--- "C. Jones" <guilty@furinkan.net> wrote:
Okay. It's a day late. Shoot me.
#Well, if you insist. *KA-KLACK* Where do you live?
Of course, at this point I should state that all C&C is IMHO only. Or
something.
(10-14-2000)
------------------------------
Hiroshi Tanaka was a meteorologist at the University of
Japan in Tokyo. He taught a few classes, typed up a few
reports, and wished he could get a higher paying job on
television. His main concern, however, was to watch the radar
weather maps for trouble that could affect the country. When
severe weather threatened, it was Hiroshi's job to calculate
the chance that it would actually strike.
Currently, he was poring over a satellite map of the
South Pacific. A little blob of white on a sea of black labeled
'117' was his current concern.
#Okay, while I know it's the correct word, 'poring' seems off to me.
Maybe 'studying' or 'examining' instead?
A coworker, the man who'd brought the map to Hiroshi's
attention, looked over his shoulder.
#You could name the coworker. A name fleshes out the story a bit
better than just 'a coworker' or 'the other man'.
<SNIP>
"I've been training a lot lately," Akane offered in
explanation. "My... boyfriend has really been putting me
through the wringer lately."
#You don't put a space after an ellipsis. So it should be
"My...boyfriend"
"The martial artist?"
Akane nodded.
"This way please." The nurse led Akane into an
examination room and pulled a white cotton gown out of a low
cabinet. "Go ahead and change into this if you would. I need to
get some more supplies but I should be right back."
#I think you need a comma after 'supplies', but I'm not certain.
After Akane had changed into the thin gown, the nurse
returned with several evil-looking devices. Akane shivered
nervously in expectation but tried to relax. It was just part
of the exam. after all.
#Should be a comma after 'exam'. THAT I'm certain of.
A few minutes later it was all over. The nurse made a few
cursory notes on her tablet and handed a sheet of paper to
Akane.
"These are the results of your tests from yesterday. No
infections, no STD's and you aren't currently pregnant."
Even though she had been expecting it, Akane breathed a
sigh of relief.
"I take it you were worried," the nurse asked.
Akane shook her head. "Not really. My period's just not
that regular. We... ummm..."
#"Bumped uglies? Did the Texas Two-Step? Rode the baloney pony?
Summoned the two-backed monster?"
That being said:
Ellipsis, again. And I prefer to put four if you use them to end a
sentence. (This is just personal preference. Either way is correct.)
And so on throughout. I'll ignore the rest of them.
"Had intercourse?"
"Yes. That. We were using... protection, but I'm really
not sure that either one of us will remember that very well."
#They could just have sex as girls. Think of the fanservice!
<SNIP>
The girl's expression became a little more serious.
"Actually, it's because I've got a weird cycle. Sometimes I
just bleed for months on end if I don't take it."
Akane made a disgusted face. "Bleh!!!"
#Thank you. I REALLY didn't need to know that.
<SNIP>
"Hmmm..." Megumi pursed her lips in thought. "He would be
*very* upset if we asked."
"Yes," Akane agreed. "Yes he would."
#"Ranma?"
"Yeah, Akane?"
"Do you ever feel...not-so-fresh?"
The two girls resumed their pace, both trying to imagine
Ranma's reaction to the question. Megumi shook her head at the
thought while Akane just shuddered.
They continued that way in silence for a few blocks.
Finally, with a curious look on her face, Akane turned to her
friend. "Do the goddesses?"
Megumi was taken aback, but kept up her pace. "Well, Urd
and Skuld are definitely moody enough sometimes..." She shook
her head a little bit. "I've never heard them complain,
though."
Akane nodded in agreement. "Menstruation of the gods does
seem just a bit far-fetched, I guess."
#And a guy who turns into a girl with cold water doesn't? Or
goddesses who get power from booze and ice cream?
<SNIP>
Then she saw the pigtailed girl nervously peck Akane on
the cheek. It was an innocent gesture... but she knew it for
what it was. It was obvious that the two girls were lovers.
They were forever touching... forever letting their gazes
linger over one another...
#Forever ripping off each other clothes and engaging in mad,
passionate sex...
It would not do to have her Ranma-sama ensnared by such
wanton women. She would make a much better, much more demure
wife for him. She would never betray his love with another
woman.
