Well. I guess it's about time to do my job. ^^; I AM the Newbie Patrol
Head for the SLR Team, so here goes...
----- Original Message -----
From: "Edmund Wong" <edmundw@sympatico.ca>
To: <ffml@fanfic.com>
Sent: Sunday, October 22, 2000 4:04 PM
Subject: [FFML] [Eva][fanfic?] The many kinds of wimps
"The many kinds of wimps", by Edmund Wong. :)
edmundw@sympatico.ca
And indeed, there are many.
Well, this is my first attempt at a fanfic. In fact, it is my first
attempt at writing any fiction that was more than a few paragraphs
long.
While this 16-year old high school student is hopefully somewhat
capable
of writing a course in Java programming (which is what he should be
doing instead of this right now), he has never attempted to write any
fiction of length.
Ooo. Referring to one's self in the third person. How royalist. :)
Unless if those fabricated interviews for last year's business course
counted.
Yep, that's fiction, all right.
Anyway, this fic currently lacks a lot in terms of plot, direction,
and
similar creative aspects. Don't worry, I've got a few things planned.
If
you really wanna know, there's an even more long winded piece at the
bottom explaining things.
Fun. :)
In short: If you're feeling kind, read my measly two scenes and tell
me
if I can write. :)
Will do. *knuckles cracking*
------------------
Ikari Shinji was a spineless wimp.
Good opening line. Short, simple. Gets the reader's attention.
That would be the (somewhat accurate) conclusion most would reach
after
prolonged exposure to the said individual. (Spine, of course, being
defined in its slightly more abstract definition of "strength of
character; courage or willpower")
Oh, joy. Someone who uses parentheses like I used to use ellipses.
Your grammar is excellent, as is your spelling. You DO, however, suffer
from a different problem which I will get into later on.
Of course, spineless wimps could be divided into two categories: those
who deny it, and those who don't.
Of the two groups, the former could be considered to be a "lesser"
spinelessness. After all, if you're denying it, then you're standing
up
for yourself, right? Which, theoretically, requires at least a small
bit
of a spine, right? Therefore, spineless wimps of the first category
(from this point on referred to by the name of "Category-1 Wimp")
could
be described as lacking a spine in terms of amount. They have a spine,
they just don't have much of one.
Ooh. Already a discourse, and it's only the second paragraph. ^^;
On the other hand, Shinji would often be placed into the second
category. A spineless wimp of the second category (from this point on
referred to by the name of "Category-2 Wimp") could be described as
lacking a spine in terms of presence. As most people see it, Shinji
was
What does this mean, 'lacking a spine in terms of presence'? This is a
rather clunky turn of phrase. That and the fact that 'spine' and 'wimp'
are both overused in the first four paragraphs and you have somewhat
wasted the impact of the first line. I do know what you are trying to
say, however; you're trying to say something like:
A Wimp Class-1 is short on 'spine', and a Class-2 lacks it completely.
The effect you are apparently trying to achieve is a pseudo-scholarly
discussion on 'spinelessness'. (And by god, if I see the word spine one
more time it'll lose all meaning to me. Ooops, there it goes.) The
danger of going to far with that approach is that you just might bore
the reader (results may vary from reader to reader) or lose their train
of thought (again, results vary).
Another problem is that while this presents itself as some sort of
National Geographic article on the spineless Ikari, it strikes a
conversational tone here and there, which lends to a rather inconsistent
voice.
But that's jsut a style nitpick on my part.
a wimp who was ready to apologize to anybody and everybody who showed
the slightest bit of dissatisfaction towards any aspect of the life,
character, or visual appearance of any individual within a fifty foot
diameter of his body, and also a few outside of the said area.
So... Shinji apologizes on behalf on anybody within 50'? Or to anybody?
Of course, those who know him a little better would probably lean a
bit
more towards defining Shinji as a Category-1 Wimp than most other
people
would. To Shinji's credit, he does stand up for himself some of the
time. The fact that he often relents and allows people to mercilessly
trod on him after he does is irrelevant at this point.
It seems there's some sort of subtle tense inconsistency in your writing
as well. It shifts from present to past every now and then. The
pseudo-discussion should be in the past tense if the rest of the
narrative is in that tense.
