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Sorry about this folks, but now that I'm an official fanfic writer
(meaning someone has actually _responded_ to me. Woohoo!), my Evil
Clone insists on writing a fanfic of his own.
I KNEW I should've insisted on instructions being included with my
official Washuu-Chan Clone-Yourself-In-Thirty-Minutes Kit I bought on
eBay, but I _had_ to listen to my hacker friend. "Instructions? You
only need the instructions if something goes wrong! What could possibly
go wrong?"
The writer of this fic answered that question rather nicely. He was my
first attempt at cloning myself. The less said about my second
attempt, the better. I wanted to clone a female version of myself, and
she ended up... well, imagine a kinder, gentler version of Belldandy.
Makes me weep when I watch her serve tea and all I can think is,
_There, but for the grace of a Y chromosome, go I..._
My Evil Clone is insisting on one editorial correction. He isn't my
_Evil_ Clone, he's my _Misunderstood_ Clone Who Has This Problem With
Attention-Getting Behaviors. There. Can I have my toes back now? It's
kinda hard to walk without them...
NYAHAHAHA! My foolish clone (I am the original, you see) was fool
enough to let me within five feet of a keyboard. It was a sad day for
cloning indeed when _he_ came out of the test tube.
Ordinarily, I'd write this lemon (yeah, it's a LEMON!!!!) and pin the
blame on him, but after rereading my masterpiece, I'm going to take
the CREDIT!!!!!
CONSCIENTIOUS WARNING: This thing refers to sex in gratitutious
(and, hopefully, humorous) ways. If you don't think the faces humans
make mid-coitus are funny, this story isn't for you.
Oh yeah, for some reason people younger than eighteen aren't supposed
to know that sex exists. So, if you're under eighteen, for God's
sakes show some maturity and erase this file right now!
If you're over eighteen, feel free to be as immature as you wanna be
and read this file. You should get at least one or two chucks.
Don't take this story too seriously, it would be bad for your blood
pressure.
DISCLAIMER: In case you're wondering, I haven't magically become a
billionare overnight and purchased all the rights to Ranma 1/2 (no
matter how much I'd like to and make Ranma 1/2 the Movie 4: The
Varaiyah Cycle...) All those rights still belong to Rumiko Takahashi,
Kitty, or anyone else I may have forgotten. This story most _certainly_
has no bearing on continuity, and if you notice the anyone being a just
a little out of character, it's probably intentional, you fool!
RANMA 1/2:
SHOCK VALUE
by Eyewrin, Misguided Clone Who Has This Problem With Attention-Getting
Behaviors
Ryouga slept peacefully, weary from his long wanderings. His
quest for a new technique had led him far away from Nerima, and
strangely, that distance had taken some of the urgency he had felt to
crush his rival.
Survival on the road meant being able to wake up instantly,
however, so when he felt a light touch on his shoulder he grabbed for
the offending hand, ready to twist the owner into submission.
Or Ryouga would have, if the hand had been there. As he came
awake more fully, he easily identified the figure silhuetted against
the predawn sky as Ranma's masculine self. The wanderer sighed. _It
seems as though my wanderings have taken me once again to Nerima. Such
is fate._
"Ranma, why the hell did you wake me up!? I'm warning you, if
you want a fight..."
"Naw, that ain't it, Ryouga." Ranma sounded almost...
hysterical. At first Ryouga couldn't identify the tone in his rival's
voice, because it was so radically different from what he'd come to
expect.
Ryouga clutched his sleeping bag closer with one hand and
reached for a flashlight with the other. "What's wrong, Ranma?" As he
rummaged through all the stuff he'd left in arms' reach, he noticed
that Ranma was holding a massive book, cradling it in both arms.
"I... A coupla days ago, I went to that cursed antique shop,
y'know, the one Kuno got that Pheonix Egg from? An' I saw a book, a
book that was labeled..." Ranma's voice trailed off.
Ryouga waited for a few moments, then said impatiently, "What
was it labeled?"
Ranma gave a strangled laugh. "The title was _Collected
Knowledge of Jusenkyo._ I bought it, and read it." He stopped again,
even as Ryouga's hand closed around the flashlight.
Ryouga turned the flashlight on, then swung the beam to
illuminate Ranma's face. He recoiled in shock and gave out a gasp as he
saw the tear tracks running down Ranma's cheeks. The martial artist
looked as though he'd been crying hysterically for several days at
least.
As though the light made no difference, Ranma recited dreamily,
"I read the whole thing, then read it again. Then tore out some of the
pages an' took it to the old ghoul, who said that the thing was real.
The ghoul said it was real." Ranma sobbed out loud, and with a sinking
sense of dread, Ryouga thought about what kind of knowledge would break
the supremely confident martial artist. Ryouga started shivering
convulsively.
