[Warning: Spoilers, this takes place in the middle of Episode 23]
[Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion and its characters are owned by Gainax]
A Ludicrous Configuration! Productions Fic
Torn
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Blood spattered on the ground in thick, red drops, diluted by the
pouring rain. It was midnight, and only scattered lightning was able
to break the spell of darkness, revealing as it did a young girl
limping across the deserted street. Upon reaching the sidewalk, she
collapsed, barely stopping herself before smacking against the slick
cement. A groan escaped her clenched teeth as she pulled herself up
slowly, only just managing to keep her feet beneath her frail body. It
was the fourth time since leaving headquarters that she had fallen,
struggling against the excruciating pain.
Sliding her card through the lock, her apartment door creaked open.
She entered, slipped off her shoes while holding onto the wall, and
walked quietly into her bedroom. At the bed she paused, her fists
clenching in and out. Light from the window highlighted her pale face,
catching like a prism a single teardrop sliding down her perfect
features. Tonight, the commander had, for the second time in past few
weeks, reminded her of who she was, and why she existed.
*FLASHBACK*
"You are a tool, Rei, created for a purpose. You have no
emotions, no individual thoughts. Your sole desire is to do my will,
do you understand?" *slap* "Do you think me blind, while you follow
after the Third Child? You will forget him! I am your only focus,
your only reason for existing."
*END FLASHBACK*
Collapsing upon her mattress, tears came unbidden to her ruby eyes,
those eyes that had scared so many people away. She had forgotten the
pain his 'reminder' caused, physically as well as mentality. Her body
felt dirty, used. Almost akin to...a doll. Could Sohryu be right?
Was that all she was, the Commander's plaything? It couldn't be, he
had a true purpose for her, a reason for creating her, as he had
explained to her. Should she be angry at him, her creator? For years,
she had thought the Commander had changed, thought that he had finally
accepted her. Accepted her as... as... as what? A friend? A
companion? A... daughter? She had been foolish, irrational to believe
such a thing. After all, who was Ayanami Rei to the world? A unique
being, a special person? No...how could a clone experience
individuality?
Ayanami Rei...two words describing her existence, giving her physical
form a name. Two words, hiding others from her true identity. Two
words, afterthoughts of the Commander's, to call her when needed. She
hated them, what they stood for, how they were used. Little children
would run from those two words, their parents looking another direction
as she passed. Once, she had hated the looks she got from other
people, the extra space put between her and their children. Only the
Commander ever visited her. Only he helped her. Only he...cared? No.
She had been forced to remember, she was simply his tool, his object,
to be used at his leisure. He acted kind only when it suited his
purposes, kept her from experiencing, or even understanding, human
emotion. She hated the life she had been given, hated the fact that he
used her, hated being denied a chance to live normally, without
rejection. She hated -him-. But, what was hate? An emotion? Others
believed she had no emotions. She was not supposed to have emotions.
Lying her head on her pillow, she wished her life was over. While it
was not the first time, she had long known that at any time, she could
be re-created, caught in a prison she could never escape from, until
the Commander's plan was complete.
She caught her breath. If she died, another clone would take her
place, but would it remember any of these feelings? Perhaps she truly
could be free, free from the pain living caused. The hope of such a
possibility caused her to act.
With the events of the evening still fresh in her mind, she made a decision
without thinking. Standing up from the bed, she walked into the small,
dirty washroom, catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror above the
sink, her tear-streaked face, tangled hair, and red, wet eyes. Crying,
she clenched her eyes shut and slammed her fist into the glass, breaking
it into large shards. Looking at her hand, she was surprised to see
that she had not been cut by the sharp edges, but dismissed the
thought. She picked up a long, thin piece of glass, and ran it across
her wrist, through her vein. Biting her lip slightly from the pain, she
watched as her lifeblood slowly poured out, onto the floor. Her
decision made and carried out, she let herself sink to the floor. As
she lay back, images flowed through her mind. Her childhood of sorts,
the Commander, Dr. Akagi, Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki, Major Katsuragi...
Shinji Ikari. His face stood out over all the others, and she suddenly
became ashamed of her actions. Ikari had saved her. He had been kind.
He had understood, or seemed to. Could he have actually...cared?
She slumped against the wall, whispering his name. "Shinji-kun..."
------------------------------- Finis ---------------------------------
It's been a while since the very first draft of this went out, as I've been
very busy with other projects. However, the Tako Ball Awards were a bit of
an inspiration, so here's the 3rd draft (the 2nd one got skipped over
already). Basically, I've always felt sorry for Rei's place in Eva...she
deserves more.
C&C welcome, as usual. My email is onfire_4jc@hotmail.com.
- David 'OnFire4jc' Perini
http://www.tantalis.com/david