he was wearing neither added nor detracted from the aura of power he was displaying. The only downplay to his bearing was the casual expression his fce had.
Or something. The sentence over there isn't the way you write... go with what comes natural to you. Only strive to be better.
C: Finally... plotwise, albeit ANCness, the point of Sho being there being revealed in the end could further be built up by giving Sho... and I strongly suggest this... a more humbler feel. kinda like Kenshin in the first episode of RK... who would have thought that the gentle swordsman turned out to be a slasher during the Bakumatsu? Is Sho was to be shown as a humbler man, with no referrencing of being a martial artist/pretty boy/shinto experienced wonderboy, then it would really, certainly be a surprised that this 'simple' man be able to see through the senshi's disguises. I also strongly suggest to get rid of the supposed romantic entanglements... that's just a bit extraneous in Sho's part.
;^_^;;: Well, that's it.
^_^x: Yup... finally, we got through this fic, Kurama-san.
;^_^;;: Hai, Himura-san. Casta�eda-san? Closing remarks?
C: Yeah... for the SLR Newbie Patrol, and in part of my colleagues here, we say...
Ja ne!
C. Casta�eda
S. Minamino
K. Himura
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