C&C Below. Snippage throughout.
Adrian Tymes <wingcat@pacbell.net> wrote on 1 Oct 2000:
[...]
At the moment, the play was a mix between hide-and-seek and capture the
flag. Ryo-ohki had found a particularly slippery stone, difficult for
either the cabbit or the princess to hold on to.
So far, your description is doing a great job of setting
the tone. I'm just a little confused as to how the stone
fits in. Is it the "flag"?
[...]
Ryo-ohki was actually doing slightly better. Sasami was still trying to
cup it in her hands, but Ryo-ohki wrapped it in one ear, leaving it
nowhere to go until concentration wavered - usually under the influence
of tickles from Sasami - and the ear unfolded.
My confusion wasn't helped by this sentence. It sounds
like Sasami and Ryo-Ohki are holding the same rock at the
same time, yet it's completely wrapped in Ryo-Ohki's ear?
[...]
Which was why the truck barrelling down the dirt path to the shrine was
a complete surprise to the current occupants of said path.
sp: barreling
[...]
"AAAAAAAAAAAA-" *CRUNCHSQUEEEEEEeeek* "-AAAAAAAhuh?"
Nice imagery. ;)
[...]
Sasami patted herself down, expecting to at least find a bruise but
feeling none. The truck's cab lay in front of and around her, the
sphere of her short-lived force field now imprinted in the wreckage.
Ryo-ohki looked on from the side of the road, having gotten clear of the
truck while Sasami put on her best "deer in headlights" face.
gram: while Sasami had put on
(The action is completed in the past -- use the past perfect tense.)
A drip from above prompted Sasami to look up, and see that not all of
those involved were as fortunate. The truck driver had not been wearing
suggest: and see that the other person involved was not as fortunate
(I expected another person in there besides the driver.)
a seat belt, and his trip through the windshield was only checked by the
steering wheel, slightly folded in his grip and now embedded in his
abdomen. His head protruded over the remains of the hood. As Sasami
watched, his face pivoted down - too quickly for a spine to still be
attached - and swung over her, his eyes locked forwards but his gaze
taking in the ground and his other side as gravity turned it into a
pendulumn. One twitching arm snaked over the hood, then fell limp.
sp: pendulum
Sasami gasped, then choked on the drop of blood that she acciedentally
sp: accidentally
[...]
Ayeka sighed as she held her sobbing sister, and examined the wreck.
The police would be here soon...Earth police, not Galaxy Police who knew
Technically, there shouldn't be a comma after "sobbing sister,"
but you may want to keep it for aesthetic reasons.
Put a space after the ellipsis.
from personal experience about Jurai's power. A simple lie should get
gram: Juraians' power
("Jurai's" power wold mean the power of the
planet -- it's political and military reach.)
rid of them: while her sister believed she caused the accident, anyone
could see that such was simply not the case, for a collision between a
young girl and a truck would certainly not leave the truck in such a
shape while leaving the girl unharmed. It would ensure justice more
than misunderstandings caused by the truth might: her sister was
punc: truth might. Her sister
suggest: It would ensure justice, instead of the
misunderstandings that might arise from the truth.
[...]
Tenchi, Nobuyuki, and Katsuhito were searching the truck for clues as to
why it had come this way; Ayeka could tell that, at least for the first
suggest: come this way. Ayeka
(Use smaller sentences. They're easier to read!)
two, it was first and foremost a way to avoid thinking about the
fatality. Their best guess so far was that the driver had made a wrong
turn, and would have turned back and gone on his way once he saw the
shrine and figured out that he was not where he should be.
tense: not where he should have been.
or: not where he was supposed to have been.
I like this description of everyone's reaction. It has a sort
of somber tone, and helps reflect the shock of the situation
without unnecessarily dwelling on it.
Kiyone and Mihoshi were methodically examining the accident scene. Some
aspects of being a police officer translated well from Galaxy Police
procedures to earthbound ones, and the detectives figured that the more
hassle they could save the local polices, the less chance of them
launching an extended investigation that might discover the local
residents' true nature.
Potential continuity error. Kiyone doesn't appear
in the OAVs, which this story appears to be based on.
Sasami had long since degenerated into incoherent bawling. At least her
face and hair no longer had traces of blood. Ayeka had transferred the
red substance to a handtowel, again to allay suspicions. Crying because
sp: hand towel
you witnessed a death was one thing; doing so while having the dead
person's blood on your skin was something else, at least on first
glance. Besides, it was not seemly for a princess to carry the blood of
Why "at least on first glance"? Suggest you delete.
the dead in any form, unless it had come from or was destined for one's
own subjects.
suggest: destined for her own
(Since the subject is princess, it's appropriate --
and more specific -- to use the gendered pronoun.
This sounded a little awkward. Especially the
"destined for one's own subjects." Do princesses
work for the Interstellar Red Cross? ^_^;
Although Ryo-ohki wanted to comfort Sasami, Ayeka had specifically
requested that Washu keep the cabbit away for the moment. The girls
AYEKA: Could you PLEASE make Ryo-Ohki stop licking up that blood?
WASHU: She's a mineral-based life form. She needs the iron!
could - and regularly did - pass as human beings, but the cabbit was
obviously not native to this planet. Washu was using the opportunity to
reconstruct a hologram of the event from Ryo-ohki's memory. This was,
after all, the first solid manifestation of Sasami's power that any of
them knew about. Such events were traditionally treasured memories and
recorded if possible; the results of this manifestation made it merely
uncertain whether Sasami's family would want a permanent recording.
