Subject: [FFML] [Advanced Variable Geo] Variable Nu chapter 1 (without
whiny foreword)
$Although I'd planned on C&Cing it anyway, I believe I'll prefer this one.
As always, all statements I make are fact, as they are in fact, my opinions.
Advanced Variable Geo - Variable Nu
Chapter 1 - Goddesses Descending On The Field
$And giving us a really really good look up their skirts as they do.
by A-kun
I didn't choose this series over other fighting series' only because the
fighters got naked (that part is purely a bonus).
$Caught my eye when I first saw the anime, I'll admit.
Besides, the naked stuff
only appears in the anime, to my current knowledge.
$The H-game as well. It's not bad as H-games go, if a little small.
The real reason I chose
VG was because, unlike 99% of fighting games and anime, the main character
IS NOT MALE! In fact, most of the leading characters ARE ALSO NOT MALE!
This is the most annoying thing for me when viewing a series. Having a male
hero is okay, but there are far too many secondary females and way, WAY too
many leading males. Hell, even in most series where there are female leads,
a guy'll usually have to save their asses! It's pathetic, repetitious and
annoying! Which is why, while I'll have a few male characters, most of them
will be side characters, or at the very most, helpful advisors that do
something to help out and then go away. At one point, later on, a guy might
show off, but that'll have no real effect on the story.
$Well, I hate to break it to you, but roughly half the world is male. Y
chromosomes happen, you know. Not having but a token guy in a story is a
little far fetched. Rampant lesbian sex goddesses not withstanding.
Having seen the Variable Geo video (dubbed version, but I might purchase
the subtitled version to compare the translations) and learned vaguely a bit
more via websites, I've begun this series tentatively.
$I'll help where I can. Sorry this took so long, but it took me a bit to
track down my copy and rewatch it to make sure I know what's going on.
I'm looking for the
game in hopes of finding more distinct moves among other things (like other
characters, gosh darn it!).
$Very thin on characters. You'll have to make up many if you want a well
fleshed story.
Until then, I'll be going ahead with only my
knowledge of DBZ, Street Fighter, Ranma 1/2, Rival School and Art of
Fighting styles of combat.
$Close enough.
How unfortunate. But, I'm fairly sure I can
hash together the necessary combatative information.
Note as of sometime between the year 1999 and the year 2000: I finally
found a copy of the game online, but I'm only allowed to keep it for a day,
$How's that?
so I'll play the living crap out of it to see if I can get down more of the
moves. I'm also looking for a copy of the second game, as I've heard
numerous characters pop up in that game as well.
$Havn't even heard of the second game. Actually, the only VG game I'm
familiar with is the H-game, like I said.
If you can't tell, I rant when I explain. BEEEDAH!
$So do I, and I always write about a page of foreword rant at the start of
every fic. Then, right before I post, I delete every word. Works wonders.
Note: You don't _have_ to know about Variable Geo (or Advanced Variable Geo
as the game is called) to read this fanfic. However, I do introduce some of
the older characters without giving them an explanation until the end of the
fanfic. Expect spoilers for the Anime and some self-made decisions on
outcomes. Also, I'll be using the Anime as kind of a background, but
somethings, like Washio, will be edited out.
$Aww, I liked Washio. A fairly confident wuss that isn't some sort of
overpowered bastard in disguise is a rare thing in anime. SI or not, at
least he was tasteful. When you get down to it, all characters are SI's to
a point. But that's neither here nor there.
Just replace Washio with
Nameless Witless Minion #6 and edit out every frame where Reimi comes on to
Washio. If you don't know who Washio or Reimi are, ignore the two sentences
above.
$You should have at least left her het/mildly bi.
Lemon Note: *Mega-Blush* Um, yeah. There ARE _some_ naughty bits in this
series. I've decided to outline those heavily, so if you don't want to read
Lemon, I'll mark the Lemon bits with the following tag: [[[[LEMON]]]] The
rest of the story will continue with [[[[BATTLE]]]] By the way, I'm not
promising a lemon scene every chapter. This is supposed to be about the
plot, not the sex. BEEEEEEEEEEEDAAAAAAAH!
===================================================
In the near future, the faltering "Family Restaurant Industry" began to
sponsor fighting tournaments featuring members of their own staff in order
to boost their patronage... Thus began the sport of Full contact
waitressing.
$Clearly stemming from the R1/2 universe. Who else would be that nuts?
As it quickly becomes known as more of a success than even the
most optimistic restauranteur had hoped.
But there's more at stake here than prize money and free advertising. The
mysterious Jahanna Group, which has marketed the tournaments, has quietly
begun to infiltrate the restaurants which feature Full-Contact Waitressing.
To enter the tournaments, one must have a sponsoring resturaunt (but those
who enter can be their own sponsors if they have a resturaunt), a will to
fight and be female. If any waitresses were to win the entire sectional
tournament (each section ending whenever the fighters felt like it and
starting the next spring), she would get ten million dollars and her choice
of prime real estate in any city she desires. However, losing can often
carry the burden of having to put on an embarrassing performance to the
victor's whims or possibly even strip naked in front of the viewing
audience.
$Which of course explains the popularity. WCW/WWF, eat yer heart out.
Because of these embarrassing costs, not all fighter/waitresses desire to
enter the tournament and the tournament has come under fire from some strong
critics. So, depending on the level of the victory, one might not have to
strup, but they will have to do something asinine and embarrassing.
$Strip.
Besides, they may not have a viewing audience as some fights quickly get out
of hand.
Despite the more-than-blatant assaults on the sport and the high risk of
embarrassment, there are still many brave waitresses that enter the
tournament in hopes of winning the money. Some out of desperation, some out
of desire and others because they're secretly exihibitionists.
$Fanservice, thy name is Variable Geo.
