----- Original Message -----
From: <Platinum_Dragon@usinternet.com>
To: "FFML" <ffml@fanfic.com>
Sent: Saturday, October 21, 2000 5:07 AM
Subject: [FFML] <Shortfic><Monster Rancher>Falling
[snip disclaimer]
Ooh. So far, so good. Seeing no spelling errors within the first paragraph
is always a good sign, and the spell-checker yields no errors, either. :)
Thanks a lot for making it easier for commentors/criticizers. ^_^
then just the knowledge that someday, we all will eventually move off of
than just the
[Basic Rules of Thumbelina]: Then is a sort of sequencing word. "I did
this, then I did that later." Than, what you should have used, is a
comparison word. "I like G.I. Joe better than Barbie, Mommy!"
this coil. It was... a certainty that I had, the second that I first
What coil? Please make this clear, Platinum_Dragon-san. (Don't you just
love the Japanese suffixes? ^_^ They're unisex, so I can't possibly make a
fool out of myself.) Do you mean the mortal coil? Do you think you could
please specify?
recognized him riding Falcon. I have to get the kid credit... he seems
to
I believe you mean 'give' the kid credit? I've never heard of the phrase:
'get the kid credit,' sorry. ^^; (Ooh, Waltz for the Moon. Forgot how
much I loved this song. Anyhoo...)
left us alone. I never would have believed that he'd manage to convince
him
'He' as in Genki? Convince who? Falcon? Think you could make this a
little clearer, too, Platinum_Dragon-san?
really describe, beyond that he can do things... Things that shouldn't be
If "Things that shouldn't be" is a continuation of the prior sentence,
shouldn't it start with a lower-case?
going to die to follow them. Despite Big Blue's protests that I not go,
even though he knows as well as I do that Moo must be stopped.
to follow them, despite Big Blue's protests
If you leave it the way it is, it's only a sentence fragment. If you
removed the "even though ... stopped," the sentence would just read:
"Despite Big Blue's protests that I not go." OR you COULD write: "Big Blue
protests that I not go, even though he ... stopped."
By the way, Dragon-san, are you writing in past or present tense? It seems
to me that for the most part, you're writing in past, but every so often, I
see a present-tense verb and it just throws me off... <:) Maybe you could
go over all your verbs again?
hold him off as long as I did; to stay alive long enough to find myself
'as I did--to stay alive' OR 'as I did, to stay alive'
So now, I'm falling, and I know that I'm going to die. I don't even
have the energy to open my eyes, much less spread my wings and save
myself.
Didn't he already SAY this? o.<;
I'm leaving him alone too. Sometimes... sometimes it starts to feel like
him alone, too.
won't really have time to understand. I can't be very far from the
ground,
now... I've been falling for a long time. Or have I? Suddenly I don't
know for sure. It seems like a long time since Moo's last blast threw me
out the window, but I can't be sure... after all, the only way that I
know
I'm still falling is because I can feel the wind rushing against my face;
my
body. I stopped hearing it rushing by my ears not long after I started
falling. Why can't it just happen, and be done with?
::musing:: Is he already dead? Maybe he didn't even feel his body hit the
ground?
anything, other then hatred, fear, and loathing. It's just the same
Again, it's 'than' you ought to use. ^_^
strong. I can see why he's so important to them... Why he's starting to
to them... why he's
*^.^* Awww, Pixie...! ... O_O;; Oops, I thought Pixie was a male
throughout the entire story! Sorry 'bout that!
And... how good...
How good, and comfortable, and... warm...
How... how right... it feels.
O,o;; This might be a liiiiitttle misleading here... I haven't seen much
of Monster Rancher, so does she always feel like that towards Genki after
she's become good?
Hey, pretty good! I haven't read anything from the FFML for a good long
while, but I'm glad I read this. This was really nice to read--it was
written very well, Platinum_Dragon-san; I really enjoyed the flowing quality
of language you used. It was also formatted nicely, making it a pleasure to
the eyes, and there were absolutely no spelling errors (a rare occurrence to
me). However, I'm a little confused as to what the tense used is in this
story--is it past or present?
Anyway, thanks. ^_^
Nibun
~~~~~*~~~~~
--pinku_chan@hotmail.com
--http://members.nbci.com/nibunyuri/