"What did the book say?"
"It said that Jusenkyo isn't just 'bout random curses. The
curse you get reflects a part of yourself that ya don't wanna admit
exists. And my curse says..."
"It says?"
Ranma placed one hand on Ryouga's thigh through the sleeping
bag. "My curse says that, no matter how I deny it, I'm really a girl.
And... I want you, Ryouga-chan." He started sliding his hand up. "It
don't matter whether I'm in a guy's _or_ a girl's body, I want you."
Ryouga, frozen in terror, couldn't move a muscle as Ranma
touched his... his...
^_~ ^_~ ^_~ ^_~ ^_~ ^_~
"AAAUUUGH!!" Ryouga sat up in his guest futon, screaming at the
sheer horror of his nightmare. He clutched at his head, trying to rip
the horrible memory from his brain.
As consciousness returned, he remembered asking Kasumi if he
could sleep in the guest room earlier that night. He'd grown weary of
the wandering lifestyle, so now it was coming to haunt his nightmares.
He gave a bitter laugh at the cynical thought.
"Hey, could you - ahhh - keep it down, Ryouga?" Akane's voice
sounded strained. And it was coming from Ranma's futon. Slowly,
unwillingly, Ryouga's head swiveled in that direction.
Two women were between Akane's legs, vying for space at the
opening that Ryouga had dreamed of for as long as he could remember.
Akane pinched and tweaked her own nipples with one hand, and used the
other to hold herself off the futon.
A slight trickle of blood leaked from Ryouga's left nostril at
the sight of Akane's naked, sweaty flesh. "Wh-What are you doing?!"
"Homework, Ryouga. What does it look like, mo-oh!-on?!"
One of the women raised her head from Akane's cunt. Ryouga
was shocked to see Ranma's unmistakeable feminine features streaked
with Akane's juices. "I told ya to be quiet, Akane. Can't you manage
even that? Now ya've gone and woke up Ryouga, and I'm sure he'll want
in!"
Akane leaned forward and grabbed Ranma's left nipple with the
hand she'd been using on her own breasts to give it a sharp twist.
Ranma let out a squeal. "You always - ahhh - blame me for everyth-
thing, Ranma!"
The other woman sat up. With a fading sense of shock, Ryouga
absently noted it was Shampoo. Her breasts swayed back and forth as
she shifted slightly. "It rude to leave you friend out, husband."
Shampoo grinned mischeviously. "Amazon records say stamina men gain
from learning bakusai tenketsu also aid sex, but it been so long time
since man learn technique that it become rumor." She started crawling
sensuously towards Ryouga. "Great-Grandmother would want me check and
see. I say give stupid pigboy night he never forget."
Akane groaned, and not in a sexual way. "Do I have to? You
know how much I hate men."
Ranma gave Akane a Look. "Yes you do. If we're gonna have
children someday, you've gotta practice having sex in a normal way.
Think of it as... martial arts!"
Akane shoved Ranma playfully. "Moron! Everything is martial
arts to you." Then she started for Ryouga. All three of them reached
him at the same time. Their hands touched his body sensuously, making
him rise to the occasion. They smothered him in feminine flesh and...
^_~ ^_~ ^_~ ^_~ ^_~ ^_~
Ryouga tore the sleeping bag from his face in a desperate
attempt to breathe. He gulped air as he gazed up at the stars,
wondering out of what depths that nightmare had come.
He'd been training hard with Ranma all day. Ever since he'd
settled his engagement difficulties, the two of them had become fast
friends. It didn't stop them from brawling every now and again,
however.
He turned over on his side, intending to go back to sleep. He
looked over at Ranma's sleeping bag, and jerked back to wakefulness
when he saw that it was empty. "What?" He sat up and looked around
the camp. No Ranma. "Ranma? Where'd you go?"
The only answer he could hear was a muffled sort of yell. But
he could at least tell what direction it was coming from. Getting to
his feet, he grabbed his umbrella and started sprinting in the
direction of the yell.
After knocking down several trees, he came to a clearing.
Scattered about it were the bodies of a half-dozen girls who had been
cut apart, their organs and limbs used to make a crude pentagram.
In the center of the pentagram was a horrible demonic beast with a
unsane number of tentacles. Ryouga noted, with an odd detachment,
that the tentacles were tipped in a way that made them very phallic.
The monster was also supporting Ranma on those tentacles.
They twined about her limbs and probed all her orifices. The monster
noticed the martial artist standing at the edge of the clearing and
said in a cultured British accent, "You just wait your turn. I've
got dibs on this nice piece of AAHHHH!"
Ranma spit out a piece of tentacle and made retching noises.
"Yuck! I'll never get the taste out of my mouth! Now I know why girls
in tentacle porns never bite down!" She cast a glance at Ryouga. "A
little help?"