It also goes without saying that it takes a certain amount of spine to
run around the city in a gigantic multi-ton purple robot beating up
equally gigantic extraterrestrial life forms both humanoid and
non-humanoid in appearance using (albeit in slightly enlarged form)
standard issue military weaponary with sensors wired directly into
your
brain that lets you feel in excruciating detail any and all pain that
the said robot would experience if it were a slightly enlarged human
being.
Nice, if a bit long-winded.
Soryuu Asuka Langley was not one of these people.
What people? The people Shinji apologizes to? Apologizes for? Or not one
of the wimps, class-1 or class-2? And why 'these people'? Why not 'those
people'?
As she continued to chastize Shinji regarding his spinelessness on
this
particular Tuesday morning, it suddenly occurred to her that Shinji
was
More tense inconsistencies. She 'continued' (past) but on 'this' Tuesday
(present).
not paying attention to what she was saying. Instead was simply
nodding
'Instead *he* was simply nodding'
his head and mumbling apologies while he drank his tea.
It took an additional moment for her to realize she wasn't paying
attention either. In fact, she had already forgotten what had
originally
brought the matter up. She paused briefly in her verbal assault as she
attempted to retrieve details of the aforementioned incident.
Wow. This fic is starting to read like a litigation.
That was when she noticed the time.
"AARGH! We're gonna be late!"
Cute. You write somewhat like a few other writers (an early Scriviner
comes to mind -- in fact, this reads a bit like Two Hearts of One Mind),
with a detached, roaming viewpoint.
--------------------
School was not a particularly interesting place for Ikari Shinji.
Yay! He starts out with single-sentence paragraphs, like me!
Perhaps it was the fact that he did not perform so well in school.
This
was, of course, not to say that he was dumb. On the contrary he was,
in
fact, a relatively intelligent individual... after you discount the
stupidity that comes from being the wimp that he was. He knew that
both
What stupidity? Why does being a wimp make you stupid? (Just let me ask
my questions. It'll do you good. Trust me. ^^;) Is it inherent
stupidity? Why?
his parents were relatively capable people, although he didn't know
much
else about either of them.
It is hypothesized that the performance of Shinji in school is
directly
Hypothesized by whom?
related to the amount of motivation he has to listen to the teacher.
Which, in turn, is directly related to the amount of interest he holds
in the material that is being taught. Which is inversely related to
the
amount of self-pity he is feeling for himself on a particular day.
This is cute.
As the computer and mathematical types would see it, it goes like
this:
performance = motivation = (total_interest - self_pity)
In layman's terms, the less pity Shinji feels for himself, the better
he does.
You don't say.
It can therefore be concluded that Ikari Shinji did not do so well in
school because he pities his own existence too much. This conclusion,
I
must admit, does not entirely make sense on its own.
An individual who was monitoring the performance of Shinji would
probably notice the rise in his marks as of late. From these facts and
the above conclusion, one could also conclude that Shinji was feeling
better about himself lately.
On this particular Tuesday morning, Ikari Shinji was not in the depths
of self pity nor the peaks of confidence. However, he wasn't anywhere
in
between either.
On this particular Tuesday morning, Ikari Shinji was sleeping.
Study this sentence. Pared down in simple terms:
"Shinji was sleeping right now."
Huh? Perhaps you mean:
"On that particular Tuesday morning, Ikari Shinji was sleeping."
- or -
"On this particular Tuesday morning, Ikari Shinji is sleeping."
Indeed, the depths of slumber are both deeper than his self pity *and*
deep enough to completely obscure his peaks of confidence from view.
See? Now you use 'are'. When is this happening, exactly, in referrence
to the telling of the story?
On this particular Tuesday morning, Ikari Shinji's slumber was also
deep enough to induce R.E.M. sleep. In other words, Shinji was
dreaming.
Sometimes, dreams can be quite disturbing.
You use parenthetical and qualifying terms a lot. Sometimes. Often.
Almost. Eh? This sort of style can give a wishy-washy tone to your
writing.
Unfortunately, Shinji does not take disturbing dreams well. In this
particular case, Shinji had bolted up to a standing position.
Unfortunately, Shinji was slumped over the desk while he was sleeping,
which meant that both his chair and table had been toppled over.
Does not? Did not? Was slumped over? Is slumped over?
Blinking himself into the world of the waking, Shinji looked around at
the eyes staring at him. Then he looked down at himself and realized
the
situation he was in.
