The camera pans across two men sitting in front of an enormous
screen in the center of a large ampitheater. Both are eating popcorn and
sipping enormous cups of beer. The camera then changes view to their faces,
revealing them as Hikaru Gosunkugi and the Knight Writer.
Knight Writer: Hi, all, and welcome to another MSTing. I'm Knight
Writer and this is my co-MSTer, Hikaru Gosunkugi
Gos: Hi, all.
Knight: Anyway, we're here to rip... uh... review a fic sent to the
FFML by one... (searches through a stack of papers) AH! Darklord Kerberos.
Gos: Lemme guess. This is a Darkfic, right?
Knight: The tags say so. Anyway, we're not here to trash any fanfic..
Gos [coughing]: BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT!
Knight [glaring at Gos]: What?
Gos: Nothing...
Knight: Like I was saying, we're not here to trash this fic. We hope
to provide constructive criticism in order to help authors better their own
writing.
Gos: And to get in a few cheap, tasteless jokes.
Knight [growling in frustration]: Keep it up, and I'll write a lemon
featuring you and Cologne!
Gos: You wouldn't dare...
Knight: Try me. [looks back at camera] Anyway, on with the fic.
Project Zero, by Darklord Kerberos.
[The enormous screen lights up, the picture coalescing into plain
text that Listar prefers.]
Project Zero
by Red Dragon
Gos: Wait, I thought this guy's name was Darklord... something or
other...
Knight: A pseudonym for a pseudonym?
Chapter 1: Strange Metal Warriors
Knight: Sounds promising...
"Dr.Carnin, What are we going to tell The Director about Project Zero?" a
worried young man gasped as he stood next to a tall man. A tall older man
stood next to the younger man who stood trembling as he looked out a hole in
the labratory wall. The older man placed a hand on the younger mans sholder
tring to calm him down.
Gos: Hoo-boy... Yaoi alert.
Knight: You're sick, Gos. Anyway, this first paragraph, while
adequate, is lacking in detail. Young man and tall man...
Gos: Are generic American Superheroes?
Knight: Gee, I hear Cologne is available tonight...
Gos [terrified]: I'll shut up now.
Knight: Thank you. Now, this needs detail. Describe their
appearances. We know one is tall, but what of the other?
Gos: Yeah. What do they look like? What are they feeling? Give us a
little insight on that. Also, there were some spelling mistakes like
sholder. You're missing a "u", and in this case, "mans" should have an
apostrophe.
"Jason," the older man said as he patted the young man on the back. Jason
stood shaking as he listened to what the older man had to say. "Jason, I
will take the blame for this. You are too young to get fired from this
lab."
Gos: So, we have names now. And the tall man is also older. This
could be done in the first paragraph.
Knight: Also, I think you need to rethink your approach a little.
Too young to get fired from the lab? Given what you've set up so far, with
the hole in the lab wall and the name, I think getting fired would be the
least of Jason's worries. Staying alive would be topmost.
"Yes Dr.Carnin", Jason managed to gasp. Jason looked at the final readout
of Project Zero before it had escaped. The commands it was recived were in
a strange code that Jason had never seen before. "Dr.Carnin, do you think
it will kill anyone?"
Gos: This is still a bit dry. It could use more of an emotional
charge. Also, I don't think Jason would gasp an affirmative to Carmin in
this instance.
Knight: Last, there's another grammar goof. The third sentence
should have "had" instead of "was".
"I can't answer that, Jason. What readouts we have make no sense what so
ever." With that Dr. Carnin walked out of the holding area and headed to
his car. Outside he looked at the DRACON ROBOTICS sign and sighed. Tokyo
would never be the same untill Project Zero was recaptured.
Knight: Huh? The holding area was right next to the parking lot? It
would be better to be underground, IMHO.
Gos: And, even after Zero is recaptured, Tokyo wouldn't be the same.
Fix that.
****
"Come back here, Ranma!", a very annoyed Royga screamed as he chased the
pig tailed martial artist across the rooftops of Nermia. As Ranma jumped
down and started running across the street a little old lady splashed him
with water, causing him to became a very cute red-headed girl. Royga pulled
out his faithful umbrella and was spared getting splashed by the old lady.
Knight: Unit eleven, we have a confirmed cliche, send backup.
"What the hell did I do this time?", Ranma screamed as he tried to lose the
annoyed lost boy. Royga seemed to be thinking as he ran past Ranma and
fell into the ditch. Covered in water a small black piglett screamed for
someone to pick it up. Ranma started laughing as he called down to his
former chaser, asking him if he neded help.
Gos: Ryoga? THINKING! It's a sign of the apocalypse!
Knight: Also, piglet has only one "t". Next, "chaser" would be
better as "pursuer".
Ranma saw something metalic dash by his head. Unable to see what had leaped
past him he returned his attention to the little pig in the ditch. The pig
had managed to swim back to shore as Ranma picked him up and laughed at him.
Gos: Oh, man, this is just too much.
Knight: I agree. I don't think this scene even needs to be in the
story. First off, it's an almost textbook example of a fan cliche.
