There comes a time for every man when he must attempt public C&C; when, no matter if the author be young or old, male or female, green or veteran, he must do what he can to see the goal of that author, and assist in its realisation in fiction, all before the harsh gaze of the assembled multitudes.

Alternatively, he can take all the grammar bits he didn't overlook completely and bung in some unsuitable comments and a pretentious foreword to pad it out. I mean, how hard can it be? ^_^

From: "C. Jones" <guilty@furinkan.net>
To: ffml@fanfic.com
Subject: [FFML] Ranma's Apartment: 4 - Storms
Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2000 21:26:23 -0500

Okay. It's a day late. Shoot me.

No, knave. The injury you have caused demands a more... lingering restitution.

    Hiroshi Tanaka was a meteorologist at the University of
Japan in Tokyo. He taught a few classes, typed up a few
reports, and wished he could get a higher paying job on
television. His main concern, however, was to watch the radar
weather maps for trouble that could affect the country. When
severe weather threatened, it was Hiroshi's job to calculate
the chance that it would actually strike.

Newsreader: And now over to this report from our Tibetan correspondent, Hiroshi Tanaka, in Lhasa.

'a higher-paying job'

    A coworker, the man who'd brought the map to Hiroshi's
attention, looked over his shoulder.

'co-worker', I believe.

    "Hmm... I really think it's coming in too fast to grow
very large," Hiroshi noted. "Also, it should catch this current
and turn North and curve away before it ever comes close to the
mainland."

Co-worker: The title says you're wrong.

Extraneous capital.

    The coworker nodded.

'co-worker', again.

----------------------------------------
Ranma's Apartment: 4 - Storms

A Ranma 1/2 - Aa! Megami-sama Fanstory
by Chris Jones
----------------------------------------

Yay!

    After Akane had changed into the thin gown, the nurse
returned with several evil-looking devices. Akane shivered
nervously in expectation but tried to relax. It was just part
of the exam. after all.

Akane: I thought merchandising was getting out of hand, but a Wiseman stethoscope is just ridiculous.

Extraneous full stop.

      The nurse saved her from further embarrassment. "It's
good you've decided to take steps. So have you decided what
kind you'd like to try yet?"

Akane: Well, I was thinking of a brisk, aggressive, don't-mess-with-me sort of trot-

Nurse: All right, very funny-

Akane: -then I considered a slow, dispirited trudge, and-

Nurse: Look, knock it off, or-

Akane: -actually, I've decided on a cute-

Nurse: Right. Shut up or go. Your choice.

Akane: Spoilsport.

      Megumi dropped her magazine and ran over to the girl.
"Did you do it?" she asked of her friend.

Akane: She says I'm not her type.

      Megumi paused in midstride and guffawed. "Yahright."

'mid-stride'?

      Actually, with girls like Akane and Belldandy around, the
men probably wouldn't look twice at Megumi, she thought sadly.
She groaned in mock pain. "I was just thinking..."

Megumi: No like think. Make pain in head.

      Akane made a disgusted face. "Bleh!!!"

      "I have a cousin who does the same thing," Megumi
informed her. "The doctors all say that it's not really an
uncommon problem."

Akane: What, making a disgusted face and saying 'Bleh!!!'

Megumi: Yes. Many people exclaim with far more vigour than necessary, and world exclamation mark reserves are being depleted at an alarming rate.

    "In other news, the Japanese Meteorological Bureau has
upgraded tropical depression 'Mikado' to Tropical Storm status.
While the storm is not expected to come overland, all Honshu
residents who live in low lying or easily flooded areas are
being advised to--"

'scream, panic, and run. Didn't you idiots read the title?'

    Her dress and behavior had changed drastically since
Saotome left Nerima ward. Worse, she was gone from the area all
day, most days. When he or his loyal ninja tried to follow her,
all she did was ride the train all day, and get off at the end
of the day without giving neither hint nor clue to her original
destination.

