=====================================
Let's try this one again.
======================================
[The camera fades in on Knight Writer and Hikaru Gosunkugi, sitting
in their well-worn chairs and passing around a bucket of popcorn.]
Knight: Hi, all and welcome to another MSTing by yours truly and
Hikaru Gosunkugi.
Gos: You know, a lot of people have sent us fics to be MSTed, and
let me tell you it ain't easy. So, don't take it personally if we don't get
to yours right away.
Knight: Yeah. Also, if you send fics to us as attachments, make sure
they're in plain text format.
Gos: That's the one with the file extension .txt
Knight: That makes things SO much easier on us. [To Gos]: So, what's
our target today?
Gos: This time it's a songfic by Sebastion Fitsroy. It's the song
"Lift Your Head Up High" by the Bloodhound Gang.
Knight: Snappy title. Okay, roll it!
[The jumbotron remains blank. Knight and Gos glare at it impatiently.]
Knight: I said ROLL IT!
Gos: Hey, Carl? You up there?
[Carl's voice sounds over the speakers in the ampitheater.]
Carl: Whoa, sorry, man...
Knight: Carl, put the bloody bong down and START THE FIC already!
Carl: Sure thing, man...
Gos: We really have to fire that guy...
============================================
[You're on. I'll forward you one of my short fics. I think you may enjoy this
one. It's a songfic. Have fun.
-------------------------------------------------------
Knight: Oh, we will.
[Knight cackles menacingly.]
-------------------------------------------------------
Hey party people. Wave your hands in the air. <grin>
----------------------------------------------------
[Knight and Gos wave their hands in the air, stopping briefly to eat
more popcorn.]
----------------------------------------------------
This one goes out to everyone who's seen the last TV episode of
EVA. Have a nice one, peeps.
---------------------------------------------------
Knight: I haven't seen it.
Gos: Me, neither.
Knight: Sucks to feel left out.
Gos: There, there...
---------------------------------------------------
Oh and I nearly forgot, I'm dedicating this songfic to that swinging
couple Mr. & Ms. Bartram. <evil grin>
----------------------------------------------------
Knight: I'm getting nervous already.
----------------------------------------------------
Now, without further ado....
Lift Your Head Up High
aka
Bastion's Tribute to the Last Episode of EVA
by Bastion
Inspired by the song, Lift Your Head Up High (And Blow Your Brains Out)
by the Bloodhound Gang.
----------------------------------------------------
Knight: What did I say about that title?
Gos: You called it snappy.
Knight: Me and my big mouth.
-----------------------------------------------------
*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*
[The screen is black and when, in ominous fashion, white words
fade over the darkness..]
It was 2016 A.D.
-----------------------------------------------------
Gos: And all through the house...
-----------------------------------------------------
The thing people lost, in other words, the complementation of
the mind is on the run.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Knight: Say what?
Gos: The only thing I see on the run is that sentence.
--------------------------------------------------------------
However, it's too short a time to describe the entire process.
[They slowly disappear, only to be instantly replaced.]
Therefore, we discuss on the complementation of the mind of one
single boy named Ikari Shinji.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Knight: I may not be an NGE fan, but I have seen quite a few fics
that sketch his character.
Gos: Guess he's just lovable.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
[The characters dissipate into the background, and a spotlight
shines on a young, frail brown-haired boy, with the caption,
'Case 3: In the case of Ikari Shinji.' appearing above him.
They fade away and the boy sits in his chair in silence, when
suddenly he hears clapping and echoes of music everywhere.
Without warning, a large group of familiar faces are illuminated
by enigmatic spotlights.]
All: <clapping> Lift your head up high and blow your brains out!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Knight: What a nice thing to say...
Gos: No kidding.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
[Then a redhead in a school uniform dances out from the
darkness, holding a microphone connected to a toy mini-piano her
face just mere inches from the boy's.]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Knight: Call the paramedics, Gos. We got a run-on sentence on
Highway Twelve.
Gos: Roger.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Asuka: Do you still go to raves? Do you think Christ saves?
Do you spend your days in a Purple Haze?
Do you contemplate what a grape nut is?
Or could you live drinkin' your own whiz?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Knight: What... the... HELL is that?
Gos: Y'know, this popcorn just isn't as good anymore.
