Here's the final of 2:7
A few minor changes here and there and some cleanups. Enjoy and please let
me know if you see any problems with it. Thanks.
=======================================================================
Garden of EVA 2:7 - Something Blows!
Book 2: Blows
Neon Genesis Evangelion characters and situations created and Copyright
by Gainax, Project Eva, ADV Films - Used without permission
Garden of EVA series created, written, and copyright 1998-2000 by Jim
Lazar
A series set within episode 26 of Neon Genesis Evangelion that will blow
your mind.
<Speech text in angle brackets is thought by character.>
"Speech text in double quotes is spoken as Japanese."
E-mail comments and/or criticisms to: mailto:jimlazar@animeprime.com
Previous parts and my other fanfiction can be found at:
http://www.animeprime.com/ff/geva
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If you've read Garden of Eva this far you know what to expect. Just it's
ten times worse this time. Or not.
=======================================================================
Something according to Shinji:
Well, something is something.
-E- -V- -A-
Shinji had tears in his eyes when he looked up from the ground
where he had fallen and saw the three of them hovering nearby with
concern on their faces, even his father. "Don't pity me!! I don't
deserve it!! I killed the one person who ever loved me! I killed
Kaworu!!!"
"Sorry, fuckwad, but I don't love you. And if it wasn't for the
cops holding me, I'd kill you where you stand for even thinking that I'm
gay. Even if I was, I'd never love a wimp like you."
Shinji's eyes went wide when he recognized the voice. "Kaworu!!" He
looked around and saw Kaworu--who everyone in this world knew as
Hasamoto--standing between the two cops who were holding onto a chain
attached to Hasamoto's handcuffs and leg shackles. "No... you're
dead..."
Hasamoto sneered. "No... I won't die until I get back at you and
that tramp!"
Shinji launched himself at Hasamoto.
The two cops reacted to protect their prisoner, but even they were
unprepared for what Shinji did.
Shinji's lips met Hasamoto's and pressed firmly as he savored the
feeling of being near Kaworu again. When the kiss ended, Hasamoto was
staring bug-eyed at Shinji. "I love you too, Kaworu."
"You... you... fag!!" Hasamoto shook his arms out of the stunned
policemen's arms, swung his arms up to punch one of them in the stomach,
and then swung around and rammed his rock hard head into the other
police officer's gut. Both policemen crumpled to the ground, leaving
Hasamoto free to jump onto Shinji. The fair-haired boy wrapped his hands
around Shinji's scrawny neck. "I'll kill you!!"
Shinji smiled. "I'm happy... urk..." Shinji stopped smiling when he
felt his windpipe close from the pressure Hasamoto was applying to his
neck. But he was still happy inside. <My death at the hands of the man I
killed. I'm coming mother...> He didn't mean THAT kind of cumming,
pervert.
"Hasamoto, stop!!" Rei cried as she ran over. She jumped onto
Hasamoto's back and tried to pull his arms away from Shinji's neck.
Shinji's face was a turning a dark shade of blue. <So happy...>
"Get off, bitch!!" Hasamoto rammed his arm back, elbowing Rei in
her stomach.
"Gaaaaa...." Rei gasped and fell backwards, clutching her stomach.
"Shinji, fight back!" When Shinji didn't respond, she added, "I love
you!!"
"Wait your turn, bitch" Hasamoto said, glaring at Rei. "I'll kill
you next."
Rei proceeded to kick Hasamoto in his family jewels.
Hasamoto let go of Shinji's neck to grab his sore crotch, tumbling
backwards in the process. "Bitch." Spotting it from the corner of his
eye, Hasamoto grabbed a gun from one of the cop's holsters and pointed
it at Rei. "For that, you die first." He squeezed the trigger.
Rei screamed.
Shinji's eyes shot open at hearing Rei's scream. <This isn't my
Kaworu... I can't let him hurt Rei!> As another shot rang out, he jumped
up and barreled into Rei, knocking her out of the path of the bullet.
He wasn't as lucky.
The bullet tore into his flesh, sending a shooting pain up his body
from where the bullet hit him. Shinji grabbed his bloody crotch and
roared in pain.
"Ha! Blew your dick right off!!" Hasamoto laughed evilly. "Guess
Rei will never get to blow that again." Hasamoto laughed so hard his
spleen hurt. "Now that's a blow job I don't mind giving you!" Tears
formed in his eyes. "That's the blow job to end all blow jobs!!"
So preoccupied with finding euphemisms for 'blow', Hasamoto missed
seeing Rei jump on him. "You blew my second favorite part of him off,
you bastard!!" Rei pounded her closed fist into Hasamoto's face. "Now
I'll never get pregnant!!" She kneed him in the part that Hasamoto had
just shot Shinji in. "You fu... urk..." Rei went silent as Hasamoto
slammed the hilt of the gun into the side of her head.
Blood from the gash on Rei's head splashed across Shinji's face.
"Rei!!" he screamed as he saw her fall down.
"Don't you dare hurt the boy I found floating down a sewage filled
canal and adopted as my only son since I'm sterile!!" Gendou shouted as
he ran towards Hasamoto.
He probably should have omitted the exposition because he was only
halfway to Hasamoto when the bullet entered his skull.
"Father!!" Shinji screamed as his father's blood splashed across
his face, mixing with Rei's. His eyes went wide as he saw the gun
pointed in his mother's direction. "Stop it, Kaworu!!"
Hasamoto smirked. "I'll kill everything you've ever loved!!"
"Then shoot yourself, because I still love you!!" Shinji screamed.
Hasamoto hesitated and looked at the gun for a moment.
That was all the time Shinji needed to jump on Hasamoto and grab
the gun.
"Get off!!"
"I'll get off over your dead body!!"
Hasamoto's jaw dropped open. "You... you... sicko!!"
Shinji's eyes blazed with hatred. "You don't know the half of it!"