Ryouga charged in, only to bounce off some sort of invisible
field when he came to the outer edges of the pentagram. The demon
hurhurhured. "Hur hur hur! What, did you think that I wouldn't have a
shield up to protect me?" He started whipping long, thin tentacles
across Ranma's back, and she let out a shriek. "Bitch! That's for
biting me!"
"AHHH! R-Ryouga! Do the Shi Shi HokoEEE!" Ranma screamed
again and again as Ryouga charged his chi up to the bursting point.
Finally, ready to release the energies gathered in his
system, Ryouga shouted "SHI SHI HOKODAN!!!" The beam of energy
impacted and splashed against the shield, rebounding. Ryouga
stared in disbelief as his own chi came rushing at him.
It drove him headfirst through four trees. As he wavered
between consciousness and unconsciousness, Ryouga watched Ranma
release her own chi blast. He gratefully sank into the darkness as
victory was assured.
^_~ ^_~ ^_~ ^_~ ^_~ ^_~
He came to slowly, a rhythmic beeping penetrating his
consciousness.
"Ryouga? Are you awake?" A girl's voice, sounding questioning
and a little afraid.
Ryouga opened his eyes and saw a generic hospital ceiling. He
turned his head and saw one of those funny line things, presumably
hooked up to him. He turned his head the other way and saw Akane
sitting there. Her black hair brushed her shoulders; she'd apparently
grown it some since.... When?
"A-Akane? What are you doing here?"
Rather than answer immediately, Akane got up and went to the
door. After looking both ways down the corridor, she closed the door
behind her. Then, she said, "We were so worried about you, Ryouga!
After you went crazy and started running head-first into every
obstacle you could find, screaming something about 'toughening
yourself up', you knocked yourself into a coma!"
"I did?"
Akane moved closer. Something in her blue eyes made Ryouga
sweat, just a little. "Yes, you did. We've been sitting watch on you
for two months. And now that you're finally awake again..."
With two deft movements, Akane swept the blanket off of Ryouga
and flipped his little medical tunic up. Reaching one finger out, she
touched his limp organ. "Wow, you're even bigger than Ranma!"
Ryouga made a feeble effort to flip his tunic back down, but
Akane prevented the weakened martial artist from doing it. Ryouga
sputtered out, "W-what are you doing!?"
Akane purred slightly as she wrapped one hand around his
already-hardening penis. "I decided that you're the only one for me,
Ryouga. So now..." She wrapped her lips around it, and slid her tongue
out of her mouth to taste more of its length. Ryouga gasped. Akane
raised her head and grinned at the discomfited wanderer. "...I'm
going to show you how much I love you."
With that, she resumed her attentions. Though Ryouga was no
expert in such things, he judged Akane to be quite good at giving
head. And with what he'd been dreaming about in the coma, he needed
something nice...
Ryouga closed his eyes and grunted as he came in Akane's mouth.
Hair brushed against his stomach, and he opened his eyes again to see
that a black-haired wig was lying on his stomach, and the person that
had blown him was... Ranma!
Ranma licked a bit of cum from the left corner of her mouth,
and said, "Told ya that I wanted ya, Ryouga-chan."
Ryouga screamed. "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"
^_~ ^_~ ^_~ ^_~ ^_~ ^_~
"BWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Ryouga went from nightmare to awareness
in less than a second. Panting slightly, he realized that he was a
piglet. Joyous. But still better than his dream...
"P-chan, what's wrong?" He turned to Akane and leapt into her
arms, glad to finally be out of the nightmare.
Ranma came into Ryouga's view. "Ever since Ryouga got stuck
as P-chan, he's been acting really weird."
Akane nodded. "You're right. Are there any pet psychologists in
Tokyo we could take him to?"
Ryouga was paralyzed by fear. Akane _knew_ he was P-chan? Then,
what Ranma had said fully sunk in, and he started to freak out.
"BWEEEE!!!!!" Jumping out of Akane's arms, he ran like a panicking pig
for the bathroom.
Due to some miracle, he didn't get lost along the way. Bashing
his way through the door, he jumped into the still-filled tub. And he
was still P-chan!!!!!
That's when he noticed the water was cold. Ice-cold. Grave-
cold. Oinking in relief, he booked for the kitchen, hoping beyond hope
that there was some hot water to be had there.
When he got there, he saw Kasumi standing next to the stove.
And on the stove was a boiling pot of water.
"BWEE!" Ryouga sprang into the pot of boiling water. And didn't
change! He sunk into the deepest despair he'd ever known.
Akane came over and looked down in the pot. "I think he wants
to commit suicide."
Ranma stood next to her. "Wouldn't surprise me at all. I'd do
the same, if I were him."