I think the
last one is a low probability, but there are such people out there and they
might join the sport just to show off.
*WHAM* *CRASH* *TINKLE* *TINKLE*
There goes the fourth wall. And my credibility.
*SMASH* *CRASH* *TINKLE* *TINKLE* *TINKLE*
Hey, my self respect! Dammit, I wanted that!
*WERUNK**KZZZZZZZZT*
Aw well, it's not like I ever really noticed those things until I'd
destroyed them completely. Anyway, those who enter the tournaments may
battle whenever and whomever they choose, so two tournament fighters would
not have to fight were they to meet. Not to mention some don't recognize
each other as newbies join every spring and might not fight until later in
the season. The Champion of the sectional tournament does not need to
battle anyone the next year, save the last remaining warrior who hasn't been
eliminated from the tournament.
$They frequently do anyway, just to keep their fanbase up.
The tournament fighters are called "VG Warriors" and carry special cards
that allow them to call and challenge each other among other things such as
call up specially-made rings and conformation poles which confirm that she
is a VG Warrior and that she is still active in the tournaments.
Eh. Enough with the boring crap, ON WITH THE STORY!
$Bout time. Although I can understand your desire to give a little
background info for an anime that many people probably havn't seen, a way of
establishing the characters beforehand and all, I think you should
completely delete this little section. Establish the characters on your
own, you can do that. To keep your readers from getting confused, throw in
a few bits from the past to explain things. Show, don't tell in this
instance.
Variable Geo is a pretty short series, and not that much happened. You can
get away with giving less because there is less, unlike what would happen if
you tried to write a fic based on some incredibly rare series with more
episodes than R1/2 and still have people read and understand.
****** ****** ****** ****** ******
"Hmmm, another BORING day...." Ayako Yuuki sighed, lazily looking out at
the main resturaunt of the SOTO bar and grille even though her eyes always
looked closed.
$Formatting problem.
The customers just weren't coming in today. The tables had been mostly
bare except for a few regulars who came for the bar. The most she had to do
so far today was take an order for a prime steak.
$In Japan that's what, 9-10000 yen? More probably. Kobe beef is high.
She looked at the dance floor that the SOTO also sported. Again, bare.
The techno-funk music that had been playing was rather generic recently.
She'd have to talk with the manager about that. Not to mention that the
lights, while well-positioned and numerous in colors, were flashing off of
the mirror-esque floor. It made the room seem even more boring and empty.
Ayako was pretty much ready to ask her manager for the rest of the day off.
It was usually about then that a mysterious stranger would show up and
$Either a formatting error or a short tab, probably the former.
challenge her to a match. This tactic rarely failed. In fact, it had
almost become her philosophy: Just when you're about to scream out of
boredom, something'll happen that'll make you wish you had stayed bored.
She waited.
And waited.
And _waited_.
Finally, sick and tired of waiting, she headed for the manager's office.
She knocked on his door.
$Again.
"What is it, Ayako?" the manager asked through the door as if he had been
expecting it. Maybe he had X-ray vision. That idea disturbed Ayako
$And again. I'll quit pointing these out, but you really need to go back
through and fix these.
immensely. It would explain why she had never seen him outside of his
office.
"Can I have the rest of the day off? I'm too bored and Emi's going to be
here in about ten minutes to take my place." Ayako complained through the
$place," Ayako This is the first instance of this repeat problem in the
fic.
door.
"Fine, Ayako." the manager replied.
$Ayako," the
"Thanks!" Ayako said, turning dramatically to let her long purple hair
swoosh in that swooshing manner that was so common in anime where women with
long hair (not necessarily purple) swooshed their hair a lot.
$Annoying. Just say it swooshed out.
Deciding to length the fanfic a bit and perhaps toss in some actually
useful information, the author decided to describe her clothing, so you
could get an idea of her in your mind's eye.
$Equally annoying. A forth wall _bend_ I'll ignore, but this should be
removed.
She wore a plaid shirt with
long sleeves that was cut high so to show her stomach, but not enough to
show the beginnings of her breasts if 1she were to jump or bounce. She'd
$she were
have to stand on her hands for that.
$Hmm, say: bounce, but if she stood on her hands she probably would anyway.
She also wore a very black mini-skirt
which could've been leather, but Ayako had decided to go for pratical and
chose a heavy silk. Silk was tough and it didn't burn away if her opponents
used fire attacks like that Satomi Yajima had.
$Actually, leather would have been the better choice. Silk burns rather
easily, although in many cases the ash holds the same shape. Leather
doesn't burn well at all.
Well, not as readily as some
materials. And as the final note, she was wearing her lucky cotton panties.
$Can we see those?
As if she had missed her cue a few paragraphs ago, another woman entered
the resturaunt. This newcomer had shoulder-length dark brown hair, bright
blue eyes, an Aerosmith t-shirt and blue jeans on.
$Aerosmith?
She looked around the
club/resturaunt as Ayako sized her up. Taking a chance, Ayako approached
$Call it a club, don't use /'s whenever possible.
the newcomer and drew her black fan with the pink frills on the end.
$Hmm: drew a black fan with pink frills.
"Hi, care to dance?" Ayako asked, smiling coyly and striking a cute pose.
The newcomer looked Ayako over and hummed as she decided. Finally, she
smiled and shook her head.
"Sorry. I'm spoiling for a fight." the new girl said as she began
$fight," the
walking
past Ayako.
"I can satisfy you that way too." Ayako told the unknown girl.
$too," Ayako
The girl looked at Ayako and grinned widely.
"Then it'll be even better when one of us loses, won't it?" the girl asked
rheotorically.
Ayako smiled in reply.
"Okay, how about a side bet?" the girl inquired, awkwardly pulling out her
VG card from her front right jean pocket.
