"DB Sommer" <sommer@3rdm.net> wrote:
Avenging is being kept at:
Doug's Archive at:
http://www.theisp.net/pages/catman/
"Too slow, Pop. Maybe you should just call it quits!"
"Never, boy! I may have taught you everything you know, but I haven't taught
you everything I know. I still have a few tricks up my sleeve."
GENMA: Watch me pull a rabbit out of this hat!
RANMA: Again? That trick NEVER works!
Not was not as if Nabiki really cared who won, though if she were running a
betting pool, she wouldn't give Genma better than fifteen-to-one odds, if
that. The older Saotome might have been good, but Ranma was in a class all
of his own. She had to remind herself that it wasn't as if she really cared
about a guy who was little more than a large side of beefcake, like most of
the other girls at school would. There had already been a few questions
directed towards her about Ranma's status by the female population of
Furinkan. Nabiki had been intentionally vague about him. Odds were he would
end up with either Akane or Kasumi, but she was reluctant to be proven wrong
if he went for one instead of the other.
Um... I don't understand that last sentence. Presumably you meant to say
'if he went for her instead of one of them'?
"Drop it, Pop," Ranma warned. Now Nabiki knew the horrifying truth, and
Ranma's secret was out:
he had taken the time to locate and wrap up a real hubcap to throw people
off in case someone got too inquisitive.
Um, make up your mind. :) This looks like a case where you changed your
mind (possibly due to prereader feedback; I dunno) and then forgot to
change everything.
I'm not sure that Nabby's earlier reaction is justified if indeed it was
a hubcap that she saw. Shouldn't she have thought something more like,
obviously he's one step ahead of me, but I'll figure out his *real*
secret yet.
Unless, of course....
GENMA: I knew that the young lady wouldn't be able to resist temptation,
boy. I also knew her curiosity wouldn't be satisfied until she found out
your secret. So I added a little something to your package.
RANMA: Okay, but did it *have* to be an issue of "Shaved Nuns in Bondage
Quarterly?"
GENMA: To protect the secret identity of a superhero, no sacrifice is
too great.
Her plans were interrupted when the doorbell rang. Kasumi excused herself
>from serving and answered the door. A moment later she returned, bearing a
note in hand. "It's addressed to the dojo, Father."
Soun took the offered envelope and quickly tore it open, eyes pouring over
the contents.
KASUMI: Father, you're getting the letter wet.
(The homynym you want is 'poring.')
As he finished reading, his hands began shaking. "It's a
challenge for the dojo. It says here a sumo champion is going to arrive
tomorrow and have a fight to prove clearly whose combat art is superior. It
says he'll take our sign if we lose. And it's signed, 'The Duke'."
RANMA: John Wayne?
GENMA: Hunter S. Thompson.
RANMA: Oh.
"It's so nice of Ranma to help out Nabiki. It'll prove how well they get
along," Kasumi said, thinking they did make as nice a looking couple as
Ranma would with Akane.
Suggest: as Ranma and Akane would. (Though it *has* been noted that
Ranma is a couple all by himself.... ^_^)
"Yeah, it'll almost be like they're practically married," Akane quickly
Suggest: almost be like they're married," (avoid the unnecessary
redundancy)
And then he felt it. The land trembled slightly, as though in earthquake was
an earthquake
The rumbling seemed to reach its peak, then in one quick motion the entryway
to the dojo slid back to reveal the source of all the noise. A troop of at
troupe
He was the largest of the men present, standing six feet tall and weighing
at least six hundred pounds, dressed in a huge white kimono that could have
doubled as a tent. A very wide, six hundred pounds. He was more akin to a
You don't need the comma after 'wide.'
"Just let me get out of my uniform so I can fight in proper gear." And with
that the Blob removed his kimono to show off his 'proper gear'.
According to Greek mythology, there was a trio of sisters called the gorgons
of which the most famous was Medusa. It was said they had snakes for hair
and that anyone who dared to look upon them would find himself turned to
stone from the hideousness of their features.