He continued to wrestle for the gun. "You can't imagine the hell my life
was, is, and will be!!" He felt the cold barrel of the gun pressed into
his chest. "All because of..." A gunshot rang out. "Yooouuu..." Shinji's
voice trailed off as a warm feeling flowed across his chest.
"Shinji!!" Rei screamed.
-E- -V- -A-
"Pull, Shinji," Rei shouted and pushed Shinji's penis.
"I'm trying..." Shinji tried to pull his stuck member from the
floorboard that Misato now held in her hands. After they had tried
various ways to get him out of the knothole with it still nailed down,
they finally pried it off the floor with his penis still stuck in it.
"Hmmm... it seems to be swelling." Rei looked closely at the
engorged member, running her fingers gently down the length. This made
it grow bigger, of course.
"Rei, maybe you shouldn't touch it," Misato suggested.
"Oh," Rei muttered and pulled away, a disappointed look crossing
her face.
"I've got the butter!!" Asuka yelled as she raced over with a bowl
of butter.
Rei cocked her head. "Where'd you get that?"
Asuka looked down at the bowl of butter. "I just took some milk and
put it in a churn and viola!" She proudly showed off the bowl of butter.
Misato looked around the theater. "Where'd you get milk from?"
Shinji was more curious as to where Asuka got the churn from or how
Asuka knew how to churn butter in the first place, but was in too much
pain to ask. Having one's penis stuck in a little hole that is not
connected to a woman tends to distract you from asking stupid questions.
Asuka squeezed her left breast. "Where do you think?"
Misato went pale.
Rei squeezed her own left breast. "You can get milk out of
breasts?"
"Yeah, that's what breasts are for, dummy. The milk is for babies
to drink." Asuka laughed. "What did you think they were for?"
"From what I've been able to tell from the world's Shinji's
created, breasts are for boys to fantasize about, fondle, suck, rub,
insert their penis betw..."
Misato slapped her hands over her daughter's mouth. "That's enough,
Rei."
Of course, that action caused her to let go of the large floorboard
that Shinji's penis was stuck through. Shinji was pulled forward by the
weight of the board and crashed to the floor of the theater, sandwiching
his oak tree between the oak floor and the oak floorboard.
Shinji screamed.
Loudly.
"Fascinating," Rei said as a white fluid dripped out of her nipple
in response to the vigorous self-breast fondling that she had just given
herself.
Several readers wiped off the blood that had just dripped out of
their nose.
Seeing this, Shinji's mighty oak expanded once again. Ditto for the
readers.
Shinji screamed.
Loudly.
Again.
The readers just cringed.
-E- -V- -A-
Shinji screamed loudly.
"Calm down, Shinji."
Shinji sat upright in the hospital bed he found himself in.
"Wha..." he looked around. "Rei!!" he almost jumped out of his bed, only
to find he was handcuffed to the bed frame, not to mention hooked up to
a I.V. and other medical equipment. "What's going on?"
Rei smiled and rose from the chair she had been sitting in by his
bedside. As she turned to give him a kiss, Shinji could see a large
bandage on the side of her head.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, it's just a little flesh would." Rei pressed her lips
against Shinji's. Several minutes later, she ran her hand through his
hair. "I don't know what is going on between you and Hasamoto, but I
still love you."
Shinji started to shake as events flooded back into his mind. "Oh
no... I..." His eyes went wide as another piece of the puzzle of his
afterlife suddenly fell into place. "Shit!!" He flung have the sheets on
his bed and pulled his hospital gown up. "Oh crap!" he shouted when he
saw the large bandage covering his groin.
Rei reached over and stopped him from pulling the bandage off in
his attempts to verify what--if anything--of his manhood was still
there. "Don't worry, you're still hung like a stallion. In fact, I asked
them to add a few centimeters while they were at it." She winked.
Shinji blushed. <It's really odd to hear Rei talk like that...>
Then he considered that his Rei often said strange stuff like that. <But
this Rei really means it.>
"They said the bullet passed through your scrotum, missing both
testicles and your penis before exiting from your anus."
Shinji gulped and clenched his butt muscles. <Seems to be
functional down there.>
Rei slipped onto the bed beside Shinji. "You'll be okay, it'll just
be sore down there for a while."
"Tell me about it. It itches like crazy too." Shinji wiggled a
little.
Rei's eyes opened wider. "Really?" She pulled the bed sheet down
and started scratching the bandage.
"Um... err... you don't have to do that."
"I want to help you recover." Rei rubbed harder.
Several popping sounds were heard as the bandage expanded.
"Arghhhhhhhh!!!" Shinji screamed.
Later after the sutures were replaced on Shinji's scrotum and the
skin of his penis, the nurses left. Rei sat on the chair and looked at
the floor. "I'm sorry."
Shinji shook his head. "No, that's okay. You meant well."
"I wasn't trying to arouse you... I just wanted to help you."
"I know." Several awkward moments of silence followed as neither of
them knew what to say before Shinji asked another question. "What
happened to Kaworu... err... Hasamoto?"
Rei frowned. "Why did you say you loved Hasamoto?" She turned her
head away. "After all that he did to me... how could you say that?"
Shinji saw the tear that Rei was trying to hide and it caused his
chest to tighten. <This world's Kaworu treated this Rei very badly...
but that Kaworu isn't he real one... I already killed the real one...
and then I made this Kaworu... why did he show up here... I never meant
for him to be here... I never meant for a lot of this world to be
here.... or the other six hundred, sixty-five worlds for that matter...
maybe my guilt over killing the real Kaworu cause this world's Kaworu to
appear... maybe...>
Since Shinji seemed to be lost in his own thoughts, Rei spoke. "I'm
sorry. If you love him more than me, I'll leave you alone."
Shinji's eyes widened. "No... no... that's not it..." Shinji sighed
and looked up at the unfamiliar ceiling. "It's complicated."