Surely redundant.

    He was at his wits' end.

Not that that's necessarily very far to go.

    Ranma smirked and buried his face in the short, thick
hair. He inhaled deeply, savoring the fragrance, and exhaled
slowly, sending the girl into shivers.

Then, his nose tickled by the smell, he sneezed, violently.

    Akane did her best to keep from shivering again. Ranma's
pronouncement thrilled her almost as much as his lips on her
neck did. She had never felt so confident, or so alive as when
she trained with him. It was there, in the athletics room on
the ground floor of the building, or outside, in the courtyard
when they sparred that Akane felt like Ranma really respected
her. She found that she was almost addicted to that wonderful
gaze he gave her whenever she mastered a new kata or blocked
one of his blows.

Of course, the delicious pain when she failed to block - that was far more delightful.

    Ranma was left quite speechless. He had never quite
regained the brazenness or the confidence of the night of the
Halloween party. The night when Akane gave her virginity to
him. He desperately wanted to make love to Akane again... but
was unsure how to approach the situation. Whenever they
approached that kind of heat together, something always seemed
to come up.

I believe it's *supposed* to come up. ^_^

    He started to tremble, slightly. He realized that Akane
could probably feel his erection through his pants. She was
trembling as well.

    Before anything could happen, she stood up abruptly.

    "What? Is something wrong?" Ranma asked.

Akane: Something's come up again.

Ranma: Aw, man...

    Ranma's eyes brightened. He realized that he was probably
blushing as deeply as Akane was now, but he didn't care. He
carefully shifted his stance, hoping to keep his erection from
showing.

*FLASHBACK*

Genma: Boy, in time this stance will let you hide your vulnerability from your enemy. You must master it, or you will suffer!

*END FLASHBACK*

Ranma: Of course!

    "Oh yeah! Unless there's a typhoon or something!" he
joked, pointing to the darkened horizon line. "It'll be fine,
I'm sure!" He paused, clasping his hands. "So... You better
leave pretty quick, huh?"

Akane: READ THE TITLE, IDIOT!

    Kunou started to expound upon Akane's beauty and Ranma's
crimes in heroic couplets.

    Kodachi smacked him one and told him he had damn well
better shut up.

I confess that this doesn't seem appropriate for Kodachi. It was doubtless what she did, but it's not the way she'd think of it.

    "Will you keep me from saving my darlings from that
madman!?!?"

Kodachi: Brother! If you do not restrain your exclamations, we will surely not escape notice.

    "I don't understand," he complained.

Not a particularly Kuno-like line.

Message-ID: <000d01be3487$9ce78340$63a910cf@jws.utokyo.ed.jp>
From: "CPO E. McAtee" <emctee2@minnesota.navy.mil>
To: roto@jws.utokyo.ed.jp
Subject: Re: Depression 117
X-Mailer: RIFLE v1.1.7

>possible, check out Depression #117 with American radar as
>noted on the attached maps, if at all Possible. I need to

Roshi,

I took a look at the maps you gave me and pulled a few
strings with the NWB in Oahu. A bud of mine at NWB agrees
with your assessment. Tropical Storm 'Mikado' almost
certainly will move out to sea and shift north again
before hitting the Japanese mainland. I don't think you
need to start looking for typhoons.

As a matter of a fact, he said that there is less than
1 chance in 100 that the depress
typhoon.

Email shorthand, or was part of the sentence lost?

Does this match your assessment?

Ern...

---

Cheif Petty Officer Ernest McAtee - USS Minnesota

A typo, or does this guy routinely send out a signature with his rank spelt wrongly?

Well, he hasn't read the title, either...

    "We've come to help everybody off," Megumi explained.

    "Growf?"

Skuld: She said HELP you off, you perverted animal!

    "Why, thank-you Belldandy-chan!" Kasumi exclaimed,
lightly embracing the other girl. "That's so generous of you!"