Knight: I won't even go into the Christ bit. This ain't the place
for a religious conversation.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[A purple haired woman in a red jacket and black dress pops out
of the blackness under a spotlight, wagging a finger at the boy
while clutching an alcoholic beverage.]
Misato: Are you hooked on a feeling are you hooked on
gin-n-tonics?
Are you hooked on fistin' are you hooked on phonics?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Knight: Huked on fonix wurkd fur mee!
Gos: If this is for people who have a hard time reading, then why
does that 800-number end in ABCDEFG?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Asuka pushes out the woman and nails the boy square between the
eyes with a box of tissues. The boy finds himself on his back
with the smirking, upside down visage of Asuka still in his
vision.]
Asuka: Did you ever have sex with a box of Kleenex?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Knight: I think I'm gonna be sick.
Gos [pointing to his left]: Bathroom's that way, and I'm right
behind ya.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
[The boy blushes while a blond boy in camouflage comes out of
the darkness and begins to take out objects from assorted
pockets on his person.]
Kensuke: Did you like the movie Malcolm X?
Or do you own a record by Stryper?
Do you have a mongoloid cousin wearin' diapers?
Were you born and raised in New Jersey?
Did you like the taste of Crystal Pepsi?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Gos: Whoa. Weird Al Yankovic on acid.
Knight: I don't even want to think about that.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
[The redhead pushes the blond aside and continues to sing into
her toy synthesizer, dancing provocatively in the boy's face.]
Asuka: Are you deaf? Well if you are you can't hear me
But what's the use of living if your ear's be?
Broken even if I had spoken clearly
You're stall knot table two eer mi
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Knight: That took me awhile to decipher, and I'm trying not to be
offended. My grandmother happens to be deaf.
Gos: Knight, don't go there.
Knight [breathing slowly for a few moments]: I'm okay. Hey, he's
just using the song lyrics. It's not like he wrote them.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
[The girl scratches her inner ear and rubs it contents on the
boy's shoulder.]
Asuka: Cause life is a game that no one wins
But you deserve a headstart the way your life's goin'
[Asuka waves her finger at the boy.]
Asuka: So throw in the towel cause your life ain't shit
[A towel slaps the boy in the face.]
Asuka: No take that towel and hang yourself with it
[Before the boy can peel the towel off his face, it squeezes
dangerously around his neck, the redhead smiles as she applies
more pressure.]
----------------------------------------------------------
Knight: Wow, THIS is a cheerful tune.
Gos: Makes me want to take a walk in the park.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Asuka: Life's short and hard like a body-building elf
----------------------------------------------------------
Gos: Eeewwww......
----------------------------------------------------------
[She steps back and poses. The boy takes in a gulp of air.]
Asuka: So save the planet and kill yourself
If your feeling down-and-out with what your life is all about
Lift your head up and blow your brains out!
[Suddenly, the entire cast is spotlighted once again.]
All: Lift your head up and blow your brains out!
[A chorus of Reis dance into view, wiggling their hips to the
rhythm of the music.]
---------------------------------------------------------
Gos: Hentai fanboys of the world, unite!
Knight: Rally! Rally!
Gos: Vincent?
Knight: Shut up, Gos.
---------------------------------------------------------
Asuka: Lift your head up high and blow your brains out
[The chorus wiggles once more and vanishes. Then two spotlights
follow Ritsuko and Misato, Major Katsuragi whispers to the boy
while playfully pointing to the blonde.]
Misato: Does your girlfriend look like the chick from M*A*S*H?
Dead ringer for Klinger with a thicker mustache?
-----------------------------------------------------------
Knight: That's just wrong, man...
Gos: I thought Klinger was a guy.
------------------------------------------------------------
[A pale, grey-haired boy in a blue dress walks between Ritsuko
and the boy. The grey-haired boy curtsies and smiles gayly at
the boy and walks off. The boy and Ritsuko stare in disbelief,
Misato carries on obliviously.]
Misato: When you're at a get-together does everybody always ask?
Ain't no Halloween party why's she wearin' that mask?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Knight: Man, Shinji's family must be a bunch of real bastards.
-------------------------------------------------------------
[Misato giggles. The blonde straightens her lab coat and aims
her retort towards the boy.]