"Are you gay?"
Shinji flinched. "I don't know..."
That wasn't exactly the answer Rei was hoping for.
"The person you know as Hasamoto isn't the same person that I know
as Kaworu, but he's similar."
"And you love this Kaworu?"
Shinji sighed. "Yes... but it wasn't a sexual thing... it was..."
Shinji found that he had no words to describe it. "Complicated..." He
sighed. "Very complicated."
"Do you still love me?"
"Yes." Shinji answered without hesitation, not even pausing to
consider which Rei he was talking to. Or even if he loved the Rei in the
theater, for that matter. The answer just presented itself and Shinji
had no reason to argue with it.
Rei smiled at hearing the sincerity in his answer. She slipped into
bed next to him and snuggled against Shinji's side. "We'll get through
this together."
Shinji wanted to wrap his arms around Rei, but was reminded about
the handcuffs when he tried. "Why am I handcuffed to the bed?" Visions
of kinky sexual positions flashed into his mind, only some of which came
from the worlds he had created. The rest came from the smutty magazines
Touji used to hide behind the school and show off to the other kids.
Hikari used to bash him over the head with the magazines every time he
showed her the magazines and suggested a position for her.
"Well... they are still deciding if they are going to press murder
charges or not."
Shinji frowned. "Huh? They had dropped the charges before we left
the..."
Rei shook her head and interrupted Shinji. "The gun went off when
you two were fighting for it."
Shinji started to tremble.
"Hasamoto is really dead this time," Rei said with a tone that
showed she wasn't upset about it, maybe even happy that he was. Anyone
who knew their history would understand.
"No..." Shinji clenched his eyes shut tight. "Are you sure?"
"Pretty sure..." Rei shuddered at the memories. "Some of his brain
landed on me."
A hazy memory of the confrontation outside the Tokyo-3 Juvenile
Hall formed in Shinji's mind. "Brain..." The image solidified.
"Father!!"
Rei put her hand on Shinji's chest to calm him down. "He's alive.
They say he's likely to make a full recovery except for being blind in
his right eye."
Shinji shuddered and tried to get up. Once again, the handcuffs
reminded him again that he was a prisoner. "Where is he?"
"Down the hall. I've been checking on him while I waited for you to
wake up." Rei looked at the door. "Your mother is with him, do you want
me to get them?"
"Yes..."
Rei slipped off the bed and shuffled over to the doorway. Before
leaving the room, she turned back and smiled. "I love you, Shinji."
Shinji smiled. "Yeah, I love you too."
Rei left, leaving Shinji to say a silent goodbye to Hasamoto and/or
Kaworu.
<Sorry, Kaworu. Like me, you were born to a life of misery. I hope
you're happy wherever you are...>
-E- -V- -A-
"Stop pulling on my penis!!"
"I'm not pulling it, I'm trying to push it through the little
hole!!"
"You need to lubricate it more."
"Here, let me do that."
Asuka slapped Rei's hand away from her breast-butter. "No, it's my
butter and I'll spread it on."
"You just want to rub Shinji's penis," Rei remarked.
"No!!" Asuka insisted.
"Well then..." Rei reached for the butter.
Asuka pulled the butter out of Rei's reach.
"Will you girls stop arguing over who gets to melt butter over
Shinji's hot shaft of love!!" Misato snapped.
"It's my butter and I'll rub it on Shinji's prick!!" Asuka
insisted.
Rei frowned and looked at Shinji. "What do you think, Shinji?"
Shinji's face was contorted in pain. "I don't care!! Just get my
penis out!"
"I guess I shouldn't be surprised to find you like this, Shinji."
The three girls stopped fighting over Shinji's penis and looked at
the source of the voice and gasped as one.
"Mother?" Shinji was so surprised that he released the floorboard.
Amazingly it slipped off his penis and crashed to the floor.
Yui smiled. "Not exactly your mother, but close." She started to
walk across the theater floor, almost gliding across the surface as if
she was an Angel. A biblical Angel, not the Angels that repeatedly
attacked Tokyo-3. Her white silk robes fluttered behind her.
Misato frowned. "Mrs. Ikari?"
Yui nodded. "The original."
"Why are you here?" Misato asked.
"I've left my baby alone for too long." Yui glanced down at
Shinji's penis. "Is there a reason that there is butter on this boy's
penis?"
Asuka gulped. "I donno..."
"Mom, am I ever glad to see you!!" Shinji smiled and took a few
steps towards the newcomer.
Yui shook her head. "You're not my son." She looked at the
viewpoint that showed the other Shinji being hugged by the other Yui.
"You're just a figment of my son's imagination." She glanced at the
three girls, but didn't say anything.
Shinji stopped halfway top his mother. "Not you too..." He plopped
onto the floor and started to rub his sore penis. "Dammit."
Yui sighed. "Although you're a lot like my son, always masturbating
when there's something important to do."
Shinji blushed and stopped rubbing himself.
-E- -V- -A-
"I'm sorry, Father."
Gendou's head flopped over and he looked at his son with his
unbandaged eye. "It's not your fault."
"Yes it is... this whole damn world is my fault!"
Yui knelt down next to her husband's wheelchair and wiped the drool
off her husband's mouth. "Dear, our son thinks he's God."
"Oh..." Gendou looked at Shinji. "Then I'd like a better job and my
eye back, Mr. God."
Shinji gulped. "Sorry, I can't change what's happened. I'm sorry
about giving you such a crappy job, but I was mad at you for using me as
your tool to destroy the world."
His--or to be more precise, the other Shinji's--Mother and
Father--make that adoptive Mother and Father--looked at Shinji and three
eyes blinked twice.
"See?" Yui said, looking back at her husband.
"Yes..." Gendou nodded. "It's a good thing he's already engaged or
we'd be stuck with this crazy kid forever."
Shinji sighed. "I'm not crazy. I'm just stuck in a crazy world that
I made to get back at my real world." He clenched his eyes shut tight.