"Umm... Sorry."
He then stooped down to straighten out his chair/desk combination with
the intention of going back to sleep. Unfortunately for him, it was
rather difficult to go to sleep with awareness of the stares that his
fellow students were giving him at this moment. In the other side of
the
classroom, he heard some giggling.
Shinji groaned.
---------------
Author's Notes (can I really call myself an author at this point?):
Yes. Better than many other newbie forays, but still needs a bit of
polishing.
The form this fic manifests itself as is a test of my English literacy
skills. More than anything, it is proof to myself that I can write
about
more than classes and linked lists in English.
Ah. Well, you can write, and you obviously have your own way of turning
a phrase. Just a little work on tense consistency and pronoun agreement.
Although the non-programmer reading my writings regarding the above
may
need some convincing that the said writing IS, in fact, English.
You don't say.
Ah well.
Anyway, as I said, I wanted to write this to test out my ability to
write fiction. Basically, I want a bit of that C&C stuff.
Well, here it is.
'But why should we comment on something that has no plot?'
Actually, this is a situational more than a story at this point.
Hey, look at it this way. If you think my writing is horrible and
enough
people bash me about it, then I'll stop filling your inboxes with my
abominations. :)
Since there's not much plot to comment on, I am looking for C&C on
writing style, spelling/grammar (although I try to get that one
covered
myself), characterization, and other qualities you people consider
that
a fanfic should possess. For example, sometimes I find myself using
the
same words too much. I try to clear that up, but am I successful?
Partly. It's in the nature and structure of your discourse that makes
you use the same terms over and over.
Apart from plot. I'm getting that covered, okay? :)
Sure. :)
And since there's no plot that you guys are aware of right now, the
title is very far from permanent. If I were writing this on paper
(which
I'm not, partly because my writing looks worse than chickenscratch -
if
you really wanna know, I'll scan you a sample :D - partly because I
type
around twenty times faster than I write, and partly because I've got a
monster blister on my right pinky that is impeding my ability to
utilize
a standard writing utensil correctly), the title would be written VERY
lightly in pencil. And there would be an eraser strategically
positioned
right next to it. This "fic" has a title because you would probably
not
be reading these long winded author's notes if I had posted it as
"Untitled" or "(no subject)".
Yeah. That's how it goes.
I've already got a few comments from other individuals. It's been
established that I like long sentences. Really long sentences. Long
sentences that never seem to end and annoy the hell out of the poor
reader trying to make some sense out if it. I'm trying to remedy that.
Really.
Okay, I'll take your word for it.
I also seem to have a tendancy to write completely redundant
sentences.
I guess I write English too much like the way I write code. (If you
really wanna know, I start out using two million variables to ease
debugging and then start shortening the code and memory usage out
after
it starts to work.) I am expecting sentences to disappear next time I
go
back to this.
Now if only you could eliminate recursion like you do in code. :) Just
kidding.
I am also expecting comments on my usage of certain things too much.
Like big words or dashes.
Or, for that matter, words period.
Ahr.
I wrote this all in around an hour at 2am, so go easy on me, will ya?
:)
I wrote GS #1 at around the same time, while I was inebriated on a
mixture of beer, gin, and iced tea. ^^; Good ideas come out of those
moments.
P.S. I'm Canadian. British Commonwealth spelling is used here, okay?
English may not be the first language I learned, but I can actually
pass
myself up for being literate in English - which is more than I can say
about my Chinese... :)
That's okay. English isn't my native tongue either.
P.P.S. Can I really call the above two scenes a "fanfic", or am I
cheating myself? :)
It's the build-up to one. Some writers have tried to pass off less
substantial works as 'fanfiction', of the 'funny-ass' type. No,
seriously. I'd never heard of 'funny-ass' stories until I read some of
the recent stuff on the list. Self-proclaimed 'funny-ass' fics. What is
this list coming to?
But I digress. ^^; Your style just needs some cleaning up, that's all. A
little tightening of your prose, a little cleaning up here and there.
You'll do fine. Just make this thing a story already. :)
TimeRunner
SLR Newbie Patrol Head
=====
w.o.m
TimeRunner's Web Page:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/7482
=====
"Most people who want to be writers don't really want to be writers.
They
want to HAVE BEEN writers."
--- James A. Michener