Wow! This was prompt:
"Too slow, Pop. Maybe you should just call it quits!"
"Never, boy! I may have taught you everything you know, but I haven't
taught
you everything I know. I still have a few tricks up my sleeve."
GENMA: Watch me pull a rabbit out of this hat!
RANMA: Again? That trick NEVER works!
Heh. Cute.
Not was not as if Nabiki really cared who won, though if she were running
a
betting pool, she wouldn't give Genma better than fifteen-to-one odds, if
that. The older Saotome might have been good, but Ranma was in a class
all
of his own. She had to remind herself that it wasn't as if she really
cared
about a guy who was little more than a large side of beefcake, like most
of
the other girls at school would. There had already been a few questions
directed towards her about Ranma's status by the female population of
Furinkan. Nabiki had been intentionally vague about him. Odds were he
would
end up with either Akane or Kasumi, but she was reluctant to be proven
wrong
if he went for one instead of the other.
Um... I don't understand that last sentence. Presumably you meant to say
'if he went for her instead of one of them'?
Hmm. I was trying to say Nabiki was reluctant to tell the school girls which
of her sisters Ranma was going to end up with. Probably change it by
dropping everything after 'if', that way it should sound as though Nabiki
thinks he could end up marrying neither Akane nor Kasumi.
"Drop it, Pop," Ranma warned. Now Nabiki knew the horrifying truth, and
Ranma's secret was out:
he had taken the time to locate and wrap up a real hubcap to throw people
off in case someone got too inquisitive.
Um, make up your mind. :) This looks like a case where you changed your
mind (possibly due to prereader feedback; I dunno) and then forgot to
change everything.
Eh? Not sure what you mean. The 'horrible secret' is that Ranma wrapped up a
hubcap, which isn't neither horrible nor much of a secret at all, which was
supposed to be the joke. Looks like it fell horribly flat though. :(
I'm not sure that Nabby's earlier reaction is justified if indeed it was
a hubcap that she saw. Shouldn't she have thought something more like,
obviously he's one step ahead of me, but I'll figure out his *real*
secret yet.
Unless, of course....
GENMA: I knew that the young lady wouldn't be able to resist temptation,
boy. I also knew her curiosity wouldn't be satisfied until she found out
your secret. So I added a little something to your package.
RANMA: Okay, but did it *have* to be an issue of "Shaved Nuns in Bondage
Quarterly?"
The one with the Clinton interview? I think I have it. (I only get it for
the articles, really)
GENMA: To protect the secret identity of a superhero, no sacrifice is
too great.
Her plans were interrupted when the doorbell rang. Kasumi excused herself
>from serving and answered the door. A moment later she returned, bearing
a
note in hand. "It's addressed to the dojo, Father."
Soun took the offered envelope and quickly tore it open, eyes pouring
over
the contents.
KASUMI: Father, you're getting the letter wet.
(The homynym you want is 'poring.')
Oops. I know I've made this mistake lots of times.
As he finished reading, his hands began shaking. "It's a
challenge for the dojo. It says here a sumo champion is going to arrive
tomorrow and have a fight to prove clearly whose combat art is superior.
It
says he'll take our sign if we lose. And it's signed, 'The Duke'."
RANMA: John Wayne?
Nope.
GENMA: Hunter S. Thompson.
Originally had him in mind, but he wouldn't make a good sumo. :(
RANMA: Oh.
"It's so nice of Ranma to help out Nabiki. It'll prove how well they get
along," Kasumi said, thinking they did make as nice a looking couple as
Ranma would with Akane.
Suggest: as Ranma and Akane would. (Though it *has* been noted that
Ranma is a couple all by himself.... ^_^)
Heh. Will change.
Case in point: seeing the Blob wear nothing but a too tiny g-string.
"I'm blind! I'm blind!" Ranma shouted, covering his eyes. But it was far,
far too late.
"This is easily the most traumatic thing I've ever had to see," Nabiki
said
dryly, though with an amount of disgust that, while more reserved, was
equal
to Ranma's.
Frankly, the way in which this bit is presented really doesn't work for
me. It's like we as the readers are being told what our reaction is
supposed to be. You are disgusted by the thought of the blob in a
G-string! That is an order! :) I would much rather you simply described
the scene and let ME react to it as appropriate.
Hmm. Was only meant to show the characters' reactions, not tell the readers
what it's supposed to be. Besides, if you don't have a reaction as soon as
you read the g-string sentence, you're not going to have one. :)
"It's easy. I know this is just some horrible nightmare that will end
when I
wake up." Kasumi continued smiling blissfully. "So if it isn't real, I
don't
have to be frightened by it."
Now here, IMO, it would be better if she said something that really went
against the grain. Something like"My, that outfit must be quite
comfortable in the summer heat," maybe.
Hmm. Nice. Will consider changing it. Although I'm not sure if I want Kasumi
to sound that oblivious. The other way at least you can blame it on simple
denial.
Repressing a shudder, the others forced themselves to look in the Blob's
direction so that they could watch the upcoming fight. Once a person got
over the initial shock, seeing the Blob in a g-string wasn't that bad.
Okay, it was that bad, but the others were somewhat used to the unusual,
and
therefore they adapted to the situation, looking everywhere higher than
waist level on the huge roll of fat that stomped his foot down and
prepared
for combat.
*Sigh* This kind of talking directly to the reader stuff is, in my
experience, never all that funny. You're delivering a story, not a
stand-up routine. Just show the %$&^%^ scene. :/
Wasn't meant to sound like it was breaking the fourth wall, truth be known.
It would have been more obvious if I was. Will consider changing it around.
The easy manner in which the Blob was losing the fight made him panic.
The
boy hit harder than anyone he had faced before and the youth was quick
enough to avoid the big man's attempts to hit him back. Worse, he wasn't
wasting time trying to hit the Blob's body any more and went for his more
unprotected head and face. Unable to deal with Ranma's speed the Blob
found
himself weakened and becoming light-headed from the merciless assault. He
decided to go for it all with the most powerful technique in his arsenal.
BLOB: MR. CREOSOTE STRIKE!
Looked up the definition of 'creosote' and still not sure what you're trying
to say.
Kasumi gave her normal sweet smile, which caused Nabiki even further
worry.
Kasumi said, "Akane and I decided the fairest thing to do would be for
both
of us to go out with Ranma together, as in at the same time."
Nabiki stared at her sisters, slack-jawed. "But that means-"
KASUMI: That's right! Threesome!
RANMA: Hey! That's not what you said before!
Hehehehehe.
She was still in the process of how to circumvent her sisters' plans when
Ranma at last appeared, dressed in a tux that, despite its large
dimensions,
was still pulled tight across his impressive chest. Akane and Kasumi
actually found their tension drift away for a moment as they found
themselves, while not necessarily attracted (they told themselves), not
quite as disinterested in their date as they were a moment ago.
A tux? Why doesn't he just wear his Chinese coat and cap?
Genma insisted on it to impress the girls. Think I should mention that?
I know this was shorter and a bit of a filler but I couldn't resist doing
it. Next chapter reveals the last heroes right before events finally
fully
kick into the motion as all of the various Avengers will be brought
together
at last.
As a filler, this wasn't bad... though I had some problems with the
execution, the Blob as a sumo wrestler makes too much sense not to do.
:)
Heh.
Looking forward to the next installment.
Next chapter of 'Old Acquiantance' is due next. After that it depends on the
muse. Still have a few kinks to work out of next chapter of this before I'll
feel comfortable with it.
Will use the grammar comments which I snipped. Thanks for the feedback. It's
really appreciated.
D.B. Sommer