Ritsuko: Does she got more Chins than the Chinese phone book?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Gos: Oh, that's a pleasant image.
Knight: And this is dedicated to a married couple?
-------------------------------------------------------------
[Glowering at Ritsuko, Misato replies back to the boy.]
Misato: Would you rather make out with a rusty fish hook?
----------------------------------------------------------------
Knight: Um... ow?
Gos: Why are Misato and Ritsuko replying to Shinji? He hasn't said a
word!
----------------------------------------------------------------
[Now the two women are talking directly to each other much to
the boy's chagrin.]
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Gos: I think he'd be HAPPY to have those two psychos stop talking to
him.
Knight: I know I would.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Ritsuko: Does she stick to linoleum when she squats?
Misato: Does she look pregnant although she's not?
[The blonde puts her hands on her hips and gives her fellow
woman the one, two.]
Ritsuko: Did you first see your boyfriend on Cops?
[Kaji is shown being escorted by law enforcement officers. He
smiles a toothy smile at Misato.]
--------------------------------------------------------------
Knight: Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?
Gos: Shut up, Knight.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Ritsuko: Or at a Star Trek convention or on top?
[In the old style Star Trek uniform, Kaji lifts his hand and
attempts the Vulcan sign without much success while one of his
fake ears fall off.]
Ritsuko: Of your best friend or maybe at Wendy's?
Workin' third shift late New Year's Eve?
[Now Kaji appears wearing an apron and oblong hat. He waves at
Misato as he flips a burger. She sighs.]
Ritsuko: Does he live under a bridge, scare kids, and kill
squirrels?
---------------------------------------------------------------
Gos: Does he also have a billygoat fixation?
----------------------------------------------------------------
[A very dingy Kaji pops up from under a bridge, barring his fake
fangs and scaring everyone. Then he smiles a maize-like smile
and waves at Misato.]
Ritsuko: Does he do kegstands until he hurls?
[From in front of a toilet, Kaji weakly lifts his hand and waves
while continuing his praising.]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Knight: Been there, done that, got the liver damage to prove it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ritsuko: Could a blind man mistake his complexion for Braille?
[Kaji, wearing a long cloak and a hood over his face, limps into
view. Removing his hood, he smiles, though it's hardly visible
through all the lumps of skin. He waves at Misato. She
shivers.]
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gos: Acne cream. It works wonders. Use it.
Knight: I think I'm gonna be sick.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ritsuko: Does he have time to sit around and wait for the mail?
[Standing next to mail box Kaji dusts off his cardigan sweater
and waves at Misato, oblivious to the canine relieving itself on
his leg. Asuka jumps between the arguing women.]
Asuka: Life is a game that no one wins
[The boy gets tugged to his left.]
Hikari: But you deserve a headstart the way your life's goin'
[Then to his right.]
Kensuke: So throw in the towel cause your life ain't shit
[Back to the middle.]
Asuka: No take that towel and hang yourself with it
[The others crowd around Asuka.]
Hikari: Life's short and hard like a body-building elf
[Touji gets on his knees and flexes, Hikari rests her hand on
head and ruffles his hair.]
Asuka: So save the planet and kill yourself
--------------------------------------------------------------
Knight: I think whoever wrote this song should take his own advice.
Gos: I second that.
------------------------------------------------------------
[Touji gooses Asuka from behind and continues.]
Touji: If your feeling down-and-out with what your life is all
about
[A large red mallet nails Touji into the ground with Asuka
smiling from the other end.]
Asuka: Lift your head up and blow your brains out!
[With a wiggle of her nose and a snap of her fingers, the
spotlight over the cast activates on cue.]
All: Lift your head up and blow your brains out!
[The Rei chorus returns, but this time wiggle closer to the
boy's face. Asuka blocks his view of the dancing Rei's right
before the blood in the boy's nose reaches critical mass.]
---------------------------------------------------------------
Gos: We got a bleeder!
Knight: Core meltdown! Nose geyser imminent! Evacuate!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Asuka: Lift your head up high and blow your brains out
[The boy loses the fight with his nose when Asuka joins in with
the authoritative swinging of hips of the chorus.]