'thank you'?

    Wearing his best clothes, i.e. his Chinese army uniform,
Ranma sat on the brickwork just by the fountain in front of
'Yang's' where he was supposed to meet Akane for the day.

I'd lose the 'i.e.'. Consider dashes instead.

    "I really don't know what size to get," he admitted. He
knew what size he would need if it were for him, he struggled
not to say.

And failed...

Ranma: I j-just want to b-b-be p-pretty!

    "Hmmm... The younger one, or the older one?" His friend
mulled.

I don't think you can mull a line of dialogue. I believe you want 'mused'.

    Genma shook his head and took the opportunity to push his
glasses up just before they boarded the jet. "You remember what
the master always says about women with tattoos..."

Soun: Yes, but I've been out of practice with the trombone for years, and you left your bust of Caligula at home. We won't find out if it's true now.

Genma: But-

Soun: Besides, where would we find fresh parmesan round here?

    From the train station near the airport, there was only
one connection to board the train that would take the girls to
the station nearest Ranma's apartment and the university.
Conversation between the four was light, until they started to
notice the rapidly darkening sky overhead.

'rapidly-darkening', I think.

     It was Kunou, and he looked like hell. His clothes were
rumpled and wrinkled and even from a distance, all four girls
could tell that he was in severe need of a bath. His hair was
mussed beyond recognition and there was a large grimy, sticky
spot on his hakama where someone had spilled a soda on him
several hours earlier. An old ice-cream wrapper was stuck to
one of his sandals and one leg of the hakama had ripped almost
to the knee.

Nice entrance.

    Worse, Kunou's face revealed his lack of sleep. He looked
weary and tired, as if he had been up all night, but there was
a fanatic burning in his eyes. Kunou's body looked tired, but
his weariness and exhaustion cast a frightening, zealous glow.
With a motion that was almost too quick for the humans in the
group to follow, Kunou slashed his bokken back and forth once
and held it at the ready position.

Fanatic: Arrrrrghh! Damn you! You can burn my body, but you'll never make me watch dubs! Do you hear me? Do you? One day it'll be you in the fire, and there will be no mercy! None! Ha-ha-haarrrghh!

Suggest 'fanatical', to remove ambiguity.

    "Nay!" Kunou shouted back, overhearing the private
exchange. "For there is none baser nor fouler than the dread
Ranma Saotome. Verily doth he thwart my every plan to free both
Akane and the lovely Pigtailed Girl from his dire clutches!
This effrontery has persisted for far too long. Now fight me,
Akane Tendou. Should you win, I would allow you to date me!
Should I win, I will gladly grace you with my presence."

Kuno's being archaic enough here that you should consider going to 'mine every plan'

    "Maybe you should go home and take a bath, Kunou," Akane
suggested. "I'm certain the we can talk about this later."

'certain that'

    It *was* a big deal, Akane found out as Kunou lunged at
her. Ranma's training had driven into her a need and the
ability to read her opponents, so as Akane dodged out of the
way and attempted to drive a foot into Kunou's mid-section, she
could tell that he was far, far beyond feeling any pain. He
lashed out again, doing his best to knock Akane down, rather
than hit or cut her.

Suggest 'a need and an ability' or 'the need and the ability'

    Nodding, Megumi grabbed Skuld's arm and led her past the
stunned kendoist and out the door of the train station.
Belldandy followed close behind. Akane took  a few steps away
from her attacker and stood just outside the doorway.

Extra space.

    Akane shook her head. He beyond reason. She hoped that
she wasn't going to have to injure him. "I'm not your
'possession', Kunou," she snapped back. "I never was, no matter
how often you imagined it. Now are you going to go home?"

'He was beyond reason'

    There wasn't any help for it. She might have even waited
in the rain for Akane, had she not had the gift with her. As it
was, she didn't want Akane's present to get ruined. She wasn't
certain if rainwater would harm the delicate fabric, but was
unwilling to take the chance. She also didn't want to present
Akane with a soggy gift.

