Rebeka Thomas wrote:
Everyone except Akane, who was steaming at Shampoo, turned at the
strangled squawk that came from the young man wiping the tables.
The elder sisters were trying to decide if Shampoo had been
talking about Mousse as a suitor or an entree. For that matter, so
was Mousse.
Suggest cutting these last two sentences. You lose much of the
humor by having to explain it.
Point.
i thought it was hilarious... the last one in particular sounds just
like something out of Python or Adams.
Actually, I thought of the scene in _The Hobbit_, where Bilbo is arguing
with the orcs who've captured him, trying to say that he is a good cook,
and that when he said that he cooks well, he didn't mean that he tasted
good when cooked. My memory's not so great, so I get the tenses, and
subject/verb/object in that scene confused, but then, so did he.
--
"Mulder, do you remember when I was missing -- that time that you
*still* insist I was being held aboard a UFO?"
"How could I forget?"
"Well, I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I wouldn't have been
better off staying abo-- I mean, wherever it was that I was
being held." [from an untitled spamfic by SkyFire@aol.com]