Gos: Ryoga chases Ranma, both get wet, yadda yadda yadda...
Knight [to Gos]: I gotta stop letting you watch Seinfeld reruns. [to
camera] It doesn't do anything for the story. I got from the metal thing
flashing by that you're hinting at Project Zero, but it could be done in a
far better way.
Gos: You don't even need Ranma or Ryoga. Just have a scene in which
Zero is moving through the city, driven by the strange codes. Or whatever
else may suit you.
Nabiki thought, "What a wonderful day to make some extra cash". She had
gathered her little crew of loyal girls and started to gather the days news
on who might fight whom and she added the fact that she might be able to
take bets. Of course there was Ranma, she could always set up another fight
with Ranma versus anyone and make some money, then again she had started to
lose money on those sort of fights. So she turned her attention to
gathering info to blackmail the Kunos into giving up some cash.
Gos: Speaking from experience, Ranma doesn't need Nabiki to set up
his fights. She's not Don King.
Knight: Also, Nabiki being an amateur mafioso is a cliche. And why
would they all be girls?
Gos: Nabiki's running a white slavery ring?
Knight: Shut up, Gos. Anyway, this is yet another example of rampant
cliches. You don't need all this in the fic. Just some spiel about Nabiki's
current thoughts and emotions.
Gos: The readers know Nabiki is a money-grubbing mercenary slut...
Knight [in a warning tone]: Gos....
Gos: Ahem. They know she's greedy, and they know she acts as a
bookie and extortionist extraordinaire. If you must use this, then show it
and not tell it.
One of Nabiki's little helpers was patroling as usual the east side of the
campus looking for someone to hit up for money or maybe even the "Blue
Blunder" Tatiwakie Kuno to sell some new pics of Ranchan or Akane to him.
She meet someone alright a tall metalic figure stood infront of her. It
looked like a suit of plate mail armor from England or something out of a
Knight movie. She could see it had two red eyes that seemed to glare at her
from within the helmet.
Gos: Tatiwakie? Man, our names REALLY look fouled up in English...
Knight: Why is she calling Ranma "Ranchan"? Has Nabiki enlisted Ukyo
into her ranks? And why is this girl selling pics of Akane and Ranma?
Nabiki, being Akane's sister, could get away with it.
Gos: If it were ANY other girl, Akane would probably kick her ass
six ways from Sunday.
Knight: Also, in the instance of your prose, "knight" is not
capitalized. Last, your description of Project Zero is... lacking.
Gos: No kidding. The readers don't yet know what Zero really is.
What it looks like should be something you build toward. Really crank up the
tension here. This thing, from what I understand, is some obscenely powerful
killing machine. Make it look like one.
Knight: Full plate armor from England? The polished metal bit is
okay, but make it sound sinister. Frightening. Really get into the
descriptions here, and tell it from the girl's point of view. Make us feel
her fear and surprise at this thing
"Hurt//Maim//Kill" The suit of armor stated in a monotone voice. The girl
stood there as the suit of armor walked towards her. The walking suit of
armor grabed her by the arm and pulled her closer to itself.
"HURT//MAIM//KILL"
Knight: And this. Hurt/Maim/Kill? This thing is supposed to be a
terminator of some sort. I think it would be better to keep the armor silent
while it hurts/maims/kills this girl.
The girl managed to let out one high pitched scream for help before the suit
of armor ripped her head from her body. The suit of armor let her body fall
to the ground as it dropped her head and looked towards the sky. A male
student heared the girl's cry for help and came running to see what was
going on- but by the time he arrived he found only the girl's head and her
body and not her attacker. Running as fast as his legs would carry him he
went and told Princepal Kuno what he found.
Gos: Principal Kuno? Oh, man...
Knight: He's the LAST person on earth to tell anything to.
Gos: Also, make us feel what the guy's feeling. Descritive prose
could really help out this fic.
[The text fades, leaving Gos and Knight Writer in the glow of the
lamps above]
Knight: This fic does have potential, but it's just too dry. Like gin.
Gos: You alkie. Anyway, Darklord Kerberos, Red Dragon, or whatever
you call yourself, you need to show us what the characters are feeling. Just
telling us doesn't get it across. This is a fic that could take off, but the
writing is going to scare away potential readers.
Knight: I agree. I suggest getting yourself a good prereader first
off. Second, think your plot through COMPLETELY. Nothing sucks more than
writing yourself into a corner.
Gos: There's a lot to be done to this, but we don't have time to get
into all of it. We don't mean to insult you, but the writing is just plain
bad. No matter how good the idea is, bad writing will ruin the whole damn thing.
Knight: Improve your skills, preferably by reading what others have
done first. Then, write your own and find someone to go over it for you.
This isn't really so hard. All you need to do is go to FFIRC and ask for
prereaders to help with grammar and writing style. You'd be surprised at the
results. Failing that, you could post a request to the list, but ask for
private replies.
Gos: And so ends another MST by us, Hikaru Gosunkugi and Knight Writer.
Knight: Later!
[The scene fades out as the Knight Rider theme plays over the speakers.]
Knight Writer.