#And men are terrified of her. I think that just leaves farm animals.
<SNIP>
That was the crux of the situation, he surmised. He had
been ill at ease ever since the pigtailed girl had disappeared.
It was true that the fair Akane was still in residence at the
Tendou Dojo, but Kunou just couldn't help himself from thinking
about why the pigtailed girl *and* the heinous Ranma Saotome
had gone missing.
#They're shacking up. Duh.
Had he taken the girl to some secret hideout to molest
her in seclusion? Was he having his cruel way with her as Kunou
sat powerless to stop such a crime?
#Ayup.
<SNIP>
"You did real good today," he said, complimenting her.
"You're gettin' to the point where you can really start tryin'
to master the Amiguriken."
#Shouldn't that be 'Amaguriken'?
<SNIP>
"While they're gone... I was thinking of locking up the
house and the dojo and spending... the week... over here."
#HELLLLLOOOOO, mad, passionate sex! By the end of the week, they
aren't even gonna be able to move.
<SNIP>
"See!" Kodachi hissed from her vantage inside the dense
shrubbery near the courtyard..
#Double period.
<SNIP>
"I don't understand," he complained.
#And we're suppossed to be surprised? Anyone surprised? No? Didn't
think so.
<SNIP>
As a matter of a fact, he said that there is less than
1 chance in 100 that the depress
typhoon.
#Did you intend to cut off in the middle of 'depression'?
Does this match your assessment?
Ern...
---
Cheif Petty Officer Ernest McAtee - USS Minnesota
#'Chief'
<SNIP>
"Nnn..." Nabiki grumbled. "Someone is just too damn
cheerful this morning," she complained, blinking her eyes
against the harsh morning light.
#Akane: That's 'cause I'm getting laid as soon as you guys leave! Now
get the hell out of here!
<SNIP>
So now Ranma sat, almost an hour early for the meeting,
desperately trying to think of how to present this, the most
intimate of gifts, to the woman he loved. If he was lucky,
Ranma thought, then he wouldn't get pounded for being so
provocative.
#I thought the idea was to get 'pounded'?
<SNIP>
"WAAAAAAHHHH!" Soun bellowed as he was being bodily
dragged along the boarding ramp by the stewardess and his best
friend. "My little girl will be all alone!!!!"
#Not hardly. And even if she was, I'd bet she'd be glad about it.
<SNIP>
Genma shook his head and took the opportunity to push his
glasses up just before they boarded the jet. "You remember what
the master always says about women with tattoos..."
#They wore leather underwear?
* * *
Twelve fifteen.
Ranma glanced nervously at the clouds that were building
overhead. In the back of his mind, he was thinking that they
were probably a result of the tropical storm. Up front however,
he was trying to visualize a situation in which he gave the
lingerie to Akane as a girl and didn't cause a fight.
"I can't think like that!" he chided himself. It wasn't
like he and Akane hadn't even experimented with...
#Mmmmm, happy thoughts. *drool*
Ranma took a moment to calm himself, flashes of pink
flesh and the red vinyl of their Halloween costumes roaring
through his mind.
#I don't know about 'roaring'. Maybe 'flashing', instead?
<SNIP>
"It look's like 'Mikado' is turning late," the weather
bureau chief for the University of Tokyo stated, holding out
several pages of printouts. "It's also starting to rain over in
Nerima district."
#Why would that merit a note? It rains in Nerima every freaking day!
(Or at least it seems like it.) I think a lack of rain would be more
unusual.
<SNIP>
The train slowed and pulled into a short tunnel that led
into the train station itself. The girls gathered their
belongings. For Akane, this was a full overnight bag. She was a
little bit embarrassed about it, but the other girls hadn't
said anything about the bag yet, even if she was fairly certain
that both Megumi and Belldandy knew what it was for.
#She was especially glad they didn't say anything about the muffled
clanking. Or the sailor fuku. Or the policeman's uniform. Or the
rope.(Yes, I've read 'A Fantasy Life'. Why do you ask?)
"Kunou-sempai!" she stated nervously. "Did you spend all
night here at the station?"
"SILENCE!!!!" Kunou bellowed. His voice was unstable.
"Know this, Akane Tendou! Now that I have at last followed your
path to its conclusion, your days of servitude to the foul
demon Saotome are over!"
