"ashes2ashes" <slayer0@zoomnet.net> wrote:
**C&C, public or private, is begged for. Since most of the fic is already
written, we prefer grammer help. If you have a burning desire to give other
C&C though, we will take it with a smile. In fact, ANY C&C would be nice.
We havn't gotten that much so far.**
Just as a word of advice, begging for C&C is generally more effective if
you do a lot of C&C for others.
It's "grammar," BTW. :)
"Kastunishiki what are you doing?" A pretty girl with long dark haired
"Kastunishiki, what are you doing?" a
(Comma after a speaker identifies the person(s) spoken to, and no caps
on the "a" since it's the line of dialog that's being asked.)
You have some nicely expressive writing in this section. Ryoga's altered
frame of mind is shown very well.
And that's when his entrails came spilling out.
And that was when (past tense)
Akari took a step backward and tripped on the hem of her dress causing her
dress, causing
"ITAI!" he hissed, rubbing more of a salve from Dr. Tofu into the cuts.
Suggest "Ouch!" (It's best to use English in English fanfics unless
there's no close equivalent.)
"Oi!" He yelped. "Watch it with those things! That stings!"
he (no caps)
"Well, we could either take him to Dr. Tofu's, or we could take him to the
Nekohaten." Ranma shrugged, even as Akane's withering glare killed the
Nekohanten."
potted plants behind him.
"We are not going to the Nekohaten," She stated firmly, expression grim.
Nekohanten," she
"Thank Kami that Kasumi isn't here . . ." One whispered to another. "With
kami (no caps; it's a class of spirit, not a proper name. "Kami-sama" as
a single supreme being is an OMG invention and not part of Japanese
mythology.) Also, no caps on "one" for reasons previously given.
"May I ask how Ryouga here created claw marks down Ranma's arms?" He asked,
he (no caps)
She had seen a lot of unusual things in her lifetime, but she had truly
believed that Ryouga and Ranma were friends . . . and what she had seen in
Ryouga's eyes when he attacked her fiance . . . the animalistic rage . . .
that was not something she was prepared to deal with. And it scared her. A
lot.
It seems pretty obvious that it's a new curse making Ryoga go berserk
(spring of drowned Wolverine?) and that as long as he stays away from
cold water, he'll be fine. But then again, it's not unlike these guys to
miss the obvious.
"Ryouga, what do you remember about the last week?" The doctor asked him
the doctor (once again, no caps)
while studying his eyes, trying to analyze reactions on a martial artist who
could probably take getting hit by a small car like a walk in the park.
"Last week?" The bandanna wearing martial artist focused on the floor.
bandanna-wearing
"Jackass." Ukyou grumbled. "Scaring us all like that."
Jackass,"
Ukyo's using that word so much that the repetition is annoying, BTW.
Can't she get some variety once in a while? Catch phrases are fine, but
don't overuse them.
"Thanks a lot for trying, Doc, but I guess some things are beyond science,
ne?" He shook Tofu's hand, then gestured for Akane and Ukyou to help him
Suggest: science, eh?" (Avoid gratuitous Japanese)
Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html