Ranma: How is it?

Akane: Oh, Ranma - I feel...

Ranma: Yes?

Akane: Really wet...

Ranma: Oh, Akane...

Akane: I mean, what the hell did you do with this, you moron? Use it to go fishing with?

    He was a little ways away from the train station where
Akane, like a shy schoolgirl, had run away from him. He
grimaced in pain as he tried to stand, remembering how
exuberantly forceful her running away had been.

He should see what happens when she decides to stay and beat him up. ^_^

    What lay on his futon was most definitely *not* Akane.

Cologne: Ah, Son-in-law, there you are. It occurred to me that while your martial skills are more than acceptable, you have yet to acquire the knowledge of giving pleasure to a woman that any Chinese Amazon female would regard as her right in a mate, and that any Chinese Amazon male would know.

Ranma: Uhhh...

Cologne: I will not allow anything less than the very best for my great-granddaughter! Your training begins now!

    Akane's world was shattered. Every last foundation came
crashing down on her. Not really caring that she bruised her
arm running into the elevator, she punched several of the
buttons and collapsed in the corner to cry.

I don't think foundations, even metaphorical foundations, have any business crashing *down* on anybody.

    "Akane Tendou!" Tatewaki Kunou shouted over howl of the
rain and wind. "Now you will be mine. Submit yourself to me!"

'shouted over the howl'

    Akane lurched back, horrified. Kunou's wet hair whipped
all around him in a terrifying nimbus. His bruised body stood
upright, unmoved by the elements. His eyes were totally devoid
of anything even close to reason.

Kuno does his 'cheap horror flick' act.

    She was terrified, her eyes opened wide with panic and
pain. She was breathing in great, heaving gasps and clutching
her side just below her breast. Ranma didn't see any blood, but
from he way the girl was moving, it looked like she had been
badly bruised.

'from the way'

    With one arm held in a guarded position, Akane lashed out
with her other fist, hitting a vulnerable spot on Kodachi's
ribcage. She lashed out again, blackening the girl's left eye.
She lashed out again... and again... and...

    "KACHUU TENSHIN AMAGURIKEN!!!" Akane screamed, unleashing
dozens of blows to Kodachi's vulnerable points in just a few
seconds. Kodachi flew back and impacted the wall behind her.

Y'know, I'm getting rather worried about these 'vulnerable points' Kodachi has. Where is Akane putting her hands?

    Ranma dodged underneath a swipe of Kunou's blade and
rolled towards the open door. A blast of cold water from the
storm outside blew in, drenching the martial artist.

    Kodachi blinked, unsure of what she had just seen. Did
Ranma-sama just... *become*... the...

Cluestick Operator: It's not strong enough! She's fighting back, managing to deny it!

Cluestick Supervisor: Try again! Hit her harder this time!

Cluestick Operator: It's no good! I can't get it into position!

Cluestick Supervisor: Hang in there! I'll try to call in a Fortunate Coincidence!

    Ranma eeped and dodged back away from the groping
kendoist, moving through the doorway and outside the building
into the brunt of the storm. Kunou leapt after her and  managed
to grab her roughly around the midsection, groping crudely at
one of the girl's breasts.

Extra space.

    "Hold, fiery Akane! Your turn to battle Blue Thunder
shall come anon! I must first capture mighty pigtailed girl
before I can turn my attention to you, fair one!"

'the mighty pigtailed girl'?

    Kodachi blinked, not believing what she's seen. Ranma-
sama had just become the pigtailed girl and her brother had
seriously hurt Akane, a girl he claimed to love. What madness
was this? She staggered to her

Earlobes?

    He raised his katana and started a vicious slashing
attack that crossed back and forth in front of Ranma.

Cluestick Supervisor: Fortunate Coincidence incoming! Get ready!