"A side bet? How fascinating." Ayako responded as she pulled her own
$fascinating," Ayako
VG
card from... somewhere.
"The loser has to do whatever the winner wants her to for three whole
days." the new girl said, blushing a bit as she dared to say the words, or
$days," the
perhaps it was from the thought of where the card had been.
$Between her breasts probably. Wouldn't want to gum up the machine.
Ayako smiled even wider.
"Sounds good. I know what I'm going to do when I win." Ayako stated,
$win," Ayako
kissing her new opponent on the cheek before heading for the dance floor and
clicking down the two corners to activate the special computer towers in the
floors and the VG screen which was hidden behind the giant logo of SOTO on
the nearby wall. The computer towers rose out of the floor as the VG screen
revealed itself.
Ayako walked to the furthest tower and inserted her card into the slot.
The computer scanned the card and declared, "Confirming VG status..." before
adding a surprised sounding, "CONFIRMED!"
"I always thought these things always sounded just a little too surprised."
Ayako's opponent declared, staring at the tower next to Ayako.
$surprised," Ayako's
"I'm VG Warrior Ayako Yuuki." Ayako informed her opponent.
$Yuuki," Ayako
With a nod, the mystery girl inserted her card into the slot before
informing her opponent, "I'm VG Warrior Yuki Asamiya."
"Confirming VG status.... CONFIRMED!" the computer declared.
"Asamiya? As in the King of Fi-" Ayako began.
"No, just a similar family name. I don't know that Athena girl personally,
nor am I related to her." Yuki responded in a dull yet annoyed tone as if
$her," Yuki
she had been asked the question far too many times for her taste.
Ayako shrugged.
"Ready to fight?" Ayako asked.
"I was ready an hour ago." Yuki answered.
$ago," Yuki You know, this is pretty annoying for me to continually point
out. Next chapter, watch that.
Ayako dashed forward, almost too fast for Yuki to follow, but Yuki leapt
backwards, forcing Ayako to charge further. Yuki lashed out with a strong
sidekick. Ayako leapt up and placed her hand on Yuki's leg before launching
a kick at Yuki's face, where Yuki's right hand had been in a guard position.
Yuki stumbled back uninjured.
Ayako dashed forward and slashed at Yuki with her fan. The attack tore a
large piece out of Yuki's shirt in a diagonal cut from Yuki's right shoulder
to her left kidney. Had Ayako been wielding a sword instead of a fan, Yuki
would've been dead. As it was, Yuki just blushed at the new tear and
continued fighting. The fight went on for a few minutes, Ayako zooming in
and landing a light strike then hurrying away before Yuki could use her
power techniques to strike Ayako.
$Break it into a new chapter here. For fight scenes its generally better
to have lots of short, fast paragraphs than one huge one.
It was a good technique except for two
things. The first being that Yuki had a lot of endurance and the second
being that Ayako's speed was beginning to fade as the fight dragged on.
$New paragraph.
Finally, Yuki landed her first strike of the fight, a slashing attack that
tore off the right sleeve of Ayako's shirt. Ayako felt her arm tingle as if
it had been numb. Ayako decided that fun was fun, but it was time to win
the match. A little more humilation for her opponent, then a spectacular
finale.
"You're good, but I wonder if you're good _enough_ to beat me." Ayako
commented before spinning up to Yuki and launching a crescent kick that Yuki
$me," Ayako
slid around. Ayako quickly realized that she should taken the victory
sooner. While she had been having fun tearing at her opponent's clothes,
she had been exhuasting herself and now Yuki's endurance and power began to
prove more useful than the speed Ayako possessed.
Yuki struck Ayako with a strong palmheel to the solar plexus, followed by a
strong punch to the stomach. Ayako wheezed and stumbled backwards to
recover as Yuki marshalled her energy. Yuki lunged forward, spinning fast
while unleashing rapid spinning backfists. Ayako dodged as best as she
could, but a few strikes came close to doing some real damage. One backfist
struck Ayako in the shoulder, numbing it instantly. Ayako leapt back as she
noticed that her fan had been knocked away sometime during Yuki's backfist
assault. Yuki smiled evilly at Ayako.
"Ready to end this fight?" Yuki inquired, blazing with a blood red aura.
"Not another loss..." Ayako groaned inwardly.
Yuki roared an unintelligible word while unleashing a powerful blast of
energy to encompass Ayako and send her crashing backwards into the nearest
tables. Soon, the energy faded away and all noise faded away, save the
generic techno-funk music in the background. When Ayako Yuuki regained
consciousness, she would grumbled about losing two fights so quickly.
$As you have her regaining consciousness later in the other girl's bedroom,
save that final sentance for then.
The veteran VG warrior sized up her opponent. Her opponent had short brown
hair, brown eyes and was wearing a light grey skirt with a white shirt. She
had never heard of the resturaunt NERV, but a match was a match. One that
the more veteran VG warrior felt was a certain victory for herself.
"All riiight." the VG warrior said, shrugging.
$riiight," the
"VG warrior, Maya Ibuki." the less experienced fighter said, still
$Ibuki," the
trying
to get over the fact that her opponent had bright pink hair and looked like
a ten year old girl.
$Maya, eh? You know that both Shampoo and Nuku Nuku would make perfect
cameos in this, well maybe not Shampoo. She'd take losing badly. And it's
hard to imagine one of them actually beating Nuku Nuku...
"VG warrior, Manami Kusonoki." the short and younger-looking VG fighter
declared, her green eyes flashing.
$Kusonoki," the
Manami put on her giant kitty gloves and prepared for battle. Maya was
going to be no match for the fifteen year old fighter, who had been in some
$year-old
semi-serious training recently.
"CAT... ROCKET... PUNCH!" Manami cried, throwing her right giant kitten
glove at Maya.