"I tried to make things better, but I still couldn't make a decent world
for us."
Yui sighed and ran her hand gently through her son's hair. "That's
okay, you did your best. No use beating yourself up over it."
Shinji sighed. "You don't believe me. You're just trying to placate
me."
Yui nodded. "Pretty much." She looked at the door. "Can I go get a
doctor so they can pump you full of drugs?"
"Not right now..." Shinji said absently, obviously not hearing the
question. Probably.
-E- -V- -A-
The next day, Rei was again at Shinji's bedside talking about
anything and everything with him. If it wasn't for the nurses that were
keeping a close eye on them and Shinji's sore crotch after the 'sprung
suture' incident--which it had come to be known as around the
hospital--she'd be in the bed cuddled up to his side. Among other
things.
"Hey, jailbird!"
They looked towards the door and saw Touji, Kensuke, and Hikari
standing in the doorway.
Shinji smiled nervously. "Um... Hi guys." He followed Touji's
movements as the tall boy walked across to his bed.
Touji frowned and looked down at his lap. "What are you staring at?
Is my fly open?"
Shinji gulped. "It is, but I was actually looking at your left leg
and arm."
Touji tucked his one eyed snake back into his pants. "Huh... what
do you mean?" he asked as he tucked his penis in next to his pet
snake--which had a lovely eye patch over its missing eye--and then
zipped up.
Shinji smiled. "It's just nice to see you in one piece, Touji."
"How many pieces should I be in?"
Shinji just smiled.
Hikari rolled her eyes. "I have enough trouble handling one piece."
Shinji nodded. "Yeah, hopefully you can handle him when he finds
ou..." He went silent. <I'd better not mention anything about Hikari
cheating on Touji with Kensuke.> "Never mind. How are all you all?"
Hikari gave Shinji a quick hug and then let Touji and Kensuke slap
Shinji silly like most 'macho' men would do instead of being honest with
their feelings.
Touji slapped Shinji's arm. "Hang in there, pal, at least you're
not getting butt fucked in prison anymore." Translated that meant that
Touji was very happy Shinji was out of jail and still had his anal
virginity intact.
Kensuke laughed and slapped Shinji's stomach. "At least he didn't
blow your head off-" He glanced at Shinji's groin. "-before you blew his
off." Translated that meant that Kensuke was glad Shinji's penis and
testicles weren't blown off and that he wished he could have fired the
gun instead. <A police handgun is so cool!>
"I'm happy you're okay, Shinji." Hikari leaned down and gave Shinji
a peck on his cheek. Translated that meant she was happy Shinji was
okay.
"So what's going to happen with this?" Touji asked, shaking the
handcuff that still attached Shinji to the bed rail.
"I don't know..."
"So what's going to happen with this?" Kensuke asked, glancing at
Shinji's groin. Talk about a one track mind.
"I don't know..."
"It'll be okay," Rei said, hope evident in her eyes.
"So what's going to happen with this?" Hikari asked, looking at
Rei.
"In a perfect world we'd marry, have two point four children and
live happily ever after."
Rei smiled.
"But this isn't a perfect world."
Rei frowned.
"I don't know what's going to happen." Shinji looked at each of the
four teenagers in the room. "Maybe that's for the best." He looked at
Rei and smiled. "I don't know what the future will bring, but I'd like
to find out with Rei at my side and my friends and family along for the
ride."
Rei smiled. "Thank you, Shinji."
"Dang, Shinji's gone all soft and mushy on us," Touji commented.
Hikari smiled. "You could learn something from him, you dolt. I
think it's sweet." She unconsciously glanced at Kensuke, who blushed and
avoided making eye contact.
"I'll try, Honey," Touji said and then turned towards Shinji. "So
you and Rei getting a lot of sex in here?"
Hikari slapped Touji. Hard. <He'll never change.>
"What?" Touji asked, holding his throbbing cheek.
Hikari shook her head sadly.
For the next hour or so, Shinji and the gang caught up on events.
Shinji relished the ability to talk to his friends without being
interrupted by having to go save and/or destroy the world, maiming a
friend with his giant robot, crushing the body of a boy he loved, or the
dozens of other unpleasant things he routinely had to do in the world he
destroyed.
In short, he was happy.
And then he had to go and ruin it by asking a stupid question.
"So... where's Asuka?"
"Um... I've got to go now..." Touji tried to make a break for it,
but Hikari grabbed his arm.
"What?" Shinji asked.
Hikari stared at Shinji for a few moments before answering. "She's
just a little upset at you."
"Why?"
Hikari rolled her eyes. "Gee, you think it could have something to
do with you leading her on and then breaking your pre-arranged marriage
to her so that you can marry your half sister and future mother of your
child?"
Shinji gasped. "Oh yeah... that."
Hikari slapped Shinji. Hard. "How could you make it seem like
you're a disinterested third party in this! She loved you, you jerk!"
"Yeah, I know, but it's not my fault. The other Shinji did all
that."
Touji smirked. "That's a pretty lame excuse, Shinji. Even I would
think up something better. Like saying my mother insisted that I lose my
virginity before I was fifteen."
Hikari scowled. "Shinji's lie is more believable than that awful
lie was."
"You knew?"
"Of course."
"Darn."
Shinji leaned back and stared at the ceiling he had been staring at
for most of the past day. "You all don't know how good you have it
here."
Touji stopped begging Hikari to forgive him and looked at Shinji.
"Huh?"
"This world isn't perfect... but maybe..." Shinji glanced at Rei.
"You've gotten really weird, Pal," Touji said.
"Yeah," Kensuke agreed.
Hikari patted Shinji's chest. "My mom once said the world is what
you make of it."
Shinji chuckled. "You have no idea how true that is."