ASUZA: [clicking slide show projector] This was
the first Earthling my baby girl killed...
NOBLE 1: Oh my! It looks like it was quick...
ASUZA: Severed spinal cord. Death was instantaneous.
NOBLE 2: How very thoughtful of her!
ASUKA: [click] And number two...
NOBLE 1: No blood this time, I see...
ASUKA: [click] The incident at their "Tokyo Tower"
NOBLE 2: How very efficient she's become...
[...]
The full moon lit up the forest, much to Sasami's dismay. In this much
light, there was no denying the tracks in front of her where the truck
had been towed away, or the various metal and liquids which no one had
bothered to pick up yet. She could even tell which were from the
suggest: bothered to clean up yet.
(Only Washu could find a way to pick up liquids.)
vehicle and which were not, though she wondered if her memory just made
her think the dried blood was an angry red while everything else was
black. Ayeka was sound asleep back at the house; Sasami eyed a nearby
tree branch, wondering if it was high enough to hang herself from so she
would be dead before Ayeka woke up.
suggest: before her sister woke up
(Avoid repeated Ayeka.)
[...]
Sasami could not meet Ryoko's smiling gaze. "Yeah, well, maybe the
angel wouldn't insist that I didn't kill that man like Ayeka does."
punc: man, like Ayeka does.
(Without the comma, Sasami's complaining that Ayeka
wanted her to kill the man the way she kills men... ^_^)
Ryoko knelt, and put a had on Sasami's shoulder. "Ayeka's wrong,
Sasami. You did, and you know it."
RYOKO: And it felt good, didn't it? Tell me, have
you ever considered becoming a space pirate?
Her doubts clouding in an instant, Sasami looked into the pirate's eyes.
"Ryoko?"
"Ayeka...isn't always right, you know. Frankly, I thought it'd be just
a matter of time."
SASAMI: What?!
RYOKO: Ryo-Ohki -- the first one -- she killed over one hundred
thousand people. She was a spaceship, after all, and equipped
with some powerful weapons. I figured since you're going to
be a spaceship when you grow up -- and the most powerful one
in the Jurai fleet...
Space after the ellipsis again.
"WHAT?!? Ryoko, I'm not a murderer!"
SASAMI: I'm a killer-in-self-defense!
[...]
"Look. All of us girls who live with Tenchi, we're all powerful. Even
WASHU: You all are powerful. But *I* am all-powerful! >;)
you. With power comes accidents." Ryoko nodded upwards. "Out there,
PETER PARKER: With great power comes accidents?
I had it wrong all this time?!
everyone's a bit tougher, so these accidents aren't nearly as bad. But
down here...they're like ants. No matter how carefully you tread, if
you walk near an active ant colony, you're going to squish a few sooner
or later. Heck, even out there, most people are ants compared to us,
and the people down here just larvae trying to be ants."
Ow. Harsh. ^_^;
"But...but...ants don't have dreams. They don't care about-"
Spaces after the ellipses.
"Sasami, Sasami...you're absolutely right, and I'm not saying you
shouldn't try not to. But it happens. You've got to accept it. The
rest of us have blood on our hands, too, even before we came here."
Again with the ellipsis.
[...]
"Well...Ryo-ohki and I, I don't think you have to ask. Kiyone and
Mihoshi have been in the Galaxy Police long enough that they've been in
more than one raid gone wrong, though they probably won't admit it.
Washu...well, when she was making me, I know she had some failed
experiments, and she wasn't always as kind as you've seen her be. In
fact, she once destroyed a whole planet just because..." Ryoko trailed
off as Sasami's face took on a slight tinge of horror. "Never mind.
And Ayeka, well..."
Since Washu made Ryoko, the only continuity this fits into is
from the OAVs. Which again begs the question of whether Kiyone
should be around.
Does her presence really add anything to your story? (Besides a
bit of credibility when the GP officers investigate the scene? ;)
[...]
Ryoko slowly brought Sasami into a full hug. "I had to give this same
talk to Ayeka, after her first accident. She'll never admit it, but she
was going nuts, thinking she was not fit to live and trying to be bad
enough to convince everyone else to take her out. I literally saved her
life by calming her down, though she's made herself forget it. And you
know what? She's never, EVER, paid me back for that. Ever."
Of course, this is begging for an explanation. When could this
have happened? Ayeka knew about -- but didn't meet -- the space
pirate until they where both on Earth, which implies...
And of course you never give us the full story. ^_^
[...]
"Shh. She doesn't matter right now. All that matters is, please don't
be like her. Ok, so you killed someone. You're going to kill more
cap: OK
or: Okay
people sooner or later, no matter what.
RYOKO: Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow...
HUMPHREY BOGART: [rolls over]
[...]
Fifteen wordless minutes later, Sasami fell asleep in Ryoko's arms.
Hers would be a deep, dreamless sleep that night, almost but not quite
broken by Ayeka's hysterical shouts demanding to know why Ryoko was
tucking Sasami into bed and why Ryoko had ever removed her.
Well, that was a nice little fic. Not too angsty, considering the
subject matter. About the only problem I had were the continuity
issues. Ryoko's talk with Ayeka especially demanded my attention,
but you never addressed it.
I would go back and pick one continuity and stick with it. If it's
OAV, consider removing Kiyone. If it's anything but OAV, then Washu
didn't make Ryoko. Fortunately, neither of these things would
involve making big changes to your scenes.
Later,
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net Cuter, too. Definitely more sexy!"