Asuka: So take your life, instead of taking it for granted
I'm thinking you should can it
[Kensuke whips out a detailed diagram and pie charts.]
Kensuke: I think I'll help you plan it
[Kaji, still in his cardigan sweater, puts a reassuring hand on
the boy's shoulder. The boy cowers away.]
Kaji: Live today like it's gonna be your last
Hang out, blow your mind, have yourself a gas
I hope you take this the wrong way
And misinterpret what I say
Rewind and let me reverse it
Backwards like Judas Priest first did
[Everyone steps away to make room for Gendo emerging from
darkness seated at a desk, his hands interlaced in front of his
face and uttering total jiberish.]
Gendo: Iliovar feeb idrayob fehc ruoy tae dna pu ekaw dlihc
lived
Iliovar feeb idrayob fehc ruoy tae dna pu ekaw dlihc lived
---------------------------------------------------------
Knight: Um, what?
Gos: Can we get a mirror in here?
[A large mirror descends from the ceiling of the ampitheater,
showing the backwards text in it right order.]
Knight: "Devil child wake up and eat your chef boyardee beef raviolli".
Gos: .regnatrs dna regnatrs gnitteg speek tsuj sihT
Knight: Now don't YOU start!
--------------------------------------------------------------
[Asuka hops onto Gendo's desk, taking out a gun and busies
herself polishing it. She gets off the desk and is joined by
Kaoru blowing his trumpet. Asuka waves the gun around
dangerously as the song enters its final chorus. Everyone takes
cover.]
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Gos: Maybe we oughtta take cover from this songfic.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Asuka: Cause life is a game that no one wins
But you deserve a headstart the way your life's goin'
[Asuka swings, Kaoru ducks.]
Asuka: So throw in the towel cause your life ain't shit
No take that towel and hang yourself with it
[Irritated, Asuka swings once more with fervor. Kaoru ducks and
still keeps blowing.]
-----------------------------------------------------
Gos: I won't touch that one.
Knight: Me, neither.
-----------------------------------------------------
Asuka: Life's short and hard like a body-building elf
So save the planet and kill yourself
If your feeling down-and-out with what your life is all about
[Asuka finally connects with Kaoru, knocking him off his feet
and ruining his trumpet. She smiles satisfied and moves into
the boy's face once more.]
Asuka: Lift your head up and blow your brains out!
[A spotlight flips on over a shooting gallery full of moving,
metal targets resembling the boy in different states of dress.
The redhead takes aim as the cast sings.]
All: Lift your head up and blow your brains out!
*BANG!*
[The boy cringes as a target goes down.]
----------------------------------------------------------------
Knight: We're way ahead of ya, Shinji.
Gos: We've been cringing since this fic started.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
All: Lift your head up and blow your brains out!
*BANG!*
[Another target goes down.]
All: Lift your head up and blow your brains out!
*BANG!*
[Yet another goes down.]
----------------------------------------------------------------
Gos: And another one down, and another one down.
Knight: Another one bites the dust!
----------------------------------------------------------------
All: Lift your head up and blow your brains out!
*BANG!*
[The final target goes down and the boy finds himself staring at
the barrel of Asuka's gun. She leans in, her smirk engraved on
her face and presses the weapon into the boy's forehead.
Finally, she leans even closer and whispers.]
Asuka: Lift your head up high and blow your brains out
---------------------------------------------------------------
Knight: Oh, yeah. I'm gonna have nightmares from this.
---------------------------------------------------------------
[The boy closes his eyes, waiting for the trigger. To his
surprise, the gun moves away and he feels a peck on the nose. The
lights go out, leaving the boy the solitary figure spotlighted.
He stares ahead vacantly for a moment, hiccups once, falls over,
and the view fades to black.]
Congratulations. The End.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Knight and Gos: Thank God!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
^^Notes:^^
Nothing, really. I mean what do you want me to say?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Gos: We could think of a few things...
Knight: But we won't go into detail. Kids could read this, after all.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
**Disclaimer:**
EVA is property of Gainex
The song Lift Your Head Up High (And Blow Your Brains Out) is
property of the Bloodhound Gang and Geffen Records.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Knight: And they can have it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks for staring at me funny and please come again...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Gos [in a Dr. Evil voice]: Rrriiiiight.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
<Continued>