-E- -V- -A-
"Hmmmm...." Yui put her arm to her chin and looked at the four
naked people in the theater with her. "This isn't appropriate." She
reached into her robes and then started feeling up all the girls in the
theater. A boob press here. A crotch feel there.
"Hey! Stop that!!"
"Interesting."
"At least buy me a beer first!!"
Yui finished affixing the fig leaf to Misato's crotch and then
stepped back and admired her handy work. "Much better."
The three women looked down and saw that their nipples and crotches
were now covered by fig leaves.
"Wha'cha do that for?" Asuka asked, pulling on the leaf covering
her left nipple.
"It's not appropriate to run around naked."
"Well, speak to your son about that." Asuka found that she couldn't
get the leaf off and moved to the one covering her vagina. "Why won't
these come off?"
Rei pulled on the fig leaves covering her nipples and then released
them, causing her breasts to bounce. "Fascinating..."
"As I said, it's not appropriate for you all to be naked." Yui
looked at Shinji and tilted her head. She looked down at the little fig
leaf she had in her hand and then at his crotch. "Hmmm.... that won't
do." She reached into her robe again and pulled out a large oak leaf and
before Shinji knew it the green oak leaf covered his mighty oak. "There,
that's perfect."
Shinji looked up from his leaf and saw the three fig-leafed girls.
Blood burst from his nose a second later.
"What's wrong?" Rei asked, taking a concerned step towards Shinji.
Shinji tried to staunch the flow of blood with his hands.
"Nothing... don't get too close!" He looked away from the almost naked
women. <Weird, seeing them like that is more exciting than seeing them
totally naked.>
Yui sighed. "So much like my son. Give him everything in the world
and he gets bored with it." She looked around the theater. "But take
something away and he gets all excited about what he's missing." She
looked at Rei, who was trying to casually look behind the Shinji's oak
leaf, which Asuka was trying to pull off. "It won't come off, Asuka."
Asuka let go of the oak leaf she'd just been tugging on. "Damn."
Misato rolled her eyes. "Like you haven't seen it enough already to
last several lifetimes."
"I believe she's already twisted it enough for everyone's lifetime
as well," Rei calmly remarked.
-E- -V- -A-
Later, Asuka was off in one of the thirteen corners of the theater
sulking because she couldn't pull Shinji's penis anymore.
Misato and Yui were discussing how to get Shinji out of world six
hundred and sixty-six.
Rei three and Shinji six hundred and sixty six were repairing the
floor where Shinji's penis had been stuck earlier.
"Do you love that other Rei?" Rei asked as she positioned the board
in the hole.
Shinji nodded. "Yeah." He pulled a nail out of... somewhere and
positioned it on the board.
"Why?"
Shinji paused and looked up at Rei. "Well... I'm not sure I can
really describe it. I just feel so good when I'm with her. It's like
she's a part of me that I've been missing and I can't live without her."
"And not me?"
Shinji frowned. "Well... I like being with you, but it feels
different for some reason."
"Why?"
Shinji averted his eyes and looked for the hammer. "Um... well... I
don't really know. You look like my Rei, but..."
Rei waited for a few seconds for Shinji to finish his explanation,
but he didn't. "But why?"
Shinji gulped. "Well, you aren't as emotional as my Rei. You over
analyze things and look at me differently."
Rei looked at Shinji. "How do I look at you different?"
"See? You're over analyzing things again."
"Oh."
"My Rei would probably shrug off that comment and jump my bones."
"What does jump your bones mean?"
Shinji gulped loudly. Avoiding answering the question, he grabbed
the hammer that had appeared at his side and prepared to pound the nail
in.
Rei tilted her head. "What does it mean?"
"Well... you know... have sex."
"Oh."
The hammer descended towards the nail.
"So will you like me more if I fuck you till your toenails curl
up?"
Hammer met thumb. Thumb swelled up. Shinji screamed in pain.
"That must hurt," Rei stated the obvious.
Shinji fell back and held his throbbing thumb.
Rei wanted to help, so she leaned down and took Shinji's hand. "I'm
sorry." She slipped his hurt thumb into her mouth and slowly started to
suck it. In and out. Back and forth. Up and down.
Shinji's oak leaf bulged.
"What the hell are you doing!!" Asuka bellowed.
"I believe the proper term would be that I'm giving Shinji's thumb
a blow job," Rei said without emotion.
Asuka decided she didn't want to comment on that.
Asuka speechless? It's the end of the world!
Exactly.
-E- -V- -A-
The gang started to file out of Shinji's hospital room. "Hikari?"
Shinji said before she got out the door.
"Yes?" Hikari replied, turning back towards Shinji.
"Can you... stay a bit longer." Shinji looked nervously at Rei and
the two boys. "I um... have something I need to talk to you about." He
looked at Rei. "Privately."
Rei understood and nodded. She got up and passed Hikari on her way
out the door, pulling Kensuke and Touji with her.
Hikari sat down next to his bed. "What is it, Shinji?"
Shinji took a deep breath. "Hikari, I think you need to tell Touji
about you and Kensuke."
Hikari gasped. "How did you..."
Shinji shook his head. "It's not important. I can see how awkward
you are with the two of them and if you let it go on, it's just going to
be more painful for everyone involved."
Hikari studied Shinji's face. "You're different somehow."
Shinji smiled. <You have no idea.> "If you love Kensuke, you should
be with him. If it's just because he's better in bed, then stay with
Touji."
Hikari blushed. "Kensuke must have told you that! Why that bragging
jerk! I thought he was better than Touji!"
"Kensuke didn't say anything." Shinji sighed. "I just know these
things."
Hikari tried to tell if Shinji was telling the truth and could see
that he was. "So should I go with Kensuke or Touji?"
"That's something I don't have the answer for. Either way you hurt
someone. There is no perfect solu-" Shinji's eyes went wide. "-tion."
Shinji tapped his chest. "Do what your heart tells you to do."
Hikari smiled. "Is that what you did when you chose Rei over
Asuka?"
