"Ginrai" <ranmafics@hotmail.com> wrote:
Ever since the failed wedding things have gotten progressively worse in
wedding, things had
Nerima. Genma and Soun, believing that Ranma confessed his love for
Akane, increased their attempts in getting the two together.
Meanwhile, the other fiancees (and self-proclaimed fiancee) did
whatever they can (that didn't involve explosives) to save Ranma from
such attempts. All of which resulted in the most recent event. An
event so disturbing that just thinking of it would send shivers down
ones spine. So disturbing, in fact, that it could get all four of the
one's
girls to work together.
My initial gut feeling on this is that it's too explanatory. It feels
less like I'm watching the story unfold and more like it's being
distantly related by someone.
Part of the problem, I think, is that the narrator is trying to impose
value judgements on us. You will be disturbed, the story decrees. :)
IMO, it would be better to simply show the scene; give us the
characters' reactions, but let we the readers decide for ourselves what
*our* reactions are.
"That's true, Ukyou." replied Akane, who then added, "By the way, how
were you able to knock out Ranma? Did you use any explosive
okonomiyaki?" While she might be a kind and forgiving girl most of the
time, Akane really wanted to say that.
I'm not sure how to interpret this. Is the kind and forgiving part
Akane's opinion of herself, or is the omniscient narrator telling us
this? If the former, I think it could be clearer. If the latter, it's
again a case of the narrator telling us what to think -- and in this
case it's especially unconvincing because Akane's actions in the story
don't really jibe with this statement.
"Akane really wanted to say that" is also rather vague. Can you describe
her feelings here more specifically?
For a moment it seemed as if Ukyou was fuming as Shampoo and Kodachi
were laughing. "Of course not. I just gave him some okonomiyaki
specially mixed with your cooking. Potent stuff that was."
Um... okay, but how would she have gotten her hands on some of Akane's
cooking?
Now it was Akane's turn to glower at Ukyou while she was at the
receiving end of the other girl's laughter. Ukyou just smiled back at
her. "Well, after you girls hear what Ranma said, maybe me and him can
'he and I' would be grammatically correct here. (Not sure whether this
is the author's mistake or just the character's loose speech.)
This had the effect of waking him up. "Ugh... Ucchan... that
okonomiyaki... shouldn't you be giving Akane lessons on cooking and not
the other way around?" After a few extra knocks to the head, he
realized where he was and who was in front of him. "Old Ghoul?!!!!
What do you think you're mmppphh....." He was cut short as Cologne
stuffed some mushrooms in his mouth and then snapped her fingers while
giving out her command.
"Alright son-in-law, enough is enough. Just what did you tell Akane on
"All right, son-in-law,
That's not a command, BTW. IMO, she should first tell him "Tell the
truth!"
Mount Phoenix?"
Now it is known that when swallowed, the mushroom's magic can cause
whoever ate it to do anything and this includes telling the truth.
Then again, it never did go against anything as strong as Ranma's self-
denial.
Again, here's the narrator trying to explain things to us directly. This
kind of thing isn't very convincing.
All that was left of the girls were Ukyou and Akane. Seeing Akane's
stunned expression, Ukyou decided to talk with her. "Don't feel so
bad, Akane. He almost always ends up unintentionally hurting someone.
Remember the wedding? If you guys did go on with it my honor would
have been completely destroyed. Especially since you guys tried to
have it without informing me. Ranma wouldn't have realized that. In
the end someone might have their feelings torn up. Hopefully it won't
happen to anyone."
Gack. Sweet, noble, saintly Ukyo. Gag me with a spatula. :/ Seriously,
this characterization is very hard to reconcile with her actions in the
manga. And of course they informed her. She was even invited to the
ceremony!
All Akane could do was say "Eh...." as she saw Ukyou leave the dojo.
Once she left, Akane turned her attention back to Ranma. <He didn't
say 'I love you.' back at Mount Phoenix. That means.... all this time
that I've been acting extra-nice to him and not doing anything when he
insulted me was for _nothing_! Even the time he tried to use my food
HAS she been acting extra nice to him? If that's the case, maybe you
should've showed it in the beginning.
First fanfic that I finished... yay.
Well, I'm sorry to have been so negative on it, but I calls 'em as I
sees 'em. Anyhow, you've got potential to do some good writing. Cut out
the explanatory narration and try to *show* more of the story,
especially when it comes to characterizations. Saying that Akane is a
nice person (for example) doesn't make anyone believe it, but *showing*
her *doing* something nice can.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html