Maya was expecting the glove to weight the same weight as a bunch of
cotton. Pity she didn't know Manami. Maya went sailing out of the ring and
collapsed in a heap. Luckily for Maya, the victory was only Level 5.
Manami pulled her glove back as she gave the audience a V with her other
glove, allowing the glove to clock her. She hopped back to her feet and was
rewarded by the cheers of the crowd.
$No one really wanted to see her strip, anyway.
Ayako woke in an apartment that she didn't recognize. She instantly began
looking around.
$Here's where she should grumble, as it's the first time she's been awake
since actually losing.
The room she was in looked like a rather bland and ordinary
bedroom. The bed was well-made and there was a nightstand with a lamp that
practically screamed "Dull". She wasn't sure what to expect when she woke
up, but one of the things she had NEVER expected was a bedroom straight out
of a "Better Homes" catalog. Except for the sheets she was laying under,
the room looked almost untouched.
$Is she naked?
It was about then that she heard the door
to her left open. Yuki entered with a tray that had a tea pot, two cups
with saucers and some toast.
"Well, feeling better?" Yuki inquired.
"Uh, yeah, I suppose. Where are we?" Ayako inquired.
$Used inquired twice too close together. Replace one with asked, or
something similar.
"Just an apartment that I rented a few months back. When there's no VG
tournament to participate in, I usually just wander around." Yuki answered,
$around," Yuki
pouring them the tea.
$No mention of occasionally having to actually waitress, I see.
After accepting a cup of brown brew from Yuki, Ayako noticed a folded piece
of paper. She sipped her tea, wondering what the paper was. Suddenly, the
flavor of the tea overwhelmed her. She spat, spraying the tea all over.
"Ah, I see I'm getting better." Yuki said, sipping her own tea and
$better," Yuki So far, that's what, every one of these you've missed.
grimacing rather heavily at the flavor.
$Mixing eating and S&M, what will they think of next.
Ayako coughed a few times, setting her tea cup and saucer aside. Once she
regained her breath, she turned to Yuki.
"Um, let me guess, you're not too good at cooking..." Ayako began.
"Well, I wasn't sure if you'd like Diet Pepsi, so I made this. Besides, I
won, therefore _you_ have to do what I want for the next three days." Yuki
said.
$Oh, no. I just realised something. You havn't been paying attention to
your dialog endings, although neither had I. When ending dialog with
someone said/yelled/replied/other, replace the period with a comma. So:
therefore _you_ have to do what I want for the next three days." Yuki
said.
Becomes:
therefore _you_ have to do what I want for the next three days," Yuki
said.
You havn't been doing this. I'll go back and check for any other
instances.
<time passes>
<more time passes>
<MORE time passes>
Whew, and I found a few!
Ayako had that sinking feeling again.
$Ayako:I'm guessing that that probably _doesn't_ involve massive amounts of
kinky sex...
Yuki shakes her head and hands her a mop.
"Here's what I want done. I'd like the laundry done first, then you can
dust, I think it's been a few weeks since I did that, then I'd like you to
make dinner. I left money in case you want to call for pizza or if you
$Left money? How? Isn't she still there? There's a bit of cofusion
there.
wanted to go to the store..." Yuki began.
"Couldn't we do something simpler... like make love?" Ayako inquired
abruptly.
Yuki blushed, then giggled.
"I'm not the kind of girl to do that right away, Ayako-chan. Besides,
after your duties today, you'll be too wiped out. Maybe tomorrow, sometime
after you feed the fish and buy some decent soda..." Yuki began, unfolding
the paper to reveal a LONG list of jobs and chores for Ayako to do. Ayako
had to fight the urge to cry.
$IMO, it'd have been funnier if she didn't want Ayako's bod at all, except
to do chores. Teach Ayako to make sure her partner is a lesbian _before_
she loses.
Yuka Takeuchi smiled as she waved goodbye to her friend Satomi Yajima. Of
course, it did feel a bit unnerving to see Satomi and her brother Daisuke
living in a mansion, even if it was only three stories high plus a basement.
$Nevermind that it was wider than most football feilds...
But, Satomi had won the tournament last year and with it, the ten million
dollars and the prime real estate. It was a relief as well to find out that
Daisuke's relapse into the Grand Mal Seizures had been faked,
$That's a terrible name for a disease/condition.
probably by
the same people who had tried to control Satomi's mind. Yuka began down the
path from Satomi's house to the street and sighed to herself.
She shook her head, tossing her incredibly long brown hair which had been
tied into a fountaining ponytail,
$bit awkward, suggest rewording.
and scolded herself for not being more
cheerful. Satomi was smiling a lot more nowadays, even if she had quit VG.
$Her kinky little brother is back in good health and now she doesn't have
to sleep alone.
Not to mention that Yuka and Satomi now had a much better understanding of
each other. Satomi was happy with her new life and that was the important
thing.
$Yuka: I will NOT hold a grudge, I will NOT hold a grudge...
Yuka wondered what was next in her life. Working for Hanna Miller was,
currently, her only source of income. Satomi had offered her money, but
Yuka had declined. Yuka would win her own ten million dollars in the VG
tournaments someday, not that she really needed it, and she'd have a house
as close to Satomi's as she could find. But to Yuka, VG was still the
toughest competition out there. Mainly because both the newbies and a few
of the older fighters were so unpredictable. You could win one day and lose
the next. Even if she did someday win the VG tournament, she was adamant
about staying in the tournament. Fighting was a way of life and a way of
bonding to other people.
$That's one seriously screwed up girl.
A car's horn broke Yuka out of her reverie. She spun to see Reimi Jahana,
the sexy light blue-haired too-many-times-to-really-count VG champion and
president of Jahana, sitting in a red Mercedes. Yuka was a bit stunned at
the sight. She had met Reimi twice before, the first time was when Reimi
tested her power and the second was when Reimi declared Satomi the winner of
the VG tournament. Needless to say, neither one of them really knew each
other.