Shinji thought back to what led his alter ego to choose Rei. "Yeah,
he did."
"He did?"
"I did." Shinji smiled. "In this crazy mixed up world there is no
perfect solution, but you can be happy."
Hikari smiled and leaned over to Shinji. "Thanks." She gave him a
brief peck on his lips. "You've matured a lot, Shinji."
"Yeah... we all have." Shinji watched Hikari turn and walk towards
the doors. "Who will you choose?"
Hikari stopped and looked back. "That's up to my heart."
Shinji smiled and then a thought struck him. "If you choose
Kensuke, just be careful how you tell Touji."
Hikari nodded her understanding. "Kensuke should take an extended
vacation, no sharp objects nearby, and a bulletproof glass partition
between Touji and me, right?"
Shinji nodded. "Yeah... I know some people at juvie hall that might
be able to arrange something for you."
Hikari smiled, but it was a forced smile since she knew she might
need to take such drastic steps.
-E- -V- -A-
Later that day, Hikari looked between Kensuke and Touji as she
tried to decide who to keep and who to dump. She clenched her eyes shut
and then threw a dart in their general direction, unconsciously farting
at the same time. <Should have never had that burrito for lunch.> She
opened her eyes and saw that the dart had stuck in the wall halfway
between the two pictures of her two lovers. "Darn."
She pulled the dart and repeated the throw a couple hundred more
times, the dart never hitting either picture. "Crap." She took a good
look at the dart and frowned when she saw the words 'Photographic paper
repellant dart. Safe for use at photography exhibits.' "No wonder..."
She got another dart and made sure it was a normal 'hit anything'
dart. Closing her eyes, she threw it. When she opened her eyes again,
the dart was halfway between the two photos. "Shit!"
She sighed and decided she'd have to make her choice a different
way.
-E- -V- -A-
"So all Shinji has to do is will himself to come back to the
theater?" Misato said after a needlessly lengthy explanation from Yui
with included several charts and PowerPoint presentations (Microsoft was
the software supplier to the afterlife since Bill Gates bought Hell from
the Devil in a leveraged buyout).
"In it's simplest form, yes," Yui said rolling out a roll of paper
with a ten mile long representation of the Human genome. "The key is in
the genetic strands..."
Misato tuned Yui's explanation out, not wishing to be subjected to
another discussion on the finer points of Human nature again. Instead,
she looked over and saw Shinji and Rei talking together. <He'd better
not hurt my baby.> She looked over at Asuka. Her eyes widened. "Stop it
Asuka!!"
Asuka stopped in her tracks. "What?"
"Put down the weed whacker, Asuka."
Asuka lowered the weed whacker she held in her hands and took a
long look at the oak leaf covering Shinji's privates. "Dammit, I need to
get that leaf off!!"
"Why?" Misato asked.
Asuka shrugged her shoulders, causing the two fig leaves covering
her nipples to bounce. "I just can't stand not being able to see under
that leaf!!"
"Well, just think of something else."
"Like what?"
Misato thought for a few moments. "Anything."
Asuka dropped to the floor and clutched her head. "I can't! I have
to see what's under that leaf!!"
Misato sighed.
Yui looked away from her 1:1 scale model of Shinji's brain. "What's
wrong?"
Misato smiled lopsidedly. "Penis withdrawal."
"Ah..." Yui nodded thoughtfully. "I always hated it when my husband
withdrew his from within me."
Misato grimaced. "That's not exactly what I meant."
"What did you mean, dear?"
Misato opened her mouth to explain, but then thought better of it.
"Never mind. Let's just concentrate on getting our Shinji back here."
Yui nodded. "Well, as soon as he wants to come back, he will."
Asuka looked up at the viewpoint. "By the looks of things, he won't
want to leave that world."
Misato and Yui looked at the redhead. "What do you mean, Asuka?"
Misato asked.
Asuka nodded towards the viewpoint.
"Oh my."
"There is no way I'm letting that kid date my daughter anymore!!"
"What's up?" Shinji asked, walking up with Rei.
Misato got in front of the viewpoint. "Nothing."
Shinji's eyes narrowed. He could always tell when his Misato was
lying and he could see the same reaction on this Misato. <Her nipples
are getting hard just like my Misato when she lies,> he thought as he
stared at her fig leaves. "What's going on?"
"Nothing."
Shinji tried to look around Misato, but Asuka grabbed him. "There's
nothing to see. Let's go fuck, okay?"
"No!!"
"Well..." Asuka thought quickly. "Why don't you go fuck Rei then."
Rei's eyes widened and a smile appeared on her face.
"Now I know you're hiding something!" Shinji dodged to the right,
Misato dodged to the right. Shinji Dodged to the left, Misato dodged to
the left. Shinji reached out and twisted Misato's upper fig leaves.
"Ouch!!" Misato dropped to the floor and rubbed her breasts.
"You all masturbate a lot in here, don't you?" Yui asked.
Shinji's eyes widened when he saw the viewpoint. "I'm going to kill
myself!!"
"Shinji, suicide is not the answer," Yui said softly.
Shinji was too mad at seeing what he was doing with Rei to respond
to that. He titled his head to keep up with the action in the viewpoint.
"That bastard!!"
-E- -V- -A-
Rei sat on top of Shinji's bandaged groin and pulled off her bra,
which was the last of her clothes.
"Rei, we shouldn't be doing this!!"
Rei smiled. "Don't worry, they said they put in extra strong
sutures this time." She winked. "I think they figured out what was
happening after the sutures popped off the third time."
Shinji blushed. "That's not what I meant!"
Rei started to unbutton Shinji's pajama top. "What do you mean?"
"We... we... should wait till we get married."
Rei blinked twice in surprise. "Why?"
Shinji had a very good reason--besides his privates currently being
held together by some heavy-duty sutures--but he didn't think Rei would
buy the fact that he was from a different world and was still a virgin.
