Kiyone and Mihoshi were methodically examining the accident
scene. Some aspects of being a police officer translated
well from Galaxy Police procedures to earthbound ones, and
the detectives figured that the more hassle they could save
the local polices, the less chance of them launching an
extended investigation that might discover the local
residents' true nature.
Potential continuity error. Kiyone doesn't appear
in the OAVs, which this story appears to be based on.
"Well...Ryo-ohki and I, I don't think you have to ask.
Kiyone and Mihoshi have been in the Galaxy Police long
enough that they've been in more than one raid gone wrong,
though they probably won't admit it. Washu...well, when
she was making me, I know she had some failed experiments,
and she wasn't always as kind as you've seen her be. In
fact, she once destroyed a whole planet just because..."
Ryoko trailed off as Sasami's face took on a slight tinge
of horror. "Never mind. And Ayeka, well..."
Since Washu made Ryoko, the only continuity this fits into is
from the OAVs. Which again begs the question of whether Kiyone
should be around.
Does her presence really add anything to your story? (Besides a
bit of credibility when the GP officers investigate the scene? ;)
<clip>
Ryoko slowly brought Sasami into a full hug. "I had to
give this same talk to Ayeka, after her first accident.
She'll never admit it, but she was going nuts, thinking
she was not fit to live and trying to be bad enough to
convince everyone else to take her out. I literally saved her
life by calming her down, though she's made herself forget
it. And you know what? She's never, EVER, paid me back for
that. Ever."
Of course, this is begging for an explanation. When could this
have happened? Ayeka knew about -- but didn't meet -- the space
pirate until they where both on Earth, which implies...
<clip>
Well, that was a nice little fic. Not too angsty, considering the
subject matter. About the only problem I had were the continuity
issues. Ryoko's talk with Ayeka especially demanded my attention,
but you never addressed it.
I would go back and pick one continuity and stick with it. If it's
OAV, consider removing Kiyone. If it's anything but OAV, then Washu
didn't make Ryoko. Fortunately, neither of these things would
involve making big changes to your scenes.
While I'm usually a purist for following strict continuity, and
this fic clearly violates it, I didn't feel too bad about the way
it works out here. If I remember correctly, Adrian, some of your
previous stories haven't been all that strict, and I enjoyed them
as well.
What _I'd_ recommend is a simple "merged continuity" disclaimer
up front, and leave the story itself as is.
However, if you feel you must pick one, I'd go with the TV based
on this story as is; simply change Ryouko's statement to something
she once heard about Washuu. TV also makes it clearer why Sasami
"doesn't have to ask" about Ryouko's and Ryou-oh-ki's responsibility
for destruction of lesser beings (in OAV, both did it, but Kagato
appears much more responsible).
That way the whole "Ryouko gave this talk to Aeka" can be kept
intact, as one of their many earlier meetings. Also, the whole
treatment of "Jurai power" is much more in line with the TV's
version than the OAV's, where the only way Sasami could have
powers suddenly emerge is either the acceleration of her merge
with Tsunami or becoming bound to another Imperial Tree.