"Demon?" Skuld whispered. "Did he say demon?"
#"That would explain why Akane said he was 'A demon in bed'." Skuld
continued in a considering tone.
Belldandy looked at a now beet-red Akane. Akane giggled nervously.
<SNIP>
Worse, Ranma thought in shock, she was clad in sheer
lingerie and thigh high stockings. Her nipples and thick black
delta were clearly visible through the transparent lace as she
sensuously ran her hands down her torso and over her hips.
Starting in anger and ripping his eyes away from her delicately
exposed body, he saw the 'Lacy Doll' package torn open on the
floor next to his futon.
#You know it just occured to me that it's too bad you didn't name the
lingerie store the 'Silky Doll'. I could have made a few BGC jokes.
Oh, well.
Ranma clenched his fists in fury. Kodachi had broken into
his apartment and was wearing the bodysuit and stockings he had
bought specially for Akane!
#Um, this part really isn't necessary. Maybe the 'clenched his fists'
part, but the rest just re-states what's already obvious.
<SNIP>
Then, to Ranma's horror, the door opened.
#"Here's Johnny!" Jack Nicholson screamed, waving an ax. Ranma and
Kodachi stared.
"DAMN IT! CUT! Jack! You're on the wrong fucking set! Get the hell
out of here!"
"Ooops. Sorry 'bout this." Nicholson red-facedly said as he backed
out of the doorway. Kodachi groaned, then shrieked.
"Get your hand off of that! That's for my beloved Ukyo-sama's touch
only!"
<SNIP>
Kasumi examined the news broadcast on the tiny screen.
"Oh, it's too late, now, Father. They've closed the airport.
The best we can do is make sure Akane is okay once we get to
the hotel. The storm has already started."
#And let me just state here: WWWWHHHHHOOOOOO-HOOOOOO! For too long
this has been all that there was to RA4. Finally get to read the
rest! YEA!
<SNIP>
"Oh God, why?" she wailed out loud, her voice lost in the
howling wind.
#A lightning bolt slammed into the pavement in front of her and burnt
a message into it. Akane read it in disbelief.
"Dramatic tension?" Akane clenched her fist and began to glow.
"That's it. Jones dies. First, he screws me over in "The Clan." Then,
he wrote "The Virus." I don't like being a guy, even occasionally! I
won't even mention all the Lemons! Now this? He's gonna pay!"
<SNIP>
Akane lurched back, horrified. Kunou's wet hair whipped
all around him in a terrifying nimbus. His bruised body stood
upright, unmoved by the elements. His eyes were totally devoid
of anything even close to reason.
#Okay, and Kuno has reason normally?
Worse, he had abandoned his wooden bokken in favor of a
steel katana. Akane gulped upon seeing the razor edge of the
sword.
"Now, Akane Tendou!" Kunou cried out, striking with his
blade.
Akane dodged, barely avoiding the cutting edge. She cried
out in horror.
"Take this!" Kunou bellowed. "And this! And this! Let my
blazing sword be the light of my love for you!"
#*snort* His 'blazing sword' Must not laugh. Oh, screw it.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
He backed her up against an alley wall in almost no time.
#You know, a lot of porn movies start the same way. Or so I'm told.
Yeah, that's it.
"Now, Akane Tendou, I will take back from Saotome what is
rightfully mine!" he cried, reaching for her blouse.
Akane ducked and rolled under his arm, barely avoiding
having her blouse ripped away. Kunou lashed out, catching Akane
on the ribs with the back of his sword as she rolled past.
Akane cried out at the painful blow, but staggered to her feet
and ran weakly back to the apartment, the wind blowing her
along and causing her to stumble. She had never felt so weak or
so powerless.
#You don't need the second 'so'. It's redundant.
* * *
Ranma grimaced and growled in anger. Akane wasn't in the
parking garage, and when he returned to his own floor, Kodachi
was already missing from his apartment. Realizing that Akane
must have left the building, Ranma reentered the elevator and
went down to the ground floor. He was just about to open one of
the boarded over doors and start to search outside, when the
door flew open and Akane darted inside.
"Akane!"
She was terrified, her eyes opened wide with panic and
pain. She was breathing in great, heaving gasps and clutching
her side just below her breast. Ranma didn't see any blood, but
from he way the girl was moving, it looked like she had been
badly bruised.