"Just... because."
Rei frowned. "Why are you so cold to me? I know we can't have sex,
but I miss being close to you." She leaned down and pressed her naked
chest against Shinji's. "I just want you to be happy."
Shinji's eyes widened. "You want me to be happy?"
"Yes."
Shinji put his hand to Rei's face. "What about 'US' being happy?"
Rei smiled and put her hand to Shinji's face. "If you're happy, I'm
happy." She stretched out her neck and gave Shinji a passionate kiss.
"As long as we're together, we'll be happy."
Shinji's bandage rose without blowing any sutures out. "As long as
we're together-" He ran his hand down Rei's naked back. "-we'll be
happy."
Rei started to purr and pressed her body against Shinji.
"Break it up you two!!"
Rei and Shinji looked over at the door and saw Ritsuko and
Naoko--Rei's mother and grandmother respectively--standing in the
doorway.
"Mom!!"
"Doc... err... Ms. Akagi, I'm pleased to see you."
Ritsuko's eyes narrowed. "Looks like you're more pleased to have my
daughter on top of you."
Naoko stormed over and pulled Rei off Shinji. Then she grabbed
Shinji's open pajama top and pulled him up off the bed as far as his
handcuffed hand would allow. "You have a lot of explaining to do,
mister!" she spat and then slapped him. Hard. Harder than his penis was
at that moment.
Shinji's head snapped sideways from the savage blow. "I'm sorry...
I... I... I'm an animal. Rei is just so beautiful and sexy like her
mother and grandmother, I couldn't resist."
Rei paused in putting her clothes back on as a warm feeling passed
over her chest. <He... he's taking the blame for what I did. He's also
pretty good at kissing up.> A thought struck her. <He was never very
good at kissing up before. I wonder...>
Naoko scowled more at Shinji. "Who the fuck cares about that?!"
Shinji looked confused.
Ditto for Rei and Ritsuko.
"You screwed up the Eva championships, you bastard!!" Naoko shouted
and then slapped Shinji again.
Shinji was so startled by the fact that she was more upset over the
Eva tournament ending in a no-holds-bared fistfight than her
granddaughter sitting naked on top of him that he barely felt the slap.
Rei and Ritsuko fell to the floor, dazed.
"You... you're upset over the championships?" Shinji gasped,
wondering why the room was spinning around him. Well, maybe he did feel
the slap after all.
"Yes!! Because of your little stunt, I wasn't able to introduce the
next generation Eva game!"
"Next gen..." Shinji shook his head.
"This time the Evas were going to be battling aliens on distant
worlds and wearing spandex outfits with capes!!"
"I think your granddaughter's wellbeing is more important than some
damn game!!"
Naoko flinched and glared at Shinji. "How dare you!"
Shinji shook his head sadly. "He did... I did what I had to do to
protect the woman I love."
The people watching the viewpoint in the theater all 'awwwwwed'
except for Shinji who was taking notes.
"No, how dare you call Eva 'just a game'?"
Shinji's jaw fell open. <This woman is way too fixated on Eva.>
"Fine, I'm sorry. Eva is a great game, but the woman I love is more
important to me. I would think your granddaughter would be more
important to you."
Naoko blinked two hundred and forty times. "She is."
Rei's eye twitched. <Took you long enough to say that, oldest hag.>
"Well, as her mother, I have no reservation saying that my daughter
comes first." Ritsuko struck a motherly pose. Well, it was more like the
pose she was in when she became a mother. Conception or birth doesn't
matter, it's the same pose if you catch my drift.
Rei turned away from her mother. <The old hag is just so
embarrassing sometimes.>
Shinji threw up.
-E- -V- -A-
Things calmed down a bit over the next half-hour. Rei was dressed
and sitting on the bed next to Shinji. Naoko was sitting in the chair
knitting a little jumper. And Ritsuko was reaming Shinji a new one.
Figuratively, of course. If Shinji wouldn't let the scores of
prisoners into his backdoor, there was no way he'd let Ritsuko in.
Mentioning this to Ritsuko was the reason for the current reaming.
"If you're going to raise my grandchild you're going to have to
straighten up and clean up your potty mouth, you got that, you
god-dammed-buttwad?!"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Good."
"Well, I don't think we'll have to worry about that grandchild for
a while, will we Shinji?"
They all looked over and saw Yui wheel Gendou in through the open
door.
Ritsuko frowned. "What do you mean."
Yui looked at Rei and Shinji. "Rei said it during the fight with
Hasamoto and I've done some checking since then." She saw Rei's eyes
widen. "Rei isn't pregnant."
"Am too!!"
Ritsuko looked at her daughter. "But... but the prison nurse..."
Yui shook her head. "I had a... talk with her and she fessed up to
being bribed to fake the positive pregnancy test."
Rei scowled. "She's lying!!"
Ritsuko swore. "Dammit, I knew I should have had the tests done
again."
"I'm telling you, I'm really pregnant!!"
"Rei, let it go. It's time to be truthful."
Rei looked at Shinji with disbelief. "Shinji... shhhhh... she was
buying it."
Ritsuko actually giggled. "You weren't even close to making me
believe it."
Rei pouted. "Dang."
"Well, at least I don't have to let you marry this jackass now,"
Ritsuko said, looking at Shinji.
Rei's eyes went wide and she jumped to Shinji's side and grabbed
him, afraid to let go. "No!!"
"There's no way I'm going to let you marry your half-brother now
that you're not carrying his child!" Ritsuko shouted at her daughter.
"I'll marry him over your dead body!!"
Ritsuko scratched her head. "That's my line, isn't it?"
"No, because if you don't let me marry him, I'll kill you, you old
hag!!" Rei's face was filled with hatred.
"Calm down, Rei," Shinji said, holding back Rei. He looked at
Ritsuko. "If she wasn't my half-sister, would you let her marry me?"