However, on this day, it was proven conclusively that in the case of some
horrifying sights, it was infinitely preferable to be turned into a piece of
masonry rather than to go on living with such an unholy vision burned
forever in one's mind.
Case in point: seeing the Blob wear nothing but a too tiny g-string.
"I'm blind! I'm blind!" Ranma shouted, covering his eyes. But it was far,
far too late.
"This is easily the most traumatic thing I've ever had to see," Nabiki said
dryly, though with an amount of disgust that, while more reserved, was equal
to Ranma's.
Frankly, the way in which this bit is presented really doesn't work for
me. It's like we as the readers are being told what our reaction is
supposed to be. You are disgusted by the thought of the blob in a
G-string! That is an order! :) I would much rather you simply described
the scene and let ME react to it as appropriate.
"It's easy. I know this is just some horrible nightmare that will end when I
wake up." Kasumi continued smiling blissfully. "So if it isn't real, I don't
have to be frightened by it."
Now here, IMO, it would be better if she said something that really went
against the grain. Something like"My, that outfit must be quite
comfortable in the summer heat," maybe.
Genma was less restrained. "For god's sake man, why would you inflict this
gods' (or God's, if you insist on making Genma a Christian)
Repressing a shudder, the others forced themselves to look in the Blob's
direction so that they could watch the upcoming fight. Once a person got
over the initial shock, seeing the Blob in a g-string wasn't that bad.
Okay, it was that bad, but the others were somewhat used to the unusual, and
therefore they adapted to the situation, looking everywhere higher than
waist level on the huge roll of fat that stomped his foot down and prepared
for combat.
*Sigh* This kind of talking directly to the reader stuff is, in my
experience, never all that funny. You're delivering a story, not a
stand-up routine. Just show the %$&^%^ scene. :/
It quickly became obvious as the fight progressed that Sumo techniques were
ineffectual as Ranma deftly avoided every one of them and, retaliated with a
Take out the comma.
The easy manner in which the Blob was losing the fight made him panic. The
boy hit harder than anyone he had faced before and the youth was quick
enough to avoid the big man's attempts to hit him back. Worse, he wasn't
wasting time trying to hit the Blob's body any more and went for his more
unprotected head and face. Unable to deal with Ranma's speed the Blob found
himself weakened and becoming light-headed from the merciless assault. He
decided to go for it all with the most powerful technique in his arsenal.
BLOB: MR. CREOSOTE STRIKE!
RANMA: Oh shit!
Nabiki's eyes took on a calculated gleam. "I wouldn't want to be accused of
preferring one of my sister's over the other. Since I love both of you
sisters
Standing on her toes, Nabiki unleashed the Anything Goes Osculation
Technique (without tongue. There were limits, even for Nabiki)
Need a period.
Kasumi gave her normal sweet smile, which caused Nabiki even further worry.
Kasumi said, "Akane and I decided the fairest thing to do would be for both
of us to go out with Ranma together, as in at the same time."
Nabiki stared at her sisters, slack-jawed. "But that means-"
KASUMI: That's right! Threesome!
RANMA: Hey! That's not what you said before!
She was still in the process of how to circumvent her sisters' plans when
Ranma at last appeared, dressed in a tux that, despite its large dimensions,
was still pulled tight across his impressive chest. Akane and Kasumi
actually found their tension drift away for a moment as they found
themselves, while not necessarily attracted (they told themselves), not
quite as disinterested in their date as they were a moment ago.
A tux? Why doesn't he just wear his Chinese coat and cap?
I know this was shorter and a bit of a filler but I couldn't resist doing
it. Next chapter reveals the last heroes right before events finally fully
kick into the motion as all of the various Avengers will be brought together
at last.
As a filler, this wasn't bad... though I had some problems with the
execution, the Blob as a sumo wrestler makes too much sense not to do.
:) Looking forward to the next installment.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html