"Hey there. Need a ride?" Reimi inquired.
"Uh..." Yuka began hesistantly.
"I can promise you I'm not going to do anything overly weird and I don't
bite, so it's safe." Reimi teased.
$Can't agree with her dialog. She never says that much at once. Perhaps:
I promise that I won't bite, I just came to talk," Reimi replied gently.
Yuka decided that she was going to need a ride anyway, and since Jun Kubota
was out of town for a VG match, she wasn't going to be able to hitch a ride
with the wrestler. Yuka opened the passenger side door and got into the car
before closing the door again. Reimi shifted the car into drive and the car
roared to life, shooting forward and surpassing the nifty trick of going 0
to 60 MPH in six seconds by going from 0 to 130 MPH in three seconds.
$Too fast. Up the time to 0-130 in six seconds which is slightly more
believable.
Yuka
almost became one with her seat as the intense pressure of the incredible
speed was shoving her steadily backwards into the cushioning for her seat.
$Hmm: was pressing her backwards into the cushioning OF her seat.
"COULD YOU SLOW DOWN, PLEASE?!" Yuka yelled over the roar of the engine.
Reimi decreased the car's speed down to 70 MPH.
$slowed the car down to 70 MPH.
"Sorry, I'm still getting used to this new car of mine." Reimi apologized,
$(sigh) mine," Reimi
giving Yuka a glance and a somewhat pleasant smile. However, Yuka caught a
lecherous ogle in Reimi's glance.
$She's not that bad. She loves to watch women fight, which is kinky
enough, but Washio or not, I think you should leave her het/bi. If she must
be a lesbian, she'd prefer the more subtle spproach. She seems like the
type to pride herself on control.
Yuka began sweatdropping. It almost seemed like everyone in VG was either
a lesbian or denying it from the way most of the fighters acted. Now that
she thought about it, that idea was silly. Then some not-so-subtle hints
began clicking in her head and she realized that the statement she had been
ready to dismiss might be, at least in some way, a truth with roughly
seventy percent of the fighters in VG, if not more.
$The ninja-girl, what's her name, seemed straight, as did Yuka, Satomi,
Reimi, and... uhh... Bunny, I think.
"So, how are you?" Reimi inquired.
"Um, I'm doing okay." Yuka answered.
$okay," Yuka
"That's good." Reimi responded.
$good," Reimi
Yuka squirmed as Reimi turned a corner and placed a hand on Yuka's knee
simultaneously.
$She's trying to apologise, not scare the girl away. Can't see it.
Reccomend you go back and rewrite this bit.
"May I ask why you decided to pick me up?" Yuka asked, realizing after the
fact that the phrase came out sounding not quite right.
$Nah, she's the type to not realise it.
Reimi smiled at the statement, but it faded.
"I came to apologize to you and Satomi, but I felt I should talk to you
first. I've been so caught up in repairing the damaged tournament hall and
cleaning out certain parts of Jahana that I've been too busy to come by any
earlier. My mother had set up a secret organization in Jahana that I didn't
know about. One that would resurrect her after she was dead. You know what
$about, one that
happened to her plans, right?" Reimi inquired.
"Yeah, Satomi and I blew them up." Yuka answered.
$up," Yuka
"That's right. And that's the reason I came to apologize." Reimi
explained.
$apologize," Reimi
"You don't need to apologize. It was your mother alone who organized most
of this and corrupted some good and loyal people." Yuka told her truthfully.
$people," Yuka
Yuka had seen almost firsthand how much damage that Miranda Jahana's
corruption had done to two people in particular. Both wound up paying for
the mistake of misplaced loyalty with their lives.
$The weird mutant guy and who else?
"I was fairly sure there probably wouldn't be any hard feelings, but I just
wanted to be absolutely certain. Assumptions and all." Reimi responded.
$Hmm, maybe: I don't like assumptions," Reimi
Yuka nodded.
"By the way, you'd better be ready to fight really hard this year. The
number of VG warriors in this section alone has increased and the VG
tournaments now reach over sixty percent of the world, which means that in
the coming years, we might be seeing warriors from all around the world."
Reimi informed her.
$world," Reimi
Yuka whistled. That was a lot of people who saw the matches and that meant
a lot of money changing hands to get the confirmation towers and the rings
set up.
$Should also mean the prise money should go up.
It also meant that a lot more people were going to be joining the
tournaments in the future too. In the past few years, only six or seven new
faces had shown up in the VG section Yuka was in, most of which didn't make
it past the first two rounds because of the stronger and more skilled
fighters who had been in the tournament before.
"Hey, have you had your first match yet?" Reimi asked.
Yuka began sweating. Reimi was a powerful fighter and the leader of
Jahana, but even she had to win her way into the finals this year. Yuka
began hoping rather strongly that Reimi didn't ask her to a match because it
was a little too awkward to fight a woman who's leering at you in the middle
of the fight.
$She never leers. It's too uncouth.
Plus because of that fact, Yuka began wishing she wasn't
empathic.
"Um, not yet." Yuka said.
$yet," Yuka
Reimi smiled.
"Good, I'll be able to see how you've improved spiritually," Reimi
commented, before adding, "and physcially."
Yuka blushed as Reimi squeezed her knee before running her hand up the
inside of Yuka's leg.
$Too forward of her. If she really wanted to come onto Yuka, she'd
probably ask her over for dinner and see where it went from there.
Yuka grabbed Reimi's hand before it got too far and
forcefully placed it on the steering wheel.
"You know, maybe you should get naked now and spare yourself the cost of
losing." Reimi suggested, smiling confidently.
$losing," Reimi
"No thanks. I'd rather lose in a fight first." Yuka said.