Ritsuko looked ready to bite Shinji's head off, possibly both of
them. "You little fuc..." A light bulb suddenly went on over her head.
She turned towards Naoko. "Mom, stop playing with the light switch!!"
Naoko smiled apologetically. "Sorry, I thought you needed more
light for dramatic effect."
Ritsuko sighed in disgust at her mother and then turned back to
Shinji. "You little fuckwad... if you weren't Rei's half-brother I'd
kill you."
"But could I marry her?"
"Sure." Ritsuko smiled smuggly, knowing that it was a safe thing to
concede to.
Shinji smiled. "Then I can marry her. I'm not Gendou Ikari's real
son, so I'm not really her half-brother."
"What?!" Rei and her mother shouted at the same time, while her
grandmother turned off all the lights in the room.
For dramatic effect, of course.
-E- -V- -A-
"What?!" Shinji shouted at the viewpoint. "What does he mean I'm
not my father's son?" He looked at his mother, or who he thought of as
his mother.
Yui shrugged. "Don't look at me. He must have wished not to be his
father's son at some point."
"Why?" Shinji asked. "I know my dad is a bit of a jerk and has a
lame job, but what is that other me's problem with him?"
Yui looked awkwardly at the other residents of the theater.
Asuka laughed. "Who want's to start the list?"
-E- -V- -A-
"Rock... paper... scissors!!" Hikari and Kensuke said before
school.
Hikari held up a flat hand. "Paper."
Kensuke held up two fingers. "Scissors cuts paper."
Hikari smiled. "Okay, you're my boyfriend. Now get out of town so I
can tell Touji."
Kensuke gulped loudly. "What?! You said this was to determine what
we did tonight!"
"Yeah, but it was really to decide which boyfriend to keep."
Kensuke wiped the sweat of his face. "What a way to decide
something so important."
Hikari shrugged. "It was this or I let you and Touji fight for me
in a no holds bared death match."
Kensuke gulped loudly.
"So if you can get out of town for a week or so, I'll try and tell
Touji."
"Okay... but I'd rather you had chosen me because your heart told
you to."
Hikari looked around to make sure no one was nearby and then
wrapped her arms around Kensuke's neck. "I did."
Kensuke frowned. "But the game we..."
Hikari smiled. "You ALWAYS chose scissors when we play this game."
"Then..."
Hikari nodded. "I love you, Kensuke." She stood on her tiptoes and
gave Kensuke a long kiss.
Kensuke's eyes were spinning when their lips parted. His head was
spinning a second later.
Touji landed a fist to Kensuke's chin, causing his head to spin
around a few times. A second punch sent the fair-haired boy flying
against the back wall of the school. "How dare you kiss my girl, you
two-timing bastard!!"
Kensuke was shaking as he saw the tall boy storm up to where he had
fallen. "I... I... I'm sorry!!"
Touji rolled up his sleeves. "You will be!!"
-E- -V- -A-
"That bastard!!" Shinji shouted when the list reached two hundred
and sixteen items. "How dare he do all that to that other Shinji!" He
plopped down onto the floor.
Yui nodded. "Yes, my husband is a unfeeling bastard who I should
have killed on my wedding night when he couldn't get it up, but he's
still a good man."
"I didn't need to hear that."
"Well, at least he got it up long enough to have you, Shinji!!"
Asuka shouted and then started to laugh.
"Shut up, Asuka!!" The other residents of the theater chorused
together.
-E- -V- -A-
"So my mother and father found me floating down the sewage filled
river near Hokkaido," Shinji finished explaining how he became an Ikari.
Rei was smiling. "Now I can marry you!!"
"No, he can't!!" Ritsuko yelled. "I don't care if he isn't your
half-brother, I'm not letting you get married!"
Rei glared at her mother for the two millionth, thirty-five
thousandth, seven hundredth, and fifty-first time since she was born,
where she glared at her mother as soon as she left the womb. "But you
said if he wasn't my half-brother, I could marry him!!"
Ritsuko shrugged. "I lied."
Naoko cleared her throat. "Before my daughter gets killed by Rei
and Shinji, I think you all should know something."
Everyone looked at Naoko and asked, "What?"
Naoko looked at her daughter. "Ritsuko, you didn't know this since
you were unconscious because you couldn't stand the pain of childbirth,
you little wimp, but..."
"Hey!! I was in a lot of pain!!"
Naoko ignored her daughter's outburst and turned to Rei. "Anyway,
Rei, you have a twin brother. Since we only needed one baby for
appearances, after the birth I took the ugly one and put it into a
sewage filled river near Hokkaido." She looked directly at Shinji.
"Shinji isn't your half brother, he's your full brother and your
fraternal twin."
Shit.
Fan.
You know the rest.
-E- -V- -A-
Something according to Shinji:
Wasn't that something?
[End - Garden of EVA 2:7 - Something Blows!]
=======================================================================
Author's notes/ramblings:
Flame away...
I'd like to thank my pre-readers Michael A. Chase, Emanuele Barron, and
Thomas C. Kinnen for helping me find and fix problems with this story.
FFML members Henry J. Cobb and Jose Argao were also helpful in fine
tuning this story. Thank you all. Of course in the end, any mistakes and
botched characters are my fault.
Revision 0.0 - Initial draft began (August 6, 2000)
Revision 0.1 - Initial draft completed (September 1, 2000)
Revision 0.3 - Pre-reader draft (September 6, 2000)
Revision 0.4 - FFML draft (September 24, 2000)
Revision 1.0 - Final version (October 25, 2000)
--
Jim Lazar
Animeprime -
http://www.animeprime.com
(No Editing Zone/Fanfiction/Anime Top Ten/DVD Case Covers)
-=-
Shinji's [naked] in his theater, his perfect world BITES, SUCKS, and BLOWS
Garden of EVA - Episode 26 taken to the extreme-and then some