    Unwilling to risk being caught with Kunou's blade, Ranma
allowed herself to be backed into the building. Eventually,
Kunou's katana slashed into the wall and stuck. Steaming water
from the boiler line behind the surface of the wall began to
spray out, mixing with the cold rain.

    Ranma was caught in the spray once again, this time
changing back into a man.

Cluestick Supervisor: NOW!

    Kodachi boggled, falling back to her knees. Ranma's
fighting movements didn't even change when he transformed. It
was true... and her brother couldn't see that.

Cluestick Operator: Yes! We've got her!

    Kodachi grabbed one of her discarded clubs and rapped him
across the back of the head.

Cluestick Supervisor: Success!

    It was a few minutes into the ride when Akane turned and
pressed her face into Ranma's red hair and began to whisper.
Even with Belldandy's shield, the wind whipped howlingly around
them so that only Ranma could hear her.

Howlingly? That is an ugly adverb. How about tumultuously?

    "So... So why were you in there... naked... with
Kodachi?" Akane asked.

Ranma: Why not?

    "I have some at home that I've been wanting to model for
you for quite a while," Akane admitted. "Maybe after the
storm?" she suggested.

Akane: Perhaps you could... return the favour.

    Ranma was speechless.

Heh.

    On a sofa next to her, Kunou sat up and began to rant in
a delirious voice. "Whazz? Nuh? Drat! The foul sorcerer Saotome
has spirited away the Pigtailed Girl and Akane Tendou once
again! The letch!" He staggered to his feet, clutching at his
aching skull. "I... ooh... I shall vanquish him this day! I
swear that... uhhh... swear... ugh... Blue Thunder doesn't feel
so good."

Heh.

'lech'?

    Kodachi lit a candle, casting her flushed face in an
eerie mix of light and shadow. "I'm not surprised, my buffoon
of a brother. The 'foul sorcerer' gave you a *richly* deserved
concussion."

Kuno: Aah! A witch!

#WHACK#

Kuno: Uurrgh... need... rest...

    "I have *no* idea, Brother," Kodachi admitted. "I do know
that you will probably not survive if you venture back out into
the storm. Why don't you wait for it to subside before persuing
your specious romances."

Oooh, good word.

    Kodachi sighed, suddenly very unsure of herself and what
she had written. She wasn't sure what she wanted to say, but at
least she had a start.

Nice.

A good chapter. A very good chapter. Not so much humour as before, but dramatic and intense martial action. I will spare you. ^_^

There remains one thing to do.

(Andrew applauds)

Author's notes:

Let's see a show of hands in the audience, who knows what a 'Freeze Plug' is in relationship to a car.

Andrew looks blank. A wha'?

(Jones nods, seeing a few of the more mechanically inclined members of the audience wincing in sympathy.)

Well *I* didn't, not until mine cracked and started spraying water all over my engine block. If you can't imagine the sound that would >make,  imagine the sound on any given planet just after Kei and Yuri >have visited.

It sounds like loud cheering from people who feel that they are no longer at an unwarrentedly high risk of imminent death?

What's next for Ranma's Apartment? Part 5 will *definitely* be the last chapter.

What? Right, that's it. (muttering) ...lingering, yes. Must definitely come up with something cruel, and very, very lingering...

Look forward to Shampoo and Ukyou looking for answers from Ranma.
There may also be a Lemon side story that covers the rest of the duration of 'Mikado'.

Aaah... you may yet save your wretched neck, Mr Jones...

What's next for me? Probably more 'Clan' if I can get to it. There may be a one-shot or two in the works.

Or, there may not. Who can say?

Vincent Says: "What? What DOES the master always say about women with tattoos?
Whaaaaat?" ...as Megumi might say. :)"

Presumably, they like to be beaten rhythmically... ^_^

C.
* * *

C. Jones - guilty@furinkan.net
http://www.furinkan.net

Watashi ha ultra-relakusu!

Andrew Johnston

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