$Reimi shrugging: As long as you lose.
first," Yuka
"Strip now or lose later, either way I'm going to see you naked
eventually." Reimi declared, smirking.
$Hmm:"Now or later, it's all the same to me," she said, smirking.
Before Yuka could reply, Reimi stopped the car.
"Here we are. Your apartment." Reimi informed Yuka.
$apartment," Reimi
Yuka got out and stuck her tongue out at Reimi.
$Nah, too immmature. Manami would, but Yuka would simply stand there
defiantly.
"I won't lose, not to you or to anyone else." Yuka told her.
$else," Yuka
"That's exactly what Kaori Yanase said the year before last." Reimi
$last," Reimi
shot
back before adding in a lecherous tone, "So work on your hand techniques
before our match."
$Please, there's enough fanservice in this as it is. Reimi as a rampant
lesbian horndog simply distracts. If you try to have this fairly serious,
maybe to match the tone of the series, let Manami have the letch role most
of the time and have the rest of it be more subtle. On the other hand, if
you're just having fun writing this and don't care, fine, hey, Yuka's better
watch her ass. It's fun to write stuff like that, but you tend to lose
readers.
Reimi drove off before Yuka could think of anything to say. Yuka fumed a
bit before deciding to just go back up to her apartment.
$New paragraph here.
Reimi smiled to
herself as she pulled her car onto the highway. A thought entered her head,
one so deliciously ecchi that I'm not even going to write it down.
$You can easily rewrite this to avoid breaking the 4th wall. But as I
said, there're better places to put this kind of thing.
Let's
just say Reimi was going to have a very pleasant dream that night involving
Yuka Takeuchi, a batch of fresh strawberries and some whip cream. The part
about the sex toys just got weird.
Jun Kubota was having fun. The black-haired, green-eyed goddess of
wrestling was currently having fun with a rookie who had been too confident
for her own good. Not to mention she was a lot weaker than Jun. The
rookie's name was Rei and she too had long black hair, but her hair had been
tied back into a ponytail and her eyes were brown.
The match had only started about two minutes ago and Rei was already on the
verge of losing. Rei had quickly realized that agreeing to the strip rule
was _not_ the smartest thing to do the instant one started in VG.
Rei had made the mistake of getting in too close to Jun, where wrestlers
like Jun could dominate even against kick-boxers like Rei.
$As many other kickboxers have found out as well. Wrestling and throwing
were tailor made to counter strikes.
Not to mention
that Jun was far more experienced in fighting. Rei had been winning some
kick-boxing tournaments in recent years and thought she was good enough for
VG. That's when she and all the newbies like her found out that ordinary
tournament matches were nothing compared to the awesome difficultly of a
true VG match.
Jun encased the inside of her elbow with energy and clotheslined Rei,
sending the kick-boxer flying against the ropes to rebound and run into
Jun's elbow thrust. Luckily for Rei, Jun's elbow pad softened the blow.
Unfortunately, combined with the last attack she had received, Rei was just
not strong enough to continue fighting. She collapsed.
Jun turned her gaze to the nearest large screen TV which was displaying her
face and Rei's. Rei's face on the board was darkened. The row five lights
in a straight line below her picture lit up.
"Oooh, too bad. It's level 4." Jun said.
Jun grinned and hefted Rei up by the back of her tattered waitress uniform.
$four," Jun said, lifting her up by... (numbers under ten should always be
spelled out.)
She shoved Rei against the ropes and grinned evilly. She really enjoyed
this part. The part where she gloated over her pathetic opponent.
$enjoyed this, the part where she gloated
Rei was
still mostly conscious, but she didn't have any more fight in her.
"Come on now, the crowd's waiting." Jun told her, handing a two by four.
$waiting," Jun
Rei whimpered, then sighed. She began singing a Hanson song while pausing
briefly to whack herself in the forehead.
$Although horrible, I thought she was supposed to be stripping as well?
And why the whack?
It was quite satisfying to see
the once-arrogant opponent embarrass themselves.
"I'm almost glad the Olympics kicked me out." Jun murmurred.
$out," Jun murmured.
As Rei finally ended the song, Jun almost got the urge to yawn. It was fun
winning, but sometimes the opponent wasn't very entertaining afterwards.
Sometimes the excessive crying or whining would ruin the moment or other
times it was the sheer lack of singing talent on the part of the opponent
after the fight. At times, VG was just disappointing.
You had no right to cry in Jun's mind. When you entered, you knew what
sort of crazy ass stuff might happen when you lost. You either sucked it up
and did what you were told or you left VG. That's the way it was. Glory to
the winner, complete and total humiliation for the loser. Whining about it
certainly hadn't changed many of the rules.
Rei collected the shreds of dignity she had remaining, took so aspirin
$some aspirin (where'd she get it?)
and
left without saying another word. Jun huffed to herself. Some people had
took loss poorly, others took it well. Jun leapt out of the ring, which
sank below the street, and hopped on her bike. If she hurried, she could
probably catch Yuka at home and she might be able to weasel a date out of
Yuka.
As she started her bike, she noticed something in her sidecar. It had cute
pink hair, green eyes and was wearing a blue and white dress.
"Manami, what the heck are you doing here?" Jun inquired.
$inquired doesn't really do it justice. Maybe: Jun asked, annoyed.
"You're going to see Yuka, right? I'm coming with." Manami answered.
$with," Manami
Jun groaned. If there was something she had learned, Manami was well-nigh
impossible to argue with.
"All right, but no squeezing my breasts while I driving, okay?" Jun
$I'm driving
asked.
"That's okay. I like Yuka's chest better." Manami answered.
$better," Manami
Jun grinned to herself. She liked Yuka's chest too. In that respect, she
and Manami were in agreement.
"By the way, I thought you lived-" Jun began.
"I had a match nearby." Manami answered.