#"from the way she was" I presume? Not "from he way the girl"?
<SNIP>
"*Haff*... How dare you?!?!" Kodachi choked out in
protest. Fight by the rules, commoner!"
#Rules? From a style named "Anything Goes"? Yeah, right.
Akane just reached around and backhanded the girl across
the face as hard as she could.
#Hmmm, Kodachi should be spitting out a few teeth when she wakes up.
Kodachi went down, splashing in a large puddle of
rainwater on the floor. Dazedly, she probed at her lips, which
were bleeding. For a second, she looked around in disbelief as
if she didn't understand what was going on. "You... YOU...
YOU.... DIE, TENDOU!!!" she screamed.
#Still conscious? Wow, being stark, raving insane can do wonderful
things for your toughness, apparently.
Kodachi launched herself at Akane and began to pound on
the girl with her fists like a child pounds the floor in a
tantrum. It was obvious to Akane, who was easily dodging or
blocking the blows, that Kodachi was quite useless without her
gymnastics tools.
#Seems a bit awkward. Maybe re-word the first sentence? Perhaps:
"Kodachi launched herself at Akane and began to pound on her like
a child pounds the floor in a tantrum."
Akane suddenly realized how badly she was out-classing
the taller girl. It must have been Ranma's training. Kodachi
wasn't landing *anything* that Akane couldn't easily block.
Confidence and strength surged through her. Akane smiled,
knowing that she had already won the fight.
Akane blocked an angry fist and tagged Kodachi's face
hard enough to make her spit blood again.
"That does it! KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ME!!" Kodachi
screamed. She jumped into the air, her fists aimed at Akane's
face.
#She is keeping her hands off. She's touching you with her fists.
(The Devil is in the details, remember.)
Time seemed to slow for Akane. Kodachi seemed to be
floating in front of her.
#She reached behind her and grabbed her Glock. She pulled it out and
placed it to Kodachi's forehead. "Dodge this."
"I'm okay!" Akane shouted over the roaring wind. She
gripped the wound with her hand, holding it closed and applying
as much pressure as she could to try to stop the bleeding.
"Just put him out!" she yelled, running back into the building.
Kodachi blinked, not believing what she's seen. Ranma-
sama had just become the pigtailed girl and her brother had
seriously hurt Akane, a girl he claimed to love. What madness
was this? She staggered to her
#Forgot 'feet.'
<SNIP>
"What have you done with the pigtailed girl?!?" Kunou
screamed, his rage increasing as he tried to dislodge his sword
from its metal trap
#Forgot the period.
<SNIP>
"MY LITTLE GIRL IS ALL ALONE!!!!" Soun wailed.
#Yeah, right. By now, she and Ranma are making the neighbors stare at
the wall in amazement.
"She's a screamer. I never would have guessed." Megumi whispered to
herself. "Wait. That's Akane's voice. Who's the other female?"
A grin crept onto her face. She chuckled. "Well, that answers my
question about THAT." She listened for a few more seconds. "Sounds
like Ranma's a screamer, too."
<SNIP>
Ahhh... Uhhh... Sore wa himitsu-des!
(The Audience is *not* amused.)
#Probably because none of them understood what he said. Translation,
anyone?
What's next for Ranma's Apartment? Part 5 will *definitely* be the
last
chapter. Look forward to Shampoo and Ukyou looking for answers from
Ranma.
There may also be a Lemon side story that covers the rest of the
duration
of 'Mikado'.
#AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!! Now I have to wait for it!
You...you...are a bad, bad man.
What's next for me? Probably more 'Clan' if I can get to it. There
may be a
one-shot or two in the works.
#Yes! More 'Clan'! More 'Clan'!!
#Ah, it was worth the wait. I love this fic. Write more! And don't
take over a year to do it, this time! (Unless you write another 20+
chapters of 'The Clan'. Then it'd be okay.)
Ja Ne!
Slacker
=====
"Remember, a fair fight only happens
because of poor planning on your part."
---Sailor Nemesis
I am...(Drumroll, please)...Slacker!
KSC, Knight of Discordia, Lord of Discord (Hail Eris!)
Member of the Church of Ami & Makoto
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