Kasumi was next. "Oh my! I think he would have his finest hour
as my sweet-and-sour pork."
Both of the teens nodded their assent, and Ryouga found out
he'd only touched the edge of despair before as the lid descended onto
his pot...
^_~ ^_~ ^_~ ^_~ ^_~ ^_~
"AHHHH! Goddamn, that's hot!" Ryouga, woken from a sound sleep
by a faceful of boiling water, didn't know whether to pound whoever
did it or grovel at their feet in thanks.
"Ryouga, I _really_ need to talk to you." Ryouga didn't open
his eyes.
"If you say ANYTHING about wanting me, Ranma, I will kill you."
"Keep your voice down, man! You don't want _her_ to wake up, do
you?" Ryouga opened his eyes, and saw that Ranma was wearing.... Not
much of anything. His lack of outfit consisted of black leather straps and
brushed metal spikes. A ball gag dangled around his throat, which he'd
apparently pulled out.
"What's going on, Ranma?" Somehow, he just wasn't surprised by
this latest surreal development.
"Akane snorted some kinda spice and just went nuts, man! I was
wondering if I could get lost with you..."
"SLAVE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?!" Akane was wearing even less
than Ranma, if that is possible. She snapped the whip in her left hand
menacingly.
"N-nothing, Akane-hime! Nothing at all!" Akane flicked the whip
across Ranma's back, drawing a sharp shriek from him.
Now, Ryouga knew he wasn't the smartest guy in the world. In
fact, a strong case could be made for him being the most gullible idiot
of a martial artist that has _ever_ taken one too many hits to the
cranium. But even he can catch on... sometimes.
That's why, when presented with the surreal vision of Akane
about to sodomize Ranma with something spiked, he simply turned his
head and shouted out, "Who are you? Why are you doing this to me?
Show yourself!"
The screams stopped, and Ryouga watched as a short, pudgy
man wearing a loud coat and an ugly top hat flipped out of nowhere.
The little man bowed and said, "Greetings, Ryouga Hibiki! I am
Mujaki, the keeper of Baku!" He gestured to a tapir-like creature that had
appeared and was chowing down on the walls.
Ryouga grabbed Mujaki's shirtfront. "How dare you make me have
bad dreams! I oughtta..."
Mujaki, apparently panicking, waved his hands frantically.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Baku was hungry, so we stopped for a quick bite
to eat." Mujaki snapped his fingers. "How about if I give you a dream
that you pick?"
Ryouga dropped Mujaki. Stars crept into his eyes as he said,
"You mean I could have a dream about finally defeating Ranma?"
Mujaki nodded. "Easy." He pulled his top hat off, waved a
hankerchief across the opening, and pulled out an Easter egg. "Dream
Egg. Crack it open and have fun!" He handed the egg to Ryouga, who took
it tentatively. Mujaki bowed again and vanished, taking his tapir with
him.
Ryouga cracked the egg.
^_~ ^_~ ^_~ ^_~ ^_~ ^_~
Ryouga put his fist through Ranma's face. Blood, bone, and
brains covered his hand, and he wept in joy. "At last, I have defeated
Ranma!"
"Ryouga. How could you?" Ryouga turned around, withdrawing
his fist from the ruin it had made of Ranma's face, and saw Akane
standing there.
"Akane! What are you doing here?"
A single tear dripped from her left eye. "Watching you kill
my one true love."
The skies wept even as she did, both mourning the fallen
warrior. Minus the poetry, it meant that Ryouga turned into a pig, who
ran, cursing everything. The world, Ranma, himself, and life. He came
to a sudden cliff, and threw himself off it. As he fell, he thought
_The world is... a dark and... lonely place..._
AUTHOR'S NOTES
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! My fool clone is proven wrong again! He said I would
never finish this, or even make it half as good as one of _his_ lame
fics. This is at least TWELVE TIMES BETTER!
Now who's the mistake, you poor excuse for an author?
Eyewrin
EDITOR'S NOTES
Ummm... I guess it wasn't _too_ bad. For being written by an evil
clone, that is. Next thing you know, Aerin will be wanting to write
a ficOh my, what a good idea! I would love to write a 'happy-ending'
for those poor people in Neon Genesis Evangelion! I just love happy
endings!
Owww, I hate it when she does that. Fair warning to whomever else
might buy the Washuu-Chan Clone-Yourself-In-Thirty-Minutes Kit: no
matter what else you do, NEVER click the 'add telepathy' button. It
is _not_ a good idea. It is _not_ a 'cute' thing to have in a little
girl. It is HELL ON EARTH.
Aaron Bergman
iamfanboy@hotmail.com
"Oh, how I wish I'd never had him."
-Ataru Moroboshi's mother, freely translated