$nearby," Manami
"Lemme guess, you won?" Jun asked.
"Yep. Newbie." Manami grinned.
$Newbie," Manami
"Those things are like rodents." Jun commented.
$rodents," Jun
"That's why I always win! After all, I'm a cat, no da!" Manami stated,
proving that she had been watching far too much Fushigi Yuugi as of late.
Jun just smiled, turned her head to roll her eyes, checked traffic and
began driving back to Tokyo.
============================================================================
===================
More newbies challenge the veterans.
A strange girl sitting a room.
Ayako and Yuki get it on.
Yuka, Jun and Manami out on the town.
All this and more in the next chapter!
Next, Chapter 2: Goddesses of Partying Down!
A-kun, signing off.
Explanations and Bios: (WARNING - CONTAINS SPOILERS)
The Levels are how much you have to make an ass out of themselves if they
lose. Both fighters, in my series at least, can agree to or suspend the
strip rule. I'm not entirely certain at what the severity is, but Level 1
is definitely "have to strip", and Level 4 seemed to be a "if you wanna, but
make an ass out of yourself" stage.
$Confusing explaination. Do they have to or not?
I saw no information on Level 2, 3 or 5
while watching the video, but I can extrapolate. Extrapolation: Level 2
requires you to strip naked _or_ put on a performance; Level 3 is a "you
have to at least perform" level; and Level 5 is a "you don't have to" level.
As for the voices on the confirmation towers, they do almost sound like
they're totally surprised when someone is confirmed as a VG warrior. It's
almost as if the computer, after saying "CONFIRMED!" is about to follow it
up with "Oh my gawd! What the hell do we do now?!".
Sidebets are, as always, optional in every fight. Both fighters have to
agree to it, much like the strip rule.
As stated before, some fighters can choose forgo the performance/strip rule
if their opponents agree. However, some corporate sponsors will offer large
bonuses if the fighters don't forgo the rule, which, for money desperate
warriors, will often wind up making the choice for them.
At age 17, Jun Kubota became friends with Yuka shortly after their fight
together. Yuka almost lost to Jun, but managed to make a comeback and win
thanks to Satomi's encouragement. Jun gets incredibly cruel in a fight and
was booted out of the Olympics for her unsportsmanlike fighting style which
is devastating and brutal.
$I don't remember this part.
While it's still a sore point in her career,
even she'll joke about it occasionally (but only when in an incredibly good
mood). She's very opinionated and will rarely back down from anything,
especially a fight, unless it's against an opponent who uses a weapon. (Jun
feels weapons are unfair, no da)
She keeps telling Yuka "We're gonna have a good time." repeatedly and gives
Yuka rides on her motorcycle. Plus the way she was almost ready to strip
Yuka naked before the match was done adds to the suspicion that she's
infatuated with Yuka in a potentially non-platonic manner.
$It's possible that she's not 'that way', but I've got to agree with you on
this one.
I could be wrong
and it may very well be that I'm reading all of these signals wrong. And
maybe full-contact yodeling dentistry will catch on one of these days.
*pauses**checks newstations*
Okay, it hasn't happened yet, so I'm _probably_ not reading these signals
wrong.
Jun is best described as a well-tanned girl with long dark-hair that goes
down to her butt or so. She wears a red headband.
Manami Kusonoki may look only about eight to twelve years old (with her
bright pink hair in twin ponytails) depending on what scene you look at, but
she's actually fifteen and an Idol Singer to boot!
$Where did you get this info?
She practically emits a
"Super Cute Field" wherein anything she does gets kiddy music and kiddy
sound effects. She wears two of these giant cat paw gloves while fighting,
adding more 'oomph' to her attacks. Most of her style seems to be almost
child-like as she has attacks like "Cat Rocket Punch!" where upon she throws
a giant cat paw-like glove at her opponent. The astounding thing is that
one Cat Rocket Punch has been known to knock four girls down.
She thinks VG is a game and probably hasn't even had the chance to lose a
real fight (I, of course, have given her a solid track record). You only
see two of her attacks in the anime. One is to clear away some lackeys and
the other is to give Jun an oppurtunity to lay the smack down on a VG
warrior who is under mind-control drugs. Although, she knows the Cicada
Ruse (where upon it looks like you've been stabbed or stuck heavily when in
fact your opponent has only attacked your clothes, leaving them open for a
powerful counterattack. Just be sure to have some underwear on before doing
this, as you usually shed most of your outfit.) which shows she does have
some actual training, but it might not have been very extensive.
$Given her small size and low power, her training is probably quite high.
She's done this well because her training helps minimise her weaknesses and
maximise her stengths, such as speed and misdirection. SHe also knows how
to get rid of an opponet she can't beat. Just look at Bunny.
Manami blatantly grabs one of Yuka's breasts in the anime and gives it a
squeeze before telling Yuka, "That was fantastic! You've got the nicest
pair I've ever felt.". She later nuzzles Jun's chest before sadly
declaring, "They looked bigger." If these aren't blatant declarations of
her preferences, I don't know what is. Then again, like I stated before, I
could be reading these signs wrong.
$Gotta love Manami.
If you want a good idea of what Manami looks like and you're an anime fan,
mix Sasami (of Tenchi Muyo!) with Chibi-Usagi (from Sailor Moon R), leaving
most of Chibi-Usa's face, hairstyle and hair color, but Sasami's physique.
Satomi Yajima has brown eyes and short brown hair that's rather unruly.
She and Yuka Takeuchi have trained together since their early teens and thus
know the same style of fighting. Satomi had been a good fighter before
meeting Yuka and won numerous tournaments to show for it. She and Yuka were
on par for power, but Satomi had far more experience and skill.
Despite this, Satomi never won an actual match against Yuka. Yuka has the
ability to read the emotions and spirits of her opponents and sometimes
their very memories and thoughts. Satomi might also have this ability,
which might explain why they have an incredibly emotional bond. Because of
the bond and her own shyness, Satomi kept losing and running away
emotionally.
Both became waitresses, but Yuka was the only one fighting in VG. Satomi
probably didn't enter the tournament because of three reasons: 1) with her
mother and father dead and her brother Daisuke so young, Satomi had to spend
a lot of time at home or working. 2) When Daisuke began his Grand Mal
Seizures, Satomi couldn't afford to get injured in a match as she needed to
make all the money she could waitressing to pay for Daisuke's huge medical
fees. 3) She didn't want to lose to her friend, Yuka.
Just when Daisuke was getting better, he 'relapsed'. Emotionally wracked
at the thought of her young brother having to suffer more Grand Mal
Seizures, Satomi was completely unprepared when she taken by a group in
Jahana, started by Miranda Jahana (Reimi's mother), and offered the money
necessary to perform an expensive operation to 'cure' Daisuke's recent
'relapse' into the Grand Mal Seizures. It was believed that Satomi would be
an excellent candidate to host Miranda (who had been dead for a long time,
no da). But as it turned out, she and Yuka, the other candidate, had an
emotional bond far stronger than even the spirit of Miranda could contain.
Miranda and the group in Jahana both went up in smoke, causing most of the
parts of the VG Tournament hall to be destroyed, damaged and/or burned.
Ayako met Satomi when Satomi was being studied by the secret Jahana group
to find out if she was suitable for Miranda. Ayako took a shining to
Satomi, but Satomi wasn't really in the mood for Ayako's antics. Satomi
seemed to be losing for the first forty seconds, then she blasted Ayako
unconscious with one attack and caused some serious damage to the night club
they were in (thus why Ayako would grumble about losing two so fast, because
actions are far faster than words). Satomi and Yuka both had similar ideal
physical qualities, but Yuka has a bigger chest to hold her large heart, no
da. Why the mystery group in Jahana didn't just check both Yuka AND Satomi
leads me to believe that they (the mystery group) weren't the sharpest Nerf
ball in the Ginzu knife factory.
Satomi and Yuka had a fight on the roof to discover the reason that they
fight, thus ending Satomi's shyness. As to the reason they fight? I don't
know. I look for reasons to write lemon scenes. (Yes, I'm a disgusting
male. Live with it.)
Daisuke, Satomi's little brother, looks a lot like Satomi, but has more
subdued hair and is about ten years old.
Reimi Jahana is the reigning champion of the Japan sectional tournament,
thanks to the training of her overly-zealous mother who used to beat her if
she showed weakness in her fighting stance, etc. Her mother also had a
device implanted into Reimi, who was still conscious and not under any form
of pain killer, so that if Reimi attacked Miranda's next incarnation, the
other incarnation could cause Reimi incredibly pain, thus taking the
champion down. Luckily, Miranda's plan were dashed and Reimi recovered
fairly well from the ordeal.
She has a manservant in the anime named Washio with whom she has
'relations'. Am I the only one who thinks that 'Washio' is actually the
author or artist of the series being a jerk and taking one of the best
fighters in the whole series? If you're wondering, 'Washio' won't be
appearing, despite his helpful hacking...er, INFORMATION GATHERING skills.
$Character bias eh? Whatever. I don't approve, but it's your call.
Reimi's blue hair is as long as Yuka's, but is curly instead of straight
like Yuka's.
The one word Reimi likes most: Equality.
She reveals this tidbit when a newbie tries to get out of having to show
her body. The newbie is caught and forced to show off.
The thing that annoys Reimi the most: Hiding one's face like a coward.
She reveals this when a masked warrior shows up while she and 'Washio' are
making out. With a swift toss of a nearby rose, she destroys the mask to
reveal the VG warrior beneath. Annoyingly, 'Washio' knew the "mystery VG
warrior"'s identity before Reimi destroys her mask. Maybe 'Washio' could
recognize her apparel, but he still annoys the @#$%@#$ @$#%@#$ out of me.
The thing she hates the most: Disturbances to the natural order.
She declares this when Satomi, under a lot of Miranda's influence, defeats
her strongest rival, Kaori Yanase. It isn't until Miranda activates the
device in Reimi's body that Reimi realizes what and who she's really
fighting.
The sight she feels is the most beautiful: Goddesses (VG warriors) locked
in battle.
She tells 'Washio' this when Satomi and Yuka on the roof of the VG
tournament hall and are about to fight.
<snip rest of annoyingly long explaination>
$Rants are fine, but use moderation. You're not going to get the reader to
care about the characters simply by telling them all about what happened.
You've got to establish that on your own.
With all my rather annoyed comments taken into consideration, not bad.
It's still pretty rough, but just call it a first draft and start yer
editing.
Technically, it's fairly rough. It's pretty clear that you used a spell
checker, as the only misspellings I saw were those that made a different
word, such as so-some and for-of. You also really need to watch blah blah
blah," someone said.
As far as the writing quality goes, the only thing you need is more
practice. It's fairly easily readable, and only dipped into the awkward
spots occasionally, and that'll get better.
Characterization-wise, Reimi was fairly off. The rest seemed okay. Far be
it for me to scream OOC, but if you're trying to keep them close to the
original, you'll need to adjust some things. If you're not even trying,
just let me know and I'll shut up. It's all up to you.
Now we get to the plot. What plot? I havn't seen one yet. I'll wait and
let you know then. This is just a first chapter so I won't hold that lack
against you.
Fairly good job though, overall. I'll try to C&C chapter two when I get
free time, which may be up to a week, but even then, no promises. Make sure
when you finish chapter three that all the ," stuff is correct. (do a find
." search and check each one individually if you can't remember to do it as
